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I have a question about "hate"
December 26, 2005
2:04 am
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love me tender
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Some of you have read and responded to my previous postings but for those of you who don't know ... here's a quick bit of background & then a question.

I have been seriously dating & living with my ex for a year and a half. In that time, he cheated on me a couple times - once on the internet (maintained an internet dating relationship with another woman long distance for a few weeks till I found out) & once physicaly (when I discovered it, he claimed it happened because he and I had gotten into a fight that night, I was out of town & he decide to "get me back). Long story short, both times I found out, he manipulated a way to make it my fault, was barely apologetic but did swear not to do it again. He claims he hated me because, although he has admitted to me on several occasions that he thinks he is an alcoholic, he is pissed off that when his mom & sister asked me if I thought he had
a drinking problem, I said yes. He said this is the worst betrayal he has ever experienced and he has been filled with hate for me ever since & that is why he cheated on me.

He and I moved cross country together four months ago and a couple months later, I discovered he was yet again having an internet relationship & had invited the other woman to visit him over Xmas because he and I had planned to spend the holidays apart with our separate families. Since the previous two times, he had found a way to make it my fault, I basically decided he was never going to change &, while it killed me to leave him & to realize he just didn't love me, I left him.

Since then, he has peppered me with everything from apologies to blame but he has not said he loves me and wants me back. I decided the only way to get through this was to go with "no contact" because all I wanted was for him to say he loved me and wanted me back and it was the one thing he wouldn't say. So, since I have initiated no contact, he has left me countless voice mails & emails (that I just don't respond to & try not to read) basically saying how much he hates me & how he has hated me ever since the "betrayal" with his family. It is so incredibly painful, I can't even tell you and I can't understand where this comes from. He betrayed me, how can he possibly blame & hate me? I told his mom & sister the truth out of concern for his health & his disease. Have any of you ever experienced this? I have done nothing but treat him lovingly & supported him financially (he owes me a TON of money) and he keeps leaving me nasty messages. I am trying to tell myself that this is coming from his alcoholism and his desire to maintain his addiction and that maybe, just maybe, the only way to inspire such hatred is if he actually had deep emotions (maybe love???) for me and doesn't know what to do with the realization that his disease screwed that up.

Does anyone have any experience? TO have someone you love, who has betrayed you then claim to hate you??? It is so friggin painful it makes me want to prove to him that I am a good person but I know I am best off maintaining no contact b/c he repeatedly betrays me. Anyone have any thoughts on this or experience with this? I made the mistake of reading one of his emails today & it just killed my holiday - it was so hateful and truly, I've been nothing but loving & supportive of him.

Help!!!!

December 26, 2005
3:09 am
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FindingSelf
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Just some thoughts:

While I have never directly had any experience with addiction, with the exception of smoking and a bit of a pot habit when I was a teenager, I can understand how painful this must be for you. That being said, I don't think he can love you because he has no love for himself. He doesn't understand that, as an adult, he is responsible for himself and himself alone, and he deflects that responsibility because it is easier for him to blame somebody else for his problems. I don't think you have anything to prove to him at all. Get away and stay away! It's easier said then done I know, but the best thing for you right now could be distance and time, and maybe he'll figure things out on his own. There's nothing that you can do to make him realize that the problems he is facing must be tackled directly by himself and nobody else. You can't even tell him that! The acceptance of personal responsibility is one of the steps to fully maturing, and for whatever reason something has held him back.

I hope this helps!

December 26, 2005
3:53 am
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love me tender
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I appreciate your comments and I hope you are right & that he will eventually mature on his own. It helps just to know someone is out there listening - thanks. I really do appreciate it. This is the first person I've ever been involved with who had an addiction and it has been the hardest relationship I've ever had. I know my codependent nature only fed into it all but it also makes it so incredibly difficult to accept that I can do nothing but move on. Thank you for your kind and helpful words & happy holidays 🙂 I can't wait till enough time has passed that I can move on from this pain.

December 26, 2005
1:07 pm
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i got this
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it sounds like you are on the right track, you know that you deserve better, do your self a favor and don't answer any form of contact.

i once had a relationship with a man that had a addiction problem to drugs and alchohol.....a year of let down, and disapointment,

he always chose the drugs and alcohol over me always leaving me to pick up the pieces, this is a horable way of life to live. finaly he cheated on me, with a girl that had a worst drug problem than he did....he left me for her.she has cheated on him at least six times that i know of, and his life is a reck, they are still together off and on and both still doing drugs and drinking..

i have never spoke to him to this day and i thought i need clousure, it has been 4 years, and i moved on i still hear things from his friends and family, carma is a b-----. however i feel sorry for him!!!!!!he got payed back 100 fold what he did to me......and i am thankfull that i am not the one picking up the peaces.

granted that i cryed and it was painful.but no contact was the best thing i did.....

if i did it you can to please take courage and know that you do have the strenght, work on your self do some soul searching. he realy is detramental to him self and to you only if you allow him chose life and blessing....................good luck

December 26, 2005
1:19 pm
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Anonymous
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love me tender,

I've haven't had any similar experience to yours, but I do know that was a very unhealthy situation for you and I'm glad you got yourself out. Until he takes responsibility for his own drinking, there's nothing you can do for him. All you can do is protect yourself.

