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I feel like such a hypocrite!!
August 29, 2005
6:58 pm
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gofigure
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I posted a few days ago about my situation and my husband's access to coke at work (we were both in rehab over 6 yrs. ago). He brought some home last night and I did a small amount with him and feel terrible about it. The last time this happened I said NEVER AGAIN!!, and here I go. And if that's not bad enough, I've been smoking pot again. I guess I've rationalized the smoking as "it's not that different than a couple of beers", but I'm not sure how much I buy into that. I'm not stoned all the time by any stretch of the imagination, but I do smoke a bit most evenings before bed and am now stressing hard about it. I feel like a monster for doing this and worry I am becoming dependent on the escape it affords me and the help it gives me sleeping. Anyone else? I am going to try so hard to not do lines again--if he brings any home I will leave or make him leave.

I am strong, I can do this, I do not need to be a slave.

Thanks. This has been eating at me and I have no one I can talk to about any of this.
Love,
~go

August 29, 2005
7:34 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi go. First things first, stop beating up on yourself. It's really hard to say no especially when those near and dear to us are doing something that we ourselves don't want to do but still like doing (i.e. drinking or drugging). But you are right, you are strong, and you can do this!

August 29, 2005
8:59 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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GOFIGURE,don't beat your self up. if you live with someone who "does" it,i guess you get the attitude join um. i did. when i was with my girl's dad,he was heavy into it. i did it with him because if i don't someone else will(so i thought ). i took a good long, hard look in the mirror,and i didn't like what was "looking" back.my eye's had dark circle's,my weight was aprox.100lb's.(should have been 115lb's )i felt like s--t most of the time.care for my little girl's? they spent alot of time at my parent's.he's not realy bringing it home to "share" with you,he does it so he doesn't feel like a piece of crap.try hard to say no,if you can't,leave the house. what coke head do you know can sit "alone"? help your self,that's the only person you can help. KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

August 29, 2005
9:55 pm
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gofigure
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Thanks ginger and Susan. I know beating myself up doesn't help anything and you're right, next time I will take my girls (if they're home, which they weren't) and GO. I appreciate the support more than I
can say.
~go

September 3, 2005
9:28 am
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SUSIE BABY
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hey, just a note to say hello and how ya doin? hope thing's are getting better,susan

September 3, 2005
11:50 am
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gofigure
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Hi Susan,
Thanks for checking in. Things are going along. My husband starts a job on tuesday which will be a much better environment, That's good, just think it's not going to solve "my" problem of no longer being sure I want a life anymore with him. It's been 11+ years of never knowing what's going to happen. Even after treatment (nearly 7 years ago), our lives have been precarious--ie: he's had 8 job changes since treatment. I don't think that's "normal" y'know? And it's so darn stressful and I'm just tired of it; all the promises and the lies (financially at least--otherwise I wonder). The drug (coke) use was a great excuse to have, but even without it I'm still unhappy. Of course there's me and the marijuana yet--he just keeps bringing it home, even though he rarely indulges himself. This I(!!) must get a handle on before he uses that against me (if I decide I am leaving). Like everyone, there is much to think about. I really appreciate your caring Susan. It'll work out one way or the other I imagine.
~go

September 3, 2005
1:16 pm
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Shaney
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Hey gofigure -

I think that sometimes we keep this mental scorecard in our own heads. "He did this, I did that. It's even, it's not." Sometimes the scorecard or list may help to justify some feelings that we may be having - but sometimes it's just really bad for us. In your case, it seems that you're using this scorecard to rate the items on this mental list, and then deciding whether or not you DESERVE to have the feelings that accompany these items. Get what I mean? Feelings are feelings. You've got reasons for feeling the way that you do - you don't need justification everytime something happens.

You've had more than 11 years of ups and downs and reasons for feeling the way you do. You doing lines with him doesn't change the other 20 things that you wrote in your letter, that make you unhappy. Drugging and drinking are relationship killers, plain and simple. But so are money matters, lying, unfaithfulness, lack of communication, loneliness, abuse... they all are... one isn't any worse than the other, in a sense - they ALL produce the same feelings in us.

If you want to work this out, then you BOTH have to quit the drugging - otherwise it IS hypocritical. If drugging is a small item on a long list of reasons why you DON'T want to be with him - then it may not really matter. Especially if you've made up your mind to leave. But at that point, at the very least, he'll deserve an expaination. And you, my friend, deserve to get it off of your chest. You seem to be holding everything that you feel inside, and just dragging youself through life with him. You'll know when you've had enough - Love, Shaney

September 3, 2005
6:59 pm
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gofigure
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Ahhh...Camer, you hit it EXACTLY! From very early on I have felt I needed justification for the feelings I feel. That just having the feelings wasn't reason enough to make them valid. And you're absolutely right, I do keep a mental score card to help me decide if have REAL reasons for my feelings. You are also right regarding the relationship killers; there have been scores of killers in our marriage and I've gotten to the point where I've become numb in so many ways that making a move proves to be difficult. Add to that the fear I have of creating a scene similar to the one we had a year ago, 9 months ago, 3 months ago, all with me ending up saying I would try to give things another chance, and I'm a bit gunshy and afraid I will "cave" again out of fear of causing him anguish. BUT, as you said, if I am feeling this way, then he does deserve an explanation. Because in all fairness, it is disrespectful to him to continue on in this vein, pretending everything is o.k. when in truth very little feels o.k. to me. I suppose this is what I'm working up to and it scares the Hell out of me. But I think until I am able to freely say what I feel happiness, true happiness will elude me. Anyone have any brave pills?

Than you so much Camer, for your insight and kindness.

Love, ~go

September 3, 2005
7:37 pm
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CAMER
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hi go, hope you are doing ok..and again, stop beating yourself up!!

i think on your last post you were thanking me (camer) for something Shaney said.... 🙂

I know your feelings, my last bf who was alcoholic, i too used to drink with him, even though he should have been sober...its funny, how booze, drugs, anything can take away the pain for the time being...but all and all we still will wake up later with the same problems.

Brave pills, hmmmm, i'd like some of those too!! but really, if we are true to ourselves we can be brave, there is nothing to fear.

I think your best bet if he brings the lines home again, tell him to leave....why should you leave???

Keep coming back and posting ok Go, and things will get better, you are already recognizing that something went wrong.

Wishing you peace & prayers...

love, camer

September 3, 2005
8:31 pm
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gofigure
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Whoops, sorry Shaney. Me brain--she is moosh. Just when I think I know what I'm doing...

September 3, 2005
8:33 pm
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gofigure
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And thank you (again:-) Camer. I intend to keep coming back--it's been good for me to be here with you all and know I'm not as alone as I often feel.

September 3, 2005
8:39 pm
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Shaney
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Hi gofigure 🙂

I really believe in my heart, that everyone has the ability to have a civil conversation. Now, some may have to dig REALLY deep to find the tools but I still believe it's possible. My boyfriend and I used to have the same type of arguments, about the same things, that used to end up the same way every time. But what were we to expect? If you bake a cake using the same ingredients time after time, you get the same cake. When you want a different cake, you use different ingredients.
It's the same when approaching an issue. When my bf and I had finally had enough, we started to break down the "ingredients" of our arguments. We both agreed that the APPROACH, the TONE of our voices, and discussing feelings rather than blame, were the things that we needed to change in order to get a different outcome. And I'm glad to say that we argue less, and argue better than we ever have.

If you don't know how your husband wants to be approached to avoid pushing those anger buttons, then ask him. Aside from it being a great tool for you, it will make him feel that you respect his feelings and are not just coming at him, firing off round after round. Good communication really is the key.

I feel like you hold so much in, and that he may not really really know how you FEEL about the things that are affecting your marriage. I hear you saying that you're numb and close to being done with things, but on the other hand I hear some hope in your posts, when you talk about his new job? I don't think that you can ever make a good decision regarding your marriage without having some healthy conversations with him. Don't be scared - just really work on how you'll approach him, what you'll say, and how you'll say it... before the big mega meeting. The outcome will hopefully surprise you? I'll pray that you find the strength.. 🙂 Love - Shaney

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