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I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
July 19, 2005
7:29 pm
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jamaicanwife
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This the first line of a song by Gavin DeGraw. The first time I heard it, I thought, what a confident young man, wouldn't it be great to feel that way!

So here I am at work having a bit*h of a week - I can't believe its only Tuesday - and I'm realizing something very important. I want to be myself. I want to get past this place, I do want my boss and my supervisor to have faith in me, but I am not wishing that I was someone else, and I'm not trying to function like anybody else.

I may feel like crap right now (reading an email about me that was accidentally sent to me by my boss didn't help), but I still don't want to exchange my life with anybody else's, because somewhere along the line, I have started to appreciate the value of being me.

Small steps.

July 19, 2005
9:20 pm
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jamaicanwife
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And then I go into the kitchen and put my cup in the microwave and while I'm waiting I just start bawling.

This is hard. I refuse to say that it is too hard. It is hard, but I must be able to do this. Otherwise, it would not have been put on my plate, right?

July 19, 2005
9:40 pm
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exoticflower
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JW, I know exactly where you are right now...it sucks, all in its own wonderful way! Are we angry? Are we pleased? Frustrated? Hopeful?

Absolutely.

Of course, nothing good comes easy, I've heard, Not that I plan to quit playing the lottery mind you.

I love this line, btw, thanks for posting it...are you feeling any better about the negatives as you focus on the possitive?

July 19, 2005
9:52 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I am trying to make it through this day without thinking about tomorrow. One day at a time, one minute at a time.

Every minute brings another thing to add to the pile that is already sitting on my shoulders, and my usual responses all cause pain to others. I have no choice but to try to respond in a new way.

The crying in the office kitchen surprised me, although I guess it was heading that way all day, what with almost breaking down in a meeting and it being that time of the month.

The credit card people called me after my second post, by the way, and I didn't start crying again.

I just need to get through this day.

July 19, 2005
9:57 pm
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exoticflower
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And you WILL get through it, jw. Just like yesterday and just like tommorow. Maybe not pleasantly each time, but alive and with the chance to do things differently the next day, so things are already looking up.

(((((jw))))), this too shall pass.

July 19, 2005
10:40 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Thanks. I needed that hug.

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