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I hate this
September 28, 2004
11:01 am
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Anonymous
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Ugh I hate this emotional rollercoaster. Why did he have to be that way? Why couldn't he stay the person I met and fell in love with? Why did he have to ruin it? I feel so betrayed. I thought having him confess his sins would be enough. I'm over Dr. Jekyll but I miss Mr. Hyde. I know its a pretend persona. But I loved that persona. And I'd like to think that persona loved me. I'm just so hurt still. And angry, betrayed, humiliated. I hate the idea of him being with other women. Why should it bother me now, its not like he didn't do it before. And yet I don't want to go back there. My new therapist looked at my chart and commented how much more together I seemed. That was this morning. Now I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. Was at work earlier and I just looked at him and wondered what the hell is wrong with you? Why? I hate him, and I hate myself for giving him one thought.

September 28, 2004
11:05 am
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Maggalisa - I am sorry you are going through all of this pain. I know that pain. He is not worth it, and don't give him that control on making you so upset. If he is out with other woman, why would you want that anyways? He does not respect you, and you don't know he may have cared for you in some way, but it isn't in the way you need to be cared about. He is a jerk, and until you care more for yourself than him, he will get you down and down and down, I wish you weren't so sad.

September 28, 2004
11:09 am
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Thanks A&S,
I'm trying to be positive. At least I don't want to jump into it with him again, thats a first. But it still hurts. He was supposed to be my friend. I think I just need time to myself and re-read my new webpage.

September 28, 2004
11:12 am
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Well I am a big supporter of time to yourself, the best ways to get through things are to be with yourself, and to just think, and to realize more about YOU, than him. And I think your Mr. Jack sounds like a very scary guy as well. You want to feel safe, and I don't think you do. You want to feel loved, and cared for, and he does not give you that, at least not all the time, half time love is not worth it.

September 28, 2004
11:21 am
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Anonymous
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I think you hit the jackpot A&S, your right, I DON'T feel safe at all. Today we went to the gym together like we used to, he's training me for the modeling competition I have coming up. (Great personal trainer and nutritionist... one thing he was good for! LOL) I just looked at him and remembered when we first dated, he's that person now. But I know it won't last. That's probably why I'm so sad. I don't want to take the chance of getting my hopes up. I feel sad for him as well, he won't change. I told him that this weekend as well, your 38, your still the same way as you always have been (was enlightened by some of his friends) and you probably won't, not in this lifetime. I won't hold my breath to say the least. It just makes me sad to think of the waste, because I know the "other" part of him. And I hate him for not warning me. Myself more for not paying attention. Its ok, I just need to grieve alittle. Last night I realized at least what I really want to do, and thats to write. I was too co-dep. with my family, they always expected something spectacular and safe but I decided I'm signing up for literature courses this january. Who cares about supporting themself as long as we're happy right?? LOL...

September 28, 2004
11:22 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks for writing, I feel better already. It's just going to take some time, I'm sure you can relate. Have you been in contact with your Mr. Jack? How are you feeling/dealing with things?

September 28, 2004
11:29 am
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I'm actually do quite well, I had that message from him this morning on how he cannot trust me because I do things like turn my phone off at night, and that is shady, well like I said, I will do what I want, and I fail to see how me wanting a good night sleep is shady. Besides that, I am alright, actually really good. I don't know must be an up day for me, that or I am just able to move away slowly each day, but it feels good. I feel freer.

September 28, 2004
1:01 pm
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I'm so glad to hear that. I'll admit I do feel that as well. Of course he thinks its shady that you turned your phone off, he knows what he's up to when he pulls that so he'll assume the same for you!!

September 28, 2004
1:03 pm
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Of course projection projection projection, and he does not like not being in control of knowing everything I'm doing, see I am suppose to sit and wait by the phone for him to call, and then when I don't I am up to something shady. Oh the joys of seeing the truth and not being under his control. It feels good, really good. So how are you doing now? I think that the hardest part is not realizing that you just want better, but doing it!. Of course I have the fear of failing and going back but I hope and pray that does not happen.

