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I FEEL SO EMPTY
September 18, 2003
12:32 pm
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OLDBABY
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I HAVE BEEN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 2 YEARS I AM 52 HE IS 37 HE ALSO HAS 3 CHILDREN . WE BOTH DID DRUGS BUT HE WENT TO REBHAB ALMOST 7 MONTHS AGO I DID NOT DO ANY WHILE HE WAS GONE BUT WE STARTED AGAIN WHILE HE WAS IN REHAB AND AFTER HE CAME HOME WITHOUT A JOB I STOOD BY HIM BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE STOLED FROM ME AND LIED BUT WE WERE STILL HAPPY TOGETHER BUT NOW HE IS SAYING TWO DRUG ADDICTS CANT BE TOGETHER I NEVER WANTED TO DO ANY BUT I ALWAYS LET HIM TALK ME INTO IT . HE FINALY GOT A JOB . BUT IS LAID OFF AND NOW HE HAS BROKE UP WITH ME AND MOVED IN WITH A GIRL HE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH AND SAYS HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN LOVE WITH AND MOVED TWO OF HIS KID IN WITH TO. SHE IS CLOSER TO HIS HOME AND WHERE HIS KIDS GO TO SCHOOL HE SAYS HE CARES ABOUT ME AND TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I AM SO LONEY AND DEPRESSED I FEEL I DONT WANT TO LIVE SOMETIMES I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNHAPPY I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH . ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY IT ALL HAPPENED SO QUICKLY.

September 18, 2003
1:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, the blind leading the blind is a scary situation. Sounds like he's in survival mode and doing whatever it takes to get on his feet. Granted he's probably using this other woman but that really doesn't surprise you, does it? And so he wants to keep you hanging on as well, huh? That's a bit warped, isn't it? And you love him for this?

Anyways, I think you need to concentrate on just you right now and getting your own life together and in order. You're old enough to realize that when someone pisses in your face like this you don't need to roll over and say - do it again!

Cry, rant and rave and do whatever but - get over it, too and move on. This guy is definitely using you and when and if you are around when he's done with her, he'll be back telling you how great you are.....

So time to smell the wind, girlfriend and not be a victim here.

September 18, 2003
1:38 pm
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unhappy camper
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I sorry for your pain.

He introduced you to drugs. You need to get off of them for good!

You said he had 3 kids but moved 2 in with the other woman? Was that a mistake or do you have one of his kids still?

He really thinks he is wonderful, doesn't he?

He is a dysfunctional man and is dragging you into chaos and suffering.

It will be like cutting off an arm and a leg or two....it will hurt like hell....but don't go on with him.

The pain will gradually ease off over time and you can get healthy and happy. YOU DESERVE to do that for yourself. HE is not going to do that ever. He is selfish and it's a dead end I'm afraid.

The longest journey starts with a single step. If you have one of his children...you may consider giving that child back to him too.

Let him take the responsibility, and if he can't handle it on his own, then let him find another victim to use.

I am going through the same thing myself and I am still alive. It hurts like crazy and I am lonely, but the future will be better for me.

Join me?

September 18, 2003
1:42 pm
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unhappy camper
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What I am finding now is that I feel that I still love him, the stinker. He is so awful. But I am going to keep this "love" feeling going for a bit because it helps. I am saying to myself "I love you...but it can't be".

I do love him when he is well and in control of himself. I am not going to deny my love for him. Nor my hatred at his extremely horrible behaviour.

All of it is true. I love him and hate him.

I am better of without him.

Someday I will stop loving him too.

September 18, 2003
3:01 pm
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gingerleigh
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Crying is OK. Being in shock is OK. And focusing on yourself is OK. Do you have any family or friends that you can spend time with? You don't have to vent to them, but just be around people and do something nice for yourself?

September 18, 2003
4:27 pm
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unhappy camper
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OLDBABY
18-Sep-03

his kids live with his parents and so did he until he went to rehab then he lived with me for a while but it was to far to drive back and forth. I quess I am just haveing a hard time beleiving that it happened so quickly I think he was only seeing her for about a month because just small things i noticed but everytime he came home from working out of state he always seem happy to see me, I just can't understand it I never asked for much of anything in return anytime he needed anything I always tried to help. I dont think I will ever get over feeling so used. I can't understand using someone you know loved you so much.

September 18, 2003
4:32 pm
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unhappy camper
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You never asked for much....he used you...

This is "co-dependency" and there are a lot of good books out there you HAVE to read.

Try the one called "Co-Dependency No More".

You MUST read up on this. You will be amazed to find out how many of us act the same and get mixed up with someone who likes that in us and uses us to their own ends.

Please read up on it and perhaps go to see a counselor too.

This is a hard lesson for us all here...we are all shocked and angry and sad and fed up and outraged with how little respect we got from out partners.

