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i have reported the abuse.(suzieQ)
May 5, 2009
2:39 am
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suzieQ_85
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today i called the police.

i asked them, can i report what happened to me? when i told them.. they said oh definitely, that is abuse.

so thursdaynight i have an appointment with the police. they will guide me and if i want to press charges they will let me.

im not sure yet if i want to do that.

of course when my mom heard she started blaming me. she said you were raised well, you know how to get out of this. i said: i was raised within a very very bad marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and blackmail, so no i wasn't raised well.

But i did grow up well.im turning 24 on friday. i want to choose life now, not survival. i WILL get out of this. i slowly see that my life is worth a little thing right now. that someone else cannot be worth more that i am.that understanding and compassion needs to be for yourself first.

May 5, 2009
3:22 am
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suzieQ_85
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i actually feel like a drama queen for reporting...attention grabbing drama queen

May 5, 2009
8:01 am
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CAMER
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suzie, you did the right thing by reporting this...and your next step, press charges...if you feel you can do that.

You are making huge headway here!! you really are, take care of Suzie!!

and you will get thru this, a stronger woman!

May 5, 2009
9:00 am
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2shy
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Suzie, I agree with Camer. You did a good thing in reporting the abuse. I hope you will press charges.

My ex physically abused his ex wife. She pressed charges. He had to report to the police station once a month for one year. If it happened again he was going to go to prison. He is now afraid of touching another woman. He told me that he had a stronger desire to beat me up but he won't touch me because it isn't worth the consequence for him. He was really good at verbally abusing me though.

A friend of mine has just divorced her husband of 22 years because the physical and verbal abuse she experienced throughout her marriage was unimaginable. She was sent to the hospital a few times unconscience because of his beatings. He has been in prison a few times as a result but he never changed.

You are so very young. Don't waste your time with someone who is abusive.

Be strong.

May 5, 2009
9:06 am
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SpecialK
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Suzie, I read your thread. You're doing the right thing by contacting the authorities.

You are NOT a drama queen! He might try to paint you as one -- I filed a restraining order against an ex once, and he retaliated by telling people I was crazy and took the "white trash way out, just like my white trash family". I had to remind myself over and over again that if what he said were true, the cops wouldn't have seen fit to put HIM in jail for a night or to issue the restraining order.

You don't live together, do you?

As for your mother...again, when she criticizes you, consider the source.

Let us know how things turn out, I'm rooting for you...

May 5, 2009
1:10 pm
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PreciousG
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Bless your Heart.

OK firtsly, you are not a drama queen Suzie. I am curious why you would think that reporting to police that someoe, namely your BF, physically abusing you, is being a drama queen? Do you think him hitting was not abuse?

I believe you reporting this shows great courage, strength, and self-repsect. You are choosing life not survival.

What your Mom said is her pain, guilt, and own insecurities speaking. I am just sitting her in awe of you for standing up to her and not allowing her tare you down. That is amazing! I love it. I know it is your Mom, but not even our parents get to disrepsect, tare us down, nor abuse us. You really are doing some great work Suzie.

Wether or not you realize it you are showing some amazing growth and insight. I am really proud of you. You Really Rock!

You will get out of this. I am so glad that you have realized this and have said it out loud. Your life is worth more than a litte thing it is worth everything! You are showing yourself compasion and and understanding. You are seriously tapping into your power and utilizing it in the most kind, loving, and compasionate manner.

I am truly proud of you. You are awesome Suzie.

((((Suzie))))

Love, PreciosuG

May 5, 2009
1:13 pm
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Zebra
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SuzieQ,

YEAH!!! you did it and you stood up for SUZIE. Awesome. You are not a drama queen and you did the right thing. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

I am proud of you for the work you did for yourself and now you will only get stronger by the day.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing and feeling.

Love, Z

May 5, 2009
1:21 pm
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RobynB
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Suzie,

I am so very proud of you.

By reporing him and stopping contact, you are showing him you are not playing his game. You have stood up to him.

You are not a drama queen. It is never okay to hit your partner. The minute a man raises his hand to a woman (and vice versa), the abusive person should immediately realize they will face legal action as a result, PERIOD. You did nothing wrong in reporting this.

I wonder how things would have turned out different for Nicole Brown Simpson if she had reported OJ Simpson the first time he hit her. I guarantee the night he showed up and killed she and Ron Goldman (btw, I don't care if the trial cleared him, he's guilty) was not the first time he showed violence toward her. Likewise, I have a two very good friends whose sisters were murdered by abuse husbands... who started out by hitting and pinching and twisting. Additionally my very best friend lived with abuse for years until one day he pulled the car over and choked her. After she got a restraining order (and a stable man) she finally learned to feel safe. Likewise, I never took my ex seriously, even when he drunkenly held me at gunpoint for not having sex with him one night. Later, when he completed suicide, I realized that he did have the capacity for shooting me and was terrified to think about how I didn't take the situation seriously.

