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I have stooped to an all time low!
May 24, 2005
2:53 pm
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codep
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I sent him an email, I feel like such a coward but atleast he knows the truth now. I hope he knows how remorsful I am over this, I am just to ashamed of myself to have told him in person or over the phone. I"m so very ashamed of myself and so very hurt, I cant stop crying but It's time for me to move on with my lessons learned. Thank you for your support and encouragment!

May 24, 2005
3:44 pm
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orangeboy
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"see this guy is telling me he doesnt want a relationship with me b/c he is not ready for it right now, but wants to be here for me and "the baby" as much as he can be."

i think that it's a wise thing to pay attention to when someone says that they're not ready for a relationship. i've stayed with people out of desperation when they've said that and had some of the worst experiences of my life. and i've continued to date people after i was finally brave enough to admit that i wasn't ready for a relationship, and i think subconscioulsy treated the person so so shitty because inside i couldn't do it. iknew that i wasn't ready for it and i was trying to force myself to do something i wasn't ready for, and all involved got their hearts broken and hurt very badly as a result.

" I know as soon as I tell him there is no baby in whatever way I do that he will no longer be a part of my life."

i don't want to sound harsh here, but if he's not ready for a relationship, and you're so desperate for one that you "stooped to an all time low" by lying to him that you're pregnant, NEITHER of you is ready for a relationship. i'm not yelling with the caps, they're meant to be italics.

maybe look at why you're so extremely intent on having a relationship? are you meeting your own needs? or are you looking for someone else to fill your loneliness?

also, as a guy, i'm so sad to hear that so many women have done this. i'm not trying to add any guilt, but i would be so incredibly stressed out and excited if suddenly i was going to be a father, if my whole life were going to change, and then so incredibly heartbroken if there was a "miscarriage." i was with a girl right after she had miscarried from a previous lover and she was absolutely devastated. she would wake up crying and screaming in the middle of the night. she had a ceremony for burying the little person. and i wasn't the father and i wasn't with her while she was pregnant, but even just knowing that part of the loss, it's really disrespectful to fake something like that.

i'm not passing judgement here as i have certainly done some desperate things to try and keep bad-for-me-people around, but this really is a big deal. guys, as big of jerks as we can be, generally do have hearts too. i hope that you came totally clean with him and didn't say that it was a miscarriage. it took a lot of courage for him to say that he wasn't ready for a relationship and he deserves for that to be respected. it took a lot of respect for you for him to say that too, take it as a compliment. shoot, do you know how many guys if they didn't respect a girl would keep her around for fun and to sleep with if they weren't ready for a relationship? sounds to me like he wanted to treat you right or not treat you at all and that's cool.

i hope you're being good to yourself after all of this and facing yourself in an honest way. and congratulations on confessing, that was brave.

May 24, 2005
4:15 pm
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codep
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I told him the truth, that I actually lied about everything. Now I just want to concentrate on myself and why I've made such desperate attempts at holding onto something I never really had. I think you are exactly right orangeboy, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, especially now considering what I have done. I do respect the fact that he said he wasnt ready for a relationship, I guess what made it so hard to let go of is the fact that he once felt that he was ready and I got a chance to experience what could have been and I was holding onto that and nothing else. But it wasnt reality. This is reality, this pain that I have to face, these lessons that I have learned from and grown from, and what great plans God has for me in the future. Thank you for your comments.

May 24, 2005
4:24 pm
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aasso9
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i agree with gingerleigh. not only is it not fair to him, but its also not fair to woman kind. no offense, but its this kind of behavior that makes men not beleive women when it REALLY DOES happen.... this also goes along with rape.
i dont know how many times i've seen a girl really get into trouble like that and the men dont beleive them becauase they've been lied to before about it.
im glad that you finally came around and told him the truth. thank you - from all of woman kind.

May 24, 2005
4:36 pm
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You should be so proud of yourself codep. You did a very brave thing by telling the truth. I'm sure he is going to be angry with you for a while, but grateful in the long run that you were honest with him. Stay strong. The next few days are going to be very difficult.

May 24, 2005
6:35 pm
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Worried_Dad
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"see this guy is telling me he doesnt want a relationship with me b/c he is not ready for it right now, but wants to be here for me and "the baby" as much as he can be."

To me that says he's a good guy.

I must admit that as a man, it is frightening to read this thread. I've always distantly understood that women could use their power of life to manipulate and hurt men, I just never really let myself know that it might be considered almost a normal thing to do among women.

May 24, 2005
6:47 pm
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Anonymous
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Codep- you did the right thing,and not matter what youlearned a lesson in this as well as how much things affect others.

BTW , the whole missed period thing, well when Mr. Jack and I broke up, I was late for a week, many say it is your body's way of trying to keep the relationship who knows.

i do know that MEN hate to be trapped, and I know many women that do too, it took a lot of guts to come clean so good job on that.

