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i finally have to admit i am co-denendent
May 10, 2009
11:09 pm
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obrn
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Well after an 18 year marriage to an alcoholic who is a sociopath, and avoids divorce and child support...i become involved with a younger man who is also an alcoholic with 4 dui'sand who has spen a year in prison. Things started out great but then the cycle begun..the verbal abuse..the walking on thin ice just waiting for the abusive blow up. This man practically distroyed my house. Terrified my children,,damaged my car..broke my cell phone..urinated all over my room..etc..etc. Yet I kept feeling responsible. He is somewhat out finaly..though it should have happened long ago. Here I sit night after night lonely and missing him. I obviously have a really bad problem. My head knows better but my heart is having a hard time. I know my kids are more important..how could I possible still love this man. I am really messed up and I know it. I did block his phone from calling me..becuase I know I am not strong enough to resist his charm. I really wanted to help him have a better life. I really believe he also wants this...but he is not capable. Maybe I am nieve. I need all the advise I can get...because I get lonely at night and I am afraid I will slip and get back with him.

May 12, 2009
6:56 am
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shanah
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obrn,

Hugs. I just learned today that I am a codepentet. Since learning I have been on the internet researching it trying to find help from my toxic relationship. Your story touches my heart because I know how you feel. I have been in and out of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man for 4 years, I continue to go back to him for some of the same reasons you described; I have no will-power when it comes to this man, I love him to death, I have convinced myself that I have a future with him and that I can help him with all of his problems. I don't know how I am going to get though this, all of my friends have abandoned me because they want this all to end and don't understand why I am not strong enough. I am a consider myself to be a very bright young woman, but I think admit I have no contol over my codependency. I am so glad to have found this site, I just keep reading what others post and see myself in thier problems and it really makes me cry. I just want to hug you and tell you I know how you feel. I don't have very much advice as I am new to this as well. I am thinking about joining a CODA group so I can get more information but not sure if it will be right for me. I think I might be beyond groups and need to seek ongoing therapy. take care and know you are not alone in this!

~Shanah

May 12, 2009
12:17 pm
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Stacers
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I too am co-dependent and just finding out their are actually other people out there like me. What a relief to know that I am not alone in this mess. I have been involved with a guy for almost a year and I'm going through the same hell. He was 9 months sober when I met him and wonderful! We went to the movies, out to eat, on walks, to church, stayed in and watched TV, etc. Then around Christmas the drinking started and it's been a nightmare ever since. I am in love with the old guy that attended AA and loved me to death...this new guy is not even the same man. He comes to my house at all hours after a night of drinking. He wants to be fed and he says to cuddle. Sometimes he tries more but most nights he just wants to put his arm around me and go to sleep. At first, I thought "how cute" he goes out drinking and then wants to come home and be with me. I felt special...but now I know he is in his addiction. He doesn't care anything about me when he's sober. No calls or asking me out. Only calls or comes around after drinking. I don't know why I let him in...everyone says "DON'T LET HIM IN. CALL THE COPS" but I can't bring myself to do that. I need to stop this cycle because it makes me feel used and sad. I have been going to counseling and have found that I am a "fixer". I tend to overlook my own problems and engulf myself into someone else. But for me there has been some help. I found a free counseling service at my church and have been going for about 4 months now, I have found that there are meetings for Allanon (loving someone with addiction) and also CODA (Code Dependency). My church has a class for Co-dependency called Lean not on your own understanding. So if I was going to give advice I would say check out a local church and see if they have any programs that are "free". Hugs and prayers.

May 12, 2009
4:29 pm
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shanah
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Stacers,

I have been there also. His alcohol addiction is much like what you described, when I first met him he didn't have a problem, now it has started to rip apart our relationship. Because I am codependent on him, I allow him to continue to do this to me because I can not say no. I love him, I want the old him back. I am tired of his empty promises and doing this over and over again every weekend. I am not strong enough to turn him away when he has been drinking, insead I go get him where ever he is take him home and make sure he is okay. I care and love him like I know no one else does and I have to make sure he gets home safe and doesn't do anything stupid. I need to get into therapy or a support group so I can try to leave this relationship with help, so far all other attempts have failed miserably. I am simple not strong enough.

May 12, 2009
4:36 pm
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I have learned in counseling that just as they are addicted to alcohol we are addicted to them. We can't leave them, but hate ourselves for not standing up to them. Until you make the decision..this cycle will not break. He will continue to come to you because you enable him. By picking him up from where he is, you let him know that it's ok for him to drink and not be responsible. He knows that he just needs to call and you will come. You will have to get strong and when he calls don't go pick him up. He can get a cab, or he can drive and get a DUI. Geez I sure can give out the advice but when it comes to myself I can't seem to take my own advice. Pray for strength and imagine a life of happiness without him. That is what I have been doing. I have not heard from him since last Wed. and I can honestly say I am feeling a sense of relief that maybe this time he will leave me alone. Everyone says "No" that he will be back.

May 12, 2009
5:42 pm
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that's a lot of truth stacers. I know what you mean about the advice tho. Many of my freinds come to me for advice in their relationship because I can dish it but I can't take it. In another forum one of the girls had me look up "The Gas light Effect" and I just realized a few minutes ago after going through the 1-20 that I am ging gaslighted. So not only am I codependent on this person I also let him gaslight me. Its overwhelming and now I know that I am not crazy this are real conditions and are all caused by certain things from my past and upbringing. I need to get a good therapist when I can afford one and possibly get into a group. I don't know if CODA is right for me as I am not that close to God and going through the 12-steps seems to involve a lot of relgious matters. This weekend I plan to go to the book store and buy as many materials as I can afford on being codependent and gaslighting. I havn't talked to my "M" since Satuday and it's really agonizing. We founght and when we leave things like that my entire week is miserable. I see his posts on facebook as I am friends with all of his friends and his sister, it is really difficult to try to not think of him. I am just so glad I found this site, now I have some sort of outlet where as before yesterday I had nothing. I hope I can make friends, gain strength and insight from them and not frustrate them all like I have my own friends with my relapses and failings. Thanks so much Stacers for all your help!

May 12, 2009
5:50 pm
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((obrn, Stacers & Shanah))welcome to this wonderful website. I've been posting on here for many years and can relate to you all....i still have coda issues lurking in myself.

I highly recommend Coda meetings, they are excellent, its good to be around real, live people all having some issues with codependency. It worked well for me. Unfort, where i live now there are no local meetings, but i have this website to fall back on.

Just make sure to put YOU as #1 at all times, and take good care of you.

((((camer)))))

May 15, 2009
5:16 am
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obrn
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Wow everyone thank you for sharing your stories and all the wonderful advice. I am going to attempt my first CODA meeting on Monday. I am very nervous. I have been talking to the kinda ex boyfriend less and less. Every conversation seems to end with how I have dissapointed him or how I have let him down. Always my fault..he has a complete inability to take responsibilty for anything. Even his 4 DUIs, he states it is not like I hurt anyone or anything. He can not grasp that he could have killed an inocent person. I have been strong enough not to see him though...that has been helpful. Most importantly, I had my first day yesterday that I did not cry over him. If I can have a second it will make it worth it. The good part is I have been working so much and am so exhausted I do not have the energy to cry or think about him as much. You are all wonderful.

May 15, 2009
4:55 pm
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obrn -

Four DUI's? This man is (1) an alcoholic/addict and (2) utterly and completely in denial about his responsibility for his own, lousy choices and selfish behaviors. And alcoholism is a SELFISH sport.

It is not about love; it is about manipulation to get three squares and a cot; manipulation to get sex and financial support; manipulation to get free rides and unlimited transportation; manipulation to get coddling, hugging, acceptance and attention without ever reciprocating; it is about ABUSE of those closest to the alcoholic/addict.

I hope you continue posting here and gain strength to step back from this man and his sick lies and manipulation. He is definitely both using AND abusing you, emotionally and verbally. Stand up for yourself.

And make two lists: one that lists all the good things he has said/done for you in the past month; one that lists all the bad/unpleasant/hurtful things that he has said/done to in the past month.

One list is going to outweigh the other. Go with the longer list.

- Ma Strong

May 17, 2009
10:29 am
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obrn
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Ma Stong,

Your have nailed it. He has completely manipulated me. He did manipulate me for sex, financial support rides, three squares and a cot. I was giving him the world and he was tearing my house apart, tearing my relationsip with my children apart, and tearing my self esteem apart.

I am happy to report I am now 3 days without crying. I am feeling much stronger. I had actually started that list of good and bad, because my counselor recomended it. I actually like the way that you put it though do make one in reference to the last month.

Like I had said I had spoke to him a few times and he made me feel horrible about myself. Yet he begged me to see him. He begged me to let him spend the night. I have not called him since. The best thing I did was block him from calling me. Now I need to keep being strong and not call him.

I do have the delema of having his dog. I had asked him did he want me to bring her to him and he said not right now. So do I just intend to keep her or do I just drop the dog off to his mothers house where he is now living? The problem is I have guilt about returning the dog because she is kept locked up in a shower over at that house. That is how she ended up here in the first place because it broke my heart for her to be treated that way. She is very happy here. I just knnow that then he still has a reason to contact me.

The other problem is I am very scared of him. I am afraid he will come to my house and tear it apart. He did this to a previous girlfriend and caused ov er 50 thousand dollars in damage to her home. So as much as I would like to keep his dog here where she is happy I feel I can not if he should ask for her back. Any advice would be appreciated.

Lastly, I have my cell phone voice mail filled with messages from him that consist of threats to me, my children ect. I am not sure what to do. I have saved them because I am afraid that if he should do anything I would have proof of the threats. For this reason I can no longer use my voice mail. Should I just erase them and forget about it. Or is there a way to save them in some other manner. His sister in law,,,keeps telling me even though he has backed off at the moment, that this is not over. She says he will not be able to let this just go without feeling like he has made me pay. Any ideas or suggestions?

I appreciate any thoughts from anyone.

Thanks,
OBRN

May 21, 2009
12:25 am
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balancesekr
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hi obrn,

this situation sounds pretty serious. if this man is threatening you and your children, i would take that seriously. the dog sounds like a tie, for him to come over there, which you already know.

personally, i would either bring the dog to someone else's house... whose? I don't know or return the dog to his mother's. you and your children are more important than the dog.

May 27, 2009
5:18 pm
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obrn
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balancesekr

yes it is a serious situation. i am still very confused. the dog is a conection. i guess maybe for me too. Just when I really think that I am over him,,,it seems that I am not.

thanks for the support
obrn

May 27, 2009
5:47 pm
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obrn
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hey everyone,
it has been so helpful to read all your post. problem is i had not come to the site for over a week and now i have slipped up again and i feel really lost.

so here goes...i saw the ex last thursday...i knew i shouldnt but i wanted to see how i would feel after haveing finaly been strong enough to stay away for a month. i had a lot of good going on. i started a coda group, been doing well in therapy, and even had a few dates with a wonderful guy (at least wonderful so far). i knew we would end up sleeping together, but i felt that i had built the wall up around my heart well enough that i could handle it. my friend even tried to stop me by cutting my car off a street before his. but i still went. i did good...afterwards i still felt that i could walk away, actually i felt very strong about it that i was done...well that was thursday.
Fri, his sister in law and brother invited me out, i went...big mistake. he showed up where we were (even though the day before he told me he would not drink) he of course was upset that i was there with them especially since he told me he does not wantme to have anything to do with his sister in law. after some drama i was able to sneek out and make it home. I was sound asleep when the phone rang around 3 am. he was obviously drunk and begged me to let him come over to just lay in bed next to me. after about 30 min i agreed and unlocked my door and went back to sleep, knowing i had to be up in 2 hours for work. i am not sure if i thought he would not show, but he did. his mom drove him to my house at 330 in the morning. yea she is codependent to.
the next day his sister in law sent a text telling me how disapointed she was. i told her we just talked and slept which was the truth. but things have gotten very confusing since then. i am afraid to even tell my therapist i am having anything to do with him because she told me if i did i should be hospitalized. I myself do not understand, he has done such horrible things to me.
He is now begging me to be with him. i told him i no longer feel the same which is true,,but i just cant seem to turn him away. i always give in and do what he wants. i wanted to go roller bladding by myself yesterday to think but he convinced me to pick him up and take him with me. He wants to go to counseling. He is making a million promises. He wants a baby,,,he wants to change. I am freaking out.
every morining i read my self help book and decide i am going to tell him forget it i am done, but by mid afternoon i am having second thoughts. Why am I in love with him. I want happiness, and i told him he is such a big risk to take. He spoke to a couselor who was very reasuring with him, but i am sure he did not tell her all the horible things he has done. he says he will take medication and try not to drink. that should tell me enough that he says he will try.
he wanted me to promise not to see this other guy, but i did not becuase i still want to see the other guy. I know the other guy would be better for me, he actually has a job, a house and a drivers licence. Then i think yea but i love the ex not this guy. Then the other part of me really feels that i am not good enough for the good guy and he will eventually figure that out. Sorry for rambling but i am confused and very depressed over all of it. Sould i go to counseling with him? Should i give him one more chance or will that just lead to more chances. My kids despise this man and that should be enough to keep me away, why isn't it. Why am i addicted to him. Please help me think clearly.

May 27, 2009
5:47 pm
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obrn
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hey everyone,
it has been so helpful to read all your post. problem is i had not come to the site for over a week and now i have slipped up again and i feel really lost.

so here goes...i saw the ex last thursday...i knew i shouldnt but i wanted to see how i would feel after haveing finaly been strong enough to stay away for a month. i had a lot of good going on. i started a coda group, been doing well in therapy, and even had a few dates with a wonderful guy (at least wonderful so far). i knew we would end up sleeping together, but i felt that i had built the wall up around my heart well enough that i could handle it. my friend even tried to stop me by cutting my car off a street before his. but i still went. i did good...afterwards i still felt that i could walk away, actually i felt very strong about it that i was done...well that was thursday.
Fri, his sister in law and brother invited me out, i went...big mistake. he showed up where we were (even though the day before he told me he would not drink) he of course was upset that i was there with them especially since he told me he does not wantme to have anything to do with his sister in law. after some drama i was able to sneek out and make it home. I was sound asleep when the phone rang around 3 am. he was obviously drunk and begged me to let him come over to just lay in bed next to me. after about 30 min i agreed and unlocked my door and went back to sleep, knowing i had to be up in 2 hours for work. i am not sure if i thought he would not show, but he did. his mom drove him to my house at 330 in the morning. yea she is codependent to.
the next day his sister in law sent a text telling me how disapointed she was. i told her we just talked and slept which was the truth. but things have gotten very confusing since then. i am afraid to even tell my therapist i am having anything to do with him because she told me if i did i should be hospitalized. I myself do not understand, he has done such horrible things to me.
He is now begging me to be with him. i told him i no longer feel the same which is true,,but i just cant seem to turn him away. i always give in and do what he wants. i wanted to go roller bladding by myself yesterday to think but he convinced me to pick him up and take him with me. He wants to go to counseling. He is making a million promises. He wants a baby,,,he wants to change. I am freaking out.
every morining i read my self help book and decide i am going to tell him forget it i am done, but by mid afternoon i am having second thoughts. Why am I in love with him. I want happiness, and i told him he is such a big risk to take. He spoke to a couselor who was very reasuring with him, but i am sure he did not tell her all the horible things he has done. he says he will take medication and try not to drink. that should tell me enough that he says he will try.
he wanted me to promise not to see this other guy, but i did not becuase i still want to see the other guy. I know the other guy would be better for me, he actually has a job, a house and a drivers licence. Then i think yea but i love the ex not this guy. Then the other part of me really feels that i am not good enough for the good guy and he will eventually figure that out. Sorry for rambling but i am confused and very depressed over all of it. Sould i go to counseling with him? Should i give him one more chance or will that just lead to more chances. My kids despise this man and that should be enough to keep me away, why isn't it. Why am i addicted to him. Please help me think clearly.

May 28, 2009
12:04 am
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Stacers
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Your story sounds so much like mine. I have been so much in love with this guy "R" and in the beginning he was so wonderful! He was 9 months sober and we had so much fun together going to movies, out to eat, to church, staying home, etc. then the drinking started and it's been hard. What I can tell you from experience is these guys are NON-commital. They will promise you the world and tell you everything you want and need to hear. But these are empty promises from a alcohol-soaked mind. You know this, you are just hanging onto anything this man will give you. What you are in love with is the HOPE that he will change and be who you want him to be. How do I know this?? Because I am in love with the same guy you are. The self-centered alcoholic who has no regard for us. When you have to be at work the next morning, who in their right mind would show up drunk? Would you ever think to do that to someone? Of course not! The alcoholic is so selfish that he/she doesn't care. They only want the gratification of having someone cuddle with them, make them feel special and needed. Do you think they feel anything other than what they can get out of this? I have been pressuring "R" for so long to make a solid committment to me. He says he loves hanging around with me and enjoys my company, but he's not ready to committ and GOD forbit I mention anything about a future together. I blocked his number today. I feel numb, but no more of those 3:00 AM text messages. I feel a sense of relief knowing he won't call me. You are addicted to the drama. Give yourself a break. Block his number. Try to find some things you like to do for yourself. Do you like the gym? How about going to the library and getting some good books? Coda and Allanon meetings are wonderful outlets to meet new friends and people going through what you are. You have to respect yourself! He is only going to make you feel bad. And yes, I slept with "R" only Monday night and I have been so mad at myself ever since. Good luck...hugs

May 29, 2009
5:35 am
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obrn
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Stacers,
I know that all of what your saying is true and that i am just weak. I blocked his number 6 weeks ago, but eventually he started using his moms phone and his nephews phone. I somehow feel responsible, for his well being. He has not drank this week and I feel like if I tell him to bug off, than he will go out and get drunk. Mine is the oposite, he wants to comitt, he wants a baby. I think the baby is his way of keeping me. I told him that it was not fair to bring a baby into this. He convinces me to make promises to him that I really do not want to make and then I feel angry with myself. The one thought that keeps circling in my mind is that my counselor said when I told her I was done with him, that it was the best thing I could do for my daughter. That I was teaching her not to let people treat her bad. Now that he is pulling me back in I feel that I am betraying my daughter. It is so hard. Thanks for all the good advice, hopefully I will do the right thing. Good luck with R. At least blocking the number shows a strong message, he will know you mean it.

lots of love
obrn

June 4, 2009
7:46 pm
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Lanigirl
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I'm so glad that you're thinking of your daughter and how you can set up the best life for her. What do you think of the idea that if you treat yourself well, you'll be a good model for her so she knows how a man should treat her?

I'm also glad that you are staying strong about not bringing a baby into it.

I don't know if all of the research is true but I can share with you that my alcoholic's family has a history of alcohol/drug abuse that goes back at least 3 generations.

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