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i dont know how to get over it
July 25, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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October 13, 2010
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its
worse than we knew. My brother in law kicked her in the head
several times and choked her. He told her friend who was trying to
her that he wasn't done yet and he thought he might kill her too.
For some reason they let him out of jail today- the police had
originally told her monday at the soonest. Now we are holding our
breath until she can head here on Wed. Night. This was a bad
weekend. Where is everyone?

July 26, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
feel like everything is going to crap around me and all I can do is
watch the pieces fall.

July 28, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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My
sister isn't coming until Fri. We are all on pins and needles
waiting. Her husband has called a few times to talk to the kids.
They don't know what happened they just know their mom is coming
and dad is not. They are going to go to counseling at church. This
is surreal, no one expected anything like this to happen.
Olivia

July 28, 2010
12:00 am
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curious64
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Not
over it - I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I can't believe
they let that monster out of jail already and didn't give her a
chance to get out of town.

If she is still in
the hospital I hope they have good security to make sure he can't
try to get to her there. If she is out, I hope that she has a safe
place to stay until she gets to where you are.

This is an awful
thing to have happen and even worse since you are all so far away
from her.

I will keep you in
my thoughts and hope for safe travel for her.
((((HUGS))))

July 29, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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Thanks Curious. My sister gets on a plane in the morning. I am
optimistic she will get here in one piece because other than the
kids calling him from here no one has heard a peep out of him.
Sister is pressing chargeS so she has to go back to her state in a
week. At least there are doors opening as far as assistance w
divorce and lawyers and such. Its a shame he worked so hard to come
home after he cheated. He was gone for a year before she let him
come back. Now sister knows she did everything she could. The kids
are a mess now they aren't happy about the counseling but they are
gonna go.

Olivia

August 1, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Not
Over,

So sorry to hear
about your sister. I'm glad you're there for support. I'm also glad
to hear that your sister is taking action and not allowing the
creep back into her life and getting help.

August 4, 2010
12:00 am
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My
sister is leaving tonite to go back for court. The kids are already
crying and I'm nauseous. Ug

August 7, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Just
want to send you good thoughts.

August 9, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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Today
my sister went to court and the jude told her she has until the
20th to have the kids back in the state. Maybe things will change
after the divorce hearing or the assault trial. Maybe he will go to
prison and she can go wherever she wants. We don't know yet if they
are adding attempted murder to his charges. Its a sad day.
Olivia

August 13, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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We
have one more week before we take the kids back. Today we are going
to the zoo and church for activities Sat and Sun. Trying to keep
things full and light. Finally told them they are going back. The 5
year old is happy but would be anywhere his mom was I think. The
girls are upset, the oldest almost unconsolably. Maybe we were
wrong to set them up in so many activities but we wanted them to
know things could be good here. The 14 year old told one of my
other nieces that she and her sister were supposed to be watching
their brother while dad slept on the couch. They went outside and
when they came in daddy was furious and pinned her against the wall
and told her never to leave her bro alone again. My sister didn't
know and when she told her lawyer the L said they can't really
pursue it because it will look like we are coaching them to gain
permanent custody. For now he only get 1 supervised hour per week.
Maybe in 6 months when the divorce is done or after he goes to
trial thinks will look better.

Olivia

August 16, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I'm
really struggling to keep it together but I feel like I'm falling
apart. I can't figure out why I work so hard to keep every one
around me going but I have nothing. Sometimes I go a whole week
with out my phone ringing, unless someone wants something. I feel
very alone. Olivia

August 16, 2010
12:00 am
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atalose
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I am
sorry you are feeling alone Olivia, gotta get busy with YOUR own
life. Find something other then fixing/repairing others as a hobby.
Fill that emptiness with doing for you, join a gym, take a class,
volunteer someplace………there are a million and one things you can do
to fill that void besides sit and wait for the phone to
ring………..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 19, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I'm
at work and I'm having a melt down. We are doing DBT training
mindfulness training and I'm so full of anxiety I can't even
function. My boss says its ok they will help me but I can't even
explain it. I'm shaking so bad I feel like I don't have control of
myself. I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I really need
help.

August 19, 2010
12:00 am
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AmethsytRose
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Dear
Not Over It, What you are going thru is so painful. If you have a
health plan it might cover therapy with a counselor. I have also
been to places that charge on a sliding scale. Having someone to
talk to and walk you through the steps helps ease the burden. I
wish you the best. You are strong inside.

August 23, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
have insurence I guess I need to make time. I'm falling apart. The
more I try to fix things the worse it gets. Things I think I can
fix with effort I am finding out I can't fix at all. Anxiety is all
the time now. I feel numb but like my tongue is on one of those
little square batteries. I don't know how long I can keep
juggling.

August 23, 2010
12:00 am
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hillbillygirl
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When
I'm having trouble focusing at work, I use what is called
anchoring. My anchor is removing everything from my desk then only
allowing myself to place back on it the one thing I need to focus
on at the moment. When it's done, then I move to the next thing. I
do the same at home when life has gone crazy. I clear everything
out that I don't absolutely have to deal with. Sometimes making a
list helps me. I deal with the first thing on my list. If I can't
deal with it, then I allow myself permission to move to the next
item and move the other one to the bottom of the list. It doesn't
always "fix" the problem, but it does help me gain a little
momentary perspective so I don't feel quite so
overwhelmed.

