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I feel I am going crazy due to break up! Help!!!
April 7, 2007
12:54 pm
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tmv1109
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Hello all,

My "best friend"/"boyfriend" of 10 broke up 6 weeks ago. It has been a rough year and half, mainly because I found out he was not honest with me, seeing someone else for 8 years without me knowing this person existed. I moved away 3 years ago and he professed his undying love for me when I came home for the holidays. We had a long distance relationship for 7 months, he wanted me to marry him and have children and at first he was going to move to where I was living, then I felt it would be best if I moved. (He owns a business). Two weeks before I was to move home after 5 months of prep, he decided I should move in with my mother because he did not think we should move in just yet because we were "fighting alot lately" (although I don't really remember fighting other than once and that was more of a disagreement over where the dog should go for puppy training.)

After a month of me being home, he exploded at me, for going to my ex's father's wake and funeral. He (is extremely jealous of my ex-I now know it was because he was a cheater with his ex-he yelled and screamed at me, calling and saying things to me I have never heard before. Calling me and my family "wackos". I told him to never come near me again, and of course, days later, calling and crying and he was so sorry. This back and forthing has gone on for the entire time I moved here. Last Thanksgiving, found out about the 8 years of cheating behind my back, and that he likes to "retell history" and shift major blame on me and has always look for an easy way out, but just to come back in again. He has lied about me to his family and friends over the years, that some of them won't even look at me. (Very hurtful because they believe all his lies- and why wouldn't they, he comes across as the loving, funny care giver (of his mother, there every Thursday - supposably I say now). Most recently his friend "Pam" has been doing all his paperwork for his stupid business (that he actually does well in), but it's upsetting because he had been spending more time with her because her boyfriend has been "busy". Then, a week before Valentine's day, I was on his computer and looked in his history (to see who he and what he is doing when he spends so much time on the computer), and found 5 teenage porn sites and 5 lesbian sites. I was shocked and disgusted by the teen sites. I didnt say anything at first because I wanted more evidence to stay away once and for all. (remeber, 10 years and he was always in my corner, making me laugh like no one else, until it came to something he did that hurt me, then he wanted to break up) It bothered me and on so desperately wanted to spend Valentines Day with him and I knew if I said anything, he would breakup with me and I just couldn't handle that, I have never spent a holiday, birthday, etc with him in 10 years (other than the one Christmas in TX) I have never been really invited to be around the family until when I first came home, went to families home maybe a total of 5 times in 10 years.

Valentines day came, sure enough he was trying to throw his weight around saying if I was in a bad mood, we just wouldn't spend the day together. I got so mad that I just told him what was bothering me. (websites, on top of everything else that has happened that he didn't want to ever take responsiblity for). He of course, at first denied it and after hours of talking, he broke up with me. I was, and have been just so devestated. (he admitted finally that he was on there looking but "so what, you think I am the only guy in America that looks at that stuff". I told him I was absolutely sick of ever being with him, and that those "teens" he insisted were "legal" are still children!!!!! That there was no guareentee they were 18 years old and even if they were, they were not in a good place! He did not like that I said that, saying it's not like he is looking at little kids and he doesn't like that I would say that to him. He does have a sexual addiction, he was seeing a counselor and they told him and he just casually told me last year. But I can see the signs, addicted to howard stern (listens to him all day, has for 10 years), has looked at porn on the interent for as long as I have known him, saved video of ex girlfriend (s) having sex, etc.

Now the most stupid part is I am extremly depressed at this stupid loss of a man. I know he is seeing someone because he has never been able to have NO CONTACT with me for this long. (Only a couple times when he was with his ex - who married back in the fall) I feel I am in denial of how mean and really cruel he was to me. My feelings, my reputation, didn't matter to him. I was all, about him. I started Wellbutrin three days ago, and yesturday, went to the bookstore to by books on over coming depression and found a book, which describes him to a tee!, called "Men who hate women, and the women who love them".......I got through 7 chapters last night, and all of a sudden, I had an anxiety attack. I just knew he was with someone and I feel, he had her lined up before he disposed of me. I felt so sick, heart pounding out of my chest. This is the one man I always trusted, until a year and a half ago. He came off his meds when I came home, and I think that has alot to do with him being such a jerk. I was in such a panic last night that I drove by his house at 2 in the morning like a crazy lady!!!! There was a car in the drive way, but it looked like it might have been his families from out of town, but not sure because the gate was closed. My imagination has taken over and I can barely stand it. (It is NOT like me to act that way and "drive by", that was always his department)

