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i feel like a failure-jewel
February 6, 2007
4:03 pm
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jewel
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I feel like a total failure. I am 25 years old and turn 26 next month. Time is going by so quickly and I am getting nowhere in my life. I don't have a college degree or a good job. I don't even know when I will be well enough to even go back to college. I feel as though my friends and other people(even younger than me) are doing much better. My cousin is making $45,000 and she is only 23. That makes me feel like crap. I am happy for her though. I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days of how I am going to get through life. I don't even work right now. I am on unemployment. I got let go from a temp agency for missing work due to health reasons. They are fighting it so I don't even know if I will continue on with my benefits. I am anxious everyday about whether or not I get to keep the benefits. All that I wanted was to go to school for accounting or whatever, get my degree and make some decent money. I want a good life, but I feel as if I am no good. I am not making any improvements in my life due to depression. I start therapy in a couple weeks. In the meantime, I am just hanging in there and going through the motions of life. I want things to get better. Bipolar is terrible and I don't blame it all on that. It is me to. I feel like giving up. I am losing my strength.

February 6, 2007
4:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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jewel,

I don't know what to say, so pardon me if I ramble.

I completely understand how hard it is to be bipolar...I don't have it, but my nephews do and I see their struggle every day. Are you on meds now?

As for the income thing...my brother was a juvenile delinquent...he has 14 felonies (for stupid stuff) on his record....he is NOW driving a corvette, sports a 15,000 dollar watch and has anything he wants. He owns his own electrical contracting business and is quite successful.

I ENVY that...I went to one year of college and I live paycheck to paycheck. It's no picnic. He spends more money on a meal out than I spend on groceries a week.

BUT - I see the price he pays for his "wealth"...and I don't envy him there. He may have money, but he doesn't have it easy.

I found that the more time I spent watching everyone else, seeing what they have, the less I was able to see what I DID have. I have my blessings...I have things to be thankful for. But I couldn't see them cuz I was watching everyone else.

Perhaps it would help to write down what you DO have....your blessings and things you are thankful for.

Sometimes we just have to "hang in there"...that's ok...just keep hanging until that therapy comes up...then do all you can to get better.

would it be possible to move your appointment up? how about in emergency cases?

Keep believing you WILL have a good life....and you will. It may not be exactly like someone else's...but it will be good.

February 6, 2007
5:25 pm
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balancesekr
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hi jewel,
It takes time to find the career you want and like. I am older than you and I just started working in a field I enjoy less than 2 years ago.
I bounced around A LOT! And it was painful, I never liked my jobs but it pushed me to really dig down deep and find what I like.

I understand that seeing people younger than you be more successful is tough. It sucks! But it can motivate you to do better and set some goals for yourself.

I don't know what is like to be bi-polar, my brother is. I see how he struggles with keeping a job. He has many conflicts due to his passion and ideals.

I do know what depression feels like. It is like a LEAD BLANKET laying on your chest. You just gotta keep pushing forward as hard as it is. Keep posting! (((HUGS))) b

February 6, 2007
7:46 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I have a cousin who is a lawyer making tons of money another one who is a dr and making tons of money and there's me. the inner city school teacher. We are all the same age. Am I the failure? No.

26 is not that old. take one day at a time and do what you can. right now enjoy being the bride to be and then concentrate on a career.

February 6, 2007
9:27 pm
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taj64
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You cannot worry about other's successes. You have to worry about your own and that is enough in this day and age. The happiest people in the world, are not of wealth. Monetary or what your friends and neighbors have are not necessarily keys to happiness. Living in the here and now and living peacefully are true keys to being successful. Nobody is a failure when you are happy. Please enjoy what you have and not what everyone else has. Besides everyone else might just be envious of you because you are about to be married to a wonderful guy and that is highly successful in many eyes. Money does not mean a thing if you do not have anyone to share it with. And the happiest of marriage are those of simplicity and loving and supportive which also have nothing to do with money.

February 7, 2007
12:11 pm
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smarterone
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September 24, 2010
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Jewel i have followed you for a long time and if you want to meet some really nice ladies, go to Brownies response, we may be able to help you,but in the meantime, i can only say hold on, i have been there back and forth, everyday something else goes wrong, but im here, pls remember you do need help, take it, never keep anything in. You still have the wedding going right? Can you not keep remembering the fact that you are alcohol free. Give yourself that. You definitely are not on the right meds. Im on prozac, weening myself down from 60 mg to 40, i take vicodin for pain 2 a day, xanax, when i need it, pills to go to sleep, you name it i have it, but im going to not stop medicating cuz i would rather live on meds then the misery. If you get a chance to see what i have been thru, you will know. You cannot control your feelings and that is the first thing to remember, but you cannot dwell either. Keep venting and pls keep seeing the doc. With love

February 7, 2007
12:36 pm
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addicts wife
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((((((((((Jewel)))))))))))))
I am now 35 ,and have felt like you desribed numerous times. Often feeling like my life has been dictated by my illnesses, and being of a poor background and simply not knowing or feeling able ot get assistance that was out there, or self esteem was limiting me a lot too.( I have had Diabetes for 31 years, I am 35.Also have Osteo and Rheumatoid Arthritis, Bursitis, Fibromayalgia, hypothroid disease, adn early stages of Kidney Disease. (im sure Ive even forgotten a few.. OH, DUH, Bipolar, and ADHD, helooo? LOl
I was such a work a holic, go getter, determined person, I didnt have "great" jobs, but I took pride in my work, no matter how crappy and was always a good worker, until I started feeling crappy all the time adn kept waiting to feel better.
It is so easy to be overwhelmed, adn honestly It;s okay to feel the way we feel, even if it's crappy, its honest, and real. NOT getting stuck there is the tricky part and where we can get in an unhealthy thinking funk.
typing or jounaling it out did wonders for me, and still does.
Also, meerly a suggestion... withthe Docs office where you're going to start therapy, could you call and ask if there's a cancellation list, so you could possibly get in sooner?? dont be afraid ot be candid??
after youstart therapy and perhaps get on some meds, you may finmd yourself feelingbalanced out and not on such a variety of emotional rollar coaster. (that's bee nmy experience)
You're NOT a failure,Ive said the same thing a trillion times aswell as "everything i touch or try turns tosh*^, whay bother..."
and someohow after lettinga lthat negativity out, I end up waking up after crying myself ot sleep feeling rejuvinated or at least well rested.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel.

February 7, 2007
3:04 pm
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jewel
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I know what you all wrote is true. I know that I am not actually a failure, but I can't make these feelings go away.

February 9, 2007
11:11 pm
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jewel
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Rising,

I am on meds now for bipolar. They don't seem to be working too well right now, but I have good moments. I don't know if I can move my appt up or not. Can try and let them know that I really need help asap.

Balance,

That is one of my main problems. Holding a job. I just can't do it. I start to feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. It is terrible. I know I am still young, but I need to do something with my life.

Tiger,

Good way of looking at things. I guess no one is a failure unless they allow themselves to be.

Taj,

Great advice. Money does not buy happiness. That is not really what I am worried about. I just feel like I should be further ahead in life than I am. I am very blessed to have a man that loves me. That is priceless.

Smart,

Yeah, I still have the wedding. I am not on the right meds. That is part of the problem right there that I am feeling like a failure. I have been without any alcohol for 11 months as of yesterday!!!!! What a miracle. I used to drink 2.5 liters of wine a night. Talk about being an alcoholic.

Addictswife,

I guess everyone feels like this from time to time. I plan on starting therapy and when I think of something in my head that I think needs brought up, I will write it down in a little pad of paper. Then I won't forget.

Thanks for all your support everyone!!!!

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