Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I finally confronted my mother......
December 28, 2008
11:31 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My mother and I have always had issues. On Thanksgiving, my daughter had a huge fight with her dad (my ex), and she stayed in bed all day crying. My ex has been fighting with my daughter for over 2 years, his latest trick is suing me for 50% custody of her so he won't have to pay child support anymore. When my daughter told him she didn't want to live with him, he told her she was a "financial burden", and pretty much refused to speak to her. She was terrified of Xmas on his side of the family, worried about what he would say to her. He told her that his whole family hated her. Anyway, I called my mother to tell her that we wouldn't be coming for Thanksgiving dinner, and her reaction caused a huge argument. Basically, her reaction was...get her out of bed because her cousins and I expect you both here and we'll be disappointed if you don't show up. I told her that I didn't really care who would be disappointed, and that I needed to take care of my daughter and myself. We didn't go.

A week later, I went to her house and confronted her about her reaction to me that day, and tried to explain that I needed to take care of myself and my kids right now, and that I was sorry if I disappointed her.

In the past few weeks, I have not seen that anything has changed. In fact, it has gotten worse. Her little digs and comments that cut to the bone are increasing, and I don't know that she has heard me at all. She went to visit one of my sisters for xmas, and arrived home yesterday. She didn't call me to pick her up from the airport (which I do at least 3 times a year when she travels), but called as soon as she arrived home to let me know she was home. I called her back, and got off the phone feeling hurt and depressed.

Last night, I wrote her an email to let her know how I feel. This is it:

Dear Mom,

I have several things I need to say to you, and I just can't seem to bring myself to say them when we talk on the phone. I tried the week after Thanksgiving to come and talk to you, but I am not sure I made myself clear.

I'd like to reply to some comments you have made in the past few days. I want you to know that the things you say hurt, whether that is your intention or not.

When I gave you the check for the money I owed you from vacation, your comment was, "That was 6 months ago!", and you rolled your eyes. I am sorry for that, mom. If I would have had the extra money to spare, I would have given it to you. C has been way behind in child support payments, and I had to hire a lawyer and pay him a large retainer. Tuition for C and getting him the things he needed for college just really put me back this Fall, and I am sorry that it took me so long to get the money to you. I did the best I could.

If you wanted C to pick you up from the airport, I really wish you would have asked him. The comment that you didn't think he would be awake or you would have paid him the $45 was not helpful, after the fact. The comment that you didn't want to "bother" me was also hurtful. I don't know what that means, mom, unless you feel I complain every time I take you to the airport. But talking about the amount you paid for cabs to get there, and then acting as if it would have been impossible for me or C to take you or pick you up really hurt my feelings.

As for college, I am trying to guide him and encourage him to find his niche. I don't think it is helpful for him to hear you say that he doesn't know anything about being a lawyer, and that it isn't like it is on TV. I don't think it's helpful for him to hear that you think he should have a job at school, even though there are no jobs available on campus. Or that he better graduate in 4 years. He is doing the best he can, Mom.

As for K, I know she isn't what you would want her to be either, and so does she. You make comments all the time about how quiet she is, and how she doesn't talk to anyone. The comments about her going to church with her friend, and wearing too much eye makeup, and not doing anything but text messaging her friends...none of those are productive. She has been through more than you will ever, ever understand. You made that clear on Thanksgiving, that you just cannot understand how difficult all of this is for her. And your negative comments do not help her at all. I thank God every day that she hasn't turned to drugs or drinking or worse with what she has been through.

I am sorry that K and I did not get your leaves raked the way you wanted us to. Fall is a busy time for us, and we had a lot to deal with this Fall. Her transition to high school wasn't easy, and I was going through a custody hearing, and a very busy time at work, with a student intern assigned to me who made my job more difficult. It didn't help when you would call me and tell me that you turned down people who came to the door wanting to rake your leaves. It didn't help when you called me and complained about how much your back hurt because you had to rake all day since I didn't bring your leaf blower back to you. It didn't help when you left messages on my answering machine because K was 5 minutes late coming home the day you were to pick her up to come rake at your house.

I am doing the best I can Mom. The B+ grades I earned in high school weren't good enough, because I should have had A's. I am not in high school anymore, but I still feel like nothing I do will ever please you. But, little by little, I am learning that I don't need to please you. I need to take care of myself, and my children.

