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I HATE YOU BARBARA!
January 8, 2002
10:40 am
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cloud
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i hate you why did you have to cancel on me

January 8, 2002
11:16 am
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cloud
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you will never know the extreme solitude and desperation of my heart. the way my heart plunges down into my stomach when i leave you or when you dissappoint me. and maybe you'll never know this because you may never see me again.

January 8, 2002
11:49 am
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syqg
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That is a threat if i ever saw one what do you mean by that exactly?

January 8, 2002
12:40 pm
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artist
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I purposely went back through all the threads that you've posted ,cloud--and I see the pattern that you are in.
First, let me say that I'm am sorry that you are in so much pain and let me also say that whether you believe it or not--you are causing your own pain, not Barbara, not Felice and not Christine. Your postings have contained pretty much the same theme since last March when you started the original counseling dependency--honey--that's not too far from a whole year that you've felt similar feelings for 3 different counselors.
There is a very good reason why counselors can't maintain friendships with their clients and that is objectivity--it is very difficult to be a close friend and to help you with the work you need to do to become a happy ,healthy individual--that's the bottom line---the work YOU need to do.
These counselors DID NOT abandon you--they let you go because you developed an unhealthy attachment to them --they were doing it with your best interests in mind--and I know that you don't believe
that--and as long as you don't believe that-- you will always be the obstacle to your own growth because you will always blame
others for your unhappiness. You ARE strong-- you can be alone and still survive--you may be afraid but so is everyone else--fear doesn't go away but it can be controlled doesn't kill --it just takes practice.
I realize that you are angry right now and this is more than likely what you don't want to hear--but I felt the need to say it.

Artist

January 8, 2002
12:45 pm
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artist
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Whoops, the line that is missing words should read: fear doesn't kill you.

January 8, 2002
4:21 pm
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Molly
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counselors sometimes know when its time for you to grow, and the growth that you need to do, and it looks like this is it. Just like the mama bird pushes the baby bird out of the nest, so fly baby bird, your wings are there.

January 8, 2002
8:26 pm
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cloud
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but i'm still a baby, molly.

artist, i know you are right. i have to help myself. i know. i just don't know how to do it. i feel i need assistance.

syqg, i meant what it sounded like...that i wanted to kill myself.

January 8, 2002
9:16 pm
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syqg
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How do you do it? Like every breathing human around you doesit. We get up get up eat, shower, get dressed, go to work, or watch children. We grocery shop when need food then cook it when hungary and well we brush teeth when done. turn tubeo on grab hanky if crying wipe tears turn tube off, turn kids in for nite nite and lites out. You survive and anyone or anything that gets in your way you remove yourself from their presence immediately. You make wise choices on friends. You make a good choice on employment. You find place to live that you are comfortable with and you pay bills on time to avoid financial distress all the time. You survive Cloud. We all survive. Somewhere in all of that you have got to laugh at you and the world. You have to like yourself first of all Cloud. We humans don't let those we don't like survive for very long. So if u want to get your years that were given to you to live and atleast try to enjoy you better start now or Cloud why even survive?

January 8, 2002
11:54 pm
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damaged
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Cloud I know how you are feeling. Now it's time to learn and grow from your pain. I think that is Gods way of talking to us.

When I developed feelings for my counselor I wanted to run and never see her again, however I have choosen to stay and work through it. Learn how to set boundrys, learn how to make me happy and not depend on anyone else. I am still not there yet but I am getting there. Cloud do something today that makes you feel good and then write about it and then share it with us if you want to. I would like to hear about it.

January 9, 2002
5:17 am
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Tinkerbe11
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Cloud: I am really worried about you. PLease e-mail me soon

Tinker

January 9, 2002
7:49 am
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artist
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Cloud--don't be afraid to make mistakes--that to is part of surviving--if you screw up--don't beat yourself up about it--just pick up the pieces and carry on--keep on trying--it gets easier with practice.
Hang in there.

Artist:)

January 9, 2002
1:32 pm
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Molly
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We all have a part of us that wants to remain a baby, you should see me toss a tantrum. I envy those three year olds that get to toss them selves on the grocery store floor and rant, cry and dominate, but it doesn't work for me, I think they would call the folks with the white jackets. The other thing is taking responsibility for my choices, damn, I hate that, but the hunger for my freedom is stronger than my fear of being wrong, thank God. I have made so many mistakes. But sometimes that pain, or that joy is what reminds me that I am alive, and living. You fall down and get up, fall down maybe sit a while and get up again. the bruises heal fast. Take only one day at a time, one hour at a time. Use that anger fear, reluctance, hesitance, and who ever put in your head that you can't..... make them wrong. I don't know how this dependency serves you, I wish I could really understand or relate, but I am sorry I can't . There are so many out in the world that really have no choice, handicapped physically or mentally, to be emotionally crippled for so long, when you have had the help and support is so sad to me. Like the joke of how many shrinks does it take to change the light bulb, the answer is the light bulb really has to want to change. There are better ways of dominating, getting attention, commanding, than remaining in infancy, have you tried them ? Once you get out of the crib, and do something you will creat the opportunity for recognition, for satisfaction, for change, and you might really be able to fly. This attitude for so long repels people, instead of attract them, I know this is hard for you, change sucks, but how much longer, how many other counsleors, just what is it that you think you need before the thunder bolt strikes ?

