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I have flashbacks during lovemaking
February 5, 2009
2:35 am
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wifemother
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My husband and I have been married for 7yrs, 2 children. He knows about the sexual abuse when I was a child. I have frequent flashbacks. This happens in any order during sex. He thinks its something he does wrong. He is always supportive but it happens so frequent. He can tell most of the time when it happens but not always. I just have to turn my head the words wont come out. Im afraid this is causing a wedge between us what else can I do to stop the flashbacks? I dont see or hear my husband when this is happening and I dont think he understands. Flashbacks happen with no warning and he thinks he's the one that brings them on. What will stop it?

February 5, 2009
2:52 am
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CraigCo
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The first thing that comes to mind is counselling. I believe that you likely need to talk this out with a professional rather than having it rattling around in your own mind. My ex went through the same type of thing herself on occasion. I always tried to be as understanding as I could be & never once wanted to leave her or quit working on our relationship but, she had quit counselling within the 1st year of our marriage & later on turned to alcohol instead. Needless to say that in the long term, that obviously didn't work.

I'll bet it's a tough situation for you & going to spill the beans with a stranger, basically, would be much easier said than done. Probably well worth the effort though, don't you think?

February 5, 2009
10:37 am
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wifemother
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I think Id had rather pick out my room at the nut house. I tried this, granted I was very young and I didnt stick with it. They gave me meds. that made me feel crazier than what I was already. 20 yrs. down the road I dont feel comfortable going to a teeny-bop. I love my husband very much and I try so hard to push away all this garbage. I just wish I could control it. We were on vacation one time and he literally stoped me from running out the door naked! I cant imagine the $#-- that goes through his mind cause I know whats in mine.

February 5, 2009
10:57 am
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Zebra
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wifemother,

I think you should try counseling again. You were young, maybe had a counselor that was not worth your time but there are good ones out there and I do beleive it will help you.

Stay strong. Z

February 5, 2009
11:56 am
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wifemother
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Can anyone relate to any of this? My husband is very patient but sometimes I have a hard time explaining and getting him to understand. We come from a small community counselling is not one of our great resources. And if it were the entire community is so hung up on gossip, everyone knows everyone and everything about them.

February 5, 2009
2:34 pm
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CraigCo
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Do you have any way to see someone out of town? Don't see someone who is just going to prescribe meds. All that will do is mask the symptoms & not get to the root of things. In other words, no psychiatrists, just psychologists or qualified counselors. Posting here is ok too as you are bound to talk to someone who can relate to you but, I truly believe that you would be well advised to see a professional. I would have been impressed if my wife had taken that route. I would like to think that your husband would be as well. The both of you could benefit as a result & that's ultimately what you want, right?

February 5, 2009
2:52 pm
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atalose
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Wifemother,

What an un-healthy community you live in, everyone knows everyone else’s business, not a place to grow healthy in is it.

Counseling is about the only way towards recovery from your memories that are interfering with your life today.

I would suggest traveling farther away and face this issue with a trained professional.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 5, 2009
3:37 pm
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wifemother
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Thanks for the advise. I want to move away from this town so bad. We have a lot of close family here. My motherinlaw is the main reason why we stay. Consequently, so does my dad. It is mentally draining to bump into him in this small town. Thanks for your time.

February 5, 2009
3:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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wifemother -

Because of early sexual abuse, I had the same issues with my late husband during our twenty year marriage. Finally, I got into counseling with an excellent psychologist for nearly 10 months and worked through these painful issues. Today, I no longer have these trauma flashbacks. And yes...having sex with the husband you love CAN trigger the flashbacks.

Without counseling/therapy, you will continue having them.

I wish you the best. If you cannot find a good psychologist locally, you can always locate one nearby who will do telephone counseling. MANY do this.

- Ma Strong

February 5, 2009
4:02 pm
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atalose
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Wifemother,

How difficult it must be for you I am sorry you are in this position.

Hopefully bumping into your father does not happen often. With counseling learning new tools that will prepare you better for those times is key so that it won’t be mentally draining. How about a site like this on the internet but for sexual abuse specific, maybe there is something out there, have you looked into that?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 5, 2009
4:41 pm
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wifemother
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In your situation did they come and go? Everything will be fine for a while and then it happens and the bottom completely falls out from under me. Then I go for days even weeks feeling so distant and sickened by the entire thing. I feel sorry for my husband because I cant explain and he doesnt fully understand. I feel like he thinks sometimes that I loose love for him. It may seem like it from his point of view but I dont. If it were anyone else they would probley leave and never turn back. I just wish I could control it. Thanks for your response, I dont feel as isolated now.

February 5, 2009
5:11 pm
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wifemother
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My children dont know him as "Grandpa" and they never will. I worry how I will explain to them later-on down the road about this. He even mailed me a birthday card this past year.

February 5, 2009
6:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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My flashbacks also came & went with no warning. There could be long stretches in between when I was OK. Then...WHAM. Another would hit without rhyme or reason.

Again, I encourage you to get professional help for this. It will dramatically change relations between you and your husband.

As far as your abuser goes? Burn the next card that arrives UNOPENED. NO CONTACT. Your kids will be just fine without a grandpa. He doesn't deserve the title, nor should you EVER have to expose them to such a monster.

- Ma Strong

February 6, 2009
10:28 am
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wifemother
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I think my husband thinks I loose intrest in him. I am worried about going to a counsellor. I feel like a nut case most days. This card didnt have his address on it (p.o. box)it has caused a snow ball effect.It is mind blowing. He has never sent b day cards. Not even sure why he did this time.

