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i dont know how to get over it
July 18, 2010
12:00 am
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not over it
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I
guess I was molested by someone I went to church with. I can work
with kids who are just like I was and validate feelings they don't
even want to admit they have. I can look at them as 13 year old
children and honestly say you were not old enough to have to make
these decisions, but I can't let myself off the hook. I am 20 years
older now than I was when it started and its worse now than ever.
I'm angry. My mom and I didn't get along so we went to a therapist
and I told him what was happening and he told me he could see it
upset me so we didn't have to talk about it. I wrote it in my
english journal every day. My church set me up in a foster home
with his family (it had already started but he didn't live there)
and his parents knew what he was because he did it to his sister
who was my age. When he got caught because he was molesting his
step children he told the police about me. His mom took me to the
police station and told me to tell them he wasn't my first and he
didn't know how old I really was. She said tell them it was my
idea. She told me the std he gave me couldn't have come from him I
must have gotten it somewhere else, then why did the other kids
have it too? The police allowed her to sit thru my interview. He
told her I wanted to have sex and he just wanted my first time to
be gentle, its every girls dream to fight to keep her pants up in
the mens bathroom in a public park. I moved away for 16 years and
now that I'm back I see him in church every Sunday with his mom. He
will walk up to people I'm talking with to greet then and then look
at me and lift his eyebrow at me then walk away. His mom hugged me
the first time I saw her she hugged me and said she was happy to
see me. I said I was surprised to hear her say that and she said
she understood I was a child and I made mistakes. All I can think
when I am there is things that happened and what he is doing when
he walks out, if he is doing it to someone else. I don't understand
how people can know what he did and still be ok with him being
there. I Don't know how to talk to adults that's why I work with
the kids or I'd just go to another church but if I leave I leave my
child hood friends. I just don't know what to do. I want to scream
at him for everything I feel he took from me. I am afraid one day
my work will just admit me. I really don't know why I ever came
back here I was better before I started seeing him everywhere. I
went to the store today and rounded the isle and there he was. He
just looked at me. I put down my stuff and left the store. I know
this is long and drawn out but today I do feel sorry for myself. A
girl I work with told me it happened to her to and she refuses to
let it define her and I should just get over it. I am not her and I
don't know how to be anyone else. I'm not done with this yet, I
wanna be. I want to give all these thoughts and feelings to him to
carry now.

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Go to
the police and press charges.

Your mother was
wrong to force you to lie, just to cover up his crime. What he did
to you was a CRIME.

- Ma
Strong

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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Can I
still press charges after all this time? It wasn't my mom it was
his, my foster mom. Part of me wants to confront them both but I
don't know if I should. I feel like I deserve something, not even
an apology but maybe acknowledgment . Is that wrong?

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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I
don't know what the statute of limitations is in your State, but
your Police Department will. And they usually have a separate "sex
crime" division which has female officers to help make the process
more bearable.

CALL.

- Ma
Strong

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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I
will. I forgot to say thank you. Kind of nervous but maybe in a
good way.

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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I can
totally understand you being nervous. And I applaud your courage.
It takes GUTS to do something about it, rather than "keeping
silent" and pretending there isn't an elephant in the room, as the
expression goes.

I hope you have at
least one close friend who will stick by you during this brave
process. And please post here. We will stand by you. We BELIEVE you
and support your right to be vindicated and get this criminal the
consequences he deserves. Also, you may be saving another child
from suffering the same abuse. So, you are doing it for HER,
too!

- Ma
Strong

July 19, 2010
12:00 am
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fantas
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I
agree with Ma, you need to go to the police and request to reopen
the case or just file new charges against him. I encourage you to
seek the resources of survivors of sexual abuse counselors and
hotline. They will direct you in the way you need to go. Please
seek counseling regardless of what you decide to do. You are right
to say you aren't done with this. If you were it wouldn't bother
you. Many people always say get over it, but it isn't something
someone can just get over. This was an assault on yourself on a
physical, emotional, psychological, and emotional level.

Please keep
posting. Just writing about it is therapeutic as well. In time you
wont feel so scared of sharing your story.

