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I Hate Waking Up Sometimes....
March 11, 2007
11:14 am
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careless1
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I woke up this morning and was attacked by anxiety. Every fear in my life seemed to be in my dreams. I feel out of control and just trying to get a grip seems to be an impossible task. I want to run down the street screaming. I don't know how to begin dealing with the things that are coming my way. How can I fix all my problems? There are so many and their destroying what little life I feel I have left. My family is so angry at my past mistakes with him that their no longer there. I am so alone.

March 11, 2007
12:38 pm
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gracenotes
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careless1,

When I feel overwhelmed and anxious, I sometimes write about it. I did that yesterday, because so much is happening in my life, and some of this monstrous, anxious stuff was not so awful anyway. I don't think I am as anxious as you, but maybe this would help.

If your family has dumped you (doesn't say much for the character of them at all), then it sounds like you need some real,, live support too. Are there any CODA or other 12-step meetings you could attend where you could be supported and accepted for who you are, and build some new connections with others?

I know that recently my friendship supports have been so valuable. I am not necessarily even close to all of these people, but I always end up feeling more relaxed.

Also, if all your anxiety is coming out in dreams, are there one or two things you can do during the day to lessen the anxiety. Even taking a walk, doing something physical to get that energy in your body out may help.

So, my two cents this morning.

Today, I am just going to go do something fun that I have been wanting to do. I only know one person there, but I am sure I will feel better just getting out and going to a concert.

March 11, 2007
1:05 pm
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careless1
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I am unable to find anything in this small town that I moved to. I just wanted to get away from him. I feel so overwhelmed. The more I try to fix things the worse they get. It feels like dying is my only way out. I have never been so comfortable with the thought of ending all this mess. I have no where to turn. It hurts so much.

March 11, 2007
1:36 pm
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thedogsmom
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careless1,

I'm sorry you feel so bad taht you are thinking of ??suicide? I never would consider killing myself because of how it would effect others-my family---and cause I'm a big chicken- and cause I do know --that no matter how bad things are today-- that a better day will come..

but I do sometimes hate waking up--find it hard to make myself get out of bed and face the day-- hear myself saying "I hate life!".... that scares me. I shouldn't hate life. Life is short and we only have this one and we should be able to experience peace and happiness.

I'm not sure what your life story has been to bring you to this anxiety and depression. I'm living with an addict-so that's my story in a nutshell. It hasn't been a good time. I feel like I've been going crazy and depressed for over two years now--and still haven't been able to bring myself to END the relationship once and for all.

It is bad when it feels like friends and family gives up on you-but I think they probably can't understand why you put up with "him" when they see how unhappy you are. I bet they want the best for you and find it hard to give advice and then for you to continually make those mistakes.

I'll bet they wouldn't give up on you if they knew you were thinking of ending your life. I think if the depression has gotten so bad and the anxiety that you are even thinking about that- that it is TIME to go seek help from a professional. Have you already tried counseling? What is your story- do you have a thread that helps to explain things? Keep writing here and you will get much love and support. Hopefully- you will start to feel better -- little by little---and on your way to healing.
TDM

March 11, 2007
2:11 pm
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careless1
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It's such a long a shameful story but here it is in a nut shell. Back in 02' I was a single mom of 4 and working at the state prison. I met a man who also worked there. We began seeing each other. It began to become an obsession and he eventually isolated me from my friends and became violent. My 2 older kids ran away from home. I was in a fog and felt emotionally weak. He preyed on this and little by little took more and more. He broke my jaw and it was wired shut for almost 2 months. My ex had heard about this and ended up with the custody of my younger 2. I fell into a deep depression and have never been the same since. I have taken out loans for him and I am in a mess financially. I've lost my job and all my belongings trying to get away from him. I moved to a small town in Dec. of 06' and had not heard from him until the end of Feb. and he started the same thing up again about how it was my fault and if I would of just done what he wanted me to do that none of this would be happening. I have blocked all his e-mail now and he has not reached since last week. However I don't think I can repair all the damage that has been done and mentally I am just a waste of space. I found out yesterday that the sheriff dept. has been to a few of my family members house looking for me. I don't even want to know what that is about. I could just throw up. I'm 39 years old and my life seems unrepairable. Even reading over this I feel so stupid.