I am so excited for you! You are clearly growing stronger and stronger and that is so beautiful and admirable. I can't wait to see your progress, and look forward to the future posts when you encourage other women to get out of hurtful situations. You will feel strong and accomplished; this I personally know for a fact.

((((SuzieQ))))

May 5, 2009
1:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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What glorious growth!!! Reporting him is a HUGE step towards recovering your self-worth and dignity. Also, if you find courage to press charges (and I am hoping that you do, but will understand if you can't), you may be saving other women down the line from being abused by him. They will be able to pull a "history" on him of abuse which may save them from buying his lines and hooking up with a dangerous man.

Your strength is praiseworthy! And you are NOT a drama queen; you are a brave woman who is doing the RIGHT thing: reporting a crime.

- Ma Strong

May 5, 2009
2:55 pm
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suzieQ_85
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Dear all,

Thank you for your praise and support.

Today i went to see my doctor. She was shocked by what i told her. She said i was extremely courageous and that i did the right thing, that he is a dangerous man and that i got out in time, although i did get hurt, i didnt get killed. She had no doubt there was the possibility it would have gone that far eventually.she said: MAJOR RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
She was shocked by the fact he said: do i need to slit your troath to make you stop crying? She said that that alone was enough, let alone the twisting my arm and throwing me.
I have a bruised jaw and somewhat bruised my arm. she said: unfortuntaley we can't see it more clearly, however bad that sounds.

right now im struggling to get out of the conditioned thinking.

I said i felt at fault when he did that to me. that i shouldnt have been crying. She said: my dear, every abused woman, with NO exception, that i have had here felt it was her fault. it is NEVER your fault because NO ONE has the right to abuse you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID.
She kept saying: stay away from him, stay away from him!!!!!

I have to come back on friday, on thursdaynight i will be at the policestation and she needs to fill out her statement on the form.

She said that i should surround myself with loving caring people and that i need to focus on my healing by first of all STAYING AWAY.

Right now im all tensed up. mostly because im going cold turkey while experiencing so many emotions, guilt, sadness, anger, compassion oh no not compassion back to guilt. let's say, it keeps me busy.

so yeah, this is a rough thing to do... but im taking back my life here.. i know that. so i try to hold on to that.

love to you all!hugs, suzie

May 5, 2009
3:15 pm
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PreciousG
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(((Suzie))))

I am so gald that you have that docotor. She sounds fabulous. I am even more reliefed that you are talking to people and letting others know what is going on so that you can have the support and protection that you need.

This is going to be a rough time for you. I know about going cold turkey. It was the only way that I could stop the madness. Today I can look back and say that I am so glad that I was able to do that.

All the emotions that you have described are so normal. I encourage you to not fight the emotions to hard as that will make your journey so much more difficult. also, try to put that guilt and anger in the right place and allow it to give you energy to motivate you to keep fighting for you. Most importantly, Please gently with yourself for now. You have nothing to feel guilty about as your doctor said "this is not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this abuse".

Just take everything one step at a time. Remeber this didn't happen over night and you will not heal overnight.

I think that you are doing a most excellent job of caring for you. You are doing the right thing.

(((Suzie))))

PreciosuG

May 5, 2009
5:27 pm
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RobynB
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SuzieQ - I love your doctor! You know she speaks the truth.

Keep it up girl, you are going to be the winner in this... and he will be the weiner! (Okay, a lousy joke, but I can't help myself sometimes).

(((SuzieQ)))

May 6, 2009
3:43 am
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suzieQ_85
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wow.. it's hard... i need to build myself back up. its just so hard.

May 6, 2009
1:34 pm
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Suzie,

It is hard getting to know yourself. It is hard facing ouselves after ignoring us for so long. Try not to focus on that. Instead focus on finding the little things that you do for yourself through out the day.

Well, this is a big eample of you rebuilding yourself, but you have given a voice to your abuse by opening up to your parents, doctor, and will do so again when you report the abuse to the police on Thursday. Being honest about the abuse is not an ending to the relatinship it is giant step toward rebuilding yourself.

You can and will rebuild you Suzie. You have already taken one of the most difficult steps that abused women face. You have spoken up and said "NO MORE I AM DONE"! I can't begin to imagine all the emotions that you are experiencing. I just one of the emotions is pride. You have every reason to be proud of yourself Suzie. Savor this moment and revist it when you are feeing down next time.

I know you are sad, depressed and even lost right now. It is normal. BUt just know tha tyou have so many people here that are on yourside and will hold you, support you, and rejoice with you when ever you need us.

((((Suzie)))

Love, PreciousG

May 6, 2009
1:51 pm
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fantas
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(((SuzieQ))),
More power to you gal!!!!! I'm sooooooooo proud of you for doing this. You have already started rebuilding your life. I really would press charges on him if I were you. This means that you are no longer fighting him alone. I reported my ex to the police and pressed charges. They jailed him and I was done with him from that point on. Not too long ago he started stalking me and all I had to do was report and they reopened the case. I think they contacted him because he just stopped one day.

I can't tell you how relieved and empowered I felt when I reported him and followed through on pressing charges. His lawyer and he tried to make me take him back and testify on his behalf and I refused. I also had the support of the Survivors of Domestic Abuse people.

Even if you don't press charges, you have taken a huge step here. Good for you and be very proud of yourself. If you can, go purchase, create, write,etc., something to mark this day, and put it where you can always see it. I put mine in the bathroom. Dollar store stuff will do. It's a souvenir for having arrived and visited the state of courage and self love. I did and still do. Every time I do something huge to honor myself, I put a milestone marker of some sort, just in case I forget and start beating myself up again.

May 6, 2009
1:58 pm
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yajamaka
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((suzieQ))
if there was an abuse i feel sorry for you. i can tell you what my counselor told me for my case. if my wife was mentally healthy and if she thought that i was cheating on her, she should have left long time back and file for divorce, not stay and torture for another year or so.
you should get out and never feel sorry for that. because you don't deserve it.

((specialK))

i hear a lot of supporting posts saying that the cops wouldn't place the person in jail if it weren't true. i'm just getting out of a very abusive marriage, in which my wife mentally abused me for almost 2 years as she thought that i was cheating on her. if there was any mistake on my part, whenever she tried to commit suicide, i loose my temper and show my anger at some furniture or some other inanimate object.
last month she called the cops and told them that i hit her. no questions asked and i spent three days in jail. and she got the order of protection for 3 weeks. she took my savings around $17,000, any material possession i had in my house, and trashed the house before she fled the country. on her way out she told my lawyer that i should be punished and sent to jail because i cheated on her. i'm still facing domestic battery charges. my point is, just because the cops put a person in jail it doesn't mean that they believe the accuser. it is their duty to arrest when an abuse complaint was filed. may be in your case the guy deserved it. but in my case, i lost sleep for almost two years, because she was up anyway keeping an eye on me so that i won't sneak out or sneak in my mysterious girlfriend.

May 6, 2009
4:27 pm
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suzieQ_85
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yajamaka I am very sorry that you were falsly accused and it is very wrong of your ex to have lied and done that to you.

You are of course free to share your story and i respect that.

however, there is no "if"in my abuse. I am struggling to get out of feeling sorry and guilty and feeling like i am overreacting because this ACTUALLY happened to me.no maybe in my case...
i come here because people support me here and that's what i need. you can share your story but i know feel you are putting question marks at mine and that';s very hard for me right now.

I hope you can respect that.

no offense

-suzie

May 7, 2009
9:50 am
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SpecialK
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Point taken, Yajamaka. Sorry. Considering my father and brother have both been abused at women's hands, I ought to have thought a lil more b4 spkng. I write really quickly sometimes.

Suzie -- sending good energy to you for tonight, let us know how it goes.

May 7, 2009
10:10 am
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RobynB
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Yajamaka and SpecialK - it's amazing to me how many men have been abused and yet it seems like all we ever hear about is women being abused by men. My current bf was abused by his ex-wife; she cheated and lied and once even spent a weekend in jail for breaking a beer bottle over his head! Of course, when the police arrived, she claimed he was abusing her, even though he was the one with blood all over his head.

Suzie - You're doing great! You are not a drama queen. This isn't easy stuff, but you must do it to show yourself that you can. Remember, you and you alone know the truth and that's all it takes.

May 7, 2009
3:04 pm
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(((Suzie)))

I am thinking of you and sending Angels with strength to surround and protect you.

Please post and let me know how you are doing.

Love PreciousG

May 7, 2009
5:34 pm
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suzieQ_85
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i am sorry for my tough reaction yesterday yajamaka, i was really insecure about the reporting and i wasnt being considerate and vented out on you.

tonight i went to the police station. wow that was so darn hard. to relive and rehash everything.

to feel like i wasnt telling the truth even though i was.. for just being conditioned into thinking whatever i say, believe and feel is bullshit .. so much that i began to doubt my own experience..

no more!!!

he sent an email and text today. i forwarded it to my sister and friend. they told me it wa sjust what they expected: him playing with my mind, clearing himself and being "loving".
my sister told me the oprah show about abuse was on. the one where she said: if he hits you once he will hit you again.. love does not hurt!! im gonna watch it online now.
its 12 at night now. today is my birthday.

me choosing myself/

by the way, even his sister, she knows what happened and what im doing now, is supportive. she was shocked but not surprised. imagine that: your own sister. she wished me the best and strength and was actually supportive of me reporting because she knows this is not right.

even his sister....

on saturday im leaving for a study trip to the czech republic. i dont feel like gping.. i feel very insecure and unsafe right now but it will be good for me! i will even be reporting a story about domestic violence in the czech republic ha! the irony! the cop said: that will be a good way of processing everything. he was very very kind.

so new day, new year now... happy 24th to me!

thanks again to everyone, love to you! precious, i felt your angels with me today! you are a dear!

May 7, 2009
8:00 pm
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fantas
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(((SuzieQ))), Happy Birthday!!!!!! Good for you!!! No matter what happens, you have stood up for yourself. You will love the Czech Republic. Very beautiful and you are going before the tourist season gets insane. All I can say is get a good concealable money and passport wallet, body wallet etc. Take comfortable walking shoes, a good camera, and an adventurous spirit. I have been there for almost three weeks and didn't see enough. I will have to go back.

About the ex and his sister. Stay on guard. As they say, blood is often thicker than water, so do not be surprised should she ever turn around. I had to deal with that. My ex's family wanted me to let him back into my life after I had thrown him in jail. His mother said. "call him and make dinner for him". I realized I was alone. Hopefully, this wont happen for you.

Enjoy your trip!!!!!!

May 8, 2009
11:23 am
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PreciousG
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HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND!!!!

So sorry this late.

I can't imagine how difficult it was to report the abuse. You are such a strong and courageous lady Suzie. I truly admire you and your spirit. You seem so determined to work and heal yourself.

I agree with Fantas in regards being aware of his sister. You have seen what she is capable of doing. I know it must feel so reassuring know that a family memeber of his is on your side. However, in the past she has proven herself not to be so trust worthy.

It wouldn't surprise me when the police confront him if she doesn't change her tune. Just be on guard about what she is saying and what you are telling her. I can guarantee that whatever you tell her she will go straight to him and report to him what you are doing and what you are saying.

I agree with you that htis trip will be good for you. I think it couldn't have come at a better time. You get away and get your mind wrapped around something else for bit. Also, you get the amazing opportunity to learn and help others. That may go along way toward your own healing.

It is understandable that you are feeling insecure and unsafe. You have taken on so much and chaninging so much in your life in a very short period of time. Most of all dealing with a person that doesn't appear willing to let you go.

Just know that I amd many others are here when you need anything at all. Those Angels that I sent will be with you always.

When do you see your therapist again? If you do not see her before you leave on your trip perhaps you could phone her chat with her. Also, perhaps you could discuss with her calling her while you are away if you need somone to talk to. My therapist allows me to call her when I am away or even if I jusr run into a tough spot and need someone to talk to. Just knowing she is there gives me security and helps me to feel safe.

Again, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It just occured to me! WHat a gift you gave yourself for 24th Birthday! You gave yourslef a gift of you! You took yourself back and gave yourself some much needed LOVE, HUGS, and KINDNESS. Nobody but YOU could give you that. And you did. You took your power back! WOW! YOU ROCK LADY!!!!

I am so proud of you forwarding those messages and not reading them. That is some amount strength and determination Suzie. You are chosing you! This is a perfect example of being in control and not allowing him to to get to you. Self-care is what it is all about. You are doing it Suzie. You are getting through this one step at a time.

I am so proud of you! I hope that you are having a peaceful calm day. Thinking of you!

Love, PreciosuG

((((SUZIE))))

May 9, 2009
4:03 pm
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Happy Birthday. One year from today you will look back in amazement how much you will have grown in strength and peace.

- Ma Strong

May 12, 2009
3:16 am
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suzieQ_85
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dear all,

Just a shot message from the czech republic.

Wow only now im noticing how much impact the relationship has had on me. im overly sensitive and insecure now. my sense of selfworth is non-excistent. .Some people here know what happened and they keep an eye on me but its a tough group you know. everyone is really tough and individual and sometimes it makes me feel sad and lonely.
also ALL the girls in the group have a boyfriend. ALL OF THEM! CRAZY!

so i havent heard from the ex bf anymore. when i went to pick up my stuff last friday he put a big bunch of flowers next to my bags and many presents inside... it was my bday.
i was really confused, like, do i thank him for it? i was just crying.
so eventually when he texted me the next day that he was missing me i texted him back THE ONLY TIME I DID AFTER WE BROKE UP! i got the presents and flowers. i appreciate the gesture but you've crossed many, many boundaries and that is unforgivable.

so after that, nothing! it worked i guessed.
so now im writing an article here about domestic violence and its a big confrontation.

ok have to run now. hugs to you all
oh and precious, you were right about his sister.

are you doing okay>?

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