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I gave him my life, and he ran with it
May 19, 2001
2:42 am
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broken
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I am 20 years old and last fall I started dating a guy that is 24, divorced and has a child. Our relationship is amazing, but has horrible timing. So we are kind of broken up at the moment, with the hopes of getting back together. There are a couple things that have bothered me and I don't know how to handle. He is kinds of a sex maniac. He wants it all the time. I do too, when I am with him, but I don't want that to be why he is with me. One time he said something about taking those pills to make your boobs bigger, and I was fine with my boobs until he said that, and now everytime I look in the mirror, I feel too small. He said that I turn him on now, like crazy, but if I had bigger boobs he would have an orgasm just looking at me. Also, I wanted to wait for eachother until things clear up, and then we can get back together, and he wants to get back together too, a lot. Yet, he says that he doesn't want me to wait, because if I find someone else that really deserves me (he doesn't feel like he deserves me) than he wants me to go for him. I tell him that I have found who I want to be with, and it is him, and I don't want to mess up what we have to test the waters with someone else. But I don't think he wants to wait for me. I am afraid that he will mess around with someone else, and if he did that, I don't know if I could forgive him. I am so afraid of losing him to some girl with gargantuan breasts, yet I am also afraid that if I don't learn to love myself, than he won't love me either and he will walk all over me. I am so confused and stressed out- I have lost 10 pounds in 2 months because I have lost my appetite. I weigh 110 pounds and I am 5'6". I get horrible headaches and sharp pains in my abdomen, I hardly ever poop anymore. I am shutting everyone out of my life. I am so unhealthy and my father is expecting me to be and do everything perfectly, even though I am at the most difficult point in my life thus far. Also, my basement flooded and I had to move upstairs into my dad office, which has no lock on the door, so I have no privacy. My car is broken and I have no money to fix it, so my dad is letting me use his car but only for work and school. I have no freedom, no privacy, no money, no boyfriend, and nothing to fill the giant void in my heart. I am so lost and confused and I want to end my misery. Please help.

May 19, 2001
8:48 pm
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gingerleigh
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Whoa whoa whoa. You are 20 years old. I'll bet you are sick of listening to people remind you of that. But you can't even legally drink yet (in the US anyway). What on earth makes you think that you are ready to settle down with someone?

Take a break from the guy. Let him sort out his own issues. (And believe me honey, he's got plenty if he is 24 years old and already divorced with a kid.) Why on earth would you tie yourself down to someone with baggage? And if your heart is screaming "because I love him!" think again. He wants you to take hormones so that you have bigger boobs. Is he nuts? And if you honestly think that he is going to leave you for someone with big knockers, do you really want him?

Concentrate on yourself, not on the guy. You cannot sort out his issues for him, BUT you can definitely sort out your own, and when you do you will feel so much better inside that your outside will get better too, and you will be able to see more clearly and evaluate whether you are wasting your time with this guy.

Focus on your work and on school and make a goal of getting your own place and out from under the watchful eye of your parents. As you start to live your own life and support yourself, your self esteem will increase dramatically. Taking care of yourself is the single best thing that you could ever do for yourself.

May 20, 2001
12:50 am
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broken
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Thank you ginger, for your reply. I am the type of person that wants to solve everyone else's problems and make everyone feel better, yet it is strange how when I need someone, they are not there for me. I need to fix myself now. I just don't know how. It is not my nature. How do I fight myself to take care of myself? How do I find the will to want to fight? I am having a lot of trouble with depression and thoughts of suicide. I don't know how to make the dark thoughts go away. Any advice?

May 20, 2001
12:52 pm
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chippy
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YES YES YES......Get counseling help and see a doctor NOW. Honey you need crisis help. Don't delay!

Whatever you do don't get too close to boyfriend....does not sound like a friend right now. You need help in getting YOU together.....crisis counseling and perhaps medication. Please listen.....you can get outta this confusion but you need HELP.....Please do not ignore these symptoms of depression.....you can feel loads better real soon.

In your school there is probably FREE crisis counseling. GO! Also ask for the name of a reputable doctor in depression...and GO! Please Honey...take these ACTIONS.

A Loving Mother
Chippy

May 20, 2001
2:39 pm
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ranmar1
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Is this the first guy you've ever had a serious relationship with? True love will be patient and everlasting, so long as it is meant to be. I think he is using the "poor me" syndrome, of wanting you to go out with other guys. C'mon, what a bunch of crock. Believe me, if he starts telling you that you need bigger boobs, and that you should not wait for him if something better comes along, how shallow do you think this guy really is? Especially being the father of a child already, and making you feel the way he does. This guy needs to grow up first, be a responsible dad first, then think about taking care of you as well. Until he "grows up" don't start dreaming of this life of fairy tales with him. That's all it is right now, a fairy tale. I come to you with a male's perspective.

May 21, 2001
12:14 am
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meldee
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hi. I just want to say that I am also 20 yrs old and was in a very similar situation this passed year. I too was in an unhealthy relationship and couldn't see myself without my boyfriend. Believe me, these people are right, you NEED to start focusing your attention on YOU. You can't change the fact that your ex is "kinda a sex addict" and likes big boobs, but you can make yourself happy so that these insesitive things don't hurt you so bad. When I finally broke up with my boyfriend because I couln't take the dissapointment and pain anymore, I started to realize that all that energy i spent focussing on him and "US" could be spent on bettering myself. It has been about 6 months and I feel sooo much better about myself. Don't get me wrong it's difficult to move on at first but once you get started it starts to feel so good you don't want to stop. I even have him begging for me back, but since I have been without him I have been soo much happier that I couldn't even imagine going down that route again. So my advise is that you STAY AWAY FROM HIM, don't answer his calls, and just focus on yourself. You will soon begin to realize that you are a special person and that you can be on you own and be happy and as soon as you realise that there is bound to be someone that will see that happiness in you and that will respect you for who you really are. but until then, just take it one day at a time, focus on yourself and believe me, you will get through this.

May 21, 2001
11:44 am
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skimbleshanks
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Hi,

You are a loving person. Anyone loving you back the equal amount or more than you give, should not ask you to change. That's not what it's about.

WAIT for someone who can meet your standards!

You are so young and have so much to give.

May 21, 2001
1:42 pm
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Molly
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Re read Gingerleigh's post, it is so true, there is so much more to life, and you are so young. Why are we women so easy??? That is what it boils down to, we give our selves away, we don't ask for much, and what does that get you a person who uses you, and asks for more. Get that song 50 ways to leave your lover, get some counseling, draw some boundry lines, and learn that dating is going out to a movie and coffee, not hitting the sack. Its a hard lesson, but I am sure when you are back on track, you will be a much stronger, woman.

May 21, 2001
7:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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How are you feeling, Broken? Have you given any thought as to what your first step will be?

May 22, 2001
2:41 pm
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broken
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Thanks for all the posts everyone. I am doing a little bit better. I am going to the doctor today to check everything out. I wrote this poem and I had it out in my room and it said something in it about I welcome death with open arms. I am not going to kill myself, but I was just thinking it would be easier to be dead, but I know it is selfish and I will only give pain to others, so I won't. Anyway, my dad found it and he is all freiked out and he has been losing sleep and calling around to all my friends to know where I am, so I have lost even more privacy. I am still going nuts. My boyfriend wants to get back together, and his mom wants us to also. His parents have this idea that if we break up because it is hard now, it means I don't love him enough to stick it out. My boyfriend didn't feel that way at all until his parents said that. So that makes me kind of mad. I don't know what my first step will be Gingerleigh. I am just taking it one day at a time. I am trying to visualize myself being strong and getting over this on my own, cause there aren't too many people I can trust right now.

May 23, 2001
1:34 am
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gingerleigh
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Broken, take it from someone who has been there and done that, please do NOT go back to him. Give it some time. Please try to take at least 6 months off from the relationship, or any relationship. I don't mean to sound judgemental of your ex, perhaps he is using this time to grow and mature (although I doubt it, sorry, that's my own cynicism coming through), but BOTH of you are so young. Your ex changing his mind to agree with his parents shows that he isn't clear on what he wants or needs and is latching onto any suggestion that sounds reasonable.

Trust me, you don't want that. It's hard enough dealing with someone who knows what he wants, let alone someone who has no clue.

Now, onto the tough parts, the parts that you CAN do something about. I'm going to overstep my bounds and offer some suggestions for first steps since you said that you weren't sure.

First, stop it with the death stuff. Entertaining those thoughts, as intriguing as it can be, is not going to help you in any way, and it is just going to bring you down and upset the people who love you.

Now, take some time, allot yourself some private space, and maybe an hour or two to sulk. Have a pity party for yourself and don't invite anyone. You will get bored of this in anywhere between 10 minutes and 3 hours. It gets REALLY boring. If you want to get really efficient about it, make a list of all of the things in your life that suck.

When you are finished sulking, here's a variety of busy work that you can start that will keep you occupied.
1. make contacting your ex more difficult. Remove his number from your speed dial. Take him off your messenger contact lists. Get him out of your phone book. You get the idea.
2. plan at least one physical activity to do per day, and DO IT. This could be taking a walk, renting a yoga video or taking a bike ride or whatever. I am deadly serious about this step. Make this one of your first steps. It will provide you with a lot more energy and enthusiasm to proceed in other areas of your life.
3. make a budget. draw up a list of everything that you spend. Include meals out, any party money, clothing you have bought, gas for your car, car repairs, whatever. make a list of your income. include money from your parents. are you spending more than you earn? how much of your lifestyle are your parents funding?
4. get your studies in order. what classes are you taking? what kind of grades are you getting in each class? are there certain areas that you want to do better in? what is holding you back from succeeding? is the material too hard? too boring? what can you do to fix that?
5. look in the paper for places to rent, cheap. check roommate lists at school. is there anything that you might be close to being able to afford?
6. where are you working now? how much do you make? do you need to make more in order to support yourself and get your own place? how can you make more? can you work more hours? is there another job you can get?
7. go down the list that you made when you were sulking, and figure out a plan to address each gripe. think big, don't worry about doing it. just pretend that you are a big boss at the company of Broken's Life and you are just going to create the workplan and delegate out too all the pee-ons to take care of. However, you still have to tell the pee-ons what to do, right?

Get the idea?

*hugs*

May 23, 2001
5:23 pm
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broken
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Thank you for the advice Gingerleigh. It is all good. I will try and follow those steps, I think it would be healthy for me. My car should be fixed by tomorrow so that will solve a part of my problems, and also, I will have my room back in a couple weeks, so that is better. I am having another problem though. Why are all the people in my life so over protective? Everyone assumes that if they don't know where I am, I must be dead in a ditch somewhere. So since I keep my phone on silent, I don't answer when people call my cell phone 80000 times a day. Then everyone gets mad at me and makes me feel like I am a horrible person. Is it unreasonable to expect people to think that I am okay if I am not always at hom or if I don't answer my phone? Isn't reasonable that I should be able to leave the house with no questions askes? That is my present issue. Thanks for any advice in advance.

May 23, 2001
8:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sorry to say, but the old saying "our roof, our rules" applies here. It's an awful feeling, I know, but you are stuck with that until you get out on your own.

May 23, 2001
9:18 pm
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Molly
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Not to forget, they love you, and know that you have been going through some rough times, If they had caught on to the talk about death, and such, they just might be freaking, so we get wiggy when they care, we get wiggy when they don't . Now get to work on Gingerleigh's list.

May 23, 2001
11:58 pm
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broken
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Well, I think I am done feeling sorry for myself. All I have to do is read other threads and think about people who live in 3rd world countries. I have things to be thankful for, my family and friends though there protection and love comes in abundance, I have a roof over my head and transportation, I have my beliefs, I have my virginity (that I am very proud of!) I have my sanity, I have support through complete strangers. I have been a bit hard on my parents. I failed to see that my trials, though they were difficult for me, it was almost as difficult for my parents to watch me endure them, knowing they can't do much about it. I love them and appreciate all they have given me. So, yeah, I guess that is enough of my pouting and self-pity. It does get annoying real quick! Thank you for all of your advice and the time and thought you put into it.

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