Telling you how I feel, and letting you know what my boundaries are is the first step.

I hope you understand this. I am not trying to hurt you. I just have to keep myself from self-destructing by allowing your comments to make me feel like I am not a good person. I have to do this for me.

************************************

So, I just sent this email, and I'm worried as hell about the aftermath of it. I have no idea how she is going to react. Or if anything will ever change. At this point, I don't really care if it does. I know she is 75 years old, and I can't expect her to change. But, at least I will be able to have the guts to tell her how I feel about the things she says and does to me. Maybe that will make my life easier. I don't know.

Here's my dilemma....did I do the right thing by trying to set my boundaries the first time around, in person the week after Thanksgiving? And, when nothing changed and things only got worse, should I have gone ahead and sent her this email to let her know how I feel? I'm just sitting here worried about what will happen next.

Oh...one more little detail. My mother just came into a LARGE sum of money, and she decided to give each of us a gift for xmas. Each one of my sisters and their spouses got a large sum. I, the only divorced person in the family, received half of what each of the other households received. My sisters all make 6 figure incomes, and so do their spouses. Their annual incomes are at least 4 times what mine is, and they own their houses outright. I still have many years to pay on my mortgage. I work in education, and am single, and will never in my life see a 6 figure income, even after 30 years at the same school. I don't know why this bothers me, but I look at my own two children and think about what I would have done if the same thing happened to me. I think if I had one married child and one single child, I would give each "household" the same amount. Factor in to this equation the fact that my family all live out of town, and I'm the one in town taking care of my mother....and when they all come to visit, we put them up in our houses and cook and clean for them for days on end. When my BIL was here at thanksgiving, he complained that my mother served dinner on paper plates two days after Thanksgiving, and made her sleep on a couch so that his 9 year old son could have a bed. It just maddens me to no end that this man, who treats my mother so terribly, just received a huge sum of money from her. Why can't I just appreciate a gift and leave it at that.

Any advice would be much appreciated....

December 28, 2008
12:26 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OH, Ready!!

Reading this just makes me want to scream at your mother. She sounds so much like my parents. Bitch bitch bitch and whine, treat you like crap when you're doing what you can to help, trying to be a responsible person and dutiful daughter. And then the SLAP with the money thing!!

She has no compassion or understanding for your situation. Your poor daughter, my heart just breaks for her. Her father is so mean to her.

(((((Ready)))))

I've been going thru something similar since my mom died and I found out that they had lied to me for many years about what their intentions were about the inheritance.

OF COURSE you should be upset about how she divied things up. That is NOT fair by any means. It doesn't really matter how much your sisters and their husbands make, what matters is that she decided to make you and your family worth half as much as the others. And that STINGS, and in my opinion is hateful. She's being mean and manipulative and hurtful. YES, it should have been given out in equal amounts for criminay sakes. Unbelievable!!

Did she give an explanation as to WHY she thought that was a sound decision?

I understand that you are trying to be grateful for what she DID give you, but I also understand that you are trying to cover up your own hurt.

I also understand that you're afraid of her reaction. I once had to tell my mother off (after she killed my cat). I got shit faced drunk and let her have it- said everything I thought about her and how she treated me my entire life. I didn't talk to her for 8 years after that, and even tho we eventually did talk it wasn't about anything that mattered.

But you know what? SCREW her! Let her stew and be proud if yourself that you finally spoke your mind, carefully explained yourself in a calm manner, and I applaud you for being level headed.

IF she doesn't understand (she probably won't) that is her problem. Now you just need to protect yourself and your kids, and not expect anything from your mom that she is incapable of giving. You deserve better than what she is doling out to you.

sd

December 28, 2008
1:01 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((sd))) thank you so much for reading all of that...I can't believe how long it was when I went back to read it. There is SOOOOOO much more I could have written about things that have happened over the years. Like the fact that when I was a kid, she would take my 2 older sisters to Broadway shows but leave me home to babysit for my little sister. Or, go off to football games with my dad, and expect me to babysit and have dinner ready when they got home. I cannot remember one time that she woke up in the morning before I went to school to see me off, or came to see a sporting event I played, or allowed me to have my friends over to spend the night.

