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I hate my child
June 19, 2008
12:08 pm
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Me17
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In Febuary my daughter set a fire in my home. She is 17 she set the fire while me and my other children were sleeping she started with paper, a lit cigarette, and a lighter. After starting the fire she went back to bed.

She and I were trapped in the back end of the house with our dog. (of 8 years) He pushed at us barking at the fire with his last breath. Nobody came to save us for what seemed like forever. I remember hearing her say "Mommy I can't breathe" So I began beating out the bedroom window with my fist. I got us out. We lost just about everything we own that day! I had to have surgery on my arm, it was cut to the bone from the glass.

For the next week she blamed my other two children. I believed her. After all her and I were the ones trapped. Everyday she reminded me that I didn't do enough to save her dog! Everyday she told me how she lost all her things. Everyday she reminded me that I was afraid and didn't do enough.

Well because the fire was so bad and I was so badly injured they ordered lie detectors exams on the children. 9 days later I found out who started the fire.

So here is my problem... I hate her for what she's done. Even now she has the nerve to be angry with me becuse I am angry. I am consumed with anger. The more my feelings come to the surface, the more I hate myself for the way I feel. I know I have the right to be angry, but 17 yrs ago I gave birth to this amazing little girl that I had all these dreams for. Those dreams are gone, part of feels like she died in that fire, and part of me whishes she had!

I'm lost and I can not share my feelings with anyone I know. I am a good person normally and these thoughts are so evil. I am deathly afraid of my family and friends truly knowing how I feel. How can you forgive or even love a person who almost killed you. How do I get my head around this enough to live again, I am so lost and I feel like I must be the worst mother in the world for my child to be so angry she could do something so wrong!

advise needed!

June 19, 2008
12:11 pm
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DorisDay
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Oh Me17. I have no idea what to say to you.

had your daughter exhibited problems prior to this? Has she been evaulated by a doctor? I am so so terribly sorry. What a horrible story.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

June 19, 2008
12:14 pm
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lollipop3
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((((Me17))))

I'm afraid I don't have much to give here in the way of advice other than to say, please don't beat yourself up for being human.

You have my support.

Take care,
Lolli

June 19, 2008
12:22 pm
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Giggles_29
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(((((Me17)))), I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now. I really don't know what to say, except keep posting. This site is a wonderful tool for venting and just releasing your feelings! I too was wondering if your daughter had any problems before this. I am truly sorry for your loss! @--]-------

June 19, 2008
12:24 pm
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alicenwonderland
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Dearest Mel,

My sincerest and deepest heartfelt sympathies for what you are going through.

I'm not an expert by far, but here is what I see in your story.

You are right. You do have every right to be angry and don't be surprised if that anger doesn't turn to sadness and feelings of guilt and loss. It is a normal part of the grieving process. Yes, you are grieving-for the loss of your home, your pet, and in this sense your daughter because she feel very lost from you at the moment. It doesn't make you a bad parent to have these feelings, but you are in charge of what you do about them. It sounds like your daughter needs you more than ever right now.

You don't have to condone what she did. In fact, I might even recommend removing her (or your other children) from the house while you sort this out. If she set fire to your home, then you are all in danger. I know this must be so hard because you love her and you hate her right now. What a complicated mess that must be for you emotionally.

I think for me my first question would be why? Why did your daughter do this? There has to be a deep underlying reason. In order to help this situation, I fear that finding out why she did this is the key to making it better. I think she may need some professional help (and some for you wouldn't be a bad idea either). You have went through a tragedy and from the sound of it, this is only the tip of the iceberg.

June 19, 2008
12:34 pm
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Me17
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My daughter is locked up right now in long term mental health treatment. She will be there for at least another 9 months.

I know I need to know why! Just that would help me heal. But she says she accidently forgot to put the cigarette out that she laid on paper, without thinking, by a lighter that she forgot to grab!!!!!!!!!!!! She won't admit what she's done.

Her diagnoses is Post Tramatic Stress (from the Fire) and Conduct disorder.

As for her and home! No matter what I can never allow her here my children are afraid of her. They have nightmares about her escaping and burning down the new house... Honestly I'm afraid her too!

Thanks for your thoughts and yor eyes (ears)
Me

June 19, 2008
3:43 pm
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soofoo
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It's understandable that you would have these feelings. What happened to you is awful. A horror.

Do you have a way to get some counseling for yourself and also your other children, to help you cope with what has happened?

My warm thoughts and hopes for recovery from this trauma and it's aftermath.

June 19, 2008
4:35 pm
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caraway
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Me17,

You aren't a bad person for being hurt and angry. The time away will do both of you a lot of good. I think what you are feeling (hate as you described) is a normal reaction to what has happend.

Take one day at a time...

