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I Feel All Alone In This World
January 25, 2001
1:24 pm
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solitary
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HI,

This is my first time writing a discussion topic but here it goes. Just to give you a little background..I am 24 years old and just recently moved to California to supposedly start a new life with my "supposed" fiance that I have been with for 3 1/2 years. I recently graduated from college and I was all set and ready to pursue a new life here in California. However, I realized that I truly hate the profession that I chose in life and I am depressed when I am working. I find it hard to meet people and make friends out here. And to top it all off, my fiance.. who has been my backbone for 3 1/2 years just dropped a bombshell on me that he has been cheating on me for basically our whole relationship. Now I am left in this place of solitude with no friends, no excitement for my career of choice.. Oh! Did I fail to mention that I am 5 months pregnant to make matters even worse? I have no idea what I am going to do now. I feel like a failure going 2400 miles back home to my parents. I have no emotional support here in California. I basically need a friend.. to help tackly my solitude.. but I don't know where to begin. As far as the rest of my problems go, do you have any suggestions? Because I have not eaten nor slept well in about 2 weeks.. And I need to be strong for my unborn baby.

January 25, 2001
3:17 pm
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Cici
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Depending on your history, this could be a trigger to a major depressive episode, or it could be what is called "situational depression" - which is normal, considering your situation and will pass in time.

But in the mean time, consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor. Support groups are offered at many community locations and are usually either free or a nominal charge. They also help you connect with others going through similar situations. A counselor can help yousort out your feelings and stabilize yourself.

BUT, why are you afraid of looking like a failure? And why is it "failure" to seek solace in your family, who are the only people you can truely depend on in this life?

Whenever I am down, when I was emotionally crushed and wreck from problems in my life, I go to my parents and they comfort me...they don't see it as a failure because they know that if they were in a similar situation they would feel badly as well.

Tell them exactly what you wrote in this post.

January 25, 2001
3:38 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Solitary,

California can be HARD to deal with, especially if you are coming from the east coast or midwest. I did the same thing... graduated from a college on the east coast, moved to Northern California, started a brand new job, moved in with my fiance and started hating life. Wish I could tell you that everything got fixed in a few months, but I ended up having to leave the state because it made me crazy. (I also had to leave the fiance because we were making eachother crazy, but that's another story.) You are NOT alone in feeling this way (even without the added stress of being pregnant)... seems like everyone I talk to loves California, but there are also perfectly sane young fun people who really don't buy into the hype and make much happier lives elsewhere.

The support group Cici mentions is a REALLY REALLY great idea. Another place to check is with your employer HR department, see if they have an Employee Assistance Program that you give you a confidential list of support groups in your area. The career might not be stimulating, but you can at least take advantage of some of the extended benefits, right?

And, if you just want some people to listen, keep posting. Tell us what's going on. If nothing else, perhaps one person has had experiences similar to yours and can make you feel not so alone and give you extra hope for the future. Peace.

January 25, 2001
3:42 pm
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Cheryl
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Dear Solitary,

You are NOT a failure! Finding out you've chosen a career that doesn't work for you does not make you a failure. Finding out that your fiance is a jerk does not make you a failure. Finding yourself lonely in an environment where you know no one does not make you a failure. I would say you're pretty darned remarkable for having the insight and guts to write into this sight.

My advice? I have a 22 year old daughter and - no matter what - if you were my daughter I would so want you to contact me. I would welcome you home with open arms and hugs. I would happily care for you and your baby. And I would not consider you a failure because you've hit some major kinks in your life path. You know what I suspect? Your parents will respond exactly like I would. Please, please, please phone your mother.

Cheryl

January 25, 2001
4:40 pm
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Alena
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You don't mention how your fiance' came up with this major confession, but am I correct in assuming that he wants out? Has he been cheating with someone back home? And is she still there? What does he want? What do YOU want.

You know, my first reaction as a woman is, drop the jerk and go on and yada yada yada, the whole normal reaction I guess. But I guess it's not a stupid question to ask, what do you want?? Is there a possibility of a reconciliation? Is he remorseful?
If so, and you love him and you know you can really live with him and not hold this against him forever and you can TRUST him (a BIG if) then I think you should get counseling together. Many people do face this and move on with each other. I actually know 2 couples who've been married for over 25 years after a cheating episode. And yes, they are pretty happy.