And I am angry at her for questioning me when I told her I had filed for divorce saying, "Don't you think you are being a little too sensitive?"...this after I told her that my ex had not talked to me in almost a year, removed all of my pictures from the house, refused to eat dinner with us, telling my kids I poisoned his food, accused me of having affairs (in front of my children), and on and on. Too Sensitive? WTF? And, to top it all off, she then told me that she knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, because her father was an alcoholic, but she didn't tell me either of these things because she figured I wouldn't listen. THanks, mom.

Thanks for your feedback, too. Why is it that when I try to enforce my boundaries, I feel bad? I credit my BF of a year for helping me to see that boundaries are a good thing. Unfortunately, he has created a monster, and sometimes he has been the guinea pig in all of this. (((S))) he deserves a huge hug for all he has been through with me.

I feel TERRIBLE about the money thing, mostly because I did something I shouldn't have done to find out about it. You see, because I am the only child who lives in town, my name is on all of her bank accounts. She and I bank online, and since my name is on her account, it appears every time I log in to look at my bank account. She knows this. Anyway, I actually noticed that about $30,000 extra was deducted from her account, and clicked on the link to see what was happening. I then realized that there were 7 checks written (to each of my sisters, me and all of their spouses) instead of just 4 checks to each household. In this way, I realized that each married couple received double what I received. And I just didn't think that was fair.

She hasn't read the email yet, and I don't think she will until later today or tonight. I don't know how she will react. Maybe with silence for a few days. I really don't know. I have invited her to dinner Tuesday night since she wasn't here on Christmas....not sure that's going to go very well. Maybe she won't come.

I've just come to a point in my life where I will no longer be treated this way.

(((sd))) thanks again for responding...I really appreciate it.

December 28, 2008
1:11 pm
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((ready)))

I am so sorry that you are agonizing over your decision to express your feelings of discontent with your mom. You had every right to send that letter and you certainly had every right to try to establish some boundaries. Considering her age, it is unlikely that she will do much changing anytime soon. She reminds me of my mom with her roundabout attempts to make you feel guilty. She also seems to feel free to make comments that are truly inappropriate and/or uncalled for. What makes her think it is okay to be critical of you and your children? Your children are YOUR children, not hers. She has no right to make those type of hurtful and critical comments to them (or to you for that matter).

With regard to the money distribution, I completely agree that it was unfair of your mom to give each of your sister's families a double share. Why should you be penalized for being divorced? To be fair, your mom should have divided it into four equal amounts. That would have hurt me terribly, as well. Of course, it is her money to do what she pleases. But at the same time, she had to know that the inequitable amounts would cause you to feel hurt and betrayed. Did you have a discussion with your mom about this issue?

From what you described, it appears that you are the daughter who does the most for your mom (perhaps because of the close proximity). It is the same situation with me. I live very close to my mother so basically I am the one who is always called upon to help. My brother lives in a different state so only sees my mom a few times a year. Yet, she treats my brother much differently. They have a pleasant relationship, whereas ours is one of annoying, endless bickering. She irritates me to no end while my brother never sees any of that side of her. Your story really struck a chord with me.

When I complain to my mom (as you have done), she'll say things like "Well, no one else seems to be complaining." I will then tell her that no one else has to be around her as much as I do. And I suspect it is the same with you. You are the daughter she feels most comfortable with, most safe with, and most likely to be herself with. The old saying "Familiarity breeds contempt" may be at work here.

I realize how difficult and painful this is for you as she is your mother. However, you need to reassure yourself that you did nothing wrong and that she is the way she is and sadly, unlikely to change anytime soon. The manner in which I deal with it is to keep a healthy distance between us (well , to the extent possible). I have communicated (just as you have) my dissatisfaction with our relationship. There is nothing left for me to do. If she attempts to make me feel guilty, I call her on it (immediately). If she tries to tell me things that really are none of her business or concern, I let her know (immediately). You get the idea. Our respective moms are not going to change. But we can attempt to stop them in their tracks. Don't let those feelings (that you described) fester until you are at your boiling/breaking point. Let her know immediately.

A positive is that you have a wonderful relationship (with S.) and two equally wonderful children. Focus (to the extent possible) your energies on them. They are your priorities (as well they should be). I certainly understand that the rocky relationship with your mom is troubling you but you don't want to let it ruin the time that you have with the other significant relationships in your life. Try to put things in perspective. You articulated your concerns to your mom which I believe was a healthy thing to do. If there is an aftermath (as you fear might happen), then calmly tell yourself that she has her own set of issues. She is not or never has been perfect. You cannot change her so don't torment yourself trying. If she continues to be disrespectful and dismissive to you, then distance yourself and go about your business with those who matter.

