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I feel so DIRTY now... have you been there?
May 28, 2005
8:27 pm
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InPainZHT
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Okay, it's been about a week or so since I collected my things and walked out, having had enough... she already had the ex start coming back and staying the night with her, then runs him off; Now a fellow that she was "just friends with" has popped up and has stayed the night with her, and is now (with his 13 year old son) starting to do house work for her, mow the lawn, etc.

I am now sitting here alternating between feelings of "i'm such a damn fool" and "I feel so dirty, was I just another part of the rotation?"

Sheesh.... It's over between her and I but for some reason I just want to puke.

InPain

May 28, 2005
8:42 pm
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sdesigns
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In Pain: Our stories are so similar. I posted a thread last month re: "How Can I Feel Clean Again". I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. Do you still live next to her? I know that is my problem- living in the same complex and seeing it and hearing it. Its like the wound never gets healed- the scab gets ripped off every time I see or hear him, and the scar gets bigger. I am still saving money with the goal of getting out of here (I sure wish the stock market would go up so I could reach my goal!). I resent that I have to focus on getting rid of my home but that is the only solution I see to cleanse myself of this experience.

What you must do is remember that she is the dirty one, not you. I know it feels like the slime will never come off, like its an infection but I have to think there is a remedy for it. Only the sauve has to be mental and not topical. Thats the hardest part. If only there was a pill. SD

May 28, 2005
8:56 pm
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InPainZHT
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Sdesigns,

SO good to hear (read) from you again. Yes, I still live next door to her. OH, the things i've seen and witnessed the last 9 months. I guess it's a good thing, to feel deep in your heart that people are inherently good and aren't capable of looking you in the eye over and over telling you they love you... and keep doing bad things to you; also, to have them talk over and over about "morals" and constantly do things to show they have none; constantly have them set down rules about what you can and can't do, because of 'what other people will think', but then see them do things that shows that, deep down, they don't really CARE what anybody things, they're going to do what they want to do.

Insanity.

InPain

May 28, 2005
10:02 pm
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exoticflower
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InPain, I know what you are going through, and really want to send out condolences. It's a hard way to feel,and it's one of those things you just have to wait and work through. I have started to think that my ex really does believe what people think OF ME because my want for respect would have likely interfeared with his fun and self gratification, all the things he felt entitled to and did anyway--and if he where just worried about how things looked and so on, he could sabatage everything without ever admitting to himself his truely self absorbed, self obsessed nature. The things he would look me in the eye and lie to me about for no reason, going on one knee saying he wanted us to all be a family forever only to go out TWO WEEKS LATER with a girl he knew had a crush on him, within a week of our seperation, acting out in a crazy rage when I was upset, saying he had EVERY RIGHT to go out and have dinner with his good friend for 5 hours...I felt dirty, I still do, it was all lies, it all meant nothing, and our daughter be damned to boot he's just a party boy.But at the same time, this sort of denial of themselves and their emotional irresponsability to people that give them something of themselves, well, it MUST be some sort of soul sickness. And I think these sorts of people will never admit it but they probably exasperate the trouble, make it hard, make us look bad because they just DONT FEEL LIKE giving it the respect and effort a real relationship about two people requires.

May 28, 2005
11:25 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi InPain: I remember last summer before you quit posting that you were going into therapy. If its not too personal, did you get anything out of it? what did the therapist have to say? thanks, SD

May 29, 2005
1:30 am
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InPainZHT
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Sdesigns,

Well, i'm still seeing that therapist and YES I have gotten SOOOO much out of it. Oh, it was one of the best things I have ever decided to do. I stopped going for a couple of months, maybe three, then picked right back up as a few incidents and my reaction(s) to them told me I wasn't really ready to be "done" with the therapy.

The therapy plus the outside reading I have done have finally clued me in to what a lot of my problems come from; also, he has given me LOTS of mental tools to deal with problems as they continue to come. I found that I have a terrible habit of what's called "catastrophizing" (sp) for example, i'm sure you know what that is. Another REALLY BIG step I made was learning how to relinquish control. Boy, was that a milestone.

More if you would like to hear it...

InPain

May 29, 2005
7:31 am
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CAMER
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hi, just be glad you found out now about her...seems like she is unstable and needs men around. I am sure she did love you (maybe still does) SHE just doesn't seem to know what she wants, and possibly uses sex as a weapon to get what she wants.

More power to you for realizing her behavior, which seems dirty.

((camer))

May 29, 2005
8:50 am
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InPainZHT
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CAMER,

Oh, I think that in some way she does; she STILL calls, sometimes sends texts messages... during a couple of periods when she got really ignorant and did something to make me mad where I would just break off talking to her entirely (the last 3 weeks of our relationship got VERY rocky), she's use the children as a way of pulling me back to talk to her.

