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I have really gone crazy now!
January 25, 2007
10:40 pm
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doubledilemma
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Hello everyone

I don't know if any of you remember be, but I guess I am infamous for my famous "Suicide" post to Santoro.

Anyway, my husband and I were on holidays and I thought about my situation with my husband and the UK guy. My husband admits that he does not enjoy sex, well he does not enjoy it with me, anyway (but does more so with himself) and that he really doesn't want children. So I had this crazy idea and thought if only I could have Mr UK man's child in some way then at least I could have a part of both men who I love. I would have my husband and a child by this other gorgeous man. After all, Mr UK is probably wasting his seed on his latest conquest, when I could use it. I even found a site, but they only bring local people together who agree that the service is free, they are not a sperm bank, which is what I would need. The lady said it was impossible and unethical (especially since UK man wants nothing to do with me and my husband would never consent to this) but I thought it as a way out of my dilemma in a way. I have the love of the man who will always love me and who I will always love and the child with the man who is beautiful and gorgeous (and my husband not knowing who it is as they are not that dissimilar) and who will probably have a child one day with someone and who stated in his profile that he wanted children.

I have to find a way out of this depression and continual conversations going on in my head. Otherwise, I have to find a way to deal with the fact that I will not become a mother because it seems that without the sex being good, or desired in the way it should be desired by a couple both wanting children, I can't contemplate having children by my husband. I know other women can and do, but I know too much know and unfortunately, I can't. Does this mean I am not maternal? I cannot function most mornings and it is midday by the time I can concentrate on doing anything. The medication can make me drowsy and I can fatigue myself so much that I can sleep most afternoons and then can't sleep at night. I wake up miserable and angry. I am SO slow and so embarrassed to have anyone to my house or to admit what my life is really like. I think I no longer care about the UK man in that I don't care whether I actually have any contact with him again, as why should I if he considers that I am not worthy of knowing, but in my weird mind, I saw this as a compromise, even though there is no way it could really happen due the the legal ramifications, not to mention the deception.

I want to ask you, am I crazy? Am I crazy for not wanting to conceive my husband's child, but instead the child of a beautiful man who knows how to make love to a woman?

I know that I can't think less of myself because I don't have a sex life with my husband. I have enough self-esteem to think that I am still O.K., I can still be a sexual being without having sex, but how do I get over this one? How do I get over never being with a man who I love, but who doesn't see sex as lovemaking or as creation of a human being in mutual love, but who just sees sex as another function which is a nuisance to do with his wife, but whom I still respect for his choice and preference?

As I said, I will not leave my husband and thank God, because at my age, with my fading looks, fuller figure and with the experience of the UK man, I reallise I will not find love again, nor do I want to go through leaving him and heartbreak. I will not find a man who adores me as much as my husband of 16 years, nor will I put him through pain as I have tasted with the UK guy. But should I have myself committed for fantasising about his child and knowing that if I was some celebrity or had access to some intelligent resources and money, well, as they say, anything is possible?

What do I do know? I have come this far with the support of all you wonderful people to think that I no longer care about him, though my mind can play tricks on me and make me feel very angry at the world and at him for abandoning me and for knowing that there is a person in this world who despises me whereas before there wasn't, but how do I get over this final hurdle, that I won't be bearing the baby of either my husband or UK man in my arms and that is the way my crazy mind has made me?

January 25, 2007
11:15 pm
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veggiemom
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Hello dd...No, you are not crazy. You sound confused and unhappy and discontented, but not crazy!!

I apologize, I do not know any more of your story than what you've posted here, so please forgive me if I don't make sense in relation to your situation....

Did you say your husband does NOT want children? Is that why you cannot contemplate having children by him? Because if you truly want children and you let go of that dream, I feel you may end up bitter and resentful towards your husband.

You say your husband adores you, but do you love him? Are you happy and content with him? It does not sound like it. If not, I understand you do not want to cause him pain, but wouldn't it be more fair to him (if you are not in love with him) to know the truth and be able to find someone who loved and adored him as much as he did them?

"As I said, I will not leave my husband and thank God, because at my age, with my fading looks, fuller figure and with the experience of the UK man, I reallise I will not find love again,"

You say that as if it were fact, but my goodness, if you are still within child-bearing age you can't be that old! And believe me, there are plenty of men who are fine with (not to mention those who PREFER)a "fuller figure". And you had a bad experience with ONE man. These things do not at all point towards your not finding love again. If that is what is keeping you with your husband in a dissatisfying marriage, you need to realize you are not being honest with yourself!!

I am sorry I hope I don't sound judgemental. You just sound so sad and resigned to staying in this marriage for what looks like could be a lifetime of unhappiness. I think it is worth it to take a look at your fantasy and figure out what it is you are wanting and needing that leads to this fantasy seeming so appealing. Think about what would make you truly happy, how you want your life to look, and consider what changes you could make to get there.

The fact that you are fantasizing does not make you crazy! It just indicates that something is missing, you are yearning for something more.

