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I had a great time tonight... and probably farewell.... thank you
January 14, 2007
12:37 am
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arlea
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It was great, my wife's two sons came with us tonight (or should I say we went with them) to a concert in Philly. It was Rain which is a Beatles tribute band. Her kids are great beatles fans and it was awesome. I used to go to theatre alot in Canada but mostly (yawn) opera....lol but I do like it. I'm very pleased we had a great time....

I've also been thinking about this group and I have to face it.... I don't belong here. For several reasons, primarily I am a male.... sexist...lol or reverse discrimation. I try to be as honest as I can as some of you may take offence to this. As a male I have tried to open up and have discussions as a male in what appears to be a female group and found that this group is quite closed ie female only. How do I say this.......

As this is my propably last post I guess I should say what I feel...

When I found this group I thought great a place where I can share my feelings and have some feedback as to how "PEOPLE interact"...not so...I find you all closed to males... female fellings only accepted. As a child I was terribly abused both physically and mentally. I went through days where I was not allowed to go to school as a child because I was so beaten that the school would not allow me to go. As for the police well they would not allow me to go either as it might upset some of the other kids.. and believe me I would have gone. My father was a respected member of society... a fuckin cab driver who knew all the police. I read all these posts and maybe it is the female mind vs the male mind I don't know but hell when some one tells me they are beat at home and what should they do...... GET the HELL out but what I hear is PC chit. DO MEN and WOMEN really feel so far differently!!!!

This is supposed to be a board of honesty of emotion and I find more game playing and seeking approval from board members than I would ever expect from anyone... is this help!!! Let's call a spade a spade and wake up.

I really wanted help, I really wanted to share the male vs female mind and as an educated person with problems thought that maybe just maybe I had something to offer!..Believe me after monitoring this board if anything I find that heck I am not really a bad guy... yep I have my faults but I really try to listen to others...

Not all men are bad,,, yep we have our faults and contrary to this group some of us would like to get better. sorry for the interuption and I would like to return you to your own problems as us men have none........

later

p.s.
I know in the morning I am going to regret having hit the submit thread button but this is how i feel right now......Honest... your dammed right

January 14, 2007
12:44 am
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cammyjo
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hey arlea

love your honesty man.

January 14, 2007
1:35 am
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bevdee
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Hi Arlea

Thanks for expressing your feelings so honestly.

I agree that this is mostly a female forum, but there are some men around, too.

I used to discount men's feelings, and it wasn't until a discussion here on these boards a few months ago that I realised I did it. Because of the abuse I had suffered at one man's hands, and the hurt I had suffered from a couple of others, it had colored my perceptions.

So, I guess that made ME a sexist. I understand your feelings.

Have you checked out the other side? There are some conversations there that are different than some on the support side.

January 14, 2007
2:06 am
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bevdee
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"I read all these posts and maybe it is the female mind vs the male mind I don't know but hell when some one tells me they are beat at home and what should they do...... GET the HELL out......"

Yes, it is hard to understand, when you are not small, helpless, possibly broke, and have young children to consider.

If you are interested, there was a thread that Lolli started titled Lolli needs help...., and if you type that in the search, you should be able to read the responses the ladies here made regarding their reasons for staying.

Talk to you later maybe.

January 14, 2007
2:18 am
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briss
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arlea

What I hear is a whole lot of anger.
I am new to this group and yes I am female but I don't even think about what sex any of the contributors are. Compassion and understanding are welcomed from anyone as far as I am concerned.

Most situations apply to both sexes. Childhood abuse, dysfunctional relationships, loss of love and so on. I hate to think that we would lose a male perspective on all of this. Both sexes are important to get balance on everything in this world.

Please don't leave. Your passion shows me you have alot to offer.

Briss

January 14, 2007
4:58 am
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alycia
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I have been on this site for more than a year, there r a few men, santino would have to be the classic one, worried dad, single beach dad.... thats all i can think of for now and personally i welcome male input for a change and even find santino hilarious....

It really has a great bunch of people and although i have been here that amount of time off and on i do not have any great bonds with people seeing its been more off than on....

If you change your mind, give it a chance.... it truly is an inspiring site and i have never come across so many giving people and u end up that way yourself....

You take take and take all the answers u need to help with your broken heart and then when u are on the road upwards you change and offer support....

Dont take things to heart, u come to learn that in life and on this site...

Maybe on here u struck the wrong women or woman, maybe they were having a rough day... I cannot stress more what a great bunch of people are on here.... you will see if u give it a chance........

January 14, 2007
6:21 am
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triciaisok
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arlea

I am new to this thread and I appreciate your honesty.

I do not want to be a male basher and
I do know it is easy to go there for many women. Part of it for all of us is the greiving process. Shock, hurt, anger...and finally acceptance.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can.

I beleive that what I learned in my twelve step group is that unless you address the spiritual malady you will stay stuck in unhealthy patterns. 1. My life is unmanageble
2.a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (we all have insanity in our lives in some ways until we are open and willing and honest to change)

Good luck and thanks for your honesty
hope to hear your feedback. It would benifit if you'd be willing to stay on.

January 14, 2007
8:09 am
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Zinnie
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Hi arlea,

Well, here is hoping your post is nothing more than drunken anger, as it sounds that yes, you do have much to contribute.

In answer to your question, no, men and women do NOT feel that differently - in my opinion. In my opinion, if you are being hit, or abused in any shape or form (emotionally, verbally, mentally - whatever) - get the hell out. But... that is me.

I hope that you will decide to stay, for one to help work through some obvious anger, but two because as a human being you have a lot to offer.

Z.

January 14, 2007
8:52 am
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Anonymous
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arlea,

Just to let you know, I 'd like it if you stayed...we need someone to hold that male energy in the group.

We all have issues and some of us have issues about men...including other men.

Anyway, I know that sometimes if I think a woman has doled out some ridiculous advice...I don't want to bring it up especially if it isn't a really big deal. If I feel like it could be harmful to the person then yes I will say something.

But, if a guy says something I will be more likely to say something back to him.

Why? I guess I feel like he isn't as sensitive as the woman who might be really hurt if I try to debate what she has said.

Maybe, it is my up bringing...my dad can debate anyone to the ground. You really feel like you are on trial in a court room if he disagrees with you.

I am never really worried about hurting his feelings because he seems bulletproof and I am so busy trying to defend myself and my thoughts and feelings.

I don't know. If you aren't so fed up then maybe if you come back, you can simply ask...are you responding to me like that because I am a guy?

You might really help all the ladies work out their men issues if you stay and hold that male energy.

January 14, 2007
10:28 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Arlea' Believe or not some of my best friends have been men. My brother is a kind soul too. But when it come to intimate relationships I am draw to the wrong type for me. My brother is also drawn to the wrong type for him too. What I mean by wrong type not emotionally there for me or just abusive an different ways . There are alot of women here but from what I have read most very intelligent. Give it a chance maybe you will see you can relate horsefly

January 14, 2007
1:50 pm
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Matteo
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arlea ~ I would have no idea that you are a male, if you wouldn’t say so. My response to you would be same as to any other poster, regardless of their gender. I am a poster here as well, so please spare the generalizing; if there is any male bashing going on here, perhaps it's because there is more abuse inflicted by males out there? Which is just maybe an indication of other factors, such as the power difference in the society, not necessarily the differences in psychological make up of males and females?

Perhaps it would be helpful to you if you analyzed what and why makes you, as you've said, sexist. This forum is about ourselves, not the others. Look into your own issues instead of pinpointing what bothers you with other posters; only then this site will be useful to you.

January 14, 2007
1:59 pm
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loverbee
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arlea-I am going to speak frankly. I have always been the type of girl that doesn't get along with other girls. I mostly have the mindset of a guy and therefore almost all of my friends except two are girls. My ex who is also my best friend says that it is hard because of all of his friends girlfriends, his friends look at me as one of them not one of their friends girlfriends. So I know what it is like to be in the minority as a gender. So I am going to say that if you are feeling like you are being treated in a sexist way, say something. Right then and there. don't wait for it to build just spew it. And I don't care if you are a male as long as you don't care.;)

January 14, 2007
3:55 pm
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healintime
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Arlea, everyone,

This thread is just about the most interesting thing that I have read since I found the boards.

Most of the posters on this site are women. I don't know why - but I do know that I read every post as a post from an individual - in one case it took me some time to cotton on that the poster was a gay male. And that didn't make a bit of differemce - because crazymaking, and abusive behavior are crazymaking and abusive behavior whether your partner is male, female, pink, blue or green. Ditto codependent behavior and the long, hard, road to making changes.

Arlea, do you know that this is the first post I have -ever- read that makes a sweeping generalization about the opposite sex? Seriously. I've read posts that say "that's typical behavior for an abuser" or "all narcissists are..." but not, ever, "all men are evil - down with men."

By contrast, you seem to me to be implying that "the women" on this site are anti-male. And this:

"I really wanted to share the male vs female mind and as an educated person with problems thought that maybe just maybe I had something to offer!"

Strikes me as kind of condescending - and also... sexist. Are you saying that you have something to offer because you're male? educated? I'm sure you have lots to offer but i don't think that it's because of either of those factors.

I think every codependent on this site has something to offer, regardless of gender. Whether they're a cleaner, a nurse, a college professor or a stay at home Mom, or Dad. I'm also not here seeking a "male perspective" per se - I don't think there is such a thing. I don't think there's a "female perspective" either - as the dozens of different opinions and, yes, the occasional disagreements, on the site all attest to. There are as many different opinions as there are people on the threads.

You made what seems to be an angry, sexist post here. It is the first time I have ever seen your name on the threads. You then got a number of responses from women who have thoughtfully looked at whether they're "male bashing" and who have committed to being careful in future. They've also been extremely supportive, understanding and shown genuine care for your well being by asking taht you stay and try to work on that anger.

And that is what I've come to expect from thsi site. I'm just sorry that you had to lash out in a sexist way to get those responses. Had you posted about your codependency and asked for help - you would have got the same responses. As a woman, I find your comments out of line. But I'm not here as "a woman" I'm here as a codependent. And as a codep. I'm sorry for the pain that made you lash out this way - and I hope that you manage to post more about your childhood, how those
years have affected you, and that you make good use of the wealth of suuport that's on this site from people who can relate to those experiences and are willing to help.

H.

January 14, 2007
4:51 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Why not stay and give us share these male feelings. Part of how this forum has helped me is seeing others' insights into themselves and their problems.

January 14, 2007
5:16 pm
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turnabout
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arlea,

I've never seen any of your posts either, so I have no idea what you are defending yourself (and the "male perspective") against, but this thread is definitly defensive. I don't know what specifically has made you feel attacked or dismissed in your unique perspective, but I do know that we often feel that way when something in us is "triggered". I wonder what is being triggered in you?

And the truth about people staying in abusive situations is that a person allowing themselves to stay in a situation where they are being abused was already broken in spirit by the time the first abuse occurred. It takes a lot of work in recognizing the spirit has been broken and in then building it back up before they can know HOW to leave. Gender has nothing to do with it.

I wonder, since you've made your conclusions about this board and not fitting in here, if you want to understand nearly as much as you want to be understood. In order for this board to work for you, or any poster, you have to recognize it works both ways.

turn

January 14, 2007
5:36 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Check out thread fear and domestic violence ..Jan 13... Something is not adding up here ..horsefly

January 14, 2007
5:37 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Check out thread fear and domestic violence ..Jan 13... Something is not adding up here ..horsefly

January 14, 2007
6:06 pm
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bevdee
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Horsefly

What doesn't add up, honey?

January 14, 2007
6:10 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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my name is horsefly not honey for one thing.

January 14, 2007
6:14 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Sorry BeEvee I didn"t mean that It is just that This guy hasn't responded toanthing and how many names does he have horsefly

January 14, 2007
6:15 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Bevdee I didn't mean to spell your name wrong. horsefly

January 14, 2007
6:24 pm
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healintime
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Hi guys,

Can't get this thread out of the back of my mind this morning. I don't think I was clear in my post before when I said it was an interesting post/thread.

My point is that I haven't seen sexism on the boards (honestly - I know that most posters involved in emotionally/physically abusive relationships are with a male partner or spouse but i've seen exactly zero generalizations about this). Then.. there's an overtly sexist post - and as a "group of women," overwhelmingly the response has been... support and understanding. LOL.

I'm wondering whether a female who had told a predominantly male site that all she saw was misogynists and as an "educated woman" she had thought she had something to offer would have been given the same response.

That, I guess, was my point.

H.

January 14, 2007
6:30 pm
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mj
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Arlea, I just want to say that when you posted our SC's private information on the thread about contributions, I didn't want to post to you anymore.

January 14, 2007
6:30 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Well I know this post is out of my mind for good. Thanks for responding.horsefly

January 14, 2007
6:38 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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should I say lol whatever that means.horsefly

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