I could barely get out of bed today. I have old messages on the answering maching from him that I played last night to try and help calm me down, just to hear his voice, but interestingly enough, most of them had him saying, "going to my mom's, going to Aunt Jo's, going to my brothers", etc. And it mad me sick. He had probably been cheating on me that whole time, on and off with "her" (who ever that may be) and with me. He chose her, but I think because I touched on his dirty little secret that he didn't want anyone to know about, not even me.

I feel I am going crazy and that there is no way out, no up,no one out there for me. Let's face it, at 35, it's slim pickin's out there, all the good men, are gone and it's just the freaks that are out there, lurking for someone like me who is kind and giving and sweet. I don't know what to do. I really want to run away to TX, but is that dealing with anything? Definately not having to worry about seeing him would be a huge relief. But I don't have much money, and I would like to get some put away. (which by the way, he said he would send me the money for me to go back the day we broke up because he felt "responsible" for the the way my life had turned out- yet he has not sent the money and I have contacted hi twice about it- with ABSOLUTE no response, not even a nasty one)

I dont know what to do. I have no friends here, because he convinced me years ago my friends weren't really friends and I should get rid of them because "his" friends or his family's friends would never do that! I do have a disfunctional family here, and in TX really, so I only talk to my brothers and sister from time to time, only my brother and his wife live here. My mother told me months ago she ws "done" with me and didnt' care about what happens to me (because I smart mouthed her), so we don't talk. (I actually am relieved by that too because I have never been good enough for her, a constant disappointment in social status, looks, money, and of course having never been married or have children) Father doesn't exist.

I don't know who to turn to know. Jim was all I had, all I thought I needed and wanted. I trusted him. I trusted that he loved me and had my best interest in heart. It's the worst thing, the worst feeling to know all your choices were made because of his input and all of your choices were swayed on what would benefit him. How do I stop this pain???? How do I move forward???? I'm all alone, except for on this site. I am seeing a counselor, but it's only once a week and honestly, I would like 2 times a week, maybe three. How can I see the light? Can anyone help me out there??????

April 7, 2007
3:30 pm
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CAMER
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why not try some local coda meetings??? and remember you are not alone!!! keep seeing your counselor,
keep hugging yourself, and know that you will be ok, you may not feel the best now, but things will be ok, your heart was broken and needs time to repair.

See the light, and not go crazy over
the breakup. He chose to end the relationship for his own reasons, nothing you have control over.

You can control how your own feelings and know that you have to go on with life.

Take the time to cry, scream, be upset, feel the feelings and keep posting here, I know it helps me.

((((heres some hugs for you)))))

April 7, 2007
4:55 pm
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atalose
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To see the light you must start with the end in mind. What end do you really want? Do you want him back? Or do you want to move on and away from a man with that many serious issues?
This is what you must figure out for yourself. If you are riding by his house at 2 in the morning you must ask yourself for what purpose did you do that. If you were feeling anxiety driving past his house was not going to help that at all so what was your real motive driving you to do that?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 9, 2007
12:36 am
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tmv1109
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Hello and thank you for your love and care......I really need a friend, or two, right now.......I am sorry I did not comment sooner, working......

I am so embarrassed that I did that the other night, I was out of my mind, and it's very scarry to know you are so upset and your mind takes over.....I hate that I did that, and it served me NO PURPOSE other than to feel even worse!!!!! That was crazy...

I will say though, the next morning, (around 4:30am!), after I begged God for his help, that I needed him with me to carry me, I woke with a sense of security, and felt that I need to do what is good for me....now don't get me wrong, by later in the morning I felt terrible and really down, but by the end of the day, I felt a little better.