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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Nany
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Since
you are not able to get over it after all these years, you will
most likely not get over it ever. Are you in a relationship now? If
you reopen the case will this effect your relationship if any. You
need to think about it very clearly and study the outcome before
you do anything. Pressing charges will not erase what happened. It
will however make you feel better to get revenge and to know that
he will not do this to someone else. I feel so angry at your mother
for letting you suffer like this and I am so sorry that you have to
live with this all your life. Be strong and don't let this incident
run your life and take you away from a place that carries I am sure
other good memories from your childhood. Good Luck.

Nany

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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I am
truly not angry with my real mom we Had a horrible relationship
when I was younger but now we are like best friends. She tried to
warn me he was no good and I thought she just didn't want me to
have someone on my side. When things got out of control I thought I
couldn't talk to her. I know its wrong now but I didn't want her to
be right. Mom used to hit me and my sisters a lot and we all
handled it differently, me being the defiant one wouldn't just keep
my mouth shut. I know how that sounds but I KNOW I did egg it on
sometimes I was an angry person. He would always tell me how bad my
mom was and I guess I thought he was gonna save me. It seemed he
was the only person on my side. I do feel like a lot of people let
me down. His mom knew what he was I know this because at the time
his sister was in therapy. She had bulimia directly related to what
he did to her. She knew and still when he asked her to she took me
in as a foster. She made me easy accessible to him. Who would do
that. Like I said I told my shrink to. I didn't know he didn't want
to talk about it because he had to report it. And I wrote about it
in my journal at school, one we left there for the teacher to
check, again someone who was bound to report it. There were a few
peers I told along the way but I guess most thought I was
exaggerating or something. They were just kids too. I just don't
understand why no one cared enough to help me. I don't really date
now. My first "boyfriend" after all that was a security guard he
was 45 I was 16. My mom and I had gotten in a fight and she kicked
me out of the car on the side of the road so he took me home with
him. We lived in the volunteer fire station he was captain of. I
didn't say no and I had to much pride or something to wait for my
mom to calm down and go home. I had a teenage boyfriend who was in
the juvenile system for molesting a boy. I have a 15 year old son
and I really did love his dad but I got scared that he was a child
molester too because I obviously attract them so I just let things
fizzle away. My final real boyfriend was nothing like the others,
the total opposite, but it was a bad relationship that ended with
me in a sleeper hold. I decided I am better alone. I think it kind
of helps telling you guys. I know I go on and on but I kind of feel
like if you know EVERYTHING and still don't think it is my fault
maybe it wasn't. I know I sound irrational but some times when mom
and I fought I would call him to come get me and some times when he
wasn't all over me,when he would just hold me, it felt good to be
loved. I know that really wasn't what it was and I feel ashamed
about it.

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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My
biggest regret is that when it was all over its because his
littlest stepson told his mom. He was doing it to all her kids, who
were all younger than me. I should have been the one to stop it. I
should have made someone listen before he ever met that mom and her
family.

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Don't
beat yourself up about that. We all do the best we can. You are no
exception. At least you are doing something about it NOW. And I am
well aware of how much courage it takes to speak out about sexual
abuse.

You are a strong
survivor of the worst, possible sort of violation. I admire your
bravery and your sheer guts.

Now report that
sick-o. - Ma

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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This
is such a sad, sad story.

I can't imagine
what it must be like to run into this very ill individual in the
supermarket...you cannot feel responsible for his actions. And you
cannot carry this burden around for the rest of your
life.

You wrote that you
want to give your thoughts and feelings to him to carry now. You
can start by taking another deep breath and reporting this man.
This is your thread and not mine, but I was abused by my uncle as a
small girl and when I told my parents, they decided not 'to make a
fuss'. I believe this is the root of all my latter codependent
behaviour.

My uncle is now
dead and he got away with it. Please don't give your abuser the
same opportunity. And don't let him do it to other young people. Be
strong; love Wazz

July 20, 2010
12:00 am
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Wazz
I am so sorry this happened to you to. I think someone should have
made a stink for us. I think that would have made a difference. I
am gonna try to come home from work early to go to the police
station tomorrow. I am afraid if I just call I will wimp out. You
guys are really a god send. I check this site more than I do my
email or facebook. Thank you.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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I am
too old to do anything about in my state the cut off is 31 or two
years from discovery. I'm 33 this year. I'm really not sure what to
do now.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Call
an attorney...a criminal attorney. There is frequently a way around
the red tape.