Keep posting in this thread ok?

hugs
camper

September 19, 2003
4:55 pm
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OLDBABY
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His kids live with his parents and so did he until eh went to rehab the he lived with me for a while but it was to far to drive back and forth. i quess I am just haveing a hard time beleiving that it happened so quickly. I think he was only seeing her for about a month because just small things I noticed but everytime he came home from working out of state he always seem happy to see me, I just can't understand it i never asked for much of anything in return anytime he needed anythin I always tried to help. I don't think I weill ever get over feeling so used. I can't understand using someone you know loved you so much.

September 20, 2003
11:54 pm
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Ladeska
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You gave and he took advantage of that. There is nothing else to see here. He used you. Get over it and away from him. Just because you believed he was someone else and that you deserved to have it returned to you doesn't mean - real life is like that. He doesn't have the same feelings, he's a different person, different morals, he fooled you. Shit happens and life sucks when you get into situations like this but you can't spend the next two years crying about - why did it happen!!??? You have to move on at some point and go - Okay fine, he's a jerk, I'm not and I deserve more than this. Bite me, use whoever but you're not using ME anymore bucko!! Get some backbone back into yourself here sweetie! No more crying in your cornflakes. Get it together and get on with your life! Who cares why he did what? None of it says one thing as to who you are! It's about who he is and that's for him to deal with and figure out. You just need to separate from it and not allow yourself to repeat history here.

September 21, 2003
12:51 pm
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ms.confused
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Ive never been able to understand why we blame ourselves for the things other people do to us. There are many men and women that both use and abuse us in some really unbearable ways.. we put up with it, try to fix them, blame ourselves and get depressed behind the things we have no control over. We get in this rut of "how we could have done this" and "how we could have done that" and "why cant he love me like he loves her," when in reality we are giving up who we are as people to substitute unhealthy behavior as love. I read something on relationships that kinda stuck with me.. here it is ...Loving relationships are based upon affection and appreciation not fear and manipulation. This guy he may love u the only way he knows how but is that good enough for you? Don't You feel you deserve to be treated more respectively? I do. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the bad feelings thatwe forget to take a look at ourselves and the things that we deserve for ourselves. We have to move on and work on ourselves and develop healthy patterns so that we will not entagle the same web we weaved once before. You are a loveable person. YOu deserve good things and more than likely this guy is not happy with himself doing the the behaviors hes doing but you need to move on and realize u deserve better and even tho it feels like the end of the world..Its really truely a wonderful new beginning. Ive been there.. I know it feels and it can be painful..keep posting and sharing.. pick up the book Codependent No More.. can really help you understand why we do some of these self-sabtozing behaviors. Take care! Glad to have you here. =]

September 21, 2003
10:42 pm
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scared2openmyeyes
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Hang in there you will hopefully come to the point I am at. Numb... can't cry when he leaves anymore. I caught myself wanting to cry and then I got pissed and burned all his clothes (as he only takes a little bit each time of his shit and certainly doesn't take anything he wouldn't want to loose).Smile at this I know it was wrong but it was just what I had to do at the time. Totally out of character for me! not telling you to do anything like this but you will find your own way of stepping towards sanity
I carried 42 pair of pants 23 T-shirts,37 dress shirts 2 ties along with 2 boxes of winter clothes..sweaters ect.. at least 40 pair of socks and 35 pair of underwear out to the drive way and I placed a 1 foot layer of clothing in a 5 foot circle, I poured on the lighter fluid (meant for the bar-b-q grill) and put another layer on then fluid untill I had it all stacked up there just as neatly as it was all folded in his drawers or hung in his closet I lit a smoke and put the match to the stack. I figured he took what he wanted and I really didn't want to go to the closet and see his clothes and cry anymore. I found myself ready to cry but for some reason I couldn't... not a drop!
Not sure why? But in a weird way it felt good. I called some friends and invited them over for a marshmallow roast! They came right over after I explained what I had done and what really scared them is that I was so calm..... it's only 2 motnths ago and he still using me but I drew at least one line...He does not live with me. Each day that passes is hell but I can see him for what he is and know that very soon I will get a gut full of "helping him out" (enabling) I have to do it in my own way and my own time and you will find your way eventually... Big hug to you,

September 24, 2003
2:14 pm
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OLDBABY
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I have been reading a lot about co-dependency but all of the signs do not point to me but some do . I did drugs with him to but I never lied to him never tried to steal anything from him. Or tried to cheat the dealers we bought from. I never even a lot of times wanted to do any but he would always talk me into it. I know thats sounds like I am trying to blame but thats how it was then it was almost like he blamed me because we did. Do I not have the right to feel used? I did love him very much. I want to ask why did you do me this way explain it to me face to face but its just like he dropped me out of his life so quickly not even a word.

still don/t understand

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