Still going to hurt I suppose, the Wellbutrin seems to have help a little in a very short amount of time. I still hurt, terribly, but I am able to move and go to work with a little bit of a cleared head, (not completely, but better than last week!). Today, whenever I had a thought of him, I pushed it out of my mind and focused on me, something I had been doing in the beginning, and it help, but soon wore away. Interestingly enough, he sent me an email today. Simply said "Happy Easter"....and that was it. Didn't sign his name or anything, but I guess it doesn't matter....Lost my breath for a few seconds when I saw his return address in my email, but I know he sent a very short email simply saying "Happy Easter" to just "throw it out there" and see what happens, if I will respond. I didn't........10 years is a really long time to have wasted......and it hurts.....hurts to know he hasn't cared one bit as to how I was feeling or if I was OK........I didn't resond, although I must say, for a moment I wanted to, but then it dawned on me, I am like an addict, and I am trying to kick that habit, that addiction, which for me, is him.

I know I love(d) him, I say loved, because I don't think I really know him, even after 10 years. I think he has so many more secrets that nobody knows, because he knows others wouldn't approve.

It's hard, stupid me, I saved his silly email, just because I couldn't let it go forever into wherever deleted emails go, couldn't do it tonight.

Thank you for being such good listeners and giving very good advice. I have read in the past two days, 7 chapters from "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them" (and although it is VERY informative and OPENS my eyes, it is much to painful right now to read anymore, in time I will, but not know). I read half of Naomi Judd's "Breakthrough Guide", which I have found very comforting......I actually don't want to put it down because it is a book about loving yourself and being complete, mind, body and spirit, the three things I lack in right now.....it's an easy, enjoyable read, and I find it beautiful. Also read 6 chapters in "Overcoming Depression and Anxiety Naturally", but I choose not to read it because Naomi's book felt so good!!!

Thank you both for your posts, I really need good folks to talk to....this is going to be a journey, and it will be painful at times, I know that, but I also know, that good is going to come out of this....but again, it will be a day to day, hour to hour, season to season, journey. And hopefully in time, (I would prefer it to be a very short time!) I won't hurt anymore, and maybe I will be able to forgive......

April 9, 2007
2:35 am
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burningup
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Awww, tmv1109, I'm so sorry. That sounds so terribly painful. Don't be embarrassed about the drive by.. it happened. I did it once when I was crazy over someone. My friends and I laugh now over some of the stuff I did, like back out of his driveway fast in my car, upset, then drive back in, realize I shouldn't be there, back out, couldn't stand to leave, so drove back in and then backed out and left, rejected and crying. Oh yeah. We just have to forgive ourselves for that stuff.

I hope you can move toward feeling better. Know that you are definitely not alone.

April 9, 2007
9:52 am
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sad sack
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Dear TMV109,

You responded to my thread a couple of weeks ago and you made such a difference in my life (broken hearted and I need help). You gave me wonderful advice. And you greeted me with "good morning sweets" which brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

Look back (march 18th) and see the sound advice you gave me. You also wrote about all the positive things that you were going to do for yourself. What happened to that positive way of thinking?

Oh, I know it is so difficult. The pain that one goes through during and after a breakup is sometimes overwhelming and unbearable. I am still in so much pain, but I feel I am doing positive things to get myself through the recovery process. When I first wrote on my thread, I was uncertain where the relationship stood. I have since gotten some closure on that. I wrote him a letter and acknowledged that yes, in fact, it is over. It was the hardest thing I had to do but I knew I had no choice.

In your situation, you have to cut yourself free from this toxic person. Keep reading what you wrote. You deserve so much better than this guy. And stop indicating that your life is over because you are 35 years old. Oh, I wish I were 35 again. I am 51 and I found the love of my life at age 50 (or so I thought, anyway). DOn't get stuck in the pointless thinking that you wasted ten years of your life. It will keep you from moving forward.

Well, anyway, when I saw your thread, I knew I had to respond. YOu helped me so much and I wanted to let you know that. Please keep posting. As you know, the people here are terrific. And remember try to go back and reread some of your own comments. Follow some of your OWN advice to me. It worked for me and hopefully, you will get something out of it, as well.

Sad Sack

April 9, 2007
10:22 am
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Good morning Burning up and Sad Sack,

Thank you for your lovely threads! Sad Sack, it is nice to know what I said moved you, and I am sorry, I hope I didn't disappoint you by going back on what I said! I don't know what happened either, depression took over, or maybe it is just what was expected to come. There are a few other stressors in my life, so when that came up, maybe it just triggered the other issue, the break up. But I am going to treat this like an addiction, because that is what it feels like. He is no good for me or to me. I guess today I have mixed emotions from his email yesturday.....Who does he think he is? I know I kept taking him back over the years, but he really let me believe he loved me, I mean why else would he want to keep coming back within a few weeks?!!! (that's what I use to say to myself, not anymore though, the truth is, he is mean and nastey and only thinks of himself)

I like the little book I bought, it is a daily reflection and prayer for recovering addicts. (of all kinds) I have read the daily passages from yesturday and today. I just have to remind myself that "HE" is an addictive drug and I am not going to abuse my body and my life with him.

Sad Sack.........one day at a time....I guess it is going to take small steps.....and be proud of each day that goes by without that dangerous person in your life who will ruin your spirit.....that's what Naomi Judd says (in a round about way) and she is right. Maybe you should look for that book in your library or bookstore....it's comforting......I'm hoping to have that great feeling again by all the great things I am going to do and the life I am going to create.....but I guess some days are going to be much harder than others......it took much strength not to email him on Friday night and ask him if he had been cheating on me prior to breaking up with me........he wouldn't have responded and if he did, I'm sure it would have been more lies and most definately, he would have shifted the blame on me for his mistakes.......

Hope all is well with you both, I'm sorry, I spent this entire thread talking about me, but I must say, it helps to let it out, to talk about it completely and honestly.....it's no good keeping everything bottled up.......Talk to you both soon I hope, and most importanly, thank you! 🙂

tmv

April 16, 2007
12:05 am
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tmv1109
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Hello friends,

I'm so frustrated, and still so hurt. I have started Wellbutrin, a week now, and still, not too much of a difference. There is a tiny bit, I mean, I can joke when I get to work, but the moment I have to come home, I'm down again. I feel so empty, so dead inside. I have never felt like this before, not this low.

Two nights ago, I emailed my ex to ask him if he had been cheating on me the entire time or was it just in the end. (I don't know for sure, but I feel he has, in my heart, it makes comoplete sense). And certainly of course, no response. He has the nerve, to dispose of me like he has, after 10 years, and then on Easter send me a little email that said "Happy Easter". Didn't sign it, or address it. Took him probably a total of 5 seconds. And why? He knew I was alone, no family, no friends, and mean while I am sure his family is up from Indiana, his sister in law and brother I am sure were having an Easter party and the whole gang was there. And maybe perhaps his knew fling, or maybe it is his Old Fling Julie, who married 5 months or so ago, but what does that really mean to anyone anymore? I can so see him sending her emails professing his love for her because she was getting married, and maybe she has left her husband and that is why he has disposed of me.....so easy, just a piece of furniture.....I hate him, I really do.....I hate that he thinks he can just throw me away after 10 years, after I moved 1300 miles to be with him because he "loved me so much and wanted to get married and have children".......I can't believe this has happened to me......it seems like it is the way things are meant to be for me.....alone......with no one....no one with good values....no one who wants a women who is good and giving and selfless.....I am an old fashioned girl and everyone seems to love that, or so they say......

I feel like I am going crazy, unable to get to tomarrow.....at times I think about suicide, but I tell myself it will get better tomarrow, but it doesn't really.......I haven't spoke to him since Valentine's Day, when he dumped me and acted like I was "over reacting" because I was crying so much and asking him to "please not do this".....He acted like we only went out on a couple dates!!!!! Like he never really knew me......It hurt so bad......when will it stop? When will I want to leave my house and have a life......all I want to do is leave this area and go back south.....I hate it here, I always did, but I had him and that is why I came back....now I don't feel I can get out.......how will I support myself? I wish I could win the lotto, not a big one, maybe just $10,000 or so, just enough to rent a place and have a cushion in case of emergancies......Then I could work at a Walmart and go back to school to make a decent living........I don't know what to do......I feel trapped in side of box and I want to get OUT!!!!!!!!!!! I keep trying, but it's like I can't breathe!!!!!!

I just want to go back south, to the country with good people, people like me........how do I get there........how??????? Somebody please help..........

April 16, 2007
3:58 am
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Ok, you know what I discovered this weekend? I was .. still BURNING UP. That pain in my chest wouldn't go away. But this weekend I had to go on a two day meditation marathon for a class. I can't believe how much it helped. By the end of day two, the fire in my chest was GONE! I can't believe it totally utterly 100 percent soothed the pain I couldn't make disappear. I sat there at the end of the second day in total amazement that my chest was light and felt good, no sign of emotional pain whatsoever. Like before I met him. The pain is back tonight because he didn't contact me of course and I saw his picture, but it's not as unmanagable and I realize that with some willpower there is a way to soothe myself. Just thought I'd share.. one possible solution. Maybe it's time to go on a personal journey, a quest, a spiritual path of self-discovery. Pick up a book on resilience. Good luck. Give yourself a hug!

April 16, 2007
7:23 am
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I am not hijacking anyones thread but i read this and i want to say to tmv i am so sorry for your pain.

I am sorry you are both in pain but i just wanna say there is no quick fix, the only thing that helps is the passing of time. Seriously thats all we have here.

Trying to get out and about even if its just for a walk or to have a coffee with a friend to begin with.

Ten yrs is a long time and i have been apart from my ex for 18 mths and it still hurts a tiny bit (very very tiny bit) Though i still see him and will for a long time, (child together).

Hope you both get better very soon, no suicide thoughts as i read, no man is worth it ... we all know that well and one day someone will be there waiting for us. The right man.... take care and good luck ladies....

April 16, 2007
10:49 am
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Your emotions are very normal. The end of a relationship can cause such trauma. My suggestion, the quicker you can do absolutely NO CONTACT (texting, emailing, calls, phone, etc., etc.) the sooner you will start to feel better. It is very hard but I PROMISE it gets easier as time goes on. For now, since the evening are so hard, try to makes plans and stay busy as much as possible.

April 16, 2007
11:23 am
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tmv - I agree with lettingo that NO CONTACT will help you get through this sooner. Focus on yourself and loving yourself and taking care of yourself.

Don't think about him. Don't hate him. Don't wonder what he's up to. Put away any reminders of him - box them up and put them in a closet or attic. Don't wonder if he cheated - you may never get an answer out of him - he may just lie, and that just adds to the pain - knowing he's lying to you. Or he may tell you the truth - which may contain details that hurt even more. Don't worry about whether or not he cheated. It doesn't matter.

It sounds like he's someone you don't need in your life anyway, so just remember the good times and look forward to a new exciting future with a new, good man - when you're ready.

In order for you to move on, you simply have to let go. My ex's dad used to always say to me "It was a place in time." But it doesn't mean your life is over or any different.

I feel your pain, and I wish there was something I could say or do to just make it all go away as easily as it sounds.

It's not easy at all, but you just have to do it. Think about the things you enjoyed without your ex. Do the things you enjoy. Exercise. Read. Surf the Internet.

Set small goals for yourself. Focus on your job. Or your family or friends. Find a new hobby or get back into an old one.

NO MAN IS WORTH THIS PAIN.

When my ex and I broke up, I thought my life was over. But ending a relationship doesn't mean your life is over - it's just beginning a new chapter.

Moving somewhere else may help - but it may not solve everything. When we broke up, I just wanted to run - move out of this city that reminds me of him. But the night before I was supposed to move, I panicked. I realized I hadn't really dealt with the break-up, and before I can start a new life somewhere else, I have to deal with the pain.

Get out of the house and explore. Go to a restaurant or store you've never been to - either alone, or call up a friend. You don't have to tell the friend what's going on, but at least you'll have companionship.

I hope some of this helps. You're not alone. And you deserve better than this pain.

Your life is worth living. We are all worth taking care of. We have to love ourselves first.

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