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I finally ended it--so horribly, though
December 19, 2003
12:56 pm
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julesFL
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I wrote a thread back on 12/11 called "Keep me focused...". Anyway after realizing and taking a good look at our relationship, I knew we could not possibly have a future together- I mean one that I am looking for.

I went to his Christmas party where he remained sober (which is the him i fell in love with), and he asked me to be sober as well. It was very classy and we had a good time. My Christmas party was Wed night ( I am the co-owner of the company), and he was wasted when he picked me up. I could not believe it. Right before we went in he told me he went on a date last week whe we were "taking a break". I was devistated. My love for him is constant and that was the third time he did it. I could not comprehend that. So at this point I am pissed and he is wasted. He was so obnoxius, I was humiliated.

Later we went to another bar with some people from the party. He was turning me off so bad- I was disgusted. Everyone could not believe I could be with someone like this. I knew our days were numbered.

I had realized that our relationship was like a tornado, and every once in a while I could get out for a breath, only to get sucked right back in. I knew the only way to permenently resolve that problem was to be with someone else. He would never accept that.

I did a horrible thing. He left mad-real mad because my co-workers were not being nice to him--because he was so loud and unpleasant. When he left I kissed a guy at the bar. Ugh.... I know subconsciously the exact reason I did it. I was honest with him the next day, but hurt him so bad because he thinks it was much more than a kiss. I know we will never talk again and I am really ok with it. He just does not realize how many times he has hurt me -- and I just blew it off.

So I guess I am supposed to be the bad guy in his eyes and let it be--and just agree that it was all my fault. This ride has finally ended-Thank God. I just need my head to stop spinning. I hate what I had to do, what do you think?

December 19, 2003
1:52 pm
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gingerleigh
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Well, there's definitely more than one way to skin a cat. So you kissed a guy in a bar. I hope at least he was cute! *giggle* OK, all funnin' aside, if your "indescretions" stopped at a little smooch with a stranger and a wink as you sauntered out the door on your way home, well, that isn't nearly (in my book) as lasting a "sin" as showing up to an important event drunk (was he driving as well?) and making an ass out of himself in front of your co-workers.

The only thing I would call a little bit of bull-beep on here is that you thought that the only way you could get out of this relationship was by kissing someone else. What it seems like to me is that you wanted two things... (1) you wanted to get out of the relationship, and (2) you wanted to have a little fun. But #2 you felt guilty about, so to justify it, you tied engaging in #2 as the only way to reach your more noble goal of #1. I'm sure that you could have also forced your ex away by cutting up his prized collection of antique photographs, no?

Jules, it is OK to want to have fun! It's natural, it's normal, it's understandable that after going through crap over and over you would like to experience some sizzle and sparkle. You don't have to justify it! Just keep your head about you when you do it, yah?

I'm really sorry that you've got the turmoil to go through, but it will pass eventually, and you WILL be OK.

December 22, 2003
2:20 pm
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julesFL
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Ginger- thanks so much. You make it sound like it was really not that big of a deal--and I guess you were right. I accomplished my goal. Ugh..

Thanks
jules

December 22, 2003
2:24 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ending relationships are HARD, I don't want you to think that I was telling you that it's easy and "not a big deal". From your description of the relationship, I'm glad that you are out of it. Deep breath, and keep surrounding yourself with friends and family who love you.

December 22, 2003
3:02 pm
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arwen
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Dear Jules,

I have no judgments regarding how you chose to end your relationship. I think we all do what we have to do when we have to do it, in whatever way we are able to at the time. There is no shame in it.

My only concern is for you regarding your ex. He may change his mind. He may "forgive" you, honeymoon you with promises of sobriety etc.

Have you considered a plan for this so that rather than reacting to what he says, you are proactive, and have already thought up all the ways he might try to draw you back to him? I think, if you are the kind of person you sound like, he knows the value of who you are and might not let you go so willingly...

Take care of you!

Love,

Arwen

December 22, 2003
4:06 pm
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julesFL
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Arwen, you are so right. The next day he came by with a $$ fish tank for my kids for Christmas, but never really looked me in the eye. He hates me for what I did. I think I may have hit the correct nerve to get out-for real this time.

I have surronded myself w/family and friends and God, and have tried not to have alone time- so I would not call him. So far so good. just hoping I am strong enough. He is a charmer, though and that scares me.

He has been "buzzed" since that day and I think he fears sobriety because of the reality he lost me. And of course he calls me often to come up with horrible-mean things to say to me. I am trying to remember all that when I have weak moments. Pray for me to have strength!!

Any way Thanks all.
Jules

December 22, 2003
4:22 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Jules,

Keep yourself strong. Seems to me that these folks - the C/A's in our lives love to call, write or just spout off about how we have wronged them. Their way of justifying what they have done.

Trust me, I thought I had seen and heard it all just in dealing with my cousin. Now, in dealing with this ex-boyfriend of my daughter is amazes me how they try to do this continuously in each and every situation in their life.

You were not "horrible" you were just taking care of Jules.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
4:42 pm
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julesFL
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Zinnie- thanks- that is exactly what he is doing isn't it--trying to justify it in his head that its my fault??? I have to keep telling myself this because it is SO hurtful.

This must be the reason for the alcoholism to begin with--he probably can't deal with the reality of what hurt he causes so if he stays drunk or high he remains numb!!

It's coming together now.YUCK!!
jules

December 22, 2003
4:46 pm
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arwen
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Dear Jules,

I understand, I honestly do...

What is it, that line from the second Matrix movie about HOPE being the greatest strength in humans, but that it also reveals our greatest flaws.

I understand what it is to hope. To hope for sobriety in another person, or even in myself. To hope for friendship, for love, for any fragment of something positive to survive the blow-up of a relationship. Hope. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I hate it to the point I want to have no hope--I would prefer death.

Your ex is not sober because it is not time for him to be sober. It is because he can't face many facets of his life, including the fact that he lost you. I imagine he had this problem long before the two of you met because he has perceived his life truths as unbearable for most of his adulthood, if not even in his childhood.

This does not belong to you. I know what it is to try to own it, fix it, manipulate it, work with it, heal it, support, love, hate, plead, and believe that your loyalty will be the one thing that turns the tables for this person. It was not my place to try to do such things in someone else's life. Had my ex not found sobriety out of love for herself, she would not have herself to credit. Somewhere, in her mind, she would believe she "owed" me a debt that she could never pay. Maybe somewhere in my longing to help her find a path to sobriety, what I really long for was for her to "owe" me so I would have the false sense of security that she would never be able to leave me like so many before her.

You are doing what you need to do. He must do what he needs to do. And each of you must do this separately, out of self-love and nothing more. It is hard, but not realizing it--well, that is harder still.

I congratulate you for self discipline and strength of will, which is clearly greater than my own. Perhaps I should be seeking your advice...

Love,

Arwen

December 22, 2003
4:55 pm
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julesFL
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Arwen- I dont have much time to write, but you seem so together with such good advice and knowledge-- I cant figure out why we are full of such good advice for others and not ourselves-- is that part of codependency?

Jules

December 22, 2003
5:14 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sometimes it's just a lot easier to see the forest for the trees when it is someone else. Not really a sign of codependency per se, just human nature. *smile*

December 22, 2003
5:17 pm
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Zinnie
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Ginger,

True point. Although in my case, I have been accused of being too analytical and over thinking things. Seeing too much in black and white.

December 22, 2003
5:18 pm
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Kessie
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Those of us who have been in this state for years know what is going on in our relationships. The problem often is though, that although you can analyse and intellectualise things until you're blue in the face, your feelings are still as strong as ever. The trick in life is to recognise these situations and feelings, and have a strategy for dealing with them when they arise. I thought I had long got over my 'co-dependency' problem, but when after many years, a situation arose where I was pulled into such a relationship again, I felt completely powerless to deal with it. I long desperetely for the company of my alcoholic, will do anything for him; and this despite years of being in a loving and satisfactory marriage with a wonderful man. Yes, I can discuss it, yes I can tell myself what is the best course of action, Yes I can see quite clearly the root causes and solutions of mine and of my acquaintances' problems in their relationships. But can I get out my own?? can I hell! I know eventually that nature will resolve it; that the pain and longing will wear off. In the meantime, distraction is the answer. Just keep busy, keep writing about it. Talking to others is talking to yourself
K

December 22, 2003
6:06 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sometimes I think that's what prayer is too, or what it should be. You're talking things out to God or the Universe or whatever higher power you believe in, and in so doing, you get some enlightenment.

I played a church service last Sunday and the priest had a really good sermon. He talked about prayer, and what we really are doing with prayer. Growing up, I always thought prayer was a chore or a pennance, you know, Catholic guilt and all, do something wrong, just say 50 hail mary's and all is forgiven. But this guy (it was a Lutheran church) said that prayer is sort of like how we would sit down with a teenage son or daughter and ask "so how was school today?" It's an effort to connect. Prayer gives us the opportunity to have that connection with our higher power. A teenager could just mumble "fine" or could launch into a detailed description of school, and their concerns, and maybe some dreams and joys, and problems that maybe you can help them with or help them find a solution to. That's what prayer can be for us too, as adults. It gives us a chance to check in with our higher power and gather strength, letting our higher power know how we are and turning to him/her/it for guidance or just an ear.

December 23, 2003
1:51 pm
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julesFL
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Well prayer is my main strength for now. I went to counseling this morn for what I call a "head check" to make sure I am not losing it and she gave me all this same advice-- it was kinda funny. I told her about this website.

He left a msg on my voice mail today saying how terribly I hurt him. It killed me to hear it. What I did hurt me too, but he does not see it yet. I did email him back this:

"One day you will understand it was time for me to let go, I will always care for you"

Is that horrible? It made me feel better, but I could have wrote 10 pages!! Thought that was a proper summary of my point.

December 23, 2003
2:04 pm
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arwen
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Jules,

Again, not terrible. Survival coping is what it is. There is value in it, so how can it be terrible.

I wish I was the "together" person you perceive me to be. If I were, I guess I wouldn't be cruising these threads anymore. I just know it is hard to let go, and it is lonely to the point of feeling compelled to return.

It makes me sick, toward myself, when I am confronted with situations that force me to recognize the power that is rightfully mine, that I continue to relinquish to others. Sometimes, I don't know "who" I am, or what the hell I'm doing, or what's right or wrong.

About the only good thing I can say is I don't give up. At least, not yet...

Arwen

December 23, 2003
2:07 pm
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Zinnie
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Jules,

How could that be horrible? That was actually a very sweet and to the point message.

These people think that they can "guilt" us into behaving. I have seen in time and time again in my life. Only in the last few years, and truthfully in the last few months have I said "NO, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT."

I will do what is best for me, my husband, my children.

You are doing what is best for YOU. And, that my dear... is being healthy.

Love,

Zinnie

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