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i dont know what to do, I found someone else and now the ex wants me back!
October 11, 2006
10:26 am
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Anonymous
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Hi,
I havent been here in a long time. I dont know if any of you remember my story but my ex put me through hell. He cheated, he lied, and he strung me along. We broke up back in June and we have tried to remain friends. I met someone else and he knows about it. He now wnats me back saying how much he misses me and how sorry he is for everything he did to me. I still have feelings for him but I am not sure if it is for the wrong reason. Has anyone had a similar experience? If so what was the outcome, what should I do?

October 11, 2006
10:32 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I had same experience.

was with ex-ex for three years - on again off again....same merry go round - never really getting anywhere.

I met someone new and broke up with him - well, our relationship was in the toilet already, but couldn't make him "stay gone"....figured a new guy would do that.

So, I am dating new guy and ex-ex calls and says he loves me, misses me, wants to get married, bought a house for our family, yada yada yada....it didn't really work at that moment, but the minute things with the new guy didn't look promising, I went back to the ex-ex.

mind you, I stayed in contact with the ex-ex, which new guy knew - and I tried to retain the friendship.

well, the feelings were hard to ignore, so I tried again.

it flopped in a matter of weeks - just like always.

only this time, when I found out what was going on, how he lied to me, etc, I flipped out and made the break permanent this time.....I created an ugly situation that made him hate me for a good long time - and he'll never forget it, or come back.

anyway, I went back to the new guy, and stayed in a 2 year miserable roller coaster ride with him.

I am free now - but only because I finally looked at the common denominator in all this - ME - and worked on fixing the flaws that made me pick such losers.

my only advice is that he is the ex for a reason - and no amount of words will fix the damage done, or make it suddenly better....people don't change overnight - do you really want another ticket on the same ride?

of course you have feelings for him - that may never change....and he may have loved you before....but was he was offering wasn't "enough" - and it won't be this time either...he'll love you the best he knows how, but it's probably gonna turn out the same as before - cuz he doesn't know how to love you the way you need to be loved - no matter what he promises.

October 11, 2006
10:47 am
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atalose
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Rise is correct, he is an ex for a reason. Most likely if you go back it will be a shorter and quicker repeat ending of the last time.
I learned along time ago, remaining friends is not good, especialy when one person is so emotionaly attached to the other. You never give yourself time to grieve the ending of the relationship because you are still dancing with the corps.
I think you would be making a the same mistake all over again. If you had not remained friends with him all this time, who knows, maybe he would have had the chance to change but you are the best judge of that seeing you have remained friends. Has he gone for any kind of therapy or counseling or anything? What has changed in in life, has he dated others? did he just end a short lived relationship with someone else? It would appear that you have not changed, and if he's not changed that would equal exactely what happened in the past.
I would really think long and hard about this one.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 11, 2006
10:50 am
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newmoon
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Wow, Rising, your story really struck a chord with me, especially your words: "I am free now - but only because I finally looked at the common denominator in all this - ME"

This is the stage I hope to enter now. To stop focusing on the man (which becomes a serious distraction from seeing myself clearly) and taking a hard look at myself and why I'm attracted to the illusion of a man's lies and the enchantment of his deception.

October 11, 2006
10:51 am
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newmoon
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atalose - just want to say that I love your phrase: "dancing with the corpse" - how true.

October 11, 2006
10:57 am
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Well I have gotten myself into a hell of a mess. I met the "new guy" a couple of months ago. He was unhappily married and has a child. We instantly clicked and it just felt right. He was still living with his wife and now he has separated from her and asked if he could stay with me. I said yes because I felt like it would help. He has been staying with me for a couple of days. Last night he woke me up and said he couldn't sleep and that maybe we were going about this the wrong way and he might just go home. He said that it would allow him to get his life straightened out and then when he had his own place we could start dating like a real couple. I started crying and just told him to do what he needed to do. We kept talking and eventually he decided to stay.