Best,

Cary

June 19, 2008
9:20 pm
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Loralei
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Your daughter sounds seriously disturbed and very dangerous. Had she ever done anything else before that was evil? I would bet there was a pattern of behavior that everyone had turned a blind eye to. If she set the fire on purpose, then put her in the category of murderers because that is what almost happened to you and your family.

I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. But don't feel guilty about your feelings. It would be far worse if you just swept her behavior under the rug and pretended that she didn't do anything wrong. I don't see how you could possibly allow her back under your roof. She is old enough to have known better. Remember that. My heart goes out to you and your other children.

June 19, 2008
9:43 pm
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smarterone
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I am so sorry for your pain, i think i have problems and i read this and say, this is why i keep coming back here.
Your feelings are normal a}your a mother, her mother b} you have other children, which this affected and will continue to affect
c)guilt cuz you know she is not in right state of mind d)feeling helpless.
I will hold you in my prayers.

June 19, 2008
11:15 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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You are so brave to be able to continue on like you have been doing. I am so glad your daughter is getting the treatment you need and that you are strong enough to make the tough decision. Please be good to yourself and take it slow. There' nothing wrong with anger. concentrate yourself and your other children.

June 19, 2008
11:46 pm
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Martyn
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Treatment is the best place for her....so take this time to get counseling for yourself. Educate yourself and see if you can find the seeds in the past that may have launched the family into this dysfunctional nightmare. I think that it is probably normal for you to have the feelings that you do....but you also have to realize that your daughter is in a lot of pain. None of you can fix anything....without help. Professional help.
GOD BLESS YOU!

June 20, 2008
12:29 am
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free
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I don't know if this is any comfort, but I would hate her too.

I'd be broken hearted that this little girl I cared for in infancy, took to kindergarten, all those first precious memories, did something like this.

I'd want to go back and start over and agonize over the fact that I can't. I'd obsess with trying to find out where I went wrong.

I'd feel cheated. I'd feel betrayed.

I'd feel confused.

Supposedly as parents we have unconditional love for our children.

I'd want to love her but I don't think I could. I'd want to grab hold of the times when I did love her and become consumed in the feelings of hatred and anger.

She's got a mental disorder. She's not thinking like you or I or anybody in a fairly decent frame of mind.

I think what I would do, is focus on my two other kids. Try to bring balance to the home. Try to make them feel safe.

She didn't kill any of you, but she still can, psychologically, and I think I'd focus on not letting that happen.

I wonder what's going through her mind.

(((Me17)))

June 20, 2008
11:32 am
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fantas
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((((Me17))) I'm so sorry about what your daughter did. I can't even imagine what you as her mother must be going through. I'm also glad that she is in professional care right now. I too was wondering if this was a single one time incident or if she had done things like this before? Do you think she was trying to hurt you and her siblings or was it truly and accident?

I too would be upset,angry,sad, and very confused if my child did such a thing to me and her siblings, regardless of the reason she chose to do so. I do not think that this is a question of loving or not loving your child. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't be so heartbroken. Clearly, you do love her and you are immensely shocked, upset, hurt, disillusioned by what she has done, and who wouldn't be? Love is not a feeling and I believe it doesn't come and go based on circumstances.

Be gentle with yourself, feel the feelings without questioning or judging them for as long as they are coming, they are after all just feelings and they pass. You need all your strength and positive thoughts for all your children and yourself. There is no excuse for what your daughter did. Any 17 year old knows better than that unless they are mentally unstable. Allow her to deal with consequences without taking it on. Her behavior, in my opinion, is no indication of the kind of mother you are. Just like our parents abuse of us is no indication of the kinds of children we were. After a certain age, we are fully responsible for our own behaviors.

Hang in there! Keep posting.

June 23, 2008
1:34 pm
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ndlv2
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(((me17))) is it possible that your daughter was sexually abused, malested, or raped? If there are no prior acts of vengence then (and I am no professional) her "acting out" would be to get attention to end her life or yours and her siblings and if that be the case it has to be for an extreemly awfull reason! As stated above please do consider the reasons that sparked this she is still not able to admit it I understand that but something is going on deep inside of her and you will have to deal with her one way or another when she gets out better to deal with her while she is getting help than to ignore the problem until she gets out! That's my two cents for what it's worth. Good luck and take care of YOU!

June 23, 2008
8:09 pm
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Anonymous
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Me17, mothers sometimes just dont like their children but you, oh, you have a reason to hate your girl right now! You´re human. I hope you find out what is going on as you expressed its confusing. I did a translation of a paper on pyromaniacs, especially adolescents. Other than trying to get attention, one thing I remember them saying is that the person may do this to cover up for something worse or that s/he considers worse. While you work on cultivating all the patience you can muster at this difficult time, think about what is going on with your daughter´s carelessness for her own and others´ lives. Really sad and mad! Good thing you got the truth and she is taken care of for now. hugs and best wishes in your rebuilding your home, yourself, your family, your possessions. Hugs, sini

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