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I don't understand.
April 13, 2007
11:24 am
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3rdxsacharm
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I started seeing this guy back in January and we get along really well and have a lot of fun together. He was just put into rehab for alcoholism and has been there for a week now. All the counseling that he's getting is making him remember things that he's buried from his past a long time ago. This is making him pull away from me and become very distant. I've always knew I was co-dependent but thought I had overcame it when I left my first husband who was very abusive to me. Last night I went to my first Ala-Non meeting and realized that not only have I not overcome it yet but my second husband had taken advantage of my co-dependency and used it to his advantage. Now with this 3rd relationship that I'm in I'm seeing those tendencies surface again not only in myself but also in him. I don't understand why I can't get over the dependency or what to do so that I don't ruin this relationship. I am a very needy person who wants all of his attention and affirmation that he cares about me all the time and I feel this is pushing him away. Is there anyone out there who can help me stop these destructive behaviors before it's to late? I'm open to all thoughts and will try just about anything right now in order not to lose him. Thanks for your help in advance!

April 13, 2007
11:40 am
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nappy
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Is there anyone out there who can help me stop these destructive behaviors before it's to late?

YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since you already know what they are then look at the red flags and start working on yourself.

You have to understand also that people comes into our lives for a reason and sometimes that reason if to teach us about ourselves. Sometimes I feel that they wasn't meant to stay, just to help us along in life to be a better person.
Nappy!

April 13, 2007
11:43 am
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atalose
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Co-dependency and addiction usually go hand n hand.

You have only been seeing this guy for 3 months and likely all of that time he's been drunk. So this relationship is based on someone who didn't really fully participate, how could he have when his focus was on drinking and numbing his feelings.

You state you are needy, getting your needs met by an alcoholic will never happen unless he is totaly focused on the relationship. Which he is not if he's in rehab.

Being needy and needing attention all the time does push people away. Getting to the root of why you feel that way, what causes you to have those out of control emotions is the only way you are going to stop them from destroying further relationships.

He has along road ahead of him, his focus now has to be on himself and his soberity, having a needy person in his life is not healthy for him right now. He can't work on both and they will tell him that in rehab. Often they are told not to make any major changes including relationships for a year. He needs allot of time to get sober and remain sober. You can't help him with that. You can support his recovery but then you really need to ask youself if you are capabily of giving up your needs of wanting attention and wanting him to constantly reassure you of his devotion so that he can get and stay sober. Right now he cannot do both.

Maybe it's time for you to work on you and let him work on him and after 90 days or so of him being sober then see if a relationship between the two of you is what you both really want.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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