Readyforachange, well, I do hope you are truly ready for a change. You deserve to live your life in peace. And that is a possibility if you make that choice. I know it is easier said than done but you are so wise and so intelligent and so SPECIAL. You can do this. You have taken healthy steps to move forward for a positive relationship with mom. The thing is she has to take some steps of her own, now.

Ready, I wish you the best. ((((hugs to your entire family)))))

sad

December 28, 2008
1:29 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((sad))) thank you for your response, and for all of the insight in to my mother's relationship with me...

Isn't it odd that both you, sd and I have similar relationships with our mothers? Does that mean anything with regard to our codependency issues?

Anyway, I think we posted at the same time...so I'm not sure if you read my second post in response to sd...

To answer your question, I have not had a discussion with my mother about the distribution of the money, because of the way I found out about it. She was NOT going to tell me about this, I know, and I found out about it in a way that I probably shouldn't have. I am sure that my siblings all know, though, and that bothers me too.

Yes, you are correct in your assumption that I do the most for my mother. My 3 sisters all moved away after college (25+ years ago), and I have never left our hometown. They live at least 500 miles away, so they visit once or twice a year, and talk to her on the phone 2-4 times a month.

My children are responsible for all of her yard work (grass cutting, snow shoveling, leaf raking, cleaning gutters, odd jobs around the house). She lives about 15 miles from us, so I usually have to load up all of the equipment into my car (she doesn't own a lawnmower or trimmer, etc.), drive to her house, wait for the kids to finish the job, and take them back home again. She pays them $20 to do her lawn, which doesn't even begin to cover the cost of my gas to get there, wear and tear on my equipment, and gas that it takes to run the equipment, plus my time (2 hours of my day each time we do it). In addition, she complains if we tell her we'll be there on a certain day and something comes up. She'll talk about how horrible her yard looks.

I'm also responsible for making sure she has somewhere to be every holiday. My sisters sometimes come in for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but never Mother's Day, Easter, etc. So each one of those days, I am expected to invite her somewhere. If I am invited to go somewhere else, I will ask her to go but she will decline, and make me feel guilty that she was alone.

I do all of her trips to the airport when she travels, and she doesn't drive at night, so anytime she needs to go somewhere at night, I take her.

I really don't mind helping her, that's not it. It's the little digs and comments she makes when I don't do it when and how she wants it to be done, and the way she gives her opinion about the way I'm raising my children or how they act.

I've just HAD IT and am not going to take it anymore.

December 28, 2008
4:02 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready: Sometimes it just takes getting to the boiling point for things to change- with us. We can't change or control what they do, but we can protect pourselves from the hurt they want to hurl at us.

I reached that point with my father 1 1/2 years ago and have made little effort to keep in touch- I sent a card for his bday and father's Day and Xmas- and thats it. He didn't even send me a card for Xmas so I am done.

At least your mom is giving out money while she's alive- my dad is a miser who has a pile of money but lives like a pauper. He won't be giving any of it up til its pried from his cold dead fingers.

My sister was homless for many years and has a kid (no father in the picture- we don't know who it is). So my parents took her in, then supported her and her kid. So they get the lions share of the inheritance 70%, and I get 30%. Because they need it more- WTF. My punishment for going to college, supporting myself etc is that I get much less than if I were to be homeless and crank out a kid. AND....I am expected to be executor of the estate....AND .....manage the trust fund for my neice- which is more than I will ever have in my entire life- and she gets it at 25. Little do they know that my answer to all of that is "F" that, and let my sister be the executor and manage the trust fund. Their motivation is that they don't want my irresponsible sister to have access to her daughters money, but they don't think anything of taking what was promised to me, have me manage for my neice. I am so burned about this.

Anyhow, I am proud of you for setting the boundaries. But- good question- why do we feel guilty when we do it?

I think I would feel more guilty now if I didn't set some sort of boundaries- because then we are allowing ourselves to be doormats.

But either way I feel punched in the gut.

(((((Ready))))))

sd

December 28, 2008
7:56 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((sd))) wow...you have quite a crazy situation on your hands.

