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i dont know how to help my mom from emotional abuse
August 24, 2001
2:25 pm
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josh
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i dont know where to begin because there is just so much. but i am tired of seeing my mom hurt by my dad and i want them to get a divorce.
my dad got mad yesterday because she misunderstood him on the phone. a stupid thing like that set him off....and its kinda hard to explain.
theres just so much to it thats its hard to talk about 1 incident without going back and i dont know where to go back to.
i dont even know what else to say.

August 24, 2001
2:45 pm
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Molly
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josh, your old enough to get on the computer, and post this problem, your old enough to see right from wrong, and thank goodness, but the problem is, domestic abuse is somewhat like alcoholism or addiction. There simply is not to much that you can do or say to effect change.
I am sad for you, because it is difficult to live in a home with this tension. Your mother may or may not be receptive to your observations, she may make excuses for your dad, she may agree with you, she may not.
The truth for you to know is that it is her problem and not yours, it makes it hard for her to be emotionally available to you sometimes, but none the less, know that she loves you and most likely tries the best to be there for you. There are several sites that you can go to and print data for her to read given to her in a private manor, don't push it under dad's nose, but be clear, tossing a tantrum is a big leap from physical abuse, and if there is physical abuse, then you all need to get out of there, and there are shelters that you can go to. the most important thing is to take care of you. Do you have younger sisters, or brothers? Is there family where you and mom can go to stay?

August 24, 2001
3:07 pm
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josh
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ok, i'm trying to calm down a little so that i can start to go back and make this make sense to you guys.
ummmmmm....whenever these incidents happen i talk to my mom. im the only one there for here even tho i have 4 older brothers and sisters. they are all moved away to their own familys. we talk about my dads strange ways. what he does not make sense. its not normal to be so upset that she misunderstood that he was angry and throwing things around, cancelled their weekend plans and has decided to stop talking to her or even acting like she does not exist. we talk about the divorce thing. one time she said if he did it all the time she would, but there are good times in between. but that was about 6 months ago. now she says its happening more often and the punishments are lasting longer and the crime doesnt fit the punishment.
and he totally controls the situation. and she just takes it. he treats her anyway he wants because he knows she wont leave him.
he does love her. he does nice things and stuff so i dont understand why he treats her so badly. maybe its to keep her where he wants her?
every morning she wakes up not knowing what will happen. why should she live in fear? she cannot go out and enjoy herself because hes waiting at home and if shes late he gets mad. she cannot watch the shows she enjoys. it has to be what he likes. she has to agree with his opinions. she cannot stick up for us kids. she cant be her. she has to be a clone of him. i got very sad when i read i couldnt help the situation. but if i cant, then what can i do to make it easier for her????
thank you
oh, and yes, it is stressful for me. they think its between them and has nothing to do with me. but it hurts me to see my mom upset and makes me angry at him!

August 24, 2001
8:20 pm
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Molly
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I know it hurts, this is your mom, and then the confusion because it is your dad that is doing the hurting.
We only know what our parents teach us, and that is why I am glad that you can see what is happening, so that you do not treat your wife in this manor. What we know today, we didn't know yesterday. Your father could have learned to be like this from his father, and so on. Many cultures in different parts of the world see women in different ways, some equal, some as property.
I wouldn't want to think of your dad as a bully, but some times, when the bully gets away with this or that, they push it further and further, knowing the other will just take it.
Your mom is in a rough place, married for a long time, and knowing he loves her, well there is good love and bad love, and unfortunately over the decades it gets blury, and mom just surrenders. I doubt if the suggestion of counseling would do any good, but you might suggest it to her.
has dad been to the MD lately, is he taking different meds that might effect his temper, or is it time to see the MD? Men don't really talk about their feelings the way society has evolved, and life isn't always what they expected, usually they demonstrate a myrid of emotions through anger, its the easiest, and right out there. The physical changes of middle age, or getting on up there, could have alot to do with his behavior. Can you talk to him?
Again, you can print out material from the different sites on abuse for your mom to read, and its up to her to do something about it. Are your grades effected? Do you have a school counselor that you can talk to, or what about your older brothers? I don't know how productive it would be to call over the family and confront dad, but its another idea, only you and your mom and dad know how bad it really is. men don't deal well with shame, and you know how your dad would react as well as any one.
Ultimately it is your mother who has to say no more of your fits, no more of your shouting, just like she would have to say, I am not going to drink any more beer, its all up to her to end it, and if you explain how it is effecting you, it might stimulate some thoughts for her.

August 27, 2001
2:48 pm
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josh
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i cannot answer or respond to all of your questions and thots because im still overwhelmed by it all.
my grades have not suffered, but i am a musician and it has effected this. the stress tires me out and i just want to sleep a lot. i feel lonely and angry. things i dont have to feel if im sleeping. ive been doing bad in my lessons and every time my music teacher asks me how im doing i want to tell him the truth but i dont want him to think im using it as an excuse. but at the same time, i want him to understand why i havent been doing very well lately.
my mom got the corage to talk to him on saturday and....he said he didnt know why he acted that way. he said it was like the devil was in him. they made up....but what about next time?
josh

August 27, 2001
6:13 pm
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Molly
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Josh, its a cycle, the cycle of domestic abuse, things go great, the war, then the make up time, which they call the honey moon. Its confusing for a sensitive person to watch, but again keep in mind the picture of some one that continues to do something that hurts them, but are not ready to stop.
Your escape through sleep is something that people often do at the beginning of depression. This is not your problem!!!! Repeat after me, THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. when they fight, go for a run, or play your music real loud, when she cries, tell her it is her choice to listen to what he says, in a respectful way of course, or leave him, or go get counseling, or i am sorry you feel that way, but I can't help you.
You have heard where often the kids have to grow up to fast and take on the role of the parent, well this could be one of those situations. It is so hard to watch your mom hurt, and the next time it happens tell her.
But again there is only so much you can do, but you can be responsible for you, and what your response to this is.

August 27, 2001
6:44 pm
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janes
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Is there someone who could plant the seed with your dad that maybe he needs a physical and all that?

Could be a medical issue or a mental health issue...but he's the grown-up...so' you mom...YOU can plan how you will be when you are there......

Good luck Josh...what a caring son!!!

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