Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I don't know..........
April 30, 2000
8:25 am
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

can someone tell me why keep demanding for more? I had been giving more than 60% of my salary to my family. With the high living standard, I don't have much to save for my own use. I got my salary raise, but my mother keep asking more. I refused. 'coz this time, I really want to spend for my own use, so that my own budget won't be so tight. You know what, I have to calculate every time I spend. even on little stuffs. and most of the time, there are a lot of stuff I can't buy because of the tight budget every month. But I keep being blamed for not giving. is this my fault? Is this my fault for not giving? Is this my fault?

April 30, 2000
8:51 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You keep getting blames because the limits you set before were so "weak".

It is not your fault that you are living with the rules laid down by others whenyou were a child. It will be your fault if yoou continue to let them use you in this way.

It is sad if your folks don't have enough money. I am sure that if they are conservative they can get by.

You need to conter your self on your self.
As to your folks blaming you if you don't give them more money remember what my gramma alsways said..."some people would complain if they were hung with a new rope." You may not ever be able to satisfy your folks. That is not your job. It is your job, as a child, to grow up to be the best person you can be. The bible says "and a man shall lieave his parents".. same goes for women... we leave home and start our own lives. This doesn't mean we don't care...it means we take care of ourselves first.

Stand firm on your boundaries. "I am sorry you feel that way Mom but I need to save for my future too." "Mom, TRYING to make me feel guilty is not going to work..I already help you a lot and I am doing all I can."

Are they so elderly they cannot work?
do they spend frivously ? do you have siblings that can help them?

I think if you are doing all you can just stop letting them use th eguilt trip. It has worked in the past and it will take them some time to learn it isn't working any more. You cando it.

YOur main thing is to get enough $$$ together to get out of there permenantly, hopefully to a different town... or country!!!

It is nout your fault. Your parents are supposed to take care of themselves!!!!

April 30, 2000
11:26 am
Avatar
Brenda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Take Janes fantastic advice, oh boy...

May 1, 2000
12:21 pm
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

......maybe it's because we're trained to be like that........our culture says, "it's our RESPONSIBILITY to take care of our parents till the day they pass away"........and we pay a lot of emphasis on sacrifice for parents. You must do everything you can if your parents want. It can be the biggest guilt if you mistreat / dis-obey your parents. so, it really makes me feel bad if I simply save money and simply go away from them. The idea of leavig clashes with my moral rules........it seems as if I dumped them and escape from the problem. I mean, as a 'child', I don't want to leave my parents. I want to have a happy family to live with. I am also willing to share my responsibility of family chores. it's just those demands are so unacceptable to me.

My parents are not very old. early 50.....but my mother has mental illness, she never works. My father is not well-educated, and because of the high umemployment rate, my father doesn't get stable job. One day he's working for this place, the other day he's unemployed. also, my younger sis gives only part of her salary for my family. Therefore, I am the major financial source for my family....... The fact is, we 're not very very poor. we aren't like, starving for food / money. To my knowledge, the sum of contribution from my sis and I is able to cover the expenses. Of course, we can't get luxurious living. I am satisfied with it........I don't care if my parents work or not. If they choose not to, it doesn't matter with me. I just can't stand it when sometimes my parents buy expensive stuffs, and those things are not essential stuffs for daily use; but blames me for buying some favourite accessories. sometimes, I just want to buy sth to cheer up myself. maybe a gift, a good dinner or nice trip with friends. To others, these may seem insignificant, but these are essential for me. working life is stressful, I need to get sth to cheer up myself too. but there's no support from them. only blames. In their minds, if I cut my expenses on those "insignificant" stuff, I should have "a lot of money" and I should contribute all to my family......................

