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I had a rage slip last night
December 6, 2003
11:17 am
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HARRYO
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Hey guys. Last night my daughter and her
boyfriend came over for dinner and I
went off. It started when i gave my ex
wife credit for doing something for me,
and I mistook my daughters comments to
me that I don't give her enough credit.
Anyway I started to vent on what a crummy
deal I got from her.
Everybody's trying to get me off my pity pot
about getting dumped by the woman that
I fell head over heals in love with.
Then I started on her boyfriend and what a loser he is and how he isn't good enough for
her. He wanted to fight me. Can you blame
him?
I finally calmed down and apologized.
After much hugging and crying. She is
23 years old and that's the first time
she has seen me cry. I tried to tell
them how bad I hurt and I didn't mean to
take it out on them, but somehow I lost
my composure because I am so hurt and
humiliated by being rejected by the
woman that I was hopelessly and toxically
in love with.
I felt like the "incredible Hulk". You
know, there I am a decent guy then I turn
in to this "monster" and I can't do anything about it. Then I come to and I'm
that same decent guy again.
Don't worry this is only about the third
time I showed her the rageaholic side of
me, The last time being about seven
years ago. My eighteen year old has
only seen it once Trying not to beat
myself up.
My daughter's boyfriend is a good
guy even though he only make $11/hr and
pays $165/week child support.
He has this inner strength and happiness
which my daughter feeds off. I am
envious that their relationship is
emotionally stable.

December 6, 2003
11:52 am
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mj
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Harryo...Hugs.
It takes courage to become aware of how we act and react. I isn't easy dealing with our emotional pain with our kids no matter how old they have become. Glad that you are talking about it here.

December 6, 2003
12:00 pm
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HARRYO
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MJ Thanks. Since it is almost
the anniversary of the tragic
death of Sam Cooke. Let me
post the lyrics to the song
"A Change Gonna Come" originally
a Cival Rights song.

I was born by the river
In a little tent
And just like the river
I've been running ever since

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change gonna come
Oh, yes it is

It's been too hard living
But I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there beyond the sky

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change gonna come
Oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees

There's been times that I thought
I wouldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come
Oh, yes it will

December 6, 2003
12:04 pm
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mj
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Sometimes when we can't find the words to express what we are feeling....lyrics can help us express them as well.

December 6, 2003
12:13 pm
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HARRYO
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mj, Otis Redding died the same day
taht Sam Cooke only 3 years later.
I hear this one in my head a lot.

Pain In My Heart

Pain in my heart
Is treating me cold
Where can my baby be
Lord no one knows

Pain in my heart
Just won't let me sleep
Where can my baby be
Lord where can she be

And now the days
Has begin to get tough
I say I want you to come back, come back,
Come back baby,
I had enough
Ohh

A little pain in my heart
Just won't let me be
Wake up restless nights
Lord and I can't even sleep.

Mmm, mmm yeah
Stop this little pain in my heart

And now the days
Has begin to get rough
I say I want you to love me, love me,
Love me baby till I get enough

Ohh

Pain in my heart
Little pain in my heart
Stop this little pain in my heart
Stop this little pain in my heart

Someone stop this pain
Someone stop this pain

Ohh

December 6, 2003
1:04 pm
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unhappy camper
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Harry
Hey....you are human. That's all we can be.

I think that because men don't like to discuss things as openly as they could, things bottle up.

I predict you will be hurting for some time to come, but each time less and less. All wounds heal. Stop putting salt from your tears in it....when you can...and it will slowly mend.

You are saying to this woman: I welcome you to be my higher power and to torment me. Please, hurt me as much as you can because you are a better person than me. You have no faults whatsoever, but I have many. I am not worthy. I will always be at your mercy. Please ruin my life forever and ever. I deserve to suffer endlessly, and I quite enjoy it. I don't want to stop feeling the pain you are giving me, because it at least connects us.

If we were not connected, then I'd have to look within to see what I am made of as a person. I would have to examine Harry and evaluate him. I might even find some pretty damned good characteristics there. I wonder what I would do with those?

Maybe I'd have to start thinking about how I can make one day be truly happy on my own, without the connection to my tormentor. I could imagine that she moved to the other side of the world. (She has moved on.) Then each day must be filled with activities and thoughts not centered on her.

You have a family, community, work, etc. You would then have a challenge. You would need to go hunting/fishing. You would be shopping for a new friend. Like finding good fruit at the supermarket, you pick them up, feel them, smell them, etc. (Don't do that with women LOL). You judge them and pick ones that seem best suited.

You spend time exploring each other and see what commonalities you have. You see how major the difference are.

You may even want to have fruit salad for a while (dating around).

You are entitled to happiness. Your "true love" is not perfect. You have given her that attribute. I'm sure she doesn't even want it.

Will Harry dare to shop around and compare her to others. Can you engage another fine women in conversation, dinner, movie, dancing? Can you see other women can enjoy you? They can't "make you happy"...that is YOUR job.

Just some thoughts....probably not well said, but I hope you get the gist of it.

December 6, 2003
1:16 pm
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HARRYO
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Hi UC Thanks. She has moved on.
I haven't. I'll harken back to the metaphor that I posted yesterday.

I remember I had an industrial accident a little over ten years ago. I nearly was electricuted by putting my hand in an open 440 volt circuit. Fortuneately the conditions weren't right to kill me. If the path of the electricity would have been conducted through my heart, I would have died. Instead I lost control of my muscles for a few seconds they call it the "let go" stage where you can't let go of what you have grabbed on to. When I did let go it threw me across the room. The most terrifying 5 or 6 seconds of my life.

If I keep letting this uncontrollable
hurtful energy take a path through
my heart I will die. If I let
it go, then I can become healthy
again

December 6, 2003
1:23 pm
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unhappy camper
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Not "if", but "when".

🙂

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