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I had an affair
May 30, 2006
6:39 pm
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Jasper
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I am in a lesbian relationship, So if that offends you please don't read.

Over a year ago my partner and I started having problems in the bedroom( i was not getting enough). We have discussed it several times and even tried meds for it. Ihave had anxiety problems for about the same time so the doc put me on meds. I resigned myself to the role of "fixing"
people over ten years ago. People would come in and out of my life and I thought God had given me this great gift to help people with their problems and to "fix" what ever needed fixed. Once they were better the relationship or friendship would end for what ever reason. I just knew in my heart that this woman was the one to end all that, until recently. Almost all of her problems are gone and I felt (and still do) unneeded. I became attracted to another woman that needed fixed and went so far as to kiss her. After about a month of my girlfriend knowing something was eating at me and me feeling so guilty about it, I broke down and told her. We are now in counseling and I have now found out that I don't have a special gift. I am a type of Codependent. I am trying to get better but I always thought I knew what my purpose in life is. No I am just sick and have to discover another purpose. I feel so worthless at the moment because I can't allow myself to behappy. My girlfriend is in the garage writing a letter to me to tell me what she wants from me and in what ways she needs me. I love her but I have to learn to love her for different reasons other than fixing her problems. Therapy has also brought out how much I dislike my mother.She was the heavy of the family and my father was the yes man. Therapy says this could explain why none of the kids relationships have worked. I(we)are fighting two battles at once and it feels really hopeless. I don't want to lose this woman but I don't want her to hurt another second either. I feel like the therapy isn't working quick enough and I am losing her and losing myself. Jasper

May 30, 2006
11:52 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Therapy takes time sweetheart. You cant rush the healing process. Have you read the book Co dependant no more I have heard its a great one and it might help.

May 31, 2006
12:19 am
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Anonymous
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Jasper,

I urge you to keep struggling away. It sounds like you know what you want, what some of the problems are, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

I encourage you to keep going. There's hope ahead.

May 31, 2006
2:14 am
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smarterone
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Therapy is not a quick fix, it took us a lifetime to be what we are and it will take awhile to understand how we got this way and what to do about it. Try to be patient and keep in the back of your mind that you are doing the best you can right now. Goodluck

June 1, 2006
7:50 pm
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Jasper
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Thank you for all the kind words. I have purchased Ms. Beattie's book and am reading it. Sometimes I have to put it down because it makes me angry. It makes me feel like she is looking into my mind and has watched every move I have made in my life. I also purchased a daily devotion book by her and that helps too. I know that recovery from anything either physical or mental is slow but at least I have found this board to help on the hard days. Thanks to all.

Jasper

June 2, 2006
8:24 am
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Juanita
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Just a thought of mine....

One kiss does not make an affair. It makes AN incident, A slip up, A warning -perhaps- that an affair could occur.

Please do not be so hard on yourself & call it an affair.

I am married and within the last six months received & partook in a very passionate kiss with a male friend of mine. My spouse & I were having problems, have had for a while. This kiss occured a little after the holidays & you may think it shameful of me, but I enjoyed it. It reminded me of all that I was missing in my marriage. My spouse knows it happened. It was a one time thing. My spouse & I are in counseling trying to work on things. I consider the kiss a very pleasant memory that brought me to my senses of what I had given up, forgotten, & lost over the years.

One kiss does not make an affair.
It makes a memory, a thought, a consideration of things to work on & improve.

Again, do not be so hard on yourself. Use that kiss as a motivator to improve what is lacking in your current relationship.

Juanita

June 3, 2006
5:21 pm
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4me
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Jasper--

I, too, am a lesbian and recently ended a long relationship. I also feel the need to take care of everything and everyone. I don't know what to do when someone doesn't 'need' something from me or doesn't need for me to take care of something. I decided it was finally time to take care of myself...

I started therapy, I read co-dependent no more, I read my daily affirmation book, and I am determined to 'be alone' and work on myself until I can offer someone unconditional love...believe me, it's so extremely painful to part from people you love, but sometimes it's the only way to work on yourself. I don't know how long it'll take and how much more painful it can be, but the truth is that resolving codependency and other issues is a long, painful process.

I do think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...and every day I have to focus on that.

Good luck...

June 3, 2006
5:33 pm
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Worried_Dad
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I don't know if I would call that an "affair" either. More like a momentary indiscretion.

Look, you have already gained some things from all this. You have learned that you really love and value your relationship with your GF. That's good.

And you have also learned that you can't base a relationship on your desire to "fix" someone. That's very good.

June 4, 2006
2:41 am
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free2choose
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Jasper,

Hey! Wow, it's great to have another FAMILY member around!!! As for the people on this site being homophobic, I have never recieved anything but welcome, so you can put down your guard. We are all friends here, and WELCOME! 😛

I too have been in highly codependent relationships, and I still often struggle with those issues in the relationship I am in today, although this one is better than any ever before, thanks to lots of therapy (both individual and couples) and really hard work.

I understand wanting the results NOW, like yesterday!!! Just know that you have to be patient. It really helps me to remember that RECOVERY is a journey, not a destination!! I promise, just when you think you have it licked, something else will pop up, so just know that it is a process that does not happen over night.

The good news is that you recognize there is a problem, and that you have acknowledged it, and taken steps to do something about it BEFORE the complete demise of your relationship!!! You can not fix a problem if you don't know it is there, and now, YOU KNOW, so you can start to work on it!!! YEAHHHH!!! That is GOOD!!!

If you love this woman, if you truly believe in your heart that you want to work it out with her, then you WILL!!! It is all about how much you are willing to give, to work, to grow, to compromise, to communicate. If you are honest with yourself and with your partner, which it sounds as if you are, it will be OK.

Whatever happens is supposed to happen, Jas. Just go with the flow, do the work, keep reaching out, and you will be OK!

WELCOME to this site, I truly hope you stick around awhile!!! Good luck...I wish you loads of patience, tolerance and stregnth on the journey ahead. Keep reminding yourself that now that you know what the problem is, you are truly better off, because you can get better!!!

Oh...and your girlfriend still needs you. She may not need you to *Fix* her, but there is still a need. Try being just the best partner you can be! Try being her EQUAL, her confidant, her PARTNER... rather than her savior. I think you will find that you still feel needed, just in a different and more healthy light. I know I did.

Good luck in your life and your love. Thoughts, prayers and well wishes!!

Erica

Free2Choose

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