When I was upset and crying my first reaction was to call the ex but I didn't. I am not really being fair to him either because we have continued to talk and be friends this whole time. I really don't know what I want. The new guy I met is amazing but he is bringing a lot with him. He has a small child and needs to start the divorce process.
Do you think it would be best to let him get his life straight? I don't want to be his crutch.

The ex is very good at persuading me but I just don't want to make a bad choice. Maybe being with neither one of them is best.

When the ex and I broke up it was so hard and I cried all of the time. I was going to counseling and thought I was doing pretty well. However, looking back I always maintained contact with the ex and maybe I have never truly been alone. I live alone but I am starting to think maybe I have never been alone.

As soon as I think I am making progress, I wind up in the same mess. I think eveyone has the right idea, maybe this is "me"

October 11, 2006
11:06 am
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risingfromtheashes
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lost,

my ex was almost in the same situation.

he was living in the same "house" as his wife, but she lived downstairs and he lived upstairs....to this day I wonder if that was really the truth.

anyway, she had left him and he waited and waited and tried to fix it, but she wouldn't budge.

again, I wonder if that was truth.

anyway, they had not filed yet.

and I told him I wouldn't date him unless he had filed. he PROMISED me that his marriage was over, and it was just the paperwork and it was so expensive, he would have to save for it.

so then he got laid off, and said he would use his 401K money he was getting paid out to get his divorce right away.

and he didn't - he spent alot of it on his truck - and used the other money to pay his bills while he conveniently took a "vacation" for six months - something he felt he deserved since he worked so hard for so many years (he was 31)...so, the money was gone....so then there was multiple promises to get it done in various ways - and in the end, almost three years later, it's still not done.

also - he said he wanted a new life with me in it - but since we couldn't afford to live where he did, he agreed to move in with me - that took many months and involved alot of teeth pulling to get him here - and it all went to shit once that happened....tho it was going to shit all along....he dragged his feet for almost a year - and looking back, I really was trying to force him into something he just wasn't ready for....tho he SAID he was ready, his actions spoke volumes....that was part of all the lies he told me (see the attract liars post).

I think you will be doing yourself an incredible disservice if you continue to talk him into leaving his wife and continuing to live with you. If he wants to go back, let him go back.

chances are, you may end up being his crutch or his rebound - but it's not likely that this will work out in your favor.

It wasn't until I addressed my own personal issues that I broke free of this cycle of dating losers.

I am dating someone now - and don't know how it's gonna play out since it's long distance right now - once I get up there, we will see how well I "picked" this time and how well I handle this new opportunity.

I think it's important to analyze why our relationships failed - and take responsibility for OUR part in it....it's easy to blame the "rotten ex", but in the end, we had some responsibility - and that's all we need to focus on.

October 11, 2006
11:14 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I know that when my ex said he wanted to live with me, it made me feel like I would have the relationship I wanted - instant "family" - just add water.

It was like I felt that I had the commitment I wanted if he was willing to live with me....and living me was how I wanted him to prove he was committed to me.

my ex-ex wouldn't live with me - and so, I wanted ex to give me what ex-ex couldn't give me....I wanted to know he'd be home every night with me - and not have to worry about where he was or what he was doing (ex-ex didn't cheat, but was unavailable and undependable)....so I hoped that by him living with me, I would be able to depend on him.

so, I wonder what your "internal or subconcious" motivation was for letting him move in - and what "void" you wanted it to fill...that's where you need to focus your "recovery" on.

October 11, 2006
11:30 am
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revelation
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Hello Feelinglost.

OK, I am going to be tough with you...I'm sorry, but you need some straight-talking,

How the hell does "making progress" involve hooking up with a married man? Thats not progress no matter what way you look at it...thats fighting fire with fire.

Now I'm gonna get really tough...It appears to me by reading between the lines that you actually like being a victim. You seem to like guys walking all over you...you seem to like being a doormat. Why is that? Sorry if that sounds harsh FL, but I remember from last time you were here how horrible your ex was, he ABUSED you...and then you go moving some married guy into your place just because you "felt it would help"

Help who?