But, if not, I think you should go home to your parents. Get on your feet, have your baby, worry about a career change later. Suffer through this profession until you get over this "fiance' and baby" hurdle. Don't try to tackle everything at once.

You are not a failure. You are so much further than some folks your age. The career disappointment is just a temp setback. And hey, maybe it's just where you work that's the problem and not the career itself. Possible?

Deal with the fiance first, determine what you both want and go from there. First and foremost, care for yourself and your baby. Stay strong and know that he/she needs you more than anything. More than you need the fiance. You'll survive the loss of him if that's what it comes to.

January 25, 2001
8:12 pm
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solitary
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In response to the questions Alena posed... Yes, this woman that he was cheating with is from back home where we came from. And of course as a man in his predicament he is claiming that he loves me, etc. etc. But when the thought of reconciliation crosses my mind.. I think of how I am feeling now and I don't think I can handle another failure especially if I give him a second chance. I know I am not totally emotionally stable given the circumstances of my pregnancy and all...But I can't help but to feel like an absolute failure. I mean, before this relationship I was a healthy, thriving, beautiful, and goal oriented woman. Now I have lost that confidence because that wasn't good enough for him. And to think that I trusted him all these years. It makes me not want to go out there and try again after him because I don't want the next man to do the same thing to me. I think I will be better off on my own for the rest of my life. Do you think that these feelings will go away or is this just a phase of depression?

January 25, 2001
8:37 pm
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Molly
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both, depression, and the fact that your trust has been violated, time heals all wounds. How does he feel about being a father? Regardless, I say go home, get the love and assistance of your family, your going to need lots of love and help, as the belly grows, so will your anger. I hate California, and have been here most of my life, I mean there are some towns that are ok, but for the most part, GET ME OUT OF HERE, but it aint gonna happen soon. Many many people get into professions that they do not enjoy, pregnant or not, and if you are not ready to go home, which if either one of my 21, or 23 year old daughters, called and gave me your story I would fly down, or up to help pack. I am sure your folks would do the same. This is a very rough road to go alone, and the baby even though not out yet, knows mama, isn't happy, so try to eat, try to sleep, and maybe some of mom's love and cooking even if you just went home for a few days to get grounded would help, you can still fly at 5 months if I remember correctly. Take care of your self, and quit beating your self up, you were lied to.
love and peace to you and baby.

January 25, 2001
8:45 pm
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pg lova
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Solitary,

It's not your fault, so don't let it get you down. I am a minister and a firm believer that God causes things to happen for a reason. Whether we can or cannot see it, there is a reason for it. In your case, I believe that the fiance thing was for the best. You would only be hurting much more if you married him and then found that he was cheating. If anything it was better for you to find out now. Second, you are not a failure! You are an educated well rounded person who will amount to something in life. A college degree means that you will always be able to avoid having to work those minimum wage jobs. Thus, you are not a failure, but a success! If you do feel alone, then there is nothing wrong with going back to your parents, I know they'd be glad to see you. Who wouldn't be glad to see their well educated, well rounded success of a daughter? Before I go, I want to let you know that you are never alone. I definitely want to be your friend and anytime you need someone to talk to just e-mail me at [email protected].

God Bless U and take care of yourself

PG LOva

And remember "the battle is not yours it's the Lord's"

January 25, 2001
9:36 pm
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Alena
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24 is still so young, if you only knew how young. All the emotions you are feeling are totally justified. Give yourself some time to absorb all these decisions you're faced with.

And yes, what you are feeling can be temporary. Believe it or not, if you don't reconcile with him, you and the baby will survive. I have always believed in my own life that everything happens for a reason. If it's not evident now for you, a light will go on sometime in the future and you'll believe it.

It's so hard to go home. I know.

When we open ourselves up to the vulnerability of loving someone, we take an awfully big chance at getting hurt. So, going home and moving on with your life and going through the difficulties of it all is just one of the tough lessons we learn along the way. You will be okay. You have so much going for you. You will be that person you were before. If you were disciplined enough then, get disciplined with yourself again.
Don't let the breakup eat you up.

Are your parents supportive? Is that a viable option? If so, I'd get there soon and get settled so you're in touch with an OB and all that stuff. You need to be in a good frame of mind when baby comes, right?

Do you know what the baby is yet?

