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I Don't Want To Be Here
April 23, 2001
2:32 am
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sidney
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September 24, 2010
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Really, I dont' want to be here. I don't even know if I *need* to be here. So many things, far worse than even I can imagine, has happened to others, I have a complex about that kind of thing. My grandmother used to "People in Auchwitz would love to have your problems." She's probably right.

In the meant time, I'm 26 and I can't seem to have intimate relationships. With femals friends or with boyfriends. Sometimes it feels like I'm being raped - which is a bit silly because I'm a willing participant and yet I close my eyes and this fear takes over.

A few years ago I had, I don't know if it was a memory, or what, but I think that my biological father abused me when I was a toddler.

In fact, it's the only thing that makes sense when you look at how he acted when I met him when I was 18. I won't go into a long story, but whatever happened to me, I need help.

I don't want to read books or jump on a bandwagon - does that make sense?

But, I'm tired of running. Running away from myself, men, friends. I don't love myself, I'm not a big fan of who I am - though I'm nice, I've never accepted myself.

Since I was a child I can remember sealing myself off from the world - like I knew something they didn't know. Yet, all those years I never knew what that was, but a wall was there all the same.

I'm going to give out a personal email address on this site hoping that someone will help me find some help.

Thank you very much for your time, and for reading my mail.

[email protected]

sidney

April 23, 2001
12:13 pm
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Molly
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Stating that you don't want to read books or jump on a band wagon, just what do you want. I am still searching for the magic wand, as have a few others, with no success. Change takes work, it took a while for the thought processes that you have to take hold, and it will take longer to let go of them. Sexual abuse, and the consequences of that take time to evidence its ugly head for us to recognize, and requires help . Books counseling, group, and a healthy balanced life style, food, exercise, and social balance are all part of the RX. We give lots of advice on line, but what do you want?

April 23, 2001
1:31 pm
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grass
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September 27, 2010
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Something had to have happened, if you can't open up or be intimate. We were made to live with others to be in community. Therefore, somewhere along the line someone destroyed your trust and the way you veiw others and especially youself. Someone had made you feel shame for who you are, maybe for even living. I'm sorry...it's hard to live like that, because if you are not comfortable with your humanity, you are not going to be comfortable with any one else.

I don't think that your problems are tivial, everyone needs to feel like they belong here on earth and that they belong "in their body". Sex is something that reaches the core of a person, a huge part of humanity. Why do you consent to sex when you obviously don't enjoy it and it causes you so much fear?

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