March 11, 2007
4:19 pm
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thedogsmom
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Wow- (((careless1)
Your story sure sounds like a nightmare. But I think you are being too hard on yourself. You say your story is shameful and you feel stupid and its unrepairable---NONE of this is true.
It may feel like it now. You've suffered so many losses and seem to have no-one to really turn to -but IT is NEVER too LATE to make changes to better your life. It may seem like things will NEVER get better. But we make choices every day that can improve our lives, or we can do nothing and stay stuck where we are.
They aren't easy steps to take to better our situations- I know this. It's a painful journey that you have already begun to do.
One --you left him! Two-- you moved away to start over! Congradulations- that is a REALLY HARD thing to do. It takes MUCH strength to move and start a new job! That shows you still have something there in you to help yourself.
Have you sought counseling? I really think that it would help you.
I know its hard to even get out of bed. You have many things to feel bad and sorry about. But you also have 4 children- out there to think about. And even though they may not be a part of your life right now-- they wouldn't be better off knowing their mommy gave up on life. That could really cause some damage. Please seek help from a counselor for the anxiety and depression. Then keep coming here also--- and you can keep taking....baby steps... to move yourself in a better direction. Even if the baby step is just getting out of bed and taking a shower for the day. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
TDM

March 11, 2007
7:57 pm
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careless1
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It's almost 6:00pm and I've been in my room all day. I haven't done anything constructive because I just don't have it in me today, but I haven't done anything distructive either, so I got that going for me. I've got to hang on. Tomorrow I will begin to make phone calls to find out whats going on with the sheriffs dept. and then some help for my emotional issues. I really don't think there is anything out here. As it starts to get darker outside I can feel my anxiety trying to creep up on me. Screw this I have to fight. I'm not a quitter. Thats why I still smoke. Hahahaha. I made myself laugh thats a good sign.

March 11, 2007
8:00 pm
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lollipop3
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(((careless)))

March 11, 2007
9:30 pm
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thedogsmom
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careless1,

I think you did manage to do something with MUCH worth! One- gave us both a laugh and two you made a decision to get up tommorow and make a few important phone calls. Do it!
Call home and face the fear to find out what the Sherrifs department needs from you. And look up a number and Call and try to set up an appointment to help you to deal with this depression you are sinking into.
Good for you! you can do it!
We can do it!
TDM

March 11, 2007
10:23 pm
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careless1
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I feel a lot better. Your right about so many things. I have a long way to go but I feel surrounded by people who really care and thats a big relief to me in it self. TDM and everyone else thank you for getting me through this day.

March 12, 2007
12:54 am
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Anonymous
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Its tough! But you seem to be a fighter! Try to imagine that one day youre going to get out of this fog, and then you wanna find out you didn´t do anything that isnt repairable from this point on!

For every day you survive:

Ain’t It Fine Today?

Douglas Malloch

- What’s the use of always cryin’
Making trouble last?
What’s the use of always keepin’
Thinking of the past?
Each must have his tribulation,
Water with his wine
Life it ain’t no celebration
Trouble? I’ve had mine ~
But today is fine.
- Sure, this world is full of trouble ~
I ain’t said it ain’t.
Lord! I’ve had enough and double,
Reason for complaint.
Rain an’ storm have come to fret me,
Skies were often gray;
Thorns and brambles have beset me
On the road – but, say,
Ain’t it fine to-day!
- It’s today that I am livin’,
Not a month ago,
Havin’, losin’, takin’, givin’,
As time wills it so
Yesterday a cloud of sorrow
Fell across the way;
It may rain again to-morrow,
It may rain – but, say,
Ain’t it fine to-day!

March 12, 2007
9:28 am
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careless1
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It's a little after 7:00 am and I'm awake again. I can't seem to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. As soon as my eyes open the anxiety starts. I told myself I would make those phone calls today and I will. I can't stop thinking about how much debt I'm in and how long before it all catches up to me and I even wonder if he is thinking about me. Does he feel bad about any of this. He has never acknowledge responsibilty for anything else he has ever done, so I seriously doubt it. I don't know why I even care what he's doing or who he's doing it with anymore. I need to take a shower and see if I can just slow down my thoughts. They hit me to fast and it feels like I just spiral in my head.