In all of this FL...the person who is treating you the worst in this situation is YOU. You are treating yourself like crap, allowing these men into your life, men who quite obviously on paper and off it are not suitable for ANYONE to be in a relationship with. Why are you selling yourself so short here?
Sounds to me like you have serious self-esteem issues, allowing yourself to be treated like this. You need to set up some firm bounderies here, or else you are going to destroy yourself by continually allowing people to walk all over you.
Stop it...stop it now.

Rev.

October 11, 2006
11:38 am
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Rev,

I dont disagree with you. However I dont know if I like being the victim or I am to trusting. If someone tell me they love me and they are sorry i want to believe them. I want to believe people mean what the say and do what they say. Yes you are right my self esteem is low and I dont know how to fix it. I have tried counseling, prozac, books, and hell even men!

Hugs

October 11, 2006
11:45 am
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Nicely said, Rev.

Some people seem to thrive on drama. I believe FL just may be one of those people.... No offense FL, but I recall many people trying to help you last time, only to feel like they were talking to a brick wall. You do not appear to want to help yourself. You spend so much of your valuable energy trying to fill yourself up by a man. You completely entrench yourself in external issues (what HE did/didn't do, should have/shouldn't have done, what he said ... what his friends said... what the other woman said, etc.) All of these things are distractions from the REAL issue... which is why you think so little of yourself that you keep allowing yourself to be emotionally abused by men.

The truth is this. A man, NOT ANY MAN is not the problem here. The problem starts and ends with YOU...

Respectfully,

TC

October 11, 2006
11:51 am
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Anonymous
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ok. I wont ask anymore for thoughts if thats the way people perceive me. All I can say is you dont know me and if you did you would realize I am very different then you think. Even my counselor doesnt perceive me that way and believe me she would tell me.

October 11, 2006
11:56 am
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FL,

We can only gain perceptions of you based on what you present to us. I am not saying you are not a good person. I am saying that you need to value yourself more. I am saying that you should work on your self-esteem before getting wrapped up with any man (especially an unavailable man). I don't want you to feel defensive. I want you to take the different opinions offered here... sift through them and find those that seem to fit.

I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.

TC

October 11, 2006
11:57 am
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revelation
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Thanks TC!

FL, I know what TC and I have said may be hard to swallow...but I wholeheartedly agree with what she just wrote there.

Look, don't get me wrong...I suffered from Chronically low self-esteem my whole life, its only in the last year I have started to recover and become stronger and treated myself with more respect! So I know where you are coming from!

However, I HAVE to disagree on some of your points.

1. You don't know whether its that you like being a victim, or just too trusting....honey, you might be able to fool yourself with that statement, and maybe a lot of other people....but there is no way in HELL I'd ever believe that! C'mon, who are you trying to fool...you don't trust either of these men....you don't trust anyone...you don't even trust yourself, otherwise you wouldn't keep going for men who are obviously going to hurt you...you don't listen to YOUR got-instinct because you don't even have enough trust to believe THAT!

2. You don't know how to fix your low-self-esteem?
You do so!!!! You have seen people here countless times do it...hell I've even gone through fixing my self-esteem here on these boards!!! It involves spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, enjoying time by yourself, you know that...you haven't tried that. All of the counsellors, books,pills and men in the world CANNOT fix your self-esteem...only YOU can.

Books can help, give you tips, counselors can too. Pills - they just keep you away from the edge and men????? Any relationship you start when your self-esteem is low, no matter how nice a guy he seems...is DOOMED...listen to me DOOMED to failure. Because even if he is emotionally healthy (and I seriously doubt that someone emotionally healthy would be attracted to someone with low self-esteem) you by having low self-esteem are NOT emotionally healthy...and in order to have a successful happy long-lasting relationship, two emotionally healthy people MUST be included!

Rev.

October 11, 2006
11:58 am
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lovetocrochet
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feelinglost,

What I immediately picked up about your ex was, he's trying to compete. This is about conquest, not caring, and not wanting what's best for you.

If he manages to lull you in then he will have "won" the game of getting you away from this new person. Does that sound like someone who really cares about you, or someone who only cares about what he wants regardless of the consequences?

