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i feel so sad right now....needing love
August 26, 2007
9:11 am
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justmakinit9
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I feel so sad today. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I have to start school again on Monday and am afraid of what this year is going to hold for me or maybe it's because I am meeting new people and freaking out because I have to figure out how to spend time with all my friends. I also miss my counselor...there is so much I need to tell her. I need to cry for her, i really do....and i just feel some sort of emptiness right now that nothing seems to be able to fill. I was going to go to the animal shelter and play with the kitties because that usually makes me feel better but all i feel like doing is sitting in bed and crying....like i need to cry. i don't know what it is.....

I guess i should just get on with my day and go and do fulfilling things and see if that helps any....i hope its okay that i posted this....its just such a bummer whenever i realize that im feeling down again.

i went back through an old journal that i had lying around from my freshman year in college before i transferred to where i am now....it was full of pain and all the pent up emotions that i had during that time(my parents divorced a week before i went to college and my mom moved away the day after my 18th birthday...) i just really wish i had listened to my friends and gone to counseling then...but i was just so afraid and always felt like i could handle what was going on when in all reality i couldnt.....and i look at myself now and realize how much better i am doing but it still makes me sad to think about all the years that i "wasted" not getting help or reaching out to anyone.....i almost wish i had been able to find this site back then....i'm not a senior in college and looking back on the past is painful.....

anyway--Ras--i hope you had a good rest of your week at work and that you didn't get too drained and i look forward to talking to you again tonight.....thanks for reading this by the way and i am really sorry its so long, i guess im just feeling a little confused right now..... oh and i took your advice the other night and took a bath.....oh it was amazing and relaxing and i slept so well that night...thanks! 🙂

i guess i just need to cry or something but i dont want to do it alone and i just feel so unloved right now...i wish it wasnt like this-there are people all around me who love me and care about me im just having a hard time letting that love in......any suggestions? i hate feeling sad...

August 26, 2007
11:09 am
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euqcaj
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Wow! I have had those feelings too. The crying, and feeling guilty because there was so much to be thankful for. It's not a fun place to be in. I am sending you a hug, I hope that helps. I know the pain you describe. I hope that helps. I also understand your question of "what do we do about it?"

That's difficult for me too. I am just realizing a whole lot of things about my life,...and "where do I go from here?" type of questions. I'm reading the book "Codependent No More". I'm just getting started so I don't know a lot. Just absorbing. The one thing that stood out to me so far was that it appears I've been coping all my life. That was a big realization for me. I'm tired of coping.

I hope we can "talk" more in the future. My name is Jacque. Happy to meet you. I believe if we all share, we will get better.

If you need to cry,....cry. I seem to feel better if "I let it all out". Then get up and then "take one step at a time". Easier said than done, right? But maybe knowing that I have felt just like you feel right now, will help. I hope so.
Love,
Jacque 🙂

August 26, 2007
11:12 am
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alien
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justmakinit9

Sounds to me like you gotta cry! Do it! Can you put into words why you may hesitate to cry when you feel you have to? Are you afraid it will make you feel worse if you give into it? I dare say you will feel worse if you do not! Crying is amazing. It is essential! When you have purged some of your emotions by crying, you will be more in tuned intuitively. You will know what you need to do to help yourself feel better. If i am wrong, oh well. But for me it works! I know how you feel. Please post again with an update! Hope you feel better soon! You are not alone!

August 26, 2007
3:06 pm
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justmakinit9
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Jacque and alien-thanks for responding..

Jacque-thanks for your kind words...i feel somewhat better now, still feeling kind of empty...but i was sick last night so that didnt help any.....oh well...i wish i could let myself feel every emotion that comes my way but i have a tendency to avoid them if i dont want to feel them....

alien-i don't know what holds me back from crying...i think i have just been so wrapped up in myself for so long(meaning i never shared anything with anyone...) that im just used to keeping it all in and not letting anything out....so its often really hard for me to cry..it seems lately that the only plac ei allow myself to cry is when i am by myself and nobody else is around....i cant even seem to cry in front of my cousnelor, which makes it all so much worse.....although i have made up my mind that when i see her(my counselor) tomorrow i will cry..because i just cant hold all of this inside me anymore...

thanks for the encouragement and i will keep posting as time goes on, this site always seems to help me get through the hard times, im so glad i found it!

August 26, 2007
4:24 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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justmakinit...seems like you are going thru alot of the same emotions as me. and for me the hardest part is NOT having anyone to talk to about it who will take the time to understand or not think i have gone off the deep end. and maybe i have..i don't know..but holding it in makes it a million times worse i can tell you that.

