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I dont know what is with me.
August 30, 2000
4:53 pm
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Shin
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September 24, 2010
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Ok, here are the problems. I have been over the last 6 months dealing with some problems which have been ruining and ruling my life. I have been thinking myself a fool, ugly adn many other things that dont help out my self-esteam. I have been stressed out to the max by people tryign to shove me in the directions they want me to go in and be what they want me to be. I am afraid of being abaondoned and left alone so I ry adn keep problems to myself and please others. I know I shouldnt but i cant help it. I have been a loner fo rhte last 15 years of my life and finally have people Ifeel care about me. I want to keep it that way. I also have been on the rocks with my father and we dont exactly see eye to eye anymore. He wants to make me into an adult and yet treats me like a kid. I dotn get it and the only way I can react to him is be angry.

I have also met this guy, that I turely like with all my heart. He is also nto the most stable guy in the universe but I have helped him a lot. All that is keeping me from going out with him is the fact that i am scared of what will happen and that he and I wont be friends anymore. He says he will go with me, only Ihave to figure out what is wrong. I dont know what is. I cant figure anything else otu other then what i have already said. I am so confused and emotionally distraught. I go from ahppy to sad to pissy in a heart beat and I dont know why. I dont understand anythign that I do anymore other then I am doing it for other people and they never notice.

It may also be because i wand attention but am not getting it. I just dont kow what to do anymor eand am sick andtiard of people nto seeing me for who I am. Please geive me fome help. Im out on alimb here.
-Shin

August 30, 2000
9:26 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Shin, sounds like you are a teen ager, I am so sorry, but know that you will survive. It is so hard for you today. I look back at when I was a teen, and boy did I have it easy. Don't fret about the boy, there will be pleanty. Focus on you, surround your self with the things you love, if its flowers, art, or books, or people. Sorry to hear your on the outs with Dad, that can be rough. Can you fix it? What about mom? Find a rainbow in those dark clouds of yours, if you smile the chemestry in your brain will change. It works, try it , then go out and smile at every one that you meet, its fun. Take controll of your brain, dont let it controll you. May pink thoughts come your way.

August 30, 2000
9:37 pm
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dont worry shin, i'm also with you ... on a limb. my hair is literlly falling out cause i have so much tension on my head.. hmm.. phew.. anxiety, low self-esteem, lots of it ..
i'm also very moody too and .. whatever.. 😐

September 6, 2000
2:16 am
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lazydazy
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You cant please others until you please yourself...It's in some indigo girls song-so simple but so true. It sounds like your trying to be the rock, but even they have to crack sometime. You have too much pressure relying on you and it's more wieght than you can carry on your shoulders. Take time for yourself, even if its one person that you can rely on, totally confide in them-whether a counselor or a close friend. Holding everything in is driving you crazy and if its kept there, it will only result in spontaneous combustion.
I used to keep alot of things inside, hide my feelings-i did everything for myself and was used to handling my feelings in a rational manner. One day, I couldnt do it anymore. I let it go for a long time, only lead me to more heartache. Try to nip the pain while its in your ass.
Now I live by a rule-"live each day so that you arent afraid for someone to read your diary". It's so much less energy to be truthful about your feelings to others, and it makes it easier to be truthful to yourself. If you put up a front, you only have plastic superficial relationships. Those who love you, love you unconditionally. They will stick around through all of the hard times. It takes awhile to get used to and its a hard to grasp view but all I can say is it is positive energy. Some people just want the best for the ones that they love and have wierd ways of showing it-sometimes you have to kick them around a bit to let them know that your hurting-its a two way street, i guess thats what a relationship is all about.
Lack of communication is the worst in a relationship. In mine, im the girl with all of the problems, my boyfriend holds his in because he doesnt want to "add to mine". Then I start thinking, "my boyfriend thinks im a wack-job and he never has any problems". so im paranoid, and it leads me to believe that im a nut case and the only one in the world who has problems, my boyfriend doesnt understand me and one night I have a panic attack because the closest person in my life isnt being supportive. And where does this stem from? My boyfriend holding in his feelings and not talking to me. May not be of any help but if you didnt get anything from this, then at least take this advice...Listen to some James Taylor and think nice thoughts.

September 22, 2000
8:10 pm
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Tinas
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September 30, 2010
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Hiya
I agree with Lazy day...shes right....its hard but its the truth...i hate living in constant fear of being truthful to your lover...If you cannot open your heart to him, who can you open it to?

I feel this way too- its hard when you try and be open and then your partner doesn't appreciate it or does not reciprocate in the way that you would like him to....

This happend to me- i was all closed up becasue he used to close up and not communicate how he really felt until it all exploded into big arguments...then i would open up and he would withdraw......this would make me feel really sad and vunerable you know...its so painful when you open up and say how you really feel, because you may be frightend of your partner's reaction.....and so he becomes distant, and then that in turn makes me want to pull away....then he pulls towards me...its crazy its driving me mad but i don't know what the answer is....its hard.....any one got any suggestions???

September 22, 2000
11:30 pm
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jman
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September 25, 2000
1:50 am
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lazydazy
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I'm going through the same thing...my boyfriend never learned how to express his true feelings. It's just so foreign to him. It makes me paranoid as hell. I'm always guessing what he's thinking, it may be something totally different than what he is thinking. Me and him are so afraid of pissing the other person off, he doesnt believe in confrontation. Even when we talk about our feelings, he thinks we are fighting. I dont know if I can deal with it. I have a hard enough time expressing my own feelings, its just so much work trying to pull his feelings out of him. I honestly believe, he doesnt know what he is feeling at times. I feel like im living a one-ended relationship at times. I just need someone emotionally available to me. Im going to my friends for this but I want my boyfriend to be the one I share everything with. The hard part is we started off as best friends. I am the person that he trusts most in his life, its just that he doesnt know how to open up to anyone!! I used to have anxiety attacks because I felt my boyfriend didnt understand me. Now things arent as bad but I keep feeling like things will never change and we will keep having ups and downs. Whenever I sit him down and say, im worried about our relationship and talk, things are good. But im tired of doing that all of the time. There is alot going on now, Im coming out of a depression and going out more and more and im changing alot. He has to notice but he doesnt say anything. I'm back to my own flighty self of saying things and not following through...like im going to go over his house and something comes up and I never do. My energy and spontaneity that he was once attracted to, im afraid it's going to start frustrating him. It happens in every relationship I've ever had...

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