September 28, 2004
1:17 pm
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Hey check out the website I posted it under can't stop laughing. Its a very sarcastic take on narcissism, I think you'll identify... its helping me laugh at him at the very least, and at myself for being a silly woman at times.

September 28, 2004
1:50 pm
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SassyAlex
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maggalisa, your original post sounds like I wrote it. My ex was a Jeckyll and Hyde as well, and I have a lot of anger for falling for the nice guy when really inside he's very much a monster. I hate him as well.

My therapist said something to me last week that really clicked in my head. She said that I have to let go of the back and forth in my head about his actions. I couldn't control his actions, I can't control his actions now, the only thing I can control is what I do now.

As for turning off the phone, my ex used to be mad at me for that as well. I turn off my phone ringer when I sleep always so that I'm not disturbed. He wanted to be able to get ahold of me at all times of the night, no matter if I needed rest or not. And he wanted my phone on for purely selfish reasons. Screw them!

I don't know how you deal with seeing this guy. The only thing keeping me sane is my separation from this man.

Good luck to you!

September 28, 2004
2:09 pm
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songbird
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Magga,
Hi, Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I feel the same way. I hurt and actually miss him at times. Same thing Jekel/hyde. I miss Hyde too and he was my husband. He wasnt supposed to be the one to hurt me and the betrayal I feel is incredible. I cant even talk to him. I cant imagine how hard it is for you to see him. I miss mine, but cant imagine being with him either. Confusing huh? I guess this is part of the grief/mourning? Hang in there

songbird

September 28, 2004
2:55 pm
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stronger by the day
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I can too relate to all of you -- mine is my husband as well. The final straw was his fourth impaired driving charge which he answers to tomorrow. He has thrown away his home, his daughters, his freedom of a licence, his wife and possibly a well paying job and for what? He has been Jeckle/hyde for years -- I explain it as 80% sweet, caring man and 20% doesn't care about anything but him. I have been with the man for 22 years (since I was 16). It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I must regain my self respect and teach my daughters that men do not treat their wives this way. He says he doesn't want to lose me, cries and cries that he wants to come home but it's too late. He should have told me those things when I NEEDED to hear them. Keep your chin up -- you deserve better -- we all do. We deserve not to be treated this way any longer. The most important thing is to take care of YOU! Hang in there

stronger by the day

September 28, 2004
4:54 pm
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Hey everyone,

thanks again. This has been one heck of a day. I was writing in another thread earlier and I made a connection, it just came out when I was writing, its in Hey A&S how are you? I miss him yes, but I realize just how much I hate him. He betrayed me. I thought his confession of sleeping around 2-3 times a week would be enough, confessed it last Sun. But its sunk in. I've thrown up thinking about him sleeping with other women and then me, sometimes in the same day I'm sure now. I don't care he has a sex addiction. I was sexually abused when I was a child, almost raped at 17 and attacked and molested later on. Thats what I remember for now. Been in therapy for this about a year now, get this, because he pointed it out to me. He knew my past, my weaknesses, he exploited me, betrayed me, preyed on my sexuality. I thank my nose-dive in self-esteem to this, I don't care if it was built on quicksand, he was supposed to be my friend. My friends don't violate me. I feel so violated, I'm the dirty girl, the teenage slut, the side action all over again. I hate him so much for this. He violated me, and he knew. He was supposed to be my friend. I cried and opened up for the first time in my life to anyone it was him about what happened, not one other person knew about any of it. I'm that person again, I'm ashamed. I feel like s***, worthless, used. I'm not being a victim, this is how I feel, the self-loathing that follows. I'm not good enough to be anyones girlfriend. I'm stupid for not seeing it. But I shut off this past year because I couldn't face it, the pain. And now it hurts worse. I hate myself for allowing it to happen again. I don't even want revenge. I just want him out of my life. Forever. I want the strength to wrap this deal up and get out of the business. He can let it sink. I'm not saving him anymore. I'm so d*** angry. At him, the others, myself. How can someone be that sick? Is it really possible? He took the core of relationships and smashed it into a million pieces. How dare he. The worst, he'll do it again, to someone else.