Crying is cleansing but sometimes i just get tired of seeming to cry all the time. I thought i was an overall happy person but now i am beginning to wonder. I just miss my best friend. I want her to come home. I am tired of waiting for that one in a million chance to catch her online and then beating myself up when i miss it.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And if you will allow me to vent...I am here to listen as well. Strength comes in numbers! 🙂

August 26, 2007
4:34 pm
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justmakinit9
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OopsADaisy....you may vent to me any time you need to, i will always be here for you if you need it...the funny thing is that i was actually going to respond to your post that you put up....and you posted here so ill just reply to you here..

thanks for the input...its true we are feeling the same things, maybe about different situations but i get tired of crying too..sometimes it helps but other time si just hate crying alone, it usually just makes things worse...

i do have someone i talk to every week--one of the greatest counselors ever and i loveher to death and i love our meetings but sometime si never accomplish what i want to in those sessions so i am really hard on myself...all of my friends AND my counselor have agreed that i am WAY too hard on myself...so i need to work on that...

so i hope you are doing okay and anytime you need to vent about something feel free to post on here or start a new thread and ill be sure to help as much as i can...

oh and i used to think i was happy but then i realized that i was just making myself numb to the sadness....and as soon as i let myself start to feel the sadness everything opened up and i began to figure thigns out...its painful and it sucks but i am healing, slowly, but i am healing...

anyway....((((((daisy)))))) thats for you and remember anytime you need to vent, im here, i dont mind listening...

August 26, 2007
5:23 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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just..thanks so much for your response..it means more than you know. sometimes this site can become so crowded etc that my posts get lost by the wayside and you end up feeling even more alone than you started. knowing i have somewhere to vent now gives me a sense of peace so thank u for that.

going back to your post..you said how you look back at your past writings and are sad for all the time you let go by. Try instead to look at it as..I am so glad i am not in THAT place anymore! Celebrate how far you have come. The past is passed and we can't change it no matter how hard we try or how much we want to. Believe me i have a million things i would like "do-overs" on but i have to keep pressing ahead and not beating myself up for things i can't change. 🙂

I believe i have a bright future...i just wish it wouldn't take so long to get here!!! But i guess we can only take things one day at a time.

thanks so much for the caring ((((just)))) i already feel strengthened!

August 26, 2007
6:03 pm
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Rasputin
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Oh hon I wish I could be there with you to give you a hug and keep my arms wrapped around your shoulders. Here is a (((Warm Hug))) hoping it would make you feel better.

You sound so young Just. Well, being older than you, one thing I have learned in my journey hon is...to never trust our emotions. Our feelings are like a roller-coster ride, they go up and down - meaning unpredictible, thus relying on them is unwise.

The best thing to do when you feel down hon is to follow your heart. If you feel like crying, find a quiet place where you can cry, or journal, to meditate or talke to a friend you feel comfy with.

We all go thru these emotions and feelings and feel sometimes really depressed. My last depression was last week and lasted for 3 long days in a row. I was during my monthly period Wedensday, Thursday and Friday. I went to the office feeling like a ghost. I had one Advil after another, but it did not seem to have any effect. I guess I should take 2 tablets each 4 hour, and I can honestly say that during those 3 days, I really felt that I want to disappear. I looked pale, awful, my sense of humour was drained even tho I shared smiles and laughs with co-workers, yet I was really drained. Worse off, I had a severe debilitating headaches during those 3 days in a row as well as muscular pain at the back of my neck.

I'm having an ultra-sound pelvian echography sometime in September and will be seeing my doctor. So, I'm a lil anxious.

I hope hon you will know that you're not alone in what you feel and will take heart in listening to our miseries. Just remember Just that feelings are deceptive and changeable. Don't give in to them.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

August 26, 2007
8:26 pm
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euqcaj
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Hello Justmakinit,....
I had somethings that you brought to mind, that I wanted to share with you.

You made me remember how much anxiety I had before school started. I couldn't go to sleep,...I was afraid to go to sleep. I was under 10.

I grew up in a household with alot of yelling. I hated that. And I do think it affected me as a little kid.

I also grew up and couldn't cry. It always came later,....way later. I also blacked out things that were painful to remember,....I think that's why I drank also,..because I hurt and didn't understand why. Emotionally insecure. I guess I still am, that's why I'm here. But we will learn.

I hope that by sharing this you will not feel so alone. I am wishing you the best.
Jacque

August 26, 2007
9:30 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((JustMakinIt))))

Sending you hugs and comfort to get you through this time in your life... I too have times when I just need to cry- it's fine to take some time to cry if that feels right... crying can be very helpful.

Hugs,
Chelonia

August 26, 2007
9:42 pm
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justmakinit9
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Jacque and Chelonia....thanks for your sweet words and hugs...it i shelping me to see how much support i have from friends on this site....this way i know that i never really alone even if i think i am...
it has been rough day and i just want it to be over so tomorrow i can see my counselor and let it all out....im having such a hard time crying...i think the only way i can cry this time is if i have someone with me....

thanks for your thoughts....

August 29, 2007
6:03 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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justmakin...checkin in with you and seeing how you are doing. How did the counseling session go? hopefully you are feeling better and today brought you lots of smiles. I still haven't gotten to talk to my friend yet but i am holding out hope. after awhile i think i just get numb to how much i miss her. Too hard to think about all she may be going thru on a daily basis and i can't be there with her. Anyway..hope you are well. Take care.

