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I feel lousy, am i at fault?
February 18, 2000
4:16 am
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amber
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this is the first time ive visited this site and hope that maybe someone can give me an honest answer, even if it is that i am a shit.
My boyfriend and i had been seeing each other for about 4 months and were happy although we did both go out and drink a bit to much and he would often turn up late to meet me. One evening when he was supposed to meet me, i had an inkling and went to meet him as he had said he was just down the road in another bar.He wasnt he was standing outside with another girl and she was crying.Him and i fought, i cried, he said sorry, i said sorry and he told me she was just a friend who was having problems-i didnt know what to believe and loved him so thought ill try again. After that though things got better for a while and then he started to "drift" again going out with all his mates etc.To cut a long storey short we kind of drifted apart although still seeing each other (but mainly sleeping together). I met someone else and started seeing him and eventually moved in with him. My now ex then spent alot of time alone, drinking and messing about i think and then phoned me up and said he was sorry and could we get back. I still cared for him and felt sorry, but i was happy yet i met him and then didtn have the heart to tell him. He said he really loved me and i still cared and then began to play one against the other as i wanted to see if he would change before i went back to him and stayed with todd alwyas telling hime i was just seeing my ex because he was having problems. Todd and i split - well not exactly i moved out and we thought we could then see each other and patch things up and my ex and i thought the same. to be honest i guess i was trying to see if my ex would change and was keeping todd there for in case it didnt work out. My ex drinks quite alot although not excessively and does his own thing although he is good to me and i think really does love me, yet todd is really good to me and wants a longterm relationship with views to marriage. I love my ex as he lights my spark but i get on better wtih todd in a communiction way and ive told him its just best to be friends, but still i call him to talk to . I really just feel lousy now as i feel i have played the one against the other and hurt both of them. How do i sort this mess out so that i dont hurt feelings anymore.
Am i a shit-just say so if you think?

February 18, 2000
5:52 am
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hazza
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HI Amber,
You are not shit!!!!! you are just making the same mistakes that we all make until we learn better. You have an insecurity and relationship addiction that is why you keep your optionsopen by having 2 men in your life.

You are also co-dep, you need someone else to "light your spark" and choose others with unhealthy patterns as they feel the most comfortable and familiar to you.

Read some of the co-dep threads here, read some of the latest threads here, they cover alot of these issues. You have already realised that something is wrong and that is the first step, keep reading these threads and talking to us,
Tell us more about how you are living now? who are you seeing?
Peace
Hazza

February 18, 2000
8:21 am
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Hazza,

I know you are probably right as i can feel it inside me. I live in house with two housemates whom i don not really know all that well but we all get on fine however really all do our own thing socially etc. I have a few close friends whom i see on weekends however because they are all in relationshiops i do not see or socialise with them unless visiting.
You know i know todd loves me and respects me because he will always go out of his way to be with me, talk to me and enjoys doing things with me and for me.
I miss him alot and often still phone him to talk. I am independent in the way of that i can go and do my own thing and support myself but i do not like to be alone, i guess no one does. i dont feel i have to have a boyfriend but need to have people to talk to and socialise with. I guess my ex and i have never really given it a chance but somehow i always feel i will be the one doing everything alone whilst he does his thing and when he needs me he will come there - for example this week on valentines day he called to wish me in the morning and then said phone him later, i did and then i asked if he wanted to come for dinner - he came 1hr late because he was with his pals in the bar. Tues i asked him for dinner again and told him i wanted to talk to him and he came on time this time but had still had a few beers after id asked him to come sober and then joked with me saying "you thought i wouldnt come" well im here and then just took everything as normal like didnt say whats wrong or why do we need to talk. He stayed over and then wed went home for an early night. Last night i called him he was at home and said im off to bed early cos i need to get up early. Well he didtn say do you want to come over or could i come see you as i guess it suited him to be on his own and have an early night - he just said ill call you later this eveing or speak to you tomorw. Does this sound like someone who really want so get back together and make a go of it. I can understand he may be scared of because of todd but then he knows i have only seen and spoken to hime the whole week and i am home whenever he calls me or wehn i call him.
Do you think im wasting my time because i feel that i shouldnt have to bend over backwards to show that i care!
Im reading all the threads at the mo and they are interesting and opening my eyes!!!!

February 20, 2000
4:33 pm
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hazza
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HI
For what it is worth i would ignore this ex of your for a while, give yourself some space, if he phones cut him short and say you're off out and cant talk.

This will do 2 things, you will see if you can function okay without him, it will also give him the message that you are not there to be taken advantage of.
Peace
Hazza

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