January 9, 2002
5:41 pm
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cloud
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Syqg: that is precisely the problem, i don't like myself, i hate myself.

Damaged: i thank you for understanding where i'm coming from. i eventually got through yesterday and today I called barbara and eventually got to talk to her. that made me feel better.

You know, all of your who have posted are totally right. I really do have to take responsibility for everything that i'm feeling. i am NOT a baby. i may want to be but i'm not. although sometimes i really do feel like one. I know i have to make everything right for myself. but i have such an attachment to barbara right now. i called her today 4 times, eventually getting her. i found out she was sick these past few days and that's why she canceled yesterday. i will see her tomorrow for group. i hope to talk to her a little bit afterwards too about the letter i sent to her over the weekend. i feel so stupid now too. i was so desperate yesterday, i did stupid things. i cut myself bad. i wanted barbara to see it so badly.

i am okay now. i spoke to her. i will see her tomorrow. the only thing is i am sure this kind of thing will happen again next time.

January 9, 2002
6:05 pm
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syqg
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And I'm sure you will have a different counselor soon. Sorry Cloud can't keep writing someone who wants to stay the same.You are too comfortable the way you are. Maybe the problem isn't you don't like yourself but that you like yourself just the way you are, needy.I wish you well.And well, I probably will write back. I know me.

January 9, 2002
7:16 pm
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damaged
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Cloud talk to me about your cut!!!!!! and why you want her to see it?? and are you ok?

January 9, 2002
8:45 pm
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cloud
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syqg: you know what? you may have hit upon something that is true deep down inside me. maybe i'm scared to change. maybe i'm scared that if i get better, i won't know how to act. i've been this way for my whole life. i don't know how to BE any other way. i feel so comfortable having someone to be attached to and dependent upon, but i hate the way it makes me feel when i can't be with that person 24/7. it's like i can't win either way. i'm sorry for making you mad.

damaged: i wanted barbara to see what i'd done to myself kind of as a proof of how badly i was feeling, or else she will never know the truth. i don't feel like i can get my feelings across well enough in words (especially verbally, that's why i wind up writing letters) so i have to do something visible. it's the only way i know how. i never used to hurt myself before, just used to take the pain and curl up with it, wanting to die. now i know that i don't actually have to die. but hurting myself by scratching or banging gets out my anger and actually does lessen the pain to a degree.

January 10, 2002
12:25 am
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damaged
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you know I am a cutter and I still wonder why I want to do that shit. I can relate to you with all of this too. I think about it less and less right now, I am trying to stay focused on the good things I can do. I focuse on what I am doing for the moment or day to make me feel good.

Did you do anything today that made you feel good? and if you did will you tell me about it? One small little thing. tell me

January 10, 2002
12:26 am
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gypsygirl
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I found 20 bucks in my purse when I thought I was broke. That made me feel good!!!

January 10, 2002
9:52 am
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cloud
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The one thing I'll do today that will make me feel good is going to group and seeing Barbara. I'll let you know how it goes.

January 10, 2002
11:11 am
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Cici
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Hi cloud,

I've been learning a lot about professional behavior as a counselor in the last year here at my program (this is my last semester! 3 more months! woo hoo!). And our intructors do recommend that when we sense a client becoming too dependent on us that we should break off the interaction because it's difficult to maintain your objectivity and good judgement when you're under pressure like that.

Another thing I realized is that as a counselor the population I want to treat is very limited. Any counselor who is honest with themselves knows this. Because we can only really treat those people who honestly and desperately WANT to be better, to change their lives, to take a different course. Otherwise, as another poster mentioned on another thread, the process of counseling can be very detrimental. just a thought...

January 10, 2002
11:21 am
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gypsygirl
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Hmm.

January 10, 2002
11:49 am
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syqg
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Not mad Cloud. Just wanted you to see something..........and you did. Good. Good luck to you. Write me about anything and I'll try to help...but I will be honest about my opinion. Just to let you know I'm very depressed myself, didn't dress til noon today...well just letting you know i'm not holier than thou.

January 10, 2002
12:43 pm
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cloud
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well, going to group did not make me feel any better. it either made me stay just the same or made me feel a little worse even. barbara didn't acknowledge my letter at all. god, what does one have to do to get any attention??? kill oneself?

syqg: i'm sorry you are depresseed too. i'm sorry for everyone out there who is feel badly. is there anyone out there who actually feels good?

cici: when you say that counselors should break off the interaction when the feel the client becoming too dependent, do you mean for good? or just for a bit? counseling has been very detrimental to me in the past.

January 10, 2002
6:23 pm
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damaged
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ok Cloud so your group didn't help you feel better, so what one little thing are you going to do TODAY to help you feel better even for a small second. Come on this isn't asking to much is it!!!!

January 10, 2002
8:40 pm
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gypsygirl
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Cloud what did the letter say?

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