March 12, 2007
9:58 am
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caraway
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careless,

It sounds as if you are not really over him? You have to find the strenght to leave him in the past. All of the things that you mentioned can be fixed. Financial troubles can be healed over time and the Sheriff's department is probably just attempting to serve papers from a creditor. With time and improved living conditions, most courts would reconsider custody and allow you at least joint custody of your children.

In my opinion, you need to get up and get out of the house. You are probably not sleeping well beacuse you stay in your room all of the time. Exercise, be around people.

Your story, while hurtful and real to you, isn't so unusual. We all do things that don't make sense in hindsite. You sound like a very good and decent person who just made some wrong choices.

I am behind you and look forward to hearing good things from you in the near future.

Cary

March 12, 2007
10:16 am
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gracenotes
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(((careless))),

You sound like you have strength inside to do something today.

That's terrible what he did to you and how he seems to have conned everyone else into thinking it is your fault. He is the one who should be locked up for breaking your jaw. Did you ever file charges for his breaking of your jaw? And you can certainly go to the Sheriff's Department and find out about getting a restraining order on him if he is not leaving you alone. Any step you can do to feel like you have some kind of control over this situation would help with your anxiety. You are not powerless!!

Your story is a very human story that many of us here can identify with. It is not shameful to me, you were really duped by this guy and he is continuing the play this game of making you the "bad guy" to justify all his bad and unlawful actions. Many of us have "been there", so you are among friends.

Take care! Today's a new day. This little town must have something going on to get you with some people.

March 12, 2007
12:01 pm
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careless1
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Well I made my first phone call. My car had been reported stolen due to a loan I had taken out on it because he had no job and I wasn't making enough to pay the bills. I was unable to keep up payments on it so now they are coming to pick it up and impound it until its paid back. I am so angry with myself. Once again he walks away free from responsibilty. I pay again. I am so tired of being a damn victim to worthless, manipulating pigs. Just when I thought I had lost all I could. I've now lost more.

March 12, 2007
3:25 pm
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careless1
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Well it's now 1:30pm and they just showed up to take my car. It feels like another piece of me gone, but another thing has been faced and I'm still here. It has to get better.

March 12, 2007
6:24 pm
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careless1
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It's now 4:30pm and I have done dishes, cleaned litter box, watched T.V but I am moving around and accepting what is happening without falling apart. For now anyway. I have no urges to talk to him and thats great.......

March 12, 2007
10:33 pm
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careless1
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It's now 8:30pm and the day turned out great. A man I had met about 3 weeks ago but didn't keep in contact with because I thought he wanted more than I could give contacted me today because he was just concerned and wondering what had happened to me. We began talking and all of a sudden I just began crying and it turns out he's a crisis coun. and just wants to be my friend. There are support groups around here and he's calling tomorrow morning to set an appointment to put me on some medication for depression and anxiety to help me along through all of this. Talk about a God send. Is this truly a sign because I believe it is.

March 12, 2007
10:46 pm
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southgoingzax
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careless - he sounds like he is just the friend you need. I am so glad you were able to reach out nd get some help. You will feel better, things will get better - good for you for hanging on.

zax

March 12, 2007
10:50 pm
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careless1
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Thanks zax, I feel pretty damn good right now. I don't know how long I'll hold on to the feeling but I'll enjoy it while it's here.

March 13, 2007
10:30 pm
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careless1
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I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I cried like a baby but it felt good to get it out. Today is his b-day and I'm sure he's out with his guy and girlfriends having a great time. I'm still ok thow.

March 14, 2007
11:57 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Careless1, I am rooting you on ! I step at a time....I know all about being in a man's fog and waking up in another world to find and cut my loses...You are not alone...Hope things get better ....I just know that doing i thing at a time even if I have to write it on paper (makes me feel more organized) you will get through this.....Your Friend, horsefly

March 14, 2007
12:10 pm
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gracenotes
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Careless! What a gift that you met this man who is a crisis counselor and you found out that there are meetings, and you went to one. Good for you! We are never truly alone, there is always help, and sometimes it comes in unexpected ways.

Sorry about the car. This kind of stuff is so unfair. In Calfornia, you can be responsible for ex's debts and it can ruin your credit. Maybe you need some legal help on this?

Take care, keep posting. Be thinking about you.

March 14, 2007
7:09 pm
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careless1
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Horsefly, Gracenotes

Your the best. I will never stop fighting. I have lost the battle but never the war. Those basterds have no idea who's coming out.

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