As for the new guy... my opinion is he needs to focus on his child right now. That little one is going through a world of hurt right now because Daddy isn't coming home.

Hate to say it but this guy is failing his child, he's failing you AND he's failing his wife by behaving this way. Not only that but if he's doing this to his family, who he should honor and respect no matter what, what guarantee do you have that he won't do it to you someday? His being unhappy in a marriage is no excuse, especially if he still has thoughts of going back to her.

As it is he is still hers, no matter how miserable it makes him and no matter what he's telling you. He's still tied to her until both the law and whatever other obligations that keep their marriage bonded (i.e. religious, cultural, etc., if any) are officially declared invalid. Because he's created life with her, he always will have a connection with her that nobody can break regardless of their marital outcome.

BTW I say this as someone who dated during her own divorce, so please don't think I'm lecturing or moralizing. I'm letting you know as someone who has learned hard lessons. If I went back and did it over again I would have held off on the love life until after the divorce was over... and maybe even waited until I'd had it annulled too for good measure.

Beliefs aside, there is too much emotional baggage during a divorce. The guys I went out with got hit with crossfire and drama no matter how much I tried to keep it out. Waiting until I'd had my slate clean would have avoided all that, AND would have probably given me more time and space to sort out things... I too kept choosing jerks until I took a year off from dating and joined a support group to take a hard look at myself.

Also my daughter didn't need me spending my time trying to fill the hole left from a failed marriage with new guys. It was disruptive to her life.

I agree with 99.99999% of everything Rising is saying. Figure out why you wanted to move this guy in with you. What void are you trying to fill? Ask yourself why you're settling for less, and I gently suggest in the meantime you remove yourself from this tug of war between two guys who really don't respect you until you have an answer.

October 11, 2006
12:12 pm
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lovetocrochet
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BTW FL, I know you want to believe when someone says they love you and they're sorry, BUT...

Bear in mind three little words:

TALK. IS. CHEAP.

My husband is a wonderful person, very loving, he's a great father. We both work hard to ensure the bills and debts are being paid. I'm dedicated to both my kids. My husband is my rock and my world.

BUT, we hold each other mutually accountable. Neither of us falls for a bunch of I love you's and I'm sorry's thrown all over the place.

It doesn't mean we don't say those things when called for. I believe in telling DH I love him every day and admitting I'm wrong when it happens, no matter how hard it might be sometimes.

But we also make sure that what we DO backs up what we say. We both have flaws and make mistakes, but we both take responsibility for those things as well. If our words didn't have the actions behind them, then it would just be empty prattle with no character.

If someone goes around saying I'm sorry and whispering sweet nothings but then treating you like a doormat, what are you going to trust? Actions, or words?

October 12, 2006
6:27 am
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alycia
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Rev, i have noticed you can be quite harsh in replys. I, too would love to tell some people how stupid they are being for example but this is one place i dont do that as they are looking for support.

Telling someone they like being a victim, like being a door mat and like having people walk all over them doesn't qualify as support.

Maybe feeling lost has made some bad choices, haven't we all, but its not for us to throw out insults cause she still needs help it seems in certain issues and is asking for it...

I will never forget the poor guy asking about the bratty child and the serve he got, thats not what this site is about.

People ask for help and often get insulted which i imagine i will receive after sending this but i wont be replying so perhaps save it for the next person asking for help....

I have two things to say to you feeling lost cause i dont know your story all that well, your ex is a cheat so you say and a liar, you dont need that back..

For the new guy to even contemplate anything with you being married with a child tells me he is not worth much either and knowing these two things you should have run a mile not welcomed him into your home.

My ex left me and my 5 month old baby and soon had another chic, not living together but together nonetheless and i question anyone that can take a man knowing he has a young child at home and he has walked out on his family so easily, sorry that bit hits home hard and i mean no harm by it.

Any man that can walk out on his wife and young child so easily can walk out on anyone time and time again, my ex fits that pattern, numerous kids and leaves them everytime....

He is not worth much as i said if he pursued you with a ring on his finger and he will pursue the next one when he wants a change of scenery, trust me....

