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I don't feel right taking care of my mother
October 2, 2003
12:12 am
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Sun4me
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and i feel so sad and bad but at the same time my mother was a co-dependent her whole life. She had two twin daughters. My father verbally abused her for 40 years. My sister is living in my mother's footsteps. My father passed away about two months ago. My mother has been hospitalized 3x for pneumonia and now has a heart condition and signs of parkinson's. She does not drive. She is a native Mexican and has never felt like this is her real home/family. My mother does not drive. She is a very worried and anxious person.

My sister does not do anything dependable to help me. I feel like my mother has been dumped on me b/c I have no children. I wished so much that she could fend for herself but she can't. She has money in the bank that she cannot manage and now I am realizing that I am the one cutting back to part-time work to accomodate my mother. Was I born just to help my mother when she gets old? She does not really appreciate me. She treats me like she did my father. They constantly fought and argued. So hence we are doing the same. Everything seems so screwed up. I feel like if I tell her she absolutely must find outside help and that I need to live my own life she will have a heart attack or something. She is like a little child but in reality she is my 71 year old mother who wants to go to Mexico in the spring!!!. She is on oxygen right now and can barely walk b/c of parkinson's and diabetic neuropathy. I don't say anything about going to mexico but I feel like pointing out that if she thinks she can go to Mexico then why can't she try and take care of things herself? I know she will get very mad at me and amke me feel guilty for not wanting to take care of her. It is so weird. When I go over there, she acts like she can do everything herself, but we left her on her own for six weeks and she ended up in the ER at 4 am feeling like she could not breathe, etc.

I am hoping someone can give me a little advice on how to best approach staying sane with myself and not giving in to my co-dependent mother and not hating my twin sister who somehow manages to do nothing.

p.S. I do have a loving husband but this is not his family and we have been married less than six months. He is the greatest person, very loving and understanding but unable to give advice.

October 2, 2003
1:47 am
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Anam Cara
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Sun4me

Oh yes fully understand what sort of crises you are going through. I had a mother who was co-dependent on her daughter ( my sister) for some 30 years.

To be fair my sister had gone through a divorce and had one young child to raise . In the early years my sister's needs made things more acceptable - in fact my mother was a sort of companion to her - provided her with a home.

As my mother aged my sister felt just like you - lumbered because my brother and I were just visitors - she bore the brunt of all the care. My sister gave up work to be a help to mum they became almost like sisters - same perfume - just sad. My sister did try and make a break for freedom - applied for a live in service job - my mother freaked at the thought of living without Gwen.

My mother was actually very unfriendly in fact dame right rude - if someone said hello she would say - