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I finally did it -RW
December 17, 2008
3:00 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Well I had talk with my husband yesterday. I told him that he married someone with a lot more emotional needs than the average girl. That I need a lot more emotional support than I have been getting. He told me that he needs counseling and medications I told him that I do to. He said that we are polar opposites. He is angry and cynical and well Im not. At this point he is really really afraid of loosing me. He asked me If i planned on leaving him and I told him that I only would leave if something really bad happened then he told me "Like things staying the way they are huh" I couldn't argue with him. Even though we didnt get anything really figured out I can feel a change in our relationship I am going to watch for the honeymoon period as always happen cause I need so much more from him. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

December 17, 2008
3:03 pm
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Randomwomen2
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But yesterday was the best day I think weve ever had together it was wonderful. What im afraid of though is that hes going to charm me in until hes not worrying about me leaving any more then go on to treat me like crap

December 17, 2008
3:14 pm
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CAMER
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yay for RW!! just don't let him charm you then go back to his old ways!! alot of people do that, be nice and change for a month or so, then BAM back to the old ways.

You know what you are up against and make sure he gives you positive changes for the long haul!! and don't settle for less.

I am happy you stood up for yourself and said what you had to!!

(((camer)))

December 17, 2008
3:16 pm
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red blonde
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((((Random))))

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Now don't go back to the way things were...both of you move forward with this...go get counseling for the both of you!

You go, girl!!!

December 17, 2008
6:42 pm
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CrazyPink
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Good for you Dear Random

December 17, 2008
7:00 pm
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Good job Random. Glad to hear it. Just continue to go forward.

December 17, 2008
8:32 pm
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PreciousG
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(((Random)))

Wow! What courage you have! I am really proud of you for standing up for yourself! GREAT SELF-CARE! I am so happy that he had such a calm and seemingly understanding reaction to your conversation! I know that had to be scary for you but you did and survived! This is so AWESOME!!!

Now you just have to show your husband and yourself that you mean what you say! HOw do you so that? Well, with very small steps. Keep the communication, open, honest, and repsectful. Perhaps, Have another conversation to discus what you would both like to change and how you both can accomplish those changes. I think that the key to these conversaions is to first keep them brief, be specific about what it is that you need from yourself and from him, most importantly set realistc obtainable goals for yourself and for him.

I really am so proud of you Random! This is huge! I know that you can be successful in healing!

Precious

December 18, 2008
2:02 am
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Randomwomen2
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ty all I do feel better after talking to him I am so afraid though that we wont work. Yes yesterday was great but today was not so great I know things wont totally change over night but im so scared that we wont work.

December 18, 2008
7:54 am
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CAMER
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RW, that's when you have to decide, do you want a relationship that doesn't work?? Just know that YOU gave your best, and don't worry about the future right now, heck who knows maybe your hubby will change for the positive. Remember, one day at a time!!

December 18, 2008
9:29 am
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(((Random)))

You should be sooooo very PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!! You have done something remarkable in your journey forward. You stood up for yourself, and did so with dignity and courage...HOLD ON TO THAT!!!!! It will prove challenging at times, but make the choice, and be determined, to hold on to this. You are worth every second of life! And worth every good thing that will come your
way.

You have made the statement that you fear you two may not make it. You have worried and pondered and freted and TRIED for so long over your relationship, and as we all have read, he has refused to work even half as much as you. Random...then you can be proud of yourself! You tried everything. You have given years of opportunity for change. You can NOT make a person do what he DOES NOT WANT TO DO!! You have been the bigger and better person here. NO, you are NOT perfect...NO ONE walks on water...but damn, girl, you keep trying to get it right. And he keeps THINKING hes got it right. Years later, he MAY see the truth, that he did not, does not and will not have it right...until he takes off those rose colored glasses. Love yourself, Random, so you can love your children properly, and give them a better example than their 'dad' is giving them.