After running off her ex (after having him there with her at her house for nearly a straight week), she re-established contact once again with the little texts messages and stunts... About 3 days ago, she breaks down on the phone and says "I know I shouldn't say this, but I LOVE you, I still do!" but yet has this fellow over with his son at her house the very next day and they've been there all weekend with her. She called me several times a day, even if the guy was there with her in the room... When HER ex blatantly asked about this new fellow, she denied it.

For a woman who claims to place TOP priority on her children's well-being, including moral upbringing and worry regarding "sending them the wrong message", it sure seems strange to me that she has no problem having a different guy stay there every so many days.... but while I would say this was inappropriate, she would counter with the usual "yea, but i'm different from everybody else, I don't care what the rest of the world thinks or does, I AM MY OWN PERSON!" blah blah blah...

justification, exucuses, etc...

InPain

May 29, 2005
12:45 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi In Pain: Yes I would like to know more. Did the therapist address how to overcome the problems w/ living in such close proximity? That is my problem- I never want him back but I can't overcome the humiliation and degradation I still feel. Sometimes I think I can do this, but most times I am depressed about my situation and have withdrawn from life. I just hide for fear of seeing him and his new one who he apparently is crazy about. I have isolated myself and can't get back who I used to be.

Any insight would be very appreciated. I know intellectually what has to be done, but emotionally I am broken down.

Thanks, SD

May 29, 2005
2:05 pm
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InPainZHT
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Actually, SD, we haven't covered the area regarding the CLOSE proximaty.... we have just been discussing what she's doing and why I react & feel the way I do.... giving me appropriate tools for dealing with the matter. I WOULD say the closeness of the problem doesn't matter but it does, simply because it's up front and in your face. However, maybe this is a good thing, perhaps theraputic; one could easily make an argument along the lines of "see her for what she is so the attatchment is more difficult". For sure, When I see the mounting irresponsible behavior, and the general indifference to consequences she has for her actions, it is letting me understand and come to realization with the most important fact involved here; She isn't who I thought she was. Not by a LOOONG shot. She DOES put on quite a good facade, but most of those who are close to her have, especially recently, been seeing her true colors. Perhaps that's why she's reached out and plucked a "newbie"; somebody who doesn't know; her ordeal with me has caused two of her best friends to throw up thier arms in disgust and say "I've had enough, ruin your life as you please but I cannot sit and watch it in good conscience; let us walk our seperate ways, have a good life." She tried to place this blame on me (of course), only to have her friends say "well, YOU were just the straw that broke the camel's back... we are tried, especially of late, of sitting and watching her hurt good people with lies, manipulation and usery.

InPain

May 29, 2005
2:14 pm
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sdesigns
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Thanks, In Pain.

Have you considered how you are going to move on from this, though? I know I also have spent countless hours and days and months and now years analyzing this to death and now I just want it to go away.

I have learned much about myself thru all of this, far more time than I ever have spent thinking about why I am the way I am. I never knew I was so f'd up. I was pretty happy before. This brought out all kinds of issues for me. But at some time you've got to go forward from all of that. Why they were bad- what went wrong, etc. It does no good to concentrate on how bad they are and wallow in it once it is understood. Holding onto the pain isn't healthy for you. Do you know what I mean? SD

May 29, 2005
5:05 pm
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InPainZHT
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SD,

I understand 100%... and I use to analyze this, many months ago when we went through the first breakup where she took the ex-piece of filth back, after he promised for the 5,699,285th time he'd change THIS time, for good... he didn't, of course, and in retrospect, everybody found out he maintained the "i'm a good boy now" facade for 1 week (7 days), after which everything returned to normal.

What I have come to understand is that (1) It was NOT my fault; (2) SHE is the one that did stupid things and (3) the second time around that we tried to "make it happen", I learned that she was NEVER going to change. Her own dad told me on the phone that, though he loves her as his daughter, as a man he would have never took her back.

The bottom line is that she has some sort of severe problem- whether it be borderline personality disorder, codependence or just substance addiction (it came out in the wash that she in fact lied about all her chemical induldgences). Whatever the source, she has dire problems that aren't going away because of anything I do.

What I am going through NOW is the feeling of "man, if after I left she replaced me THAT easily, what does that say about me?"...until I snap and remember me recent training and studies that tell me that it says NOTHING about me, it says everything about her. I need to talk to my therapist, too, about the subject, for I strongly suspece I have control issues of my own because I didn't feel a pinch at all, not a jab, when I left and the ensueing days.... only when she suddenly pulled in this new fellow and he's been there ever since. Like the title of this thread; i feel suddenly dirty, for some reason, like i'm tainted or whatever.... like a toxicology sticker should be placed on my forehead. I know that is 180 degrees backwards with where I SHOULD be placing any blame; I guess what I am experiencing now is "boy, was I a DOLT for trying it the second time around, and for as long as I did..... I feel S T U P I D!"

InPain

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