My mother has quite a lot of hopes on me. she wants me to be brilliant student in school; wants me to go this good univeristy, wants me to do the grad studies, wants me to my PhD, then to work for this to do that..... but I refused to follow after I finish my grad studies. since then she keeps saying that if you had been doing the PhD, in three years, you'll be blah, blah, blah........like good life and fortune are guaranteed, if and only if I have a PhD degree. Like I shouldn't let her down, I should be the one to make all her hopes come true. BUT, I do have my way of thinking too. I do want my life to go in a different way, at least, in my way....... bad or good, just my way of living. Just my way of living. I never want to get a PhD degree, what for? I don't need this crap. Who cares if I dont' have a PhD degree? I won't lose my friends or family or any other things if I don' t have a degree. I dont' even need it for those things I want to achieve.......... it's jsut ridiculous. do I get a PhD degree just for aPhD degree? I want only a simple life. Living freely. Do whatever I wanted to do, provied that it causes no harm to others.

Oh, it's been so long now. I must have been boring you. thanks for listening.

May 1, 2000
12:25 pm
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

......maybe it's because we're trained to be like that........our culture says, "it's our RESPONSIBILITY to take care of our parents till the day they pass away"........and we pay a lot of emphasis on sacrifice for parents. You must do everything you can if your parents want. It can be the biggest guilt if you mistreat / dis-obey your parents. so, it really makes me feel bad if I simply save money and simply go away from them. The idea of leavig clashes with my moral rules........it seems as if I dumped them and escape from the problem. I mean, as a 'child', I don't want to leave my parents. I want to have a happy family to live with. I am also willing to share my responsibility of family chores. it's just those demands are so unacceptable to me.

My parents are not very old. early 50.....but my mother has mental illness, she never works. My father is not well-educated, and because of the high umemployment rate, my father doesn't get stable job. One day he's working for this place, the other day he's unemployed. also, my younger sis gives only part of her salary for my family. Therefore, I am the major financial source for my family....... The fact is, we 're not very very poor. we aren't like, starving for food / money. To my knowledge, the sum of contribution from my sis and I is able to cover the expenses. Of course, we can't get luxurious living. I am satisfied with it........I don't care if my parents work or not. If they choose not to, it doesn't matter with me. I just can't stand it when sometimes my parents buy expensive stuffs, and those things are not essential stuffs for daily use; but blames me for buying some favourite accessories. sometimes, I just want to buy sth to cheer up myself. maybe a gift, a good dinner or nice trip with friends. To others, these may seem insignificant, but these are essential for me. working life is stressful, I need to get sth to cheer up myself too. but there's no support from them. only blames. In their minds, if I cut my expenses on those "insignificant" stuff, I should have "a lot of money" and I should contribute all to my family......................

My mother has quite a lot of hopes on me. she wants me to be brilliant student in school; wants me to go this good univeristy, wants me to do the grad studies, wants me to my PhD, then to work for this to do that..... but I refused to follow after I finish my grad studies. since then she keeps saying that if you had been doing the PhD, in three years, you'll be blah, blah, blah........like good life and fortune are guaranteed, if and only if I have a PhD degree. Like I shouldn't let her down, I should be the one to make all her hopes come true. BUT, I do have my way of thinking too. I do want my life to go in a different way, at least, in my way....... bad or good, just my way of living. Just my way of living. I never want to get a PhD degree, what for? I don't need this crap. Who cares if I dont' have a PhD degree? I won't lose my friends or family or any other things if I don' t have a degree. I dont' even need it for those things I want to achieve.......... it's jsut ridiculous. do I get a PhD degree just for aPhD degree? I want only a simple life. Living freely. Do whatever I wanted to do, provied that it causes no harm to others.

Oh, it's been so long now. I must have been boring you. thanks for listening.

May 1, 2000
8:23 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Training may be a large part of it...but also..if training is it ..where are your siblings? Culture and society say it is our job to care for our parents when THEY CAN NO LONGER CARE FOR THEMSELVES!!! (REREAD THAT!!!!)

STOP ALREADY. If you were born when your parents were 22 you are 28 or so. It is time you left home.even if you are only 18! You deserve more from them as parents. Love them all you want but look at the fact that you are supporting them. You must be old enough to realize that "the happy home" you yearn for is not with them. Well educated or not your dad should be able to provide for just your mother and he.
Maybe with a BIT of help from you and your sis.