August 29, 2007
6:10 pm
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justmakinit9
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daisy!! good to hear from you! my appt went super well, we have finally gottent o the bottom of things and so thats a great thing.....

my counselor told me i should try lying down for part of the session and it worked wonders!!!! i was SOOOO open with her it was crazy and i told her so much and we were able to get somewhere so i'm much happier right now! 🙂

thanks for checking in with me! if you want to read more, i put up a thread called "progress...justmakinit9" on monday so maybe that one is still around....

I hope you get to talk to your friend soon and i hope she is doing okay..sending hugs your way...(((((daisy)))))

August 29, 2007
6:44 pm
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lost lady72
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Hi
Didn't read all of the above but did you not realise it was a lunar eclipse last night it messed with everyones head since last thursday, normally i would never say this out loud but it wrecked my head, only getting over it now cried for 2.5 days. It was beautiful but seriously notb worth it.

Hang in there

LL

August 29, 2007
7:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Just, two things you said hit me in the middle of the eyes...
1) its just such a bummer whenever i realize that im feeling down again
2) I always felt like i could handle what was going on

Depression first hit me when I was 10 but went undiagnosed.

Then I too suffered with the separation of my parents at 13. It was not only a reality I couldnt see (or accept) as coming and, as I said in my other post, it was done with a great lack of wisdom. I felt lost and lonely though we were 5 (me in the middle). My family didnt believe in therapy and if werent for greatgrandmother´s church I might not have survived my teen years. However, the lack of therapy then hurts even now. I started to hide my emotions, never dated and threw myself into books.

Now I wonder about your fear of school. In codependence its normal to want to fit in and please everyone. Are you having problems with academic material? If so, you can get help, right? I suppose you´d hesitate to do that too but you can. The one thing I wish I would have done differently though in college is to graduate without work experience. It made my work life a lot more difficult esp socially. Could it be that you can take it easy at college and ease your study load while you get some low pressure job to start your work life?

I just want to put my 2 cents in since your story is really similar to mine. Im almost 48 and I hate that besides turning codependent, I also turned dependant on others financially at times. This makes a crater in my self esteem. I know from my resume I can´t be lazy by nature. I dont believe anyone is. But circumstances and people (wrong marriage too) can undermine us. We have to be ready for that.

One thing that was enlightening to me was getting to know about "learned helplessness" where by one reason or another (over protection, etc) we are made to think we can´t help ourselves. Check it on google. You´ll like it.

I played quite a bit with my kitties today. Ras encouraged me about it. Sometimes they walk over you unnoticingly while dogs will make a detour to cross you. But they can be so meallow too! Its said cats are one of the most intelligent animals. Curious for sure, amusing most of the time, stuborn as can be, but hey, they are puppies, lovely puppies arent they?

hugs,

August 29, 2007
7:44 pm
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Anonymous
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PLS READ: To graduate WITH work experience !

August 30, 2007
12:26 am
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justmakinit9
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sini! thanks for that wonderful and insightful message....we are very similar in the sense that our parents separated...but it was even before that happened that i was just already avoiding my emotions and hiding inside my own head....i also never dated and always believe that everyone hated me before they even met me...i had very low self esteem and virtually no self confidence...it was really hard...and i look back on those times and it hurts me....BUT BUT BUT i just broke through a major major barrier in counseling and if eel as if im making progress FINALLY... i have an amazing counselor who cares deeply about me and i feel as if we have finally reached a point where i can be honest about everything with her now...i am no longer afraid to say things.....

also, my life is slowly panning out how i kinda want it to be...i am realiziing my potential and taking advantage of the school semester i have left...i am also being encouraged because my counselor and i have finally figured out what it is in my life that has caused me all this trouble and also what time period in my life that caused me the most trouble...i love finding thing sout about myself that i never knew!

I have worked some during college, i am actually a nanny now and i was a dishwasher before and when i wa sin high school i worked for my dads catering company and i also worked at a ski camp and a horse farm in the summers....so i have alot of work experience in different things but i think ultimately i want to go back to shcool in a couple of years and either study psychology or get my early childhood education degree...we shall see!!!!

thanks for replying, it means alot!!!! i hope you are well!

September 2, 2007
12:52 pm
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euqcaj
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Wow! Justmakinit! I am so happy for your progress! I can thoroughly understand your joy!! When we can figure out what makes "us tick" or do certain behaviors,....we can make a conscious choice to change. Best of wishes to you!
Jacque 🙂

September 2, 2007
12:58 pm
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euqcaj
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Hi! Just one more thing,...
I was just reading in Codependent No More,...about stopping the "beating up of ourselves", by ourselves. If we need to make amends, make them and move on. We do not need to stay in shame and guilt, even if someone else thinks we do. Move on. We did the best we could, we've made amends, move on.

When I read this it was like I was getting permission to move on. Very freeing. I think we continue to beat ourselves up over our past because we were not perfect, things did not turn out like they were supposed to, etc. This is what I have done,...continue to hate myself. I am doing much bette now, but still am fragile on that subject. I will continue to learn. We all will.

With love,
Jacque 🙂

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