The good that you did for him will come back to you, if it hasn't already. You'll be compensated for it, somehow.

If he spews as much hate as you describe, it's not motivated by love. IMO, it's motivated by the hurt he feels over not taking responsibility for his own actions. I wouldn't take it personally.

Take care and I'm glad you found the no contact zone. It will serve you well.

December 27, 2005
11:19 pm
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love me tender
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Thanks IGT & seekr! Though its sad to accept that he does not/may not love me, I guess it helps to accept that the hate is more motivated by his own issues with himself than having anything to do with me. It's still frustrating but the no contact does help. Thanks again 🙂

December 28, 2005
3:22 pm
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kathygy
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love me tender,

no doubt the feelings of hatred he has for you have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his issues.

It reminds me of a child who is told 'no, you can't stay up, you have to go to bed now' and the child says 'I hate you!' to his or her mother. when indeed the child doesn't hate the mother at all. This is just a manipulative expression of anger to get his/her own way.

I suspect your husband is very angry at you for leaving him and not taking him back. If someone gets dependent on another person they can come to have great resentment for that person.

Your husband's feelings of hatred sound very imature and not to be taken literally. He's trying to get you to respond to him by telling you he hates you.

Him telling you he hates you for telling his parents he is an alcoholic is just the alcoholic in him talking. An alcoholic hates anything that may get in the way of his drinking.

December 28, 2005
5:08 pm
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Philosuffer
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Wow. I'm afraid my advice is short and straight to the point--you will never be happy with this person. Life is too short--move on and find happiness with yourself first, and then someone you can share life with in a loving and supportive relationship.

December 28, 2005
5:11 pm
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feline
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Quite often you find these people only love themselves and so aren't capable of loving anyone else. Or despice themselves and also can't love others. Kick him to the curb and find someone worthy of you.

December 28, 2005
5:25 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Love me tender,

His immature reaction is very common with alcoholics. Kathy hit the nail on the head by comparing it to a child. It is the alcoholism talking.

You cannot change him. You cannot help him. There is not enough love in the world to get him away from the bottle unless he wants to.

IMO, you made the right choice by leaving. You cannot have a fulfilling relationship with an active alcoholic. Unfortunately, the best chance he has of recovering is to lose everything.

I know how hard it must be for you. The best advice I can give is to try to keep the focus on yourself. I would strongly recommend that you attend Alanon. It is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics based on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a wonderful place to go for support and encouragement with people that can relate like no others can. They are/have been, where you are. Please give it a try.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lolli

December 28, 2005
5:31 pm
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Shaney
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Oh love me tender -

Stay with no contact and do not read his messages. These messages are meant to hurt you, the way that his infifelity was meant to punish you. This isn't love at all.

You are a good person and he knows that. That's why he is trying so hard to tear you down with his insults. Misery loves company - so if he can get you to feel bad enough about yourself, you may actually cave in to his attempts at manipulating you.

A person that loves you, lets you know in every way possible, that you are a good person and that they appreciate you - they show you AND they tell you. Love doesn't place blame, call names, or get revenge. What he has to offer isn't love - realize that and be proud of yourself for breaking away from a situation that was only going to bring you down... it was already happening and it's only been a year and a half. Count your blessings and move on - and refuse to read any more of his messages. What he says doesn't necessarily have to be true, it only has to hurt you. You know in your heart what kind of person you are - you don't need validation from someone else... especially from someone who is just trying to hurt you. You'll get through this - take care.

December 28, 2005
6:33 pm
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gingerleigh
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You can block his emails, set it up so that any messages from him will be automatically deleted. If he has a legit reason to get in contact with you, trust me, he can find another way. And this will be one less thing you have to worry about...

December 29, 2005
2:56 am
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love me tender
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Thank god for this site and for all of you. Thank you, thank you. Kathy - I have been thinking of going to Alanon or even CODA - maybe it's time to finally do it. And Gingerleigh, I did finally take your advice (which had also been the advice of a friend) and changed his email to a spam address so I just can't get them anymore because they were just setting me back so much every time I opened one. I hadn't thought about the child analagoy but it makes so much sense. And, other people have compared him to a child in other ways before so it's all the more fitting. I also hear that alcoholism stunts your maturity and makes you behave very childlike so it makes sense on alot of levels. I can't tell you all how much your input means. Today I allowed myself my final setback - I read one last email wherein I also found out that he is now flirting with/semi-dating a friend of mine. That's when I took all of your advice - changed his email to spam and kicked him to the curb for good but I thank you for having the comments here to help me have the strength to do so 🙂 I just can't keep letting myself be hurt by his threats of hating me. I have to get back to my own healthy belief in myself. My confidence has been so destroyed by him, I have to start re-building. Thank you all!

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