You're right...I guess I am lucky that my mother is giving the money away while she is still alive. I'm not sure what the motive is behind that, though. She has been OBSESSING about this since she found out she was going to get this huge sum of money. Basically, she doesn't know what to do with it, and doesn't want to pay the tax on it. From what I understand, she saves the tax if she gives it away. That's why she gave EVERY person in the family this huge sum...because it's the maximum amount you can gift someone in a calendar year.

Your situation is interesting. I agree that you shouldn't be given any less simply because you are educated and independent. That sucks. I agree that it doesn't matter how much money my sisters all make...my point is that because I don't have a spouse, I'm getting half. I think you are wise to refuse to be the executor of your niece's trust. What a mess that would be...you'd be punished for being the responsible one. That just doesn't make sense.

It has been 8 hours or so since I sent the email. I doubt that she has read it, because I haven't had a response. Sending it made me feel better, though. When she does read it, I'm sure I will hear about it.

The waiting is killing me.

December 28, 2008
8:12 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready: I would be willing to bet your mom HAS read it and doesn't know how to respond. If you've never laid things out for her like that she's probably experiencing a range of emotions and doesn't know what to say. Maybe you shook her up, and that would be a good thing.

I understand about the max amt that can be gifted per year to avoid taxes. That still doesn't excuse your mom for giving you (and your kids) half the amt that the other families got. She could have made up the dif to you by giving it to your kids- for college fund, or whatever. It just doesn't make sense that she would divide it up the way she did.

People don't understand how devastating things like this can be to a person. I was telling a friend about this and she realized that how she had her will set up- more to the less accomplished kids and less to the more accomplished one sends a message that they love one over the other. After hearing me bitch about my situation she decided to change her will to be equitable to all her kids. Just because one has been more successful than another doesn't mean they are less deserving. What an odd way to think they are balancing things out. Sometimes I think my sister has played it right, as she certainly comes out on top and smelling like a rose, as well as getting her kid taken care of.

Don't youo wonder what goes thru their heads when they make deciosn llike these? Is it intentional, or are they just naive in considering other people's feelings?

Are you going to ask your mom why she did that?

I know that you're uncomfortable with the way you found out but since you are on her accts she had to have known you'd be able to see that.

I had a huge blowout with my dad about 2 years ago over this. He knows exactly how I feel about it. As a result, I am detaching from him as I now think he's crazy as a loon! and he'll just have to rely on my sister. I'm not going to be made a fool of, and I am angry I did so much to help him when my mom died, and this is how I get treated. Enough!

sd

December 29, 2008
8:19 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, I got 2 emails from her today in response to mine.

The first was very apologetic, telling me that she was sorry she had hurt my feelings, and that I had always been her most respectful and helpful daughter, and that she thinks in her old age she just says things before she thinks (she has ALWAYS been this way).

The second started by trying to make me feel bad....telling me she had gone to a funeral after she read my email, and cried through the whole thing and people must have thought she was crazy. Then she tried to justify each thing she had said or done that I had pointed out in my email, mostly by telling me that she was either trying to give "advice" or that she was just joking when she said those things.

I kind of wish she had not sent the second email.

I feel SO much better having told her how I feel. I feel like I can stop her dead in her tracks from now on, and let her know right away that something she says or does bothers me.

About the money, I am going to have a conversation with her about it. I don't think it is fair, and I want to know up front if she plans to do this "gifting" thing every year, in the same way she did this year. I also want to know about the will...I don't want to find out after she has gone that I'm going to get half what the other families get.

why are families so difficult...

December 29, 2008
9:31 pm
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready,

From what you described, it sounds as if your mom's response was a positive one. As far as the second letter, it is quite possible that she really had no idea that she was crossing boundaries. She probably really thought that it was perfectly okay to give advice even though it came across as criticisms.

I say your letter was a huge success. And it is so wonderful that you realize that you are in control of how she treats you in the future. Yes, stop her in her tracks. She seems receptive now.

And I agree that you should talk to her about the money distribution. You absolutely need to for your own benefit. Again, I have a feeling that she did not think this through.

Ready, you are doing great. I am so proud of you for confronting your mom about these issues. I truly believe that things will only get better from this point.

As always, I wish you the best in all of your future interactions with your mom.

sad

December 30, 2008
12:25 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((( Ready))))

I am proud of you for setting your boundaries with your mother. You are doing a great job and I applaud your efforts...

As far as her reply in the second e-mail, I hate it when another person will justify their actions by saying that they were "just giving advice or just joking"....