September 28, 2004
6:18 pm
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Ok, I meditated...
Ovbiously have some unresolved trauma and anger to work through here... going to try to sleep. I called my therapist earlier, will see her in the A.M. she's going to help me deal with the next couple of days... this is just so hard right now. I want to be positive, its just hard to stay focused with everything going on in the business as well.

September 28, 2004
10:00 pm
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InPainZHT
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Maggalisa,

I understand how you feel.... I am very unfortunate in my situation that I have no "Mrs. Hyde" to cling to in order to keep a passionate anger going to help me distance myself from her. If her personae was fake, it was the only one I saw, because I was treated to nothing but kindness, sweetness and consideration all the way up until the very last day we dated.

Then, suddenly, on *that day* that I was dumped, it was like a whole new person. Not mean, not cruel, but just indifferent, cold... distant. Like she just flipped a switch mentally from "on" to "nuetral" or something. However, she hasn't been cruel, mean, etc...

It's just that the warm, loving, caring, very kind person vaporized, and the shell that remained went back to the wife-beating drug using child neglecting piece of filth... *snap*, just like that.

What a world, huh?

InPain

October 3, 2004
9:03 pm
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Hey InPain,
sorry I didn't respond, but I'm curious, does she have any diagnosis on mood disorders? Like borderline or manic-depressive? My Mr. Jack doesn't have any of those excuses unfortunately, he's just a good ol sociopath:)

October 3, 2004
9:39 pm
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Wow this thread really hits home.. ohhh my goodness!!!!

One question I have and wonder if any of you have it is.....

If they want to be with us so badly then why do they treat us like shit.

I can't remember the last time my husband gave me a compliment okay take that back it was Thanksgiving last year of course.. Once in a blue moon does he say something nice I don't even think it's once a week anymore. When we went to our first Marriage Counseling session I was able to admit my faults.. if I don't how can they help, I also said what bothers me about him but when they asked something poisitive about him I had no problem answering. I feel like a burden as I think we all have.. But I just don't understand, we are both angry all the time now. I don't feel any love at all.. Why would he want to make this work? Me well I am trying to get out. I can't do it anymore. I even called my boys dad today and told him he needs to get it together I need him to keep the boys for awhile I am so close to going over the edge. But question is why do they beg to keep us then when they have us treat us like shit. If we make them that unhappy and miserable why do they beg for us to come back? Why don't they just let go... I personally am tired of carrying the burden of his unhappiness. Time to put that money on his back..

Gosh hope that didn't sound nuts. You all just sound like we have much in common and wondered if any of you wondered that too and if you have an answer??

Much love

October 3, 2004
10:38 pm
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sdesigns
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Smiles: That doesn't sound nuts- its right on target as far as I am concerned. For some reason certain people need to have emotional punching bags around them and for whatever reasons, we elected ourselves to be just that. For awhile. And then it get old and too much to handle. That's when its time to TRY to get happy again. SD

October 5, 2004
5:58 pm
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Hey smiles,
I think SD is right, and I would like to add that I know my Mr. Jack goes through personal hell everyday because he hates himself so much. They don't know any other situation than misery, I know that much truth from his childhood to see that. But it doesn't make it right. And as much as I hate admitting it, there was something sick in me that attracted a guy like him. So it really does begin with the self. When I realized this I felt much better. He didn't cheat on me because I wasn't enough... more like no one will ever be enough, its about him. Its a start at least to getting better I think:)

October 10, 2004
1:47 pm
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bangles
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I think it is about self-hate and you are just the object of release. Venting at you makes him feel better for the time being. What he is reallly unhappy about is himself and probably that he is not or cannot make you happy. That probably just adds to his misery and anger. Bangles

October 10, 2004
10:27 pm
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It is also about him creating his own world of drama and pain in my case. Building me up after breaking me down, a big control thing. And thats how the cycle went. Round and round. i'm out now, i'm sick I miss the good him. i can't let myself see him again.

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