May 25, 2005
12:54 pm
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codep
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He called after he found out, I froze, I couldnt answer the phone, I'm such a coward. He said he doesnt hate me, he said he forgives me and that he is sad for me and that I will always be in his thoughts and prayers. WOW, what a great guy, I'm so ashamed of myself. Today is a new day for me however. I cant go back and change things with him but I can make things different for the next "if and when there ever will be" I"m not concerned about that right now, only healing from all this drama I have brought about for myself.

May 25, 2005
1:14 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Codep,

Congrats! you told the truth and you learned some things and he doesn't "hate" you.

I must admit reading the original thread gave me some very real chills as a man. My instant reaction was one of shock and discomfort at what i saw as something extremely manipulative

My mind wanted to quickly reply with condemnation, but I had to resist that because it wouldn't help you at all. i mean, you already knew it was wrong and felt bad about it,, what would condemning you do? what you were wrestling with was whether or not to come clean.

So I read on and was pleased to find that you fessed up. A wise friend of mine said his father gave him so wise advice - he said "you'll never regret doing the right thing" it took courage, but you did the right thing. Congrats!

May 25, 2005
1:23 pm
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codep
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Thanks for saving me the condemnation, I think I all too often do that enough on my own. I was very dissapointed in myself, never ever have I even considered such a thing. I cant believe I was at such a low that I did this to him and to myself. I have definitely learned a great lesson from all of this, It's something I will never even consider doing again first of all..secondly it has caused me to step back and really face "myself" I have learned so much, great, great learning experience for myself "and for him as well i'm sure" thanks again! on the road to recovery!!!!

May 25, 2005
1:35 pm
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glittered when he walked
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It would have been wrong of me to condemn you. I have to fight my initial thoughts too. I read a line in the this book about training your mind and it said "we don't think our thoughts, so much as our thoughts think us." which was funny but made great sense in that sometimes we react without thinking things through. and we must learn to train our mind to not think in such a way.

anyway..hey good news huh? keep fighting the good fight.

c u.

gwhw.

May 25, 2005
1:54 pm
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lollipop3
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Codep,

Try not to beat yourself up. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. The only tragedy here would be if you don't learn from it.

You seem like such a wonderful person. You are so caring and supportive to everyone here, including myself.

Good for you for telling the truth and trusting yourself enough to be able to handle the consequences.

You just need to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep on truckin'.

I'm proud of you

Lolli

May 25, 2005
2:05 pm
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codep
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Thank you lolli šŸ™‚

May 26, 2005
11:26 am
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kc30
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Wow! Can I just say what courage and strength it took for you to own your actions and to tell him the truth!

The fact that you were able to confess this, first here on this board, then to him, shows unbelievable strength and health to me. We are all capable of desparate acts when we are consumed with fear and pain...but you took responsibility. You TOLD him...wow! You've got balls girl...good for you!! Don't beat yourself up...you almost made a mistake, but you corrected it! I would say you're pretty healthy actually šŸ™‚

Worried Dad--yes, we are the girls who were born and bred on soap operas, and we have seen our heroines use every trick in the book to keep a man. Unfortunately, most women know every trick in the book to manipulate and control a man. Men aren't the only manipulators...women can be BRUTAL And many use those tricks without regret or remorse...they are so consumed with the drama of the relationship that they can't see that what they are doing is not NORMAL or healthy. Some take it one step forward and actually TRY to GET pregnant on purpose, with no thought to the consequences....

My stbx is involved with "one of them"...she's already played the "I think I'm pregnant" once before. I talked to him about this sort of thing but it didn't get through.

Ultimately, his pride wouldn't let him see that he was being played, so he turned it around on me accused me of getting pregnant on purpose!

Yes, my husband, father of my 2 children who left me, postpartum, to have an affair with a serial homewrecker when my baby was a colicky 6 weeks old and my daughter was only 2, had the nerve to accuse me of getting pregnant with a THIRD child...the ONLY time I had sex in 7 months...to trap him. Because he is such a prize and children are a real motivator to keep him around (it really worked with the first 2- HA!)

My guess is the girlfriend told him this...she's probably pissed that I got pregnant before she had the chance to. She already has 3 kids by 2 different dads...there are just women out there who are like that.

Yes, we all know the games, but we don't all play them.

Congrats again Codep...again...big, big balls. You rock!! šŸ™‚
kc

May 26, 2005
11:47 am
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codep
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Thank you so much KC for your words of support and encouragment.

May 26, 2005
1:37 pm
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gingerleigh
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I think it's interesting the way that we judge people. KC, not picking on you here, just something you said pricked up my ears because I've said it about others too. So I'm examining this behavior in myself, not you. Just want to be clear on that.

"She already has 3 kids by 2 different dads..."

Every time a woman has sex, even with birth control, there is always the chance of getting pregnant, right? So, I wonder why some women (me included) judge others so harshly by this metric, the metric of how many kids you have by different fathers? You can hide the number of people you've had sex with. You can't hide the number of kids you have (well, you shouldn't anyway...)

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