- Ma

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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Thanks Ma I will. Its funny before this week I never even
thought I had the right to do anything now today I feel like I lost
something. I'm not gonna let it ruin my day. Called a lady that
deals with this kind of stuff and we are gonna sit and talk. She
isn't even gonna charge me. I kind of feel like I'm doing something
wrong. Is it wrong to do this all these years later? Maybe I'm just
good at guilty.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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I
wish I knew American law, but I'm english...It sounds to me as if
you're doing the right thing by talking to the counsellor (?) you
called. And no, it isn't wrong...it couldn't be more
right.

Love
Wazz

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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Wazz
One of the nurses I work with referred her to me (I work in a psych
hospital). She works a counseling center I don't know what her
title is but she at least I think she can set me on the right path.
I'm really anxious and I havnt done anything yet. I feel like a kid
in trouble. Did It get any better for you?

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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Yes
it did.. it got better with time. I wish I had done something like
you had done years ago; I actually buried it, and it only came up
when I wanted help with my addictive relationship and the resultant
mess - i had to fill in a form which asked me if there was one
thing in my past I felt had contributed to the place I was at, at
that time. The incident with my uncle came up from a long-buried
place, and with it a whole stack of resentments which I couldn't
lay to rest. I eventually had to come up with my own answers, which
I hope are compassionate ones for my parents - but I will never
have compassion for my uncle's behaviour. You are not a kid in
trouble, you are a human being crying out for help and the great
thing is that you have had the courage to ask for it. You go
girl...

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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Thanks. I havn't really done anything yet but I am trying. I
can't even express how much the support here helps. I feel
different this past few days. Its nice to not only have people tell
me its ok to be angry but be angry for me as well.

July 21, 2010
12:00 am
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wazz
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Yes
you have done something. You have asked a counsellor for help. You
have asked this site for help. You are laying the foundations for
your new life - the life you deserve.

July 23, 2010
12:00 am
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I
talked to the counselor and we can't make our schedules meet up
until after I start my vacation on the first. I'm going to see my
dr about some anti anxiety meds, I was against them but I was
against Prozac to and I think that saved my life. I'm having a
rough day today. I had to work on an adult unit today instead of
peds and we had a patient come in who decided I was a good person
to talk to. He was telling me things he did to an infant and a
little boy when he was younger. I'm supposed to be objective and
nonjudgmental but when someone says "I don't feel bad about what I
did but I feel ashamed that people know. Does that make me a bad
person?" Wow what am I supposed to say. I told him maybe he should
quit doing things he might be ashamed by. My charge says he's
delusional and its not true. I told her I don't care. Its true to
me. I hate the adult units I can barely help myself. At least I'm
starting to use what I've experienced but I don't have it in me to
make him feel better

July 23, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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That
sounds really hard. When I was working as a prison chaplain, I was
unable to connect with pedophiles or rapists. Basically, anyone
sociopathic was beyond my reach. My mind and heart simply could not
wrap around their lack of empathy for the needs and rights of
others.

So, I really do
understand how hard that hit you today. It would have socked me in
the gut, too.

But there is good
news. I see you in a process of healing. Your postings are sounding
a bolder, stronger voice. I believe you are launched on your
Journey to Recovery and Vindication.

I am so glad. No
matter the outcome, YOU will emerge from this process as much
happier, stronger woman.

- Ma
Strong

July 23, 2010
12:00 am
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Thanks Ma I think I am feeling better or at least different.
Its like I can almost see it being his responsibility. I keep
circling around things that were said and done. I got sent to my
room on his birthday because I put milk in his ice cream and he and
his friend came down to my room and one sat on each side of me on
my bed, kind of teasing me for being in trouble . A minute later
his mom came down and sent them back up. I think maybe I was almost
in big trouble and I think she knew it. Thinking about all of it
makes me really anxious but I get kind of stuck in it like there's
something I just cant wrap my head around, I'm trying to work it
out. Is that weird? I wanna feel my age, I don't wanna feel beneath
people anymore. Ma I feel like I'm not real. Its almost Sunday and
I know ill see him I wanna have the guts to say
something.

July 24, 2010
12:00 am
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At 3
this morning my drunk brother in law got my sister out of bed to
beat the crap out of her. She has a concussion, broken fingers, and
bruises everywhere. He ran her off the road jumped on the car. He
took a bunch of pills w his alcohol so he took a trip to the
hospital but now he's in jail. Thank god sisters kids are already
visiting here and they missed it. I'm sorry my sister is 20 hrs
away with no family. She will be here in a week.

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