February 6, 2009
5:47 pm
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wifemother
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Thanks for listening

February 6, 2009
7:28 pm
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truthBtold
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wifemother,

I don't know why in the world you would all of a sudden receive a card from him out of the blue.

(Think about his motives....._)

Though I have my suspecions. (spelling?)

Same thing kind of happened to me.

I had no contact with my parents for over 3 years - then - out of the blue - 'they' contact me.....NOT to see how I was doing or anything....basically - to lay a heavy guilt trip on me that: "Your father and I are getting up there in years and are experiencing some health issues."

So - automatically responding to that, I play the dutiful daughter role only to find out - basically - that they are pretty much scared shitless and are only looking for someone to take care of them in their years.......

I can not do this.

It is not that I won't....I simply can't.

It is like they drew every fricking-fracking life drop out of me and there is basically nothing left anymore for me to give.

Like having a pan on the stove with boiling water....after awhile all of the water boils out and there is not even one drop left.

Not one drop.

I can't.

I simply can not DO THIS!!!!!!

I realize that this is kind of getting away from your intial subject - but it does play a role.

I too have had some real flashbacks with my finacee recently.

I tell him that it is not his fault.

Then - I trust him enough and he is willing to listen without judgement as to just WHY this is.

I try to relay my feelings and frustrations by asking him - just how do you think you would react if your own mother made sexual advances towards you??????

Chances are - this would be beyond belief - so I kind of say - well, yeah.....welcome to my world.

Pain so deep and significant that it is really and truly.....BEYOND BELIEF!!!!!!

It's been my expereince that he actually tries to 'get it.' and what a load that is off of me.

See....most folks can not FATHOM - not even in their most darkest dreams.....what if might be like to be betrayed by a parent.

The person that is SUPPOSED to love and protect you!!!!!!!!!

It's beyond comprehension.

Actually - it is pain beyond belief.

Bottom line.

If you can get someone close to you to even CONSIDER what life must be like to expereince pain beyond belief....then you my friend, have a trusted confidant.

That's the kicker.

To somehow TRY to explain to someone else on the out-skirts.......just exactly what it is and what it feels like to be basically screwed over to this extent....and if they even have half a mind to try and consider it - hang on.

It's been really, really rough. But as a result,I am lucky. My finacee and I have grown very, very close because of this and also that he makes me feel safe.

Safety - Feeling safe - as most of you are already aware of - is key.

Detriment.

Imperitive.

Without it - no progress can be realized.

((((Everyone)))))

February 7, 2009
2:14 am
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wifemother
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wow. Thats a mouthfull I dont sleep much anymore

February 7, 2009
3:21 am
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wifemother
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I feel very safe with my husband. He and the kids are all I have.
This singing b day card along with $50 was a game for him, I think.I guess there is a first time for everything. This was a "Im sorry" game for him. Nothing else.
Later part of last year he started coming to my place of work and bringing me lunch. Makes me want to puke thinking of it. I no longer work there, taking some well needed time off. I have burried myself at home and I plan to stay here for a while. He can enlighten my ex coworkers with his charm. I want no part of anything he has to offer.
The first time I ran into him years had passed and I couldnt get past his face...eyes had aged tremendously. It was almost like I could feel my soul running away. My legs were jelly and wouldnt move. I could build a solid house with all the hate I have inside my heart.

February 11, 2009
9:48 am
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wifemother
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My husband informs me last night that this is none of his none of his concern. I must have been wrong somewhere down he line when I thought this had a huge effect on us. He really dont want to know whats going on or what I can do to stop it. And cares nothing about readig a book from his perceptive. Maybe I am too far gone for any help anyways. Maybe if I can continue as a robot I will eventually learn how loose all the bagage.

February 11, 2009
11:33 am
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wifemother
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advise anyone

February 11, 2009
11:40 am
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Randomwomen2
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I just want to give you hugs of support ((((Wifemother)))) Im so sorry for the pain that your going through.

February 11, 2009
1:40 pm
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wifemother
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I feel so bogged down here lately. I dred to see nighttime come. I am constantly doing something to keep my mind occupied. I watch a funny movie before I go to sleep hoping to ease my brain from rambling in my sleep. I wish that god would have installed an off button for the insanity that goes through my mind. Thanks for the support((( ))) for you too.

February 12, 2009
10:07 am
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thewall
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There is a book entitled "The Rape Recover Handbook: Step by Step help for survivors" by Aprhodite Matsakis.

Although your situation was incest, I do recommend that you read it. I also suggest that you have a friend or counselor to talk about the book with.

In the book it discusses the issue of nightmares and flashbacks. It does a good job of explaining how nightmares and flashbacks are the minds way of purging the trauma and memories. Although they are horrible to experience and deal with, they are actually a good thing bc it means we are healing more. I'm not saying that you should hope for nightmares or flashbacks, bc I have suffered from them and hate them and know how scarey, painful and emtotionally draining they are, but when you do have them, instead of waking up saying "omg I had another nightmare", say "well, I healed a little more last night".

I have been raped and molested and incested. Sex can be great again. Trust me. But you have to talk it out with a counselor in order to heal from all of this. Otherwise your mind has nothing else to do but purge it out in the form of flashbacks, and nightmares. Wouldnt you rather purge your mind by way of discussing and talking about the experience instead?

Counselors are bound by confidentiality laws. They cant tell anyone. Otherwise they will lose thier license. If you cant find someone in your town, drive to the next town and talk to someone. It will be worht it once you find someone you can trust. You might want to google rape counselors or rape trauma center in your area. They are trained for all kinds of sexual abuse issues.

good luck!

February 12, 2009
11:20 am
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wifemother
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Thanks

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