January 26, 2007
12:31 pm
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taj64
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A lot of your fantasizing over a man you did not know or meet is probably because you are not happy with your husband. Even now it is distracting you from it. If you are not happy with your husband then I would leave cuz then you would be able to focus on what you really want in life, not a man you are already miserable with and you would be happier in the long run because if you were happier then you would not be fantasing over something that was not so real to begin with. You would be open to a different love, with a man who can treat you like the beatiful woman you are and also want a child with you. You can have a great deal of love for someone but that doesnt make a happy marriage if you are not getting what you want out of life. Sex is important part of marriage, so are children, so is having a good partnership. Just cuz you love each other does not mean you are right for each other. Try to figure out why you are unhappy.

January 28, 2007
7:02 pm
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doubledilemma
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Thank you both veggiemom and taj64, but think of all the marriages out there who are 'surviving'...We all survive in a way, we survive getting up and going to jobs that are not the best for us, or we don't get enough money, or recognition or we don't have the happiest families, but we make the most of it. I think ladies, that is what I am trying to do, make the most of it, but trying to keep my self-esteem going by knowing that I think there are a few good men for me, at least men who with put up with my eccentricities, so I am lucky. Yes, it would be ideal if we had a sexually loving and intimate marriage, but a man who wants sex, well what else is he going to demand?

I dunno, I am confused. Most people who know me say I am very lucky to have a husband like mine and how much he has put up with. Perhaps it is just the law of karma. Either way, the fantasising is painful, but I guess it keeps me sane in a way. I don't think I have the courage to leave him and if I did, it is not that the UK man would be falling at my feet, so I would have neither of these two men.

taj64, hon, you may not believe this, because I have this obsession with the UK man, but it is extremely difficult for me to fall in love with a man. That is what I think. Touch wood and God forbid, but if my husband died, it would take ages for me to find someone that I loved as much as my husband and who also loved me in return.

Anyway, I(we) keep on searching for meaning.

The group of people on here are so amazingly wonderful, you never cease to amaze me all!

Thanks once again,

D_D (G) xoxo

January 28, 2007
7:31 pm
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Loralei
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DD, I remember you well. Reading your last post, I felt that you have come a long way. It seems that you are seeing things more realistically now than you had before. I agree with the others that your unhappinesss stems from you unfulfilling marriage. I have been in a similar type of marriage for many years and I know how difficult it would be for me to leave it. I too, love my husband. But it is only as family, not as the love of my life. I feel just as stuck as you do. Not wanting to hurt him and wondering if I'd ever find Mr Right.

I could give you all kinds of advice about what you should do. But since I'm not able to take my own advice, I don't see how it would do you much good either. We may know what the answers are, but walking through that door is another story.

All I can offer is an understanding ear and to let you know that you are not alone with this dilemma. Maybe the answers will some day find us. (((DD)))

January 31, 2007
9:27 pm
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doubledilemma
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Thanks everyone for your reply. I have tried to read and even thought about replying to others' problems, but I am in "the zone" about my own problems again and when that happens, I feel SO selfish. It seems you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't". This is the way I see things.

Yes, I am in an unhappy marriage, but I have a stable man who loves me and who doesn't really want children and who sexually now has been put off me, I think due to the fact that basically good sex is hard work and he is unfit "performance" wise in that area, and using protection makes it more awkward and cumbersome and boring for me as well as not stimulating for him. Basically, our two bodies are not really suited to each other in the sex dept. So what.

I can't have children the way I feel now and I am not sure if I am even fertile as I have never been pregnant or tried to get pregnant., plenty of women can't and the world is full of unwanted kids. So, I don't get the problems of teenagers later.

Loralei, you stay with hubby because the pain of hurting a man you love is too much. taj, you think I should leave him but then I have no-one. No friends, no family and my sister will insist I move in with my mother and take care of her to relieve her (and she does need the relief as I am reminded when she gets verbally abusive towards me). So let's just say I leave hubby and move in with my mother or find somewhere close to her to live independently. Then, what do I do?

I start to date and have lots of sex with nice eligible men. Wow, the freedom to screw around and feel like a desirable woman makes everything better?

- NO thanks

I email Mr UK/Darcy or in desperation, contact him and admit my intense passion and longing for him has continued unabated to this day and tell him how I still wish I could just drop everything here in Australia, go over there to the UK, find him and immediately make love to him until we collapse from exhaustion, only to find that when I wake up from my dream, I get a knock on my door by the NSW Police or the local UK constabulary asking what I am doing contravening an NO CONTACT email request of July 28, 2005?

- NO thanks

I stay single and wait a few years for Mr Right to come along, and in the meantime, my husband, who is now my ex-husband is stricken with some terrible affliction/disease like terminal cancer, as well as being profoundly depressed from the day I left him; Mr UK is dead or has faced some tragedy which has left him a shadow of himself (though that would not change my feelings for him), someone else has died or I hit menopause, or more likely, all three happen around the same time.

'Coz as young April Lavine says in her song, "Life's like that, aha, aha."

- No thanks.

So what, I chant the Serenity Prayer as a mantra. I already have The Desiderata going on in my head and have to memorise that. So the Serenity Prayer is supposed to make me feel good about not changing the fact that:-

1) I love my husband too much to hurt him. I just love him until the day I die.

2) I love Mr UK/Darcy/Smoothy/Sweaty Sock in the most passionate way a woman can love a man and will until the day I die;

3) I want children, but not my husband's children. How can I have children not conceived out of passion and mutual desire, but instead mechanical sex designed to maximise my chance of conception only. How do I let go of that dream?

I think, in the back of my mind, I see myself getting together with Mr UK/Darcy/Smoothy/Sweaty Sock and I know that he would not want me if I have borne another man's children. IT would not be the same. But the simple fact is, is that it will be too late, no matter whose children I bear now.

So my question is, DO I bite the bullet and have the children of the man who loves me??

Also, I am such an obsessive-depressive that I am better off not having them and my husband says that I am fooled by what I see that I cannot have, that I would not really enjoy having them anyway and as I have jack-all support from immediate family, no close friends and my in-laws are so emotionally cold that a part of me doesn't even think they deserve Grandkids (yes, I can be a bitch too!!)then the situation is not really in my favour is it?

4) Yes, I see really sexy or attractive men and I get some sexual stirrings for them. But no-one I will love as much as I do my husband and I have no eyes for anyone besides Mr UK/Darcy/Smoothy/Sweaty Sock. So as far as even considering dating anyone, it would NOT work.

I PROCLAIM this to the whole world:

With the same fervour and conviction that Mr UK/Darcy/Smoothy/Sweaty Sock states that he has no feelings for me, never has and never will, well I state with the same fervour, same resolve and even stronger conviction, that, I doubledilemma:-

" WILL NOT, CANNOT, NEVER, EVER WILL NOT AND, AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY ** NO ** DESIRE TO IN THE FUTURE, FALL IN LOVE WITH ANY OTHER MAN EVER AGAIN AND I SAY THAT AS LONG AS I LOVE, CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE. "

WHY IS THAT SO?

BECAUSE GODDAMN IT, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT, IT IS LIKE THE USABLE SPACE IN THAT SECTION OF MY HEART IS TAKEN UP. IT IS FULL, THERE IS NO PLACE FOR ANY OTHER MAN OR MEN TO CLAIM THAT PART OF MY HEART. I CAN LOVE MEN PLATONICALLY, CARE FOR THEM IN LOTS OF WAYS, BUT I CANNOT LOVE ANYONE IN THE UNIQUE WAY I LOVE BOTH OF THESE MEN.

IT SEEMS THAT MY PATH IN LIFE IS TO SUFFER OVER LOVING TWO MEN AND TO BE MISERABLE BECAUSE OF IT.

CALL ME CO-DEPENDENT. CALL ME WHATEVER.

SORRY FOR SHOUTING, BUT I GET WORKED UP TOO MUCH.

AND THUS IT WAS, AND SO IT IS.

January 31, 2007
9:40 pm
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taj64
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You seem pretty unhappy to me! And also confused and very conflicted. Why cant you just look to love yourself? Maybe your suffering would end if you were happy with yourself first and foremost.

February 3, 2007
6:01 pm
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doubledilemma
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Dear taj, trying my dear friend, trying...at the moment I am doing good, but who knows what is around the corner... Thank you!

Confused and conflicted - yes, but who among is us is not, with the exception of yourself and one or two others.

I forgot to wish the new bride eternal love, happiness, health and joy forever, but at the moment forget what her handle is!

February 5, 2007
8:29 pm
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doubledilemma
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This morning I felt so crazy again that I vowed I would never visit the UK again and I would be more than happy if I was forced to by having a visa restriction that said "never to enter the UK" or never to enter the UK within x miles of Mr Darcy, more like. I am so angry, esp. as Valentine's Day is approaching, as that is when I stuffed it all up two years ago.

More so though, I am angry at myself for still thinking about him and when I read advice from gurus in the relationship field that say to someone some variation of "Oh I am sorry you have lost your love and have been grieving for him for two years, but really, the perfect man is out there, etc" I just feel so sick when I see this well-meaning, but dishonest stuff written to help someone feel better. I know you can't jolly well say to them, "Well you will be miserable forever, I suggest you forget about your future plans and mourn the fact you are going to be either a lonely heartbroken spinster or marry someone who you will never love as much as the man you loved so much".

But geez, there has to be a bit more honesty from these relationship folks out there surely, and a bit more empathy for the individual, especially when this happens to older, more mature women like this 36 year-old and me, who is 41 next month. We don't have time to mourn or to grieve and what happened to me with Mr UK/Darcy/Sweaty Sock could not have come at a worse time in my life, but heck, some of us are not just loosing love, but our reproductive capacity while we spend years getting over these men. That is the harsh reality of life, not that we are in our prime and have time to have babies, etc.

I mean, where is is written that we should or are going to get over a heartbreak. Some of us NEVER will and other consequences will follow. Please tell me where we came born with a manual and you turn to page x that gives us instructions on how to get over grief and heartbreak, because those pages were missing from the manual I was born with!!!

Jewel, if you are reading this, I am wondering how you are doing, hon?

D_D

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