As far as advice, both of my parents do that to me... They give advice and sometimes it cuts us...

I know that setting boundaries are difficult to set and to maintain... But hang in there...

I care about you... and I admire all of your strength..

~Need

December 30, 2008
1:54 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((need))) thanks, honey...it was very hard for me to do, but I did it.

I did respond to her second email, and let her know that I don't consider it "advice" unless someone asks for it, and I don't consider someting a joke unless the other person is laughing with you.

I also let her know that my children see a difference in the way I act around her, and that I'm afraid to say things that might make her upset, or to stand up to her when she does those things to me. They also notice that she treats me differently than my other siblings, who all live far, far away. It's like the prodigal son story....every time they come in town, she rolls out the red carpet. For me, it's basically what she needs me to do for her on a day to day basis. A prime example of that would be that when my children were born, she might have come over once a week to see the baby. When my sisters have kids, she flies to stay with them for 2-3 weeks to cook, clean and care for the new baby while they recover. She lives 15 minutes away from me, but never offers to help me with anything. When I was married, she'd invite us all over to dinner. Now that I'm divorced, that never happens.

It's like I don't exist because I don't have a husband. And, she doesn't recognize S. at all....never talks about him or asks about him, and didn't invite him to dinner at her house on Thanksgiving. We've been dating for almost 14 months now. You'd think she'd realize that he's not going anywhere.

She's coming over for dinner tonight. It should be interesting. I've asked S. to come because he's been out of town for 4 days, and I haven't seen him. He's going to try depending on when he gets back in town.

Anyway, we shall see if she changes her behavior. I still need to have the talk with her about the money. It bugs me,right along with alot of other things.

December 30, 2008
2:50 pm
Avatar
Zebra
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Ready))0

I am proud of you for setting your boundries and for writing the letter. You have so much strength and wisome.

You give me encouragement.

December 30, 2008
7:41 pm
Avatar
tree_hugs_4life
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is a cool thread. Ready, you did great. Your e-mail to her is amazing.

From her response, it looks like you might be able to have a relationship with her that is satisfying to you. She's been taking advantage of you and your kids. It didn't look to me like she was TRYING to make you feel bad, it looked to me like she was trying to justify her behavior. Takes a big person to say "OMG I'm so sorry I really screwed up please forgive me and let me try again." And STOP at that period.

20 bucks for what your kids are doing for her isn't fair to your kids. maybe you can work something out with her on that front.

peace

December 30, 2008
8:05 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready- you GO girl. I am so proud of you for taking the steps and asserting yourself. Hopefully your mother will have a new respect for you, plus I think it will give you the extra courage you need to assert yourself with her. I think you're in the driver's seat now. YAY!

SD

December 30, 2008
9:40 pm
Avatar
Friendma
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((((((((READY))))))))))

December 31, 2008
12:15 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zebra....thank you so much for your kind words. I don't know about strength and wisdom, but I'm trying each and every day to take care of myself. It's a learning process.

tree hugs...it took all the gumption I have to send that email to my mother. It's been years of this type of behavior, and I should have confronted her a long time ago. I'm not sure she really hears, or will ever change, but at least I've let her know how I feel.

sd....I'm asserting myself in MANY areas of my life right now, and it's biting me in the a** sometimes. I'm not sure why all of the sudden, at this age, I feel the need to let people know how I feel. But I'm doing it. It may be the death of my relationship with my BF...he's running out of patience with me, I think.

(((Friendma))) thanks for the hug, as always 🙂

Mom came over for dinner last night. I had my BF here, and my kids, so she was on her best behavior. It went well, but I'm not sure how things are going to go from now on, when I'm alone with her. I'm going to give it a few days, and then confront her about the money. I'm not sure how that is going to go.

I appreciate all of your support...couldn't do all of this without you all!

April 7, 2009
10:50 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just an update for those of you who followed this back at the end of last year....

Things have been much better with my mom since I sent that email and set my boundaries with her. I have offered to do the things I could to help her, but told her I was busy if I didn't feel I could help out when she wanted something done.

As for the money issue, today she called me and told me that she was going to give my family the other half of the money she gave the rest of my married siblings. She told me that I got shortchanged because I only had one adult in my household to whom she could "gift" the money in 2008, so she would give me the other half this year. I didn't know what to say. I sure wish she would have explained that to me when she did it, and now I'm wondering why she would tell me 4 months later that she had given my siblings twice the amount that I got because they are married. Weird. Maybe one of my sibs called her on it, or she just realized it was wrong.