Many people suddenly want people back when they fear someone else wants them or has them, it can be common so that may be another reason the ex suddenly wants you as he is losing you to a degree or he may suddenly realise what he is losing but it may not last for it may be for the wrong reasons...

In closing i want to say i think neither are worth much to be honest, just from what you tell me as both are cheats really cause there is no denying the married one is also a cheat...

If he wants to go home, let him go cause we cant make people be with us, the fact he even contemplated it for a second would make me help him pack his bags cause truthfully his heart isnt truly in it to have them thoughts.

I wish you luck and i would give both a miss and concentrate on you. get some hobbies, go out dancing, etc etc ....meet a proper man when u are ready.......and never feel like you cant ask for help on this site because people aren't educated on how they should answer people, take care

October 12, 2006
8:00 am
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Hi Feeling Lost,

You appear to be jumping from one bad relationship to another. This is a mistake. I would take the time to learn about YOU. You are not going to learn the lesson about the last one until you learn about yourself. Focusing on one man to the next is always a mistake. You attract a loser because you are desperate, simple as that. You don't want to face something about yourself. It really is hard work but it pays off in the long run. This ex, used you before. He will again. He only wants you because now you have another guy. I will tell you I fell for the married guy. I know it looks like it is over but it is not. You have to be VERY careful about getting involved with someone who say they are done. It takes people to get over someone even if it is mutual especially where children are concerned. I think you appear to be desperate for a relationship. Im not at all trying to be harsh. Im trying to be realistic. This guy hurt you to the deep end of the earth and you want to go back with him now because he says he misses you. In breakups both people miss each other. It is perfectly natural to miss the other person. Overlooking why you broke up is a serious blunder. It means you are not paying attention to what you want and need. Think with your head this time. Cheaters and liars and womenizers rarely change and even if they do, only a little. He is reeling you back because he can. Feeling Lost, I followed you all through your thread. I agree with TC even if you feel it was harsh. Sometimes it takes being harsh in loving way for truth to sink in. Low self esteems attracts unhealthy people. EVERYONE deserves a relationship even SINGLE parents, however it needs to be a healthy one for everyone involved. I do not feel as if you recovered from the ex. When you do, when you love yourself more, you will attract a better guy, a guy with kids or not.

October 12, 2006
12:52 pm
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nappy
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I agree with Rev. Rev is telling the truth. We all know why we are here and I'm sure that we all will finally get the answers that we are seeking. Low self esteems will only heal from the person within. Not from another person. When you been in a relationship with someone and they don't want you or they walk away from you, they WILL come back in your life. And mostly they comes back when you have found someone else. Now this is when you struggle with your old feelings and new feelings.
If this person did you wrong in the past and you is not with him or her anymore, then there is a reason why you two are not together. I believe everyone comes in our life for a reason whether it is good or bad but those peoples does teaches us a lesson even about ourselves. You ex is just trying to get you back again and probably will do the same things again because he knows that he can.
My ex did the same thing in trying to get me back. I guess after he realize what he had, he tried coming back. I didn't have any harsh feeling toward him even though he left me when I was sick. His biggest concern was trying to get me back into living with him. Asking me to marry him and everything. I guess I laugh because he also knows that he shouldn't have let that other foot out of that door when he left because there is no way in hell that I would live with him again. He was part of the reason that I was in the hospital. I see over these past years that he has changed somewhat, but I am not going to find out how much he has change because I felt so much love for him then because he showed me what type of person he was and I don't want to find out that he only was trying to change in order to get me back. He even offer to buy me a house of my choice. I laugh again because I am happy right here in my own apartment and not having to put up with all of the drama that goes along with being in a relationship. Girl, you have choices in life now on how you want your life to be. Get you life together and there will be another that will come into your life but god will allow it when he knows that you are ready, don't go up against god in trying to do it yourself.
Let go of both mens because the ex is not doing you any good and the new one is married and does have a wife. That should of been a red flag first hand. You will be alright just live your life.

October 12, 2006
2:12 pm
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kc30
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Hi Feelinglost

So, you've got a liar and a cheater to the left, and a liar and a cheater to the right!

