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I have let God, but not able to let go
September 23, 2003
7:01 pm
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SweetPrinz
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September 24, 2010
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Why is it I cannot get someone who does not want me, and maybe never did, someone who I feel took advantage of me and my support and never gave it back, out of my head? When does the pain stop?

Saturday would have been our 3rd anniversary. I think of how we each made the other happy when we met. We were both in tough, miserable marriages, but, we always believed I would be the first one out. All I needed was the money, she was going to wait for her kids to grow.

We fell in love in just a few days, and life was head over heels for us. But, we both carried excess baggage into the relationship.

I had been abused as a child, made to feel I was a nobody, and I was always feeling invalidated by a wife who did not want me. She liked living her own life of teacher and mother. There was no 50-50 parenting.

The world seemed like it was only ours in some ways. But, there were kids, spouses, life, etc. I fell inlove, me, the most romantic man so many had ever known, and was willing to do anything and everythign for her. I thought I was rescuign her, the only one giving her some type of support in hermarriage; the onyl one she coudl trust and relate to. There were issues, and mingling our business and our personal lives, me working inside her home with her family there, so many factors, made it more and more difficult.

I never felt she could love me enough. She invalidated me so often, because she did not know otherwise, and because she was torn between her kids, her abusive spouse, and her love for me.I felt, and so did others, only one of us was working on the relationship. Only one of us was supporting the other, giving to the other.

My wife and I had not lived as husband and wife for years. She wanted to get a divorce when our son was in college,and he just started this year. My wife lent her 1K, with provisos that she be paid back on schedule. But, that schedule went by the wayside and I paid the price for having coerced my wife into helping her.

I read letters she wrote 2 years ago and realize, if we were not both codependent, things might have been different.

Towards the end, despite all I had done for her, money I had lent for her to get out from him, etc., she rejected me time and time again. She said she didnot need a man, and I was there when she said it. It hurt like hell.

With all that I did for her, and the little I got in return, the times I was rejected and invalidated, why is it I CANNOT LET GO, I CANNOT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD? WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN MAKE IT TO TOMORROW SOMETIMES. I have discovered God, I have been attending CODA sessions and EA sessions. Why cannot I not discover the freedom from all this pain?

September 23, 2003
7:35 pm
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gingerleigh
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September 30, 2010
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Are you still married? Do you also still keep in touch with this other married woman? If you want to be free from the pain, you need to remove yourself from the stimuli that are causing pain, no? It seems a little unreasonable to expect someone who has their hand on a hot stove to get the hand to stop hurting when you are leaving it on the burner. It doesn't matter how much salve or bandages you put on it, you're still burning it off in the mean time.

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