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I figured out his password!
November 3, 2006
3:08 pm
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jon668
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Okay. I caught my boyfriend of 2 years (I'm a gay man) cheating on in Sept before my birthday. He came clean and since then we have been going to counceling, et al. He also has curbed his drinking and is seeking help with that. I still don't trust him and am very verbal about when I feel insecure and or feel he is lying to me or doing something inappropriate. I even check his phone periodicall just to be sure...once again he knows because I do it in front of him.
Still It's only been slightly over a month.
Last night I was speaking to a friend before I left work. I jokingly typed his name into an email provider and guessed at a password. I guessed RIGHT! Dhould I go thru his email???Actually, I have. He still has emails from the guys (I mean a lot of guys). I also found out what websites he subscribed to.
I checked them out. He has deactivated all of his "ads".

So, now I'm torn. I feel giulty about this violation but I do not want to tell him IF FOR NO OTHER REASON: I weant to have this access to catch him if he cheats on me again.

Is this wrong of me? I feel like very torn.

November 3, 2006
3:21 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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dude, I am a gay man as well..so I can relate, but....

If you are so insecure about him and his cheating, is it really worth it to stay with him?? And you say he's deactivated all his sites, right? well that is a good thing. I WOULD NOT tell him you did this. He will be PISSED, and may just break it off himself.

You need to make the decision for yourself as to stay in the relationship or not. If you decided to stay...you really need to stop snooping so....it's not healthy. If he's goin to cheat, he's goin to get caught without you having to snoop. But in the meantime.....USE PROTECTION!!!!!!

November 3, 2006
3:27 pm
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jon668
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I just don't understand. We even discussed having other people in our bed. He still went outside the relationship.

I do need to stop focusing on him. He keeps telling me that I'm childish and immature. (I'm 35 and He's 43)

I guess this is just a symptom of my not deciding what to do about this screwed up situation.

My new question is this: How do I trust him again?

November 3, 2006
3:31 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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Trust is really hard to regain after it's been broken. You need to ask yourself, are you willing to share this person sexually with others? or do you want to be with someone who only wants to be with you? Me personally, I dont think I"m the type to 'share'...I cant deal with it.

I know it's tough. Relationships are tough enought, but throw TWO MEN in one and the problems are even worse.

November 3, 2006
3:34 pm
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truthBtold
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To my mind - since he screwed up in the past and the two of you are going to counseling - and you found out that he has de-activated his ads - that tells me that he is really committed to changing the errors of his ways. Plus - if he allows you to check his phone in front of him - that is also a "plus" to his credit.

Like anyone that has cheated on in a relationship...gay or not - it is up to the one who cheated to realize that it is now up to them to try and re-establish some sense of trust and credibility by being an open-book and allowing you the freedom to ask any and all questions in the interim to work at trying to establish a foundation of trust again.

But - like the Miss.... suggested, it would be for your own safegaurd to use protection anyway!

November 3, 2006
3:35 pm
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taj64
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Hey Im not gay but this is a relationship issue no matter what sex you are. Ask yourself, do you want to be in a relationship where you cannot trust. Trust in key elment in any relationship. You don't trust him. Otherwise you would not be tempted to snoop. You're violating his privacy. How would you feel if he was snooping in your things? Some would say you have a right to check since you do not trust, but i feel why bother? It only feeds your insecurity more. Oh sure you will feel relieved for a second if you do not find anything but only a matter of time before you do find something and then start the process all over again. My solution would be to talk it over and discuss your insecurity and get reassurance and go with your gut instinct. On my end I'd say if there were a lot of guys then you really should rethink this relationship. He means he is not serious about commitment to one person. I think you should get some counseling alright, but get some for just you so someone can hear your needs and your needs alone without him there. Focus on yourself, not on him and what he is doing. You cannot do a thing if he cheats or not. The drinking alone is enough to worry about but then you have him cheating on you. You have a double whammy, trust with drinking, trust with being faithful. I'd be really questioning if this is worth wrecking your life over and living insecure like this. It is no way to live. Keep your options open.

November 3, 2006
3:38 pm
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jon668
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We had that conversation about having 3 ways, etc. I expressed that is NOT what I want. I also told him that I did not want to share him but I tried to be open.
We did, at one point, have two guys over...they weren't into the group sex thing, so, they left. Afterward, we got into an arguement and he punched me in the head. The next day he stated that he was jealous, that's why he hit me.

I think I need to chalk it up to him being physco and wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

November 3, 2006
3:39 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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Dude, if he HIT you....that's enough.

You need to get out of the relationship. PERIOD.

November 3, 2006
3:43 pm
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veggiemom
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Well, I'm not a gay man, and sorry for barging in here, but....I have been wondering this: is anybody really the "type to share"? It seems to me that if you're in a committed relationship there would always be one person who wanted to bring others in and one person who went along with it(maybe even thinking they wanted it)to hang on to the relationship, or keep the other person happy, keep them from straying, whatever.

My ex wanted us to bring in another woman and even though the thought made me edgy I eventually started thinking I wanted it too. Ihave been trying to figure out if that was really what I wanted or if I was doing it for him. I guess it gets confusing when you are with a manipulative person who knows how to work you to get what they want.

November 3, 2006
3:47 pm
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jon668
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Veggiemom,

I know I do not want to share. I want to cherish someone and have them do the same for me.

Thefunny thing is....when it's him he is okay with anything and everything. If I get involved. He freaks out.

I was willing to suck it up but it made no difference. ow his tune has changed but I need to work on the trust. By his own account, he has done group sex to be the center of attention because of his self-image issues.

November 3, 2006
3:54 pm
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taj64
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OK that you have now added two more things to add to the plate of reasons to leave. Abuse is #3 and #4 compromising your own values/morality for somebody else (doing something that you do not want to do). This guy is NO good. He is not respecting you or taking care of you or the relationship. There is no reason to trust him. He doesn't value you as a partner. It is amazing how far or how convincing someone and getting them to believe something is what they want too when deep down inside you really don't and you do it because of your deep feelings. And it is amazing that the very few good things he does, holds you enough to allow you to stay. It is really about deciding what is best overall. It is much harder to leave a destructive relationship than a healthy one, believe it or not. I'd be thinking heavily on whether you should stay or go. But don't settle for this.

November 6, 2006
8:11 pm
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malibugirl
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My experience with this is once a cheat, always a cheat. If you two are arguing a lot, he's leaving his things around for you to find them--it sounds like he wants to end things with you but doesn't have the "courage" to do so--leaving it all up to you so he's not the "bad guy". Go ahead, be the "bad guy" there are plenty of other people out there for you!!

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