I say you deserve someone who doesn't lie and doesn't cheat...I say we all deserve someone who doesn't lie and doesn't cheat. I was with a liar and a cheater, and every time I took one step forward wtih my life, he was there, just to see if he drag me two steps back.

And he told me point blank that he kept going back to the woman he had his affair with because it was an ego boost- no matter what he did, she always took him back if he said the right thing.

Yes, liar/cheater types actually do plot and connive and lie and manipulate! He knew exactly what he was doing, and both the guys in your life do too.

I had to do the back and forth many times before I got it...realized that the only person who could change the situation was me, and I had to make the conscious choice to NOT do it again. It didn't matter how many people told me not to do it, I still had to do it.

I guess you'll have to figure it out for yourself as well.

but I will say that liars and cheaters generally don't change. And if they do, it takes a LOT longer than 4 months to do it. Based on my experiences, it's a game he's playing to boost his own sad ego.

It's great that you're moving on, but it might be a lot healthier for you to do it with someone who has no baggage. Married dudes should always be off-limits- happy or not. Just because HE says it's not happy doesn't mean it's true. I thougth my marriage was rock solid and he was my best friend. That, of course, is not what he told the other woman.

Funny thing about liars...they lie!

best of luck

kc

October 12, 2006
7:05 pm
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revelation
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Huh...where did I say she was stupid?

Yes, I admit, I am being harsh...but I feel that sometimes it helps more than pussyfooting around the idea, lord knows that never got me anywhere! I had to get harsh with myself and face up to reality, and I am so much better off for it.

You see Alycia, I am speaking from experience...because I can identify with so much the FL is doing to herself...because I did it too! Although I wasn't fully aware of it...I to LIKED being a victim..I craved drama!!!! and I am being honest with FL when I say I think she does too...a lot of people who go from abuse to abuse actually are craving victimization, mostly because at some stage in their developement, they mistakenly learned that it was the only way a relationship could be! Because it was all I was used to. And as I have laready said, I felt hopefull was being a little cold-hearted about the little boy in his post and I called it! I can only give opinions on what I read...and thats how I read it.

I make no apologies to anyone for being honest, you all come here for support and for advice...well, I'll support whenever its needed, but I'll be honest too. Sometimes what I write may be hard to swallow, I can remember some people writing stuff to me that was hard to take also...but when I looked back a few months later, I realised they were dead right!

Rev.

October 12, 2006
7:22 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I hear you rev. I went through a long string of bad seeds as well, including my first husband, wondering why it was so hard for me to find someone who would treat me well. I finally realized that first, I was the one choosing to be around the jerks and it was up to me to change that if I truly believed I deserved better.

Additionally, like you said, you have to come to the realization that you make those choices because that's what you believe is normal, be it due to a lousy childhood or whatever. As they say, half the solution to a problem is admitting it exists and figuring out why. It's only then that you can find ways to make it better.

Nobody ever said these truths are pretty though - usually the initial response is "ouch" when they come to light. But when we see how much better our lives can be once we do see the truth, it's worth the bit of pain... much like getting a shot in the arm to prevent a potentially fatal disease.

October 13, 2006
8:22 pm
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revelation
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FL...how ya doing? Have you been having a think?

Rev.

October 14, 2006
7:27 am
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Hi Feeling lost,

Remember me? And our long talk? Just wondering how you were doing as well. Believe me, I understand jumping one fire to another. It is my history. I cannot change that, but I can change what I want, what I need for the future. Right now, Im sorting through my own life and not bringing someone into it until I feel better about being with someone who really does care about me. It is important to have someone in your life that genuinely cares for you and does not just want you for fear of being alone or someone to clean up messes. Two halves don't make a whole when it comes to relationships. You get ripped off settling for relationships that are not healthy. Let me and us know how you are because I care about you.

October 14, 2006
10:46 am
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TRUST

A way of perhaps looking at trust is that it is not only an on off switch, but is also on a dimmer switch and that we can dial it up or down depending on the person and their behaviour present and past. A teacher shared this with me years ago and I appreciate this concept.

Littlespirit

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