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I got triggered
March 9, 2008
3:27 pm
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through_the_fire
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Recently I posted on here about how I had a b/f after my Narcissist ex who suddenly said he needed time to decide between me and his ex. I broke up with him, telling him never to contact me, and I maintained NC despite an emergency appendectomy immediately following the break up.

Sounds so triumphant, right? It is cool. But then the other night I'm looking him up on the internet and finding out he opened up a store recently-- with that ex he got back to together with (at least I think so). I was pleased to see he hasn't aged well (I know trivial, but...). Anyway, this guy wasn't so cool in our conversations about needing a week to decide, implying there was some physical inadequacy in me, etc. It was really messed up and abusive.

So it's been hurting me all over again and spilling over into my relationship with my husband. Not badly, but I'm suspicious and having talks questioning whether he's really satisfied with me physically and in bed. The guy has had a lot to contend with, and he just keeps talking to me, reassuring me.

I tell you it's all right there under the surface. Here I was posting a success story-- and it was-- I blew the creep off; but I internalized the creep's words and attitude. Here I am tall, long legged, cute, but don't have big boobs...and all I'm thinking is how this guy switched on me: "you're so beautiful" to "did guys ever complain about your small breasts?"

Yes, he went there. And I realize since my mom used to have me do special bust growing exercises (I kid you not), that this issue has gone back quite aways.

I know that I deserve better-- and I think my husband is a pretty good guy; but it's so hard to trust and more-- to feel really accepting of myself and secure.

How do you get there?

Fire

March 9, 2008
3:40 pm
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through_the_fire
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I just wanted to say-- I don't think I'm all that, just because I listed tall and all that-- I guess I felt defensive about the subject. Like you guys would think: oh Fire must not be very cute!

Hey! I'm not paranoid! I just think everybody's against me! :-))))) (laughing)

Fire

March 9, 2008
3:54 pm
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Celtic1
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((((through))))

If your husband dosen't have a problem with the size of your breasts then what does it matter.

Old saying (from old person) "more than a mouthful is a waste." I don't believe i just said that!!! (my evil twin must have taken over posting for a moment)

I'm sure you are beautiful and sexy inside and out.

Celtic ;0)

March 9, 2008
4:08 pm
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marypoppins
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(((Fire)))

Some guys can be such pigs. My breasts are very big and heavy, so with up and down weight loss, time, and physics, the girls aren't very perky. My stbxxh has made a few very hurtful remarks about my breasts, and I should have dumped him after the first remark. If he hadn't lavished so much attention on them back when we had a good sex life, I might have taken those remarks more seriously.

There are those men who get their self esteem from having what they believe is the perfect woman. That's their issue, though. They can walk around with a receding hair line, a pot belly, and a pencil dick and still rate women on the 1-10 scale. They don't even see the hypocrisy.

Don't look at web sites. That has to be part of the NC package. Do what you need to to make yourself stronger. Your husband can reassure to a point, but the rest is up to you.

Good luck.

Mary

March 9, 2008
4:10 pm
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through_the_fire
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Thanks, Celtic....I like your evil twin! ;-)))

I guess if he did have a problem, what kind of guy would he be? He'd be somebody else. And I guess since I grew up with Sybil (aka Mom) I expect some pretty screwed up, betraying behavior (ooo have tears now), He's not perfect, he's a guy, after all. But he sure is loving. It's hard for me to take that in sometimes (I know-- that's a good complaint to have),

Fire

March 9, 2008
5:48 pm
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_anonymous
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Through- It sounds like this man had to justify why he went back to his X. It had nothing to do with you physically.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Your husband should not have to pay for a crime he did not commit.

Mentally you do need to end this stuff with your X so that you can have a healthy relationship with your husband.

Maybe you were attracted to your X cause he reminded you of your mom.

Your X is not your mom, your mom is not your X and your husband is neither.

It sounds like you have a low self esteem and you play tapes in your mind that encourage it.

Change the channel and tune into the positive things that your husband says and does for you.

Take the picture that your X painted of you and tear it up.

Human beings are not body parts. They are whole.

March 9, 2008
6:06 pm
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through_the_fire
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DestinyStar,

Thanks for posting... This guy is a minor ex-- not anyone I've even thought of in years. Breaking up with him was easy at the time. I guess it goes to show you that what triggers us has nothing to do with the person himself.

And generally I feel like I do have pretty good self esteem, so I was surprised by this trigger. But hey, there's unfinished stuff there, you know? And you're right-- it has everything to do with my mom, with whom I now have no contact (since Dec.) I think that's the biggest trigger of all. Breaking contact involves lots of inner work.

Fire

March 9, 2008
7:45 pm
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marypoppins
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(((Fire)))

Good for you on NC with your mom. That's major. Sorry if my earlier post was too crass. That's a sore spot with me, but sometimes I wonder, what isn't?

Your husband sounds like a terrific guy, which you surely deserve!

Mary

March 9, 2008
7:56 pm
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through_the_fire
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Mary,

You didn't sound crass at all. I think body stuff, breast stuff, all of it often involves a sore spot for women. I mean we live in such a sexist society-- at least I think so-- and it's a major pain in the ass when we have to deal with indoctrinated to be sexist men.

Yesh, he's a good guy. Remember the porn discussion of last week? This weekend without my mentioning it, he says, "You know I've been thinking about what you said, and even though lots of the time I just look at porn to look at it, it's not a great habit to have so regularly. I don't want to deny myself it, but maybe it was just too habitual."

Cool, huh?

Fire

March 9, 2008
8:08 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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((((Through the fire))) I have read your post over the time here and you sound like you are a beautiful person inside and out. Idiot guys are the idiots that think woman are suppose to be this way or that. These idiots end up alone too. ((through))) horsefly

March 9, 2008
8:15 pm
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marypoppins
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Very cool, Fire. Wow. Does he have any brothers? 🙂

I'm happy for you. Gives me hope for us all.

Mary

March 9, 2008
9:29 pm
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through_the_fire
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(((horsefly))) you are just so sweet. Thanks a lot, words from you mean a lot.

Mary.....the crazy thing is, as I told him later, I'm so unused to a man just unprompted, really considering what I've expressed to him and reflecting on it and then talking to me, that I was stunned. I told him, "You know I'm so unused to healthy behavior like that, part of me thought oh he's telling me there's real problem to look out for." (laughing) I told him that the expected response from guys I've been with is to get defensive and tell me I'm making too big a deal of things. He laughed and said, "Hey I can do that too." Weird how I would be "comforted" or it would be familiar to be treated disrespectfully.

Fire

March 9, 2008
10:14 pm
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marypoppins
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Fire,

I know exactly what you mean. I've been told I exaggerate, control, over-think, over-analyze, think too much, "micro-manage", make a big deal out of nothing, overreact, etc. and dismissed as a crazy bitch. It must be nice to be heard and considered. To have someone try to understand something from your perspective. It takes a VERY secure person to do that. What we're used to are insecure men just trying to shut us up by making us the problem. I think you are in the process of having a truly healthy intimate relationship. Awesome.

Mary

March 10, 2008
10:43 pm
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_anonymous
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Through- One thing about us codependents is that we can really magnify and obsess over just about anything. The problem is it takes up valuable brainspace that we should be filling up with positive thoughts. The mom thing is a problem. You have to emotionally end that relationship so you can move on. That will take a lot of work. But right now she is still controlling you. It took me almost forever to get over all the crap my mother did to me. I kept choosing men that treated me as bad as she did.

March 11, 2008
9:25 am
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through_the_fire
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Mary,

Funny enough, but my husband would not label himself as secure, probably. But he is capable of think ing things over and admitting his mistakes. He also can laugh at himself when he's being a silly ass. I've NEVER been with a guy who could or would do those things. So serious and withholding and like you said, always minimizing and if necessary shouting down anything I felt.

Destiny,

I just started NC with my mom, so I don't think I can just emotionally end the relationship. I'm with a man who treats me well, so I must be making some progress though.

Did your mom treat you like crap? That's another reason for not having good judgment with guys. We think it's love!

Fire

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