January 25, 2001
11:48 pm
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solitary
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In response to Alena, I should go back home I know.. but I have some family issues that I didn't include in my first message.. A short time ago my mother was diagnosed with leukemia and it has been a big burden on my family. She had a bone marrow transplant a month ago..and she really doesn't need any exposure to infection and such, so I don't want to burden my family further with my problems. After all I have been on my own this far for almost 4 years. I can't help but to feel like a failure going home. My family is supportive in whatever I do.. But I can see the "I told you so" looks coming at me to. I really can't handle anymore rejection at this point in my life!!

January 26, 2001
7:58 am
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janes
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So. Have you stopped beating yourself up over this yet? Feeling like a failure, (when you aren't) hating your job, stress stress stress.

It affects you and it truly affects the baby.

YOU CAN help feeling like a failure. IT is up to you. CHANGE your point of view on this.

My "surprsie " baby turned into a concert pianist and now is not only an accomplised musician but also LOVES teaching 8th graders.

YES this is a tough spot in your life. But it is good training for the rest of them.

We are NEVER promised life is going to be "easy". Each and every trauma etc. can be viewed as a learning experience.

(Wow...I won't do that again!!!!!) If you have medical insurance with your place of employment I'd stick there...having babies IS NOT CHEAP. Start building your support group where you are. If were confident beautiful etc. before..YOU STILL ARE!!!!! (Point of view)

Trusting the lover...If he is where you are hey....get into counseling..the two of you and work it out. Maybe not to the marriage point but maybe at least to the point that you two can parent this child with a reasonable facsimile of friendship and respect for one another because of the life you have fostered.

No more pity. There are 24 year olds who are in your same position without the hope of ever getting one college degree. You have one..a job..a car..etc. and NOW you can start investigating WHERE DOES MY LIFE GO NEXT!!! You have a future and can work at an icky job long enough to get into the career you love.

Good luck. Enjoy the life you have now it is the only one you are going to get so make the most of it.

j-

this is going to post twice...sorry.

January 26, 2001
10:29 am
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gastonma
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YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! God has a purpose for everyone in life.......I try to believe this despite my problems. You will do fine for yourself and your baby. Just have strength and love your child. I have a 9 month old baby girl and when I look into that sweet face there is nothing in the world that could anything seem bad in my life. You will feel the same way. Just trust in Jesus and God Bless You and your unborn baby.

January 26, 2001
10:36 am
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Cici
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solitary, I have to mention that the averge american changes jobs about 9 times in their life, nowadays. And with the instability of the job market, that number is increasing. Also, the majority of american workers work in a field unrelated to what they studied in college....so, are the other 150 million people out there failures, too?

For me, the best tactic has been intellectualizing (maybe a coping mechanism, but one that has stood the test of time). When I was suffering from drug addiction, rape trauma, and had the resultant (still do) PTSD, it sucked. I was even homeless for a short period of time. But I kept thinking, this, too, shall pass. that's what life is about. Things happen, good or bad, but they are all transitory. It has been a comfort to me, I don't know if it will help you or not....

2 books I recommend that everyone read:
"Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl
"Toward a Psychology of Being" by Abraham Maslow.

January 26, 2001
7:45 pm
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Molly
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Please for the sake of the baby, get your self together. The baby feels all that is going on, and considering all that is going on, the last thing you need is to give birth to a baby with cholic. Maybe it would support mom's healing to have a grand baby to heal for , gosh and golly I doubt infections would be a consideration, but very polite of you. Have you told them what you are experiencing? Bet Dad would be there in a heart beat if he could. Failure , I sure as heck can't get where you are getting this concept of your self so just quit it, who or what does it serve. You have a responsibility mom, to be together, be healthy, and to be celebratory of the miracle you are about to receive. So put your hand on your belly, and tell baby, that it is ok, that we are ok, and that you love baby, and relaxe. Fill your soul with the love of the life that you are gestating, life on the out side will work its self out, but you need to be present emotionally as it does change the chemicals, and if going home, or staying and working it with him works for you who cares, right now, just chill, eat and sleep.

January 26, 2001
9:46 pm
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solitary
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I understand what you all are saying and I surely appreciate the information. But I believe that my feelings and depression have a lot to do with my pregnant hormones. I am however, taking this whole thing one day at a time because I know time heals all wounds. I got some good news today!!... I went for my first ultrasound and found out that the baby is perfectly healthy (THANK GOD) and I found out that I am carrying a boy. I know I am blessed and these feelings will soon pass. A lot of this also must have to do with my lack of experience in this serious type of relationship that I thought would last forever. I am pretty sad about that. But I know that the ball is in my court and I need to make the best decision possible for my little baby boy. I appreciate all of you all comments and suggestions.. I am feeling better about myself. However, the situation with my parents is a little bit deeper than what I expressed earlier on. I have decided to put this in to God's hands because I know I will find out how to come to terms with this that way. I am being strong for my little baby.. I don't really know how to fix my sleep disturbance problem, but I did manage to eat really well today.. and thats a start. I think I would feel much better if I had my friends around me out here in California. But I know I will soon meet people out here with the same interests as my own. But like I said I know this is a day by day process and things will get better with time.

January 26, 2001
10:56 pm
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ranmar1
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Solitary,
I am in Calif. It really is not bad. I was born and raised here. There are a lot of good people out here, and a lot of support too. You just have to know where to look. As for your boyfriend, what kind of role model can he be for his son? Is this who you want to spend your life with? Is he really a responsible person? Look under Help Me Please, and you will see my story. Not all relationships are fairytales, and sometimes, people stray out of the "norm", whatever the norm is. Stay strong not only for yourself, but for your baby too. You sound like you are really starting to be in touch with your feelings and emotions, which is a first step. Do not retreat into a shell, but stay connected with people. People want to help and inspire others. You will see this the more you follow some of these threads. There is so much support out there.
Good luck.

January 26, 2001
11:17 pm
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Alena
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Congratulations on carrying a healthy baby boy! What great news! Moms and their sons, wait till you get into that whole thing! It's a whole new ball game, believe me. Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons. He is definitely going to be the light of your life. Make him your first priority starting right now. He has no one else buy you Solitary. He is totally dependent on his mom for life and you need to do whatever it takes to fill his needs. Starting with taking good care of his mom.

If you went home, could you just live near by your parents, not necessarily in the same home. Just close enough to be with your friends and see your parents? Do you have a job you could go back to?

Stay strong, you'll be okay.

January 27, 2001
3:18 pm
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solitary
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I decided that today was going to be the beginning of my new life.. Meaning, all of my choices from this day forth are going to be more positive and for the best for my baby. I have to stop thinking about myself because it isn't even about me anymore. For now on I have to suffice my own feelings about each and every situation and do what is best for my son. About the boyfriend and "father" situation, I certainly don't want to be in a situation where my son will later say that I took him away from his father. That is something that I will surely regret for the rest of my life. Because, truthfully, my boyfriend was a wonderful man despite his unfaithfulness. I can learn to forgive him for what he did, but I know I can't forget...And I certainly don't want to hold any grudges either. But as far as working on our relationship is concerned.. I asked myself "what is best for my son?" I know that my little boy will one day start to ask questions about his father and I want his father to be the one to answer them. But I don't believe in "being together" just for the child either because I believe that will cause unneccesary problems in the future too. So like I said before.. I am going to put this in to God's hands because I know I will find answers that will lead me in the right path. But do any of you have anymore suggestions?

January 28, 2001
9:24 am
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janes
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TIME OUT!!!! Codependent thinking going on here. You are tihgt ...it isn't ALL about you anymore. But if some of it isn't about you then you still don't get it.

This baby doesn't need a mom who threw her own personal life away for the baby. The two of you are in this together. And you need to have your own life becasue the baby WILL grow up and move into his own life. And you will stay in your life. Foster your own interests and find your SELF!!!!

Doing the day by day thing is GREAT!!! EXercise, eat right, think positive thoughts etc etc etc.
You are right on that being together for the baby is no true reason to be together.

See if your insurance covers counseling and find one. It never hurts to work on your self with a objective third party.

Plus you could sort out some of the family stuff too.

God wants us to forgive and forget...it's tough tho'. Just workon it.

Goodluck

January 28, 2001
1:32 pm
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solitary
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In response to janes... you are completely right. Maybe you misunderstood what I was getting at. I am not giving up my personal life for my child..however, my child does come first before my personal life and anyone who is apart of my life should understand that. And about the "boyfriend" situation..I am taking that one day at a time. I certainly don't want to be with him just because we share paternal responsibility. If we end up together it is because we love and respect each other and we will do what it takes (even counseling) to make our relationship work. I just don't want our seperation to have any affect on my son. I want my son to know his father for who he "can" be. I don't want to pose anything negative on my son (basically being bitter and angry) just because of what happened with his father and I. This past week has been a true wakeup call.. not all love stories have happy endings. I am starting to feel better about myself, whether I am alone or around company. I started writing in a journal to get all of my pint up emotions and feelings out... and that has been really helpful. I also plan to start exercising again and maybe take a yoga class. I feel like I am progressing extensively since the first time I wrote a thread. This internet site has also been extremely helpful. But I know yet and still I am not healed...I still get extremely depressed (usually when I wake up in the morning) but by the end of the day I feel much better.

February 27, 2001
2:52 pm
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cesar
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I read this thread with great interest, because it resembles what I have been going through with the difference that I'm male. My trauma has ended, since my girlfriend is now my x-girlfriend. But if I can give you one word of advice, when it comes to rebuilding a relation after betrayel, it is this. Focus on actions. Some people are screw up in the head and care only about there personal satisfaction, and to this end will say almost anything. But while words can fool you, actions never will. Is your boyfriend doing the things necesary to regain your Love and trust?

.Cesar

February 27, 2001
7:49 pm
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Molly
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Yoga will be great, and you'll meet other mom's to be. But you said, you wantyour son to know who his father "can" be. I believe in devine intervention, but lets get real. If this guy doesn't step up to the plate, and ask for marriage, and truly be a dad, get his character together over night, and I truly do not expect that, you are fantasizing. What do you think he is going to role model for your son, womanizing, drop the sperm, and find some one else to play with??? Check out your insurance like Janes stated, and go get some counseling. I don't care what we want to believe, people can learn, but they do not change. I am sorry if this sounded brutal but ..... Its Molly and I got my panties in a wad over that statement. Truly want the best for you.

February 28, 2001
7:48 am
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janes
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Hey...tell us what is going on...it's been awhile.

March 2, 2001
4:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Girlfriend....you are doing soooo well for someone of your age to be facing all of this at once. My hat is OFF to you!!!! I live in California and I love it. Just recently moved back to the East Coast and hated it, so it goes both ways. You just need to find new friends out here. But, your mindset overall is really good, was just scrolling down and reading how you've changed just here and it's amazing. You're a fighter and will be an excellent mommie. We make plans and life happens, huh? Yup, sure does look that way sometimes. But, then again things that look like disaster can turn out to be major blessings. This is a pivot point in your life where you can change alot of things and basically just do some major growing up, which are doing, btw.

Self education is the key, too. Just being aware of how we tick and most importantly - being true to yourself. God just may be shaking you free of a few things so you can truly be - who you were meant to be. I've gone through that - fussing and fuming the whole way through until I went....Oh.....there's an open door over here I never saw before! Well, Duh - I had my eyes closed in my screaming fit and couldn't see or hear anything! LOL! Valley can produce the most awesome mountains. You have no place to look except up. We always get so afraid of them, but it is here that we learn so many wonderful things about ourselves and life.

One day at a time is the trick. Making small goals, keeping focused and keeping a positive mindset. You can do this and you could do it - without going back home. But, if you do need to go home - usually the "I told you so" thing only lasts for a little while and then it's over, ya know? Blah, blah, blah - okay, are you done now? I am - so get over it! (smile)

You may need the support of all your friends and family, so don't go with your tail between your legs. Good grief, it's not like any of them haven't made mistakes or going to make them. Geez, I just love judgemental people. Don't have time for them and neither should you. No hanging your head and no studying your belly button....well, in your case the belly stare is okay - it's going to be popping out soon!!!! You have a wonderful little package there that is going to brighten your life more than you will ever know. I raised one on my own and she is 21 now. God couldn't have given me a brighter angel. You won't be perfect either. You'll be "human". And your child needs to see that. My daughter always says the one thing that really affected her was - I'd always admit my mistakes, I'd fix them and I always believed in her and I always talked to her, but knew how to be the heavy when I had to. It's a blend and you'll figure it out.

Life is something we never quite get. We learn as we go and we share our wisdom when we get older. Mostly I've learned - I don't know a darned thing!! (LOL!) My daughter taught me that one, they are good at that! Little rug rats.

March 9, 2001
7:18 am
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yunan
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oh my dear...

read and understand al quran..

i hope you will happy.

thank you.

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