Who knows. I sure am glad that I never got up the nerve to confront her about that. I was about to do it, but there was just never the right time.

Anyway, it is so helpful for me to see that setting boundaries and letting people know what I will and will not tolerate actually CAN work. I feel so much stronger!

THanks for everyone's support...

April 9, 2009
6:43 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

readyforachange, (and perhaps now - got it!)

KUDOS TO YOU!!!!!!!!

So nice to hear your great news!!!!

Sounds to me like the 'change that you were ready for" has come to pass 🙂

It's amazing isn't it? That when we set and stick to our boudaries....know what? The sky doesn't fall and the world doesn't screech to an abrupt halt!

Especially.....ESPECIALLY with setting boundaries with the ultimate person of 'authority' - aka - our mothers.

Huge, HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!!!!!

You go sweetie!!!!!! 🙂

April 9, 2009
7:02 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tbt...

Thanks for the positive feedback.

My name was chosen almost 5 years ago when I was filing for divorce and ready to leave my ex. But, I've found that there were many more changes I was ready for in my life. One by one, I'm making them happen.

My mother finally "gets" my boundaries, I think. She has been far less negative with me, especially when it comes to her comments about my kids and their choices in life. I called her on many, many of the things she says to and about them. Wow. It's amazing what letting people know what you will and will not tolerate can do.

I'm learning. Probably too late in my life, but I'm learning.

(((truth))) thanks...

April 9, 2009
7:43 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready,

You are sooooo welcome!

Hey - as far as the change coming later in life - so what?

So big, hairy deal!!!!!

You know?

Some folks NEVER get there - so regardless of age, you are STILL ahead of the game!

As far as finally owning our power - know what I realized?

You/me/we actually EXUDE a powerful, unspoken sense about ourselves simply by our newfound presence.....but is so much felt, sensed and unmistakable by others.

(Funny how that works - isn't it?)

Others can just somehow 'sense'....NOT to 'go there' with you as they had in the past!!!!

Weird (and good) how that all shakes out!!!!

Who would have ever thunk?????? 🙂

April 10, 2009
12:03 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tBt...you're right. I am ahead of the game.

I recently had dinner with my ex-sister-in-law (she was married to my ex's brother). We hadn't seen one another in almost a year, and she had been very distant, which was unusual for us. We we very close before and during my divorce, and her ex happened to leave her just after I filed for divorce. Anyway, she finally agreed to get together for dinner, after weeks of excuses. When we did meet, she made it a point to let me know that I had been excluded from family events (Christmas party, her daughter's birthday)....and that she had invited the ex-in-laws to attend. It was very odd. She wanted me to see that she had this great relationship with all of our ex-in-laws, and that she had moved past our relationship. I didn't confront her about it, but I realized that our relationship had changed, and she was no longer vested in it. I won't contact her again. In the past, I would have been upset and hurt by this. Now, I realize that she is not a person I want to have in my life. We have grown apart, and I don't have the energy to invest in a relationship that is not productive or healthy for me. End of story.

So....I've learned and grown from that. I'm reevaluating all of my relaitonships. If they are healthy, I will continue to invest time and energy in them. If they are not, they go. If they are family, I set my boundaries and voice my opinions clearly. This is what I started with my mother in December. I also did this with my BF, and continue to set boundaries with him. It is a constant learning process. But I'm getting there.

(((tBt))) thanks for the feedback. Have a great day!!!

April 13, 2009
2:31 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

rfac,

(I just realized the irony of my post to you in saying...so big ole fat hairy deal in change coming later in life as I am struggling thru the same thing myself...)

Boy oh boy, are you ever on the right, healthy path rfac!!!

It's kind of strange, you know?

That to re-evaluate relationships and finally get to a healthy point NOT to invest anymore time or energy because it is NOT in our best interests....on some level, (perhaps possibly due to a sense of undue loyalty and obligation) I have to contend with this strange, weird sense of kind of being 'uppity' - you know?....in a way? - In setting those all important boundaries and healthy re-evaluations.

Makes perfect sense.

Guess you/I/we have to endure the temporary uncomfort of it all as we move forward - but well worth the effort....I'm thinking.