I don't know if
this will help you...I agree a counselor/therapist is a great idea.
I never dreamed mine would help me as much as she has the last two
years. I always thought, oh I know all about me, but having someone
on the outside who is honest with me really helps me quiet the
anxiety monster inside me.

Hope you feel
better!

August 23, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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Thanks Hillbillygirl I'm trying to psych myself up for a new
day tomorrow. I think I have really just overloaded my brain this
past few weeks with trying to deal w David, which is the problem at
work because I can't stop obsessing over the kids at work and the
fear that they will always feel as bad as I do now. Plus everything
with my sister and her family and its time for my son to go to
school and I have no money for school clothes. I'm trying to pull
things apart and work on them one at a time like you said and that
did help ease my anxiety today. I was really grateful to hear from
you today, sometimes I feel very isolated. Thank you for your
encouragement and advice. Olivia

August 30, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
give up. I don't know why I ever moved here but I'm stuck and sorry
and just done. I'm just one of those people who just don't matter.
I'm here just to be pushed around and no matter how fed up I am it
doesn't matter because tomorrow will be the same as
today.

August 30, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
give up. I don't know why I ever moved here but I'm stuck and sorry
and just done. I'm just one of those people who just don't matter.
I'm here just to be pushed around and no matter how fed up I am it
doesn't matter because tomorrow will be the same as
today.

August 30, 2010
12:00 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Olivia, you sound like you're in a really low place today. Did
something happen, or is it just a combination of
factors?

August 30, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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Both
I guess. I spent the day in act training in headlocks and other
holds by our security guards so I could practice release moves. I
was playing w my mom and she got mad and refused to give me the key
to my grandmas locked apt complex after volunteering me to go fill
her insulin syringes. She knew I had plans and told gma I would
come anyway. Grandma has gout and can't walk so she couldn't let me
in so mom had to go anyway and I look like a jerk. What if I got
mad at her and said she couldn't see my son. Its not right that she
has the keys to grandma. I'm exhausted. I was supposed to shampoo
my carpets so my friend could use my carpet cleaner tomorrow but I
was upset so I went for a walk first and someones headlights shined
in my eyes and I fell off the path and I think I sprAined my ankle.
Literally no one talks to me or calls me unless I can do something
for them. I'm sad and alone and and I'm angry cause I just don't
matter and because I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I
havn't even gone home yet. I just want to sit here and cry for
awhile.

October 4, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
finally found a guy I really like, a friend of a friend who I have
been talking to via text/phone for a month. He wants to meet on
Wed. and I said yes. He knows a little of my past because I want
him to know from the start I am messed up. He says he understands.
I am now overwhelmed with fear to the point where I don't know if I
can go. I don't want to make any more mistakes.

I am also very
angry right now. I was at church talking with my son and a friend
and D came up and joined the conversation like we were friends. I
couldn't just walk away, my son wouldn't understand. It was very
hard to see my son talk with him at all. I know he wants to talk to
me. I thought I wanted that but I am scared. I almost never see a
grown up like me who is happy. I don't know if it ever ends. I am
sad because even though I really enjoy talking with my friend but I
am so sad I ache because in my heart I think he will see what I am
and it will be a waste of our time.

I don't know what
to do.

Olivia

October 4, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Please forgive me, but this ole lady can't remember the
particulars of your story. Don't know how long you have been
single/divorced or under what circumstances you and your former
loved one parted ways?

General rule of
thumb, particularly following any abusive or toxic relationship is
to give yourself a minimum of one year, before launching into a new
relationship. You may not be ready yet. It takes time to heal and
to learn why we gravitated towards a toxic partner in the first
place.

So, take your
time. You might need a longer season of recovery than you have
allowed yourself, before tackling dating.

- Ma
Strong

October 4, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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Ma
Nothing to forgive:o) I haven't been in a relationship for 7 years
now. That one ended in a sleeper hold. The man I have the anxiety
over at church is D. He is the man who molested me as a child. His
mom, my foster mom, made me lie to the police for him and told me
it was my fault.

I don't know what
to say to D and I know its coming. I want to get this elephant off
my chest, or should I just say no?

I make good bad
choices Ma. I have 34 years worth of them so I kind of just quit
making them. I will not have sex again until I am married. I don't
know why I am scared, I want to go.

Olivia

October 4, 2010
12:00 am
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hyacinthbean
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October 13, 2010
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It's
scary to date. It's scary to put yourself out there. I feel ya. I
wish I knew the answer. When I get super anxious about something, I
just say " what if...". What if he doesn't like me? What if this
plane crashes? What if I get cancer? And then I just say to myself,
"I'll deal with it. I'll handle it." Even if I don't deal with it
perfectly, I will live through it. It can't eat me. It's liberating
to give yourself some room to mess up. It's freeing and it takes
the fear away. It's hard to stop judging yourself, but it's even
harder to live with it. You are obviously strong. Think about what
you have survived and what you have done despite what you've been
through. You got out of a bad marriage, raised a child, have
survived on your own for seven years. You have an understanding of
your feelings and a self awareness that allows you to grow and
heal. If it doesn't work out between you, you will be ok. You will
handle it. I think you should try. 🙂

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