December 18, 2008
9:46 am
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pilot_tress
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(Sorry, my p.c. keeps shutting off)

Random, I stayed with my ex for 24 1/2 years. It was very abusive. A lot of what you go thru. I separated from him 5 times, the longest was 9 mos. I kept going back...1st for my 5 kids...2nd because I loved him, and thought that perhaps I did not try everything. No matter how much I tried and tried and TRIED, he thought he was Mr. Perfect and needed no changing. Sure he told me he would do counseling, he would change for a SHORT time, but nothing truly changed. He had cheated on me while telling me I was crazy to suspect him, he was HEAVY into porn...yada, yada, yada...Sweet, you are young and can change your situation. It CANT be any worse than what you are suffering now, to be on your own and giving your boys a new viewpoint on life...a GOOD example! They love you and NEED you to be hat for them, a good example, teaching them what healthy love is, not what their Dad is teaching them. Like Billy said, they are sponges..they KNOW!!!!!!!

A million hugs!!!

December 18, 2008
10:26 am
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Randomwomen2
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ty sweetheart I guess im struggling with to many things right this moment. I do have to keep strong and if it doesnt work I cant blame myself for it like I blame myself for everything.

December 18, 2008
11:23 am
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Zebra
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Randomwomen2

I am PROUD OF YOU and YOU BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. You stood up and said what you needed to say and that takes so much courage.

If he does not step up and keep up the work and make the changes necessary, then you will be faced with the descision to move on for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. Give it some time but not forever, K.

Listen to your gut and you will know.

December 18, 2008
11:37 am
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Randomwomen2
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ty sweetheart. The last time I gave it 3 years just to wind up close to where I was before. I just dont know exactly how long is an appropriate time. 6 months a year? I just dont know

December 18, 2008
1:53 pm
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PreciousG
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Random,

It is not so much the thime but the effort that you and he both give to changing. If he is not demonstrating ginuine effort toward change then I would say that you have your answer.

December 18, 2008
1:58 pm
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Randomwomen2
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The waiting to find it is killing me my stars. The first day was great the second day not so great. I'm hoping that the first day wasn't just a fluke

December 18, 2008
2:27 pm
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Zebra
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RW

Track it on a calendar or some journel. Each day right down how the day was and what you did and what he did...after each month, look at the writings and see if progress is happening...if not, you will know.

You will also no by his actions and your gut feelings.

December 18, 2008
2:29 pm
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PreciousG
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Random,

Change is not an instant thing if it were then it wouldn't be real. For change to be real and lasting it must evolve over time. You are going to have days that are not so great, great, oh hum, and some that are well just days, if you will. And guess what that is all normal. Think about it Random, change is dificult, scary, and very exciting. BUt when you are trying to immpliment new behavior you may have what behaviorist call an "extinsion busrt". What that means is that the behvior that you are trying to change may suddenly get worse and increase before it gets better. It is all part of the process and is very normal.

When one is trying to do things differntly then what they have been accustom to doing there is going to be anxst, frustration, and may be even rebellion. Again all part of the process.

Also, when one is in a relationship and one person is behaving differently, trying to establish boundaries, assert ones-self, etc the same things that I mentioned above is going to occur. I mean you are changing the rules here on him. He is not used to you standing up for yourself. He is used to calling all the shots and being in control. Now you have attempted to shift the balnce of power in your relationship. He may be at first affraid, and try to please you and say what he thinks that you want to hear inorder calm his nerves. Which he did.

I think that the ball is back in your court to attempt to make some concrete plans of acction for the change that you are seeking. Right now it is just words. You have to now show him that you mean what you said.

Do you have any idea how you plan to achieve this?

December 18, 2008
2:34 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I haven't the faintest on how to do this. Ive never stood up for myself with anyone.

December 18, 2008
2:40 pm
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PreciousG
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How did/does it feel to standup for yourself?

December 18, 2008
2:43 pm
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Randomwomen2
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He thought that because I was standing up for myself that I was leaving him So its new to him too

December 18, 2008
2:44 pm
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PreciousG
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Ok. But how do you feel about it?

December 18, 2008
2:47 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Oh sorry I had misread what you wrote. I was really relived at first but now I feel about the same as I did before I talked to him

December 18, 2008
2:53 pm
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PreciousG
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Like a weight had been lifted. Now you are unsure and scared because you have know idea what to expect from him.

December 18, 2008
2:55 pm
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Randomwomen2
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yes Im starting to expect nothing from him though cause if I expect any change at all i will just be hurt

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