They are using you so badly. And the guilt you allow yourself to accept is not healthy. You should not be expected to allow your mother to live her life through you. YOU need to do what YOU want to do with your life. Telling them no is NOT being disobedient. No way. This situation is not good for them and it is not good for you. They are your parents. They are supposed to be helping you. Are you ready to support them if the live to be 90? That is another FORTY YEARS. When are you going to start your life.

Find the book "The PRophet" by Kahlil Gibran... read the section "On Children"... Children are supposed to grow up, move out and have a life of thier own. Occasionally they come home to visit and bring a gift (maybe)

Start saying NO NO NONO You are a grown up. If they are living cumfortably now...they should give up some of the stuff too. You deserve more.

I have not heard of moral rules that tell a child to submit their life and everything to parents. That is not how it is done. Parents raise children to go out on their own. then the parents have their own life once again.
Somewhere you have taken the rules and made them to strigent to live by...

This situation has got to stop Jasmine. If you don't start to stop it..by letting yourself NOT feel guilty...it will never stop. Love them..don't live for them.

Sounds to me like you are being the parent here..and that is not right.

Honey, I don't want to sound this harsh but I am almost in my early fifty's and I want to see my kids FLY AWAY. They are great kids but I want my own life again.

what is happening to you isn't good. Maybe it is your mom's mental illness and your dad's willlingness to let hemself be cared for but you need to GET OUT. Obviously before you were old enough to work they were able to get by somehow. Without you and your sister to pay for it will be cheaper yet.

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!!!!! You should care about your folks not care for them. I could understand if they wwere in their 80's but they are not. and mentally ill or not your mom does not have the right to do this to you.

Get strong. Get out. Lose the guilt. it isn't yours to carry..it should be thiers for being such moochers and taking your life away from you. Shame on them

But shame on you if you keep buying into this sad situation. They are young enough to still have plenty of options. Don't let them use yours.

May 2, 2000
10:20 am
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thx for your post. Maybe I need time to digest what you say. "I have not heard of moral rules that tell a child to submit their life and everything to parents. That is not how it is done. Parents raise children to go out on their own. then the parents have their own life once again." This's not happening in our society....... "I want to see my kids FLY AWAY", I wonder if they have ever think about this. ....... They're kind of old-fashioned people. "my daugther could only fly away only when she marry a good guy". they see him went away, thinking that it's my problem....so i am not allowed to fly away. ...... I think I should start thinking about what you said.

May 2, 2000
6:25 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Old fashioned or not....even in the pioneer days in USA kids grew and LEFT
Married, started their own families. They may even stayed to help on family farm but they were their own people..ADULTS...even in extended families of today which are rare but I am in one...I RAISE MY KIDS not my mom..Also I pay my bills and my parents pay theirs.

What do you mean "you are not ALLOWED to fly away. If you are of voting age you are ALLOWED

It is you who are not allowing..Take your life back..take it to start with..Is your younger sibling on her own? Then you can be too Man or no man.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

May 3, 2000
7:34 am
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm not saying I need a man. it's like there's always sth hindering when I want to move on. .... oh, my younger sis. She's always not at home, won't come back until everyone went to bed.

May 3, 2000
8:31 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Go with her!!!!!!

Stop being in charge of the people who are supposed to be the adults!!!

I'm not saying youneed a man either..just tell your mom that!

Nothing can hinder you if you don't let it.