Keep up the healthy work and you have a great day as well!!!!

April 14, 2009
9:28 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tbt...I so get what you are saying.

You know, I was raised to make everyone happy. To appear "perfect". My mother actually told me I wasn't trying hard enough when I told her I was filing for divorce, and that my ex was an abusive alcoholic. I had never reached out to anyone, and pretended everything in my marriage was just fine. A few very close friends weren't fooled.

I'm now ready to STOP pretending for the sake of other people's comfort.

My father passed away two years ago. He was a wonderful man...but he was a workaholic, foodaholic and a very controlling, insensitive man. He had a stroke in his mid-60s, which left our family to tiptoe around a now brain-injured man who could go off at any moment. It created even more stress in our family, and nearly drove my mother insane.

Since he has passed, I find myself better able to stand up for things I will and will not tolerate. I don't care if people don't like me. I don't care if my mother is disappointed or angry at me for making a decision about my life or my children that she doesn't approve of. It's my life, and I will live it the way I want.

Last friday, Good Friday, I chose to go out to meet 8 of my girlfriends. We get together several times a year, and this was a day that ALL of us could make it. My mother had a fit that we would consider going out on Good Friday. I did it anyway. I really value these girlfriends, and wanted to spend time with them. If I burn in hell for it, so be it.

I am learning. Little by little. And it makes my life much more manageable.

I do have some friends I'm ready to let go of. And I'm really struggling with knowing what to do with my BF right now. I'm questioning our relationship a little, and have backed off quite a bit with him. I need time to re-evaluate where we are headed. I'm not sure we are on the same page in this department, and I need to be. I'm taking my time with that decision, though.

I don't know. Maybe it's my age that is making me question so much.

And if being confident and secure and knowing what we want makes us "uppity" then people are just gonna have to deal with that.

🙂 LOL

April 15, 2009
5:38 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

RFAC,

It is so inspiring for me to read your progress!!!!!

I'm glad that you got together with your gal friends for Good Friday, in spite of the ramifications from your mother.

Please continue to post your healthy behavior 🙂

I am afraid that I am not as far along as you are, but I haven't given up!

You know, I have been working on a theory of sorts. It has to do with oppression.

Not oppression as you would think of in the usual sense - but the general underlying dynamics all the same.

When I talked about the word 'uppity' - I couldn't help be reminded of the shallow and oppressive mentality that some white folks had towards black folks who saw their way fit to get an education.....aka 'uppity.' and move towards real equality.

I did just a skosh of research on the subject and find all kinds of examples for oppression:

Classism, Sexism, Heterosexism. Ageism, Religionism and Ableism (last one pertaining to able/disable folks.)

Yet, I am not finding where oppression within a dysfunctional family unit is mentioned.

You know?

Yet, I think that it is very much present.

In the south, most of the whites oppressed the blacks from 'rising' and getting an education because, in part., it was not in their best interest to do so as free, slave labor definitely worked to their advantage.

I am a white female, but I soooo connect with Maya Angelou's poem of: "And Still I Rise" because it spoke to me in my own family-of-origin oppression.

That to 'rise' and go against the status-quo of oppression in a dysfunctional family has met with all sorts of overt and covert ploys to....'keep me down' - as it were.....because it was in their best interest (meaning my parents') to do so.

I am just thinking that there should perhaps be a new category to Oppression added to the ones I listed earlier......you follow me?

Maybe it could just simply be called: "Dysfunctional Family of Origin Oppression."

It's kind of making sense in my book.......

That the parental oppressors have a very clear and personal agenda to keep the children down - because it serves them well in that respect.

You know, if I am correct, at one time, the DSM actually rated homosexuality as an 'illness' to be 'cured.'

Just how ridiculous is that now, in this day and age!!!!

Perhaps the very real oppression dymnamics adult children of dysfunctional families feel might be liken to being in the same boat as years ago like when homosexuality....was thought as 'something to be cured' - as being something 'wrong' with the 'patient'....rather than just general oppression tactics and strategies brought on by the oppressors themselves?

Stuff like this keeps me up nights!

I hope to heck I am making some kind of sense here........

Oppression within dysfunctional family units exists!!!!!

Maybe (hopefully) as a society, we can start to see and understand this very personal dynamic which goes on and not make the oppressed out to be the ones that have the problem or are the ones to blame for their struggles........

tBt

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
33
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information