Drop the guilt. If you leave..they will survive..Promise!!1

May 6, 2000
7:27 pm
Avatar
leda
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi jasmine.
i have been in a situation similar to yours. both my parents believed in the same tradition of taking care of your elders. i have always agreed with this; they sacrificed for me their whole adult lives; it's the least i could do to help them out as an adult. but your parents are acting like children (the same way my father does). they are asking too much of you. you are an adult and you are free to do what you want.

it was very difficult for me to move out when i was 23, because my mother had cancer and my father suffered occasional bouts of mental illness. but i moved out, and it was the best decision i could have made. we must all learn to take care of ourSELVES, and your parents are (unwittingly) taking that rite of passage away from you.

i'm 35 now, and my dad still expects me to give him money. he lives on social security (not much!), no pension or anything, and barely has enough to lead an enjoyable life. especially now that he has a girlfriend and wants to take her out to dinner and things. so i and my siblings give him about $40 a month, ( all i can afford -- i'm a student as well). my siblings have stopped giving him money, and i did for a while too, but he keeps maxing out his credit cards. we tried writing out a budget for him to follow, but he doesn't.

and you know what? reading this thread has convinced me that i too should stop enabling my dad to be a selfish child (even tho he is a good person, and would do anything for me at a moment's notice).

yet at the same time, he can't work because of the combination of his mental health issues and that fact that he's now 73 years old.
i don't know what to do either!

however i think a good compromise is to just give him some money every once in a while (i can't stand to see him getting those cash advances off his credit card!). this will make me feel better about at least helping him a little. but i am going to tell him, tomorrow in fact, when i see him, that i can no longer give him a monthly stipend.

i hope you find the strength SOON to live your own life and stop feeling guilty for things that are NOT your responsibility.

good luck!

leda

May 6, 2000
11:08 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Leda...what a wonderful message to send.

We all need to realize that sometimes the guilt WE LET OURSELVES FEEL is just not appropriate.!!

It can be so hard tho'.

But we need to be strong tho'.

Jasmine...You may find...IN THE LONG RUN... that if you move out and only give your parents a little...that they can take care of themselves. It can't be good for them to take take take from you. It isn't good for their self esteem or for yours.

C'mon now....we are rooting for you!!!

You can do it if you want!!!

May 8, 2000
12:32 pm
Avatar
Jasmine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

occasional bout of mental illness......leda, yes. that thrills.
Actually, I tried to leave. I've been searching for renting for an appartment ...... unfortunately, rent is high in the city I live. My salary is unable to cover the rent + electricity + water + gases + food + all other expenses..... so, janes, like you suggested before, I tried to have little vacation during weekends; so that I can let myself away from home....but still, it seems that can helps only a little, i
mean, it's a temporary relief, the problem has not been stemed. Now I feel like I don't want to go home. i jsut came home........only at this time, I feel comfortable, as there is no one bothering me.

May 9, 2000
6:39 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We all feel more comfortable when noone is bothering us. Acceptance of the fact that how they are treating you is unfair is a first step. Payment of reasonable room and board wouldn't be out of the question. But you need to be able to save enough to have your own life.

Moving to a cheaper town or looking for a place with a roomate are also possibilites that maybe you haven't explored.

Any of these solutions will only help a little as the root cause is not being addressed. Thatof your parents possible unreasonableness and their using you and your sister. . But you can't change your parents. You can only change you. So... grieving the fact that you do not have parents that are parenting you...that are not acting like parents currently.. accepting the fact they are who they are and may not change...what would be your next step?

Detachment from their demands.

As an adult you can tell them "NO". they will respond with guilt causing statements. You will need to not accept these as relating to you just as a means for them to get what they want.

Try to st ep away from the emotions in the situation and look at the behaviors involved what you do...how they respond and how you feel about it. Your reponse to them becomes the key.

as long as you accept the guilt you will feel bad. Why don't you and your sister team up to make the situation better for both of you.

If there are four people in the house you are only responsible for 1/4 of the elec., 1/4 of the rent, 1/4 of the water. If the water gets turned off..shower at the gym at the university.

But whatever....I think the key is still your response to them and how you react. Look at what you can control (it's not them) what you can change (it's not them) and work on what you can. Learn the serenity prayer.

set a goal, timeline for getting out and SAVE FIRST for your get away. You should always "pay yourself first" When you save up enough get a room in a rooming house. Yes it will take time. but you can make your life bearable til then

Put yourslef first !!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
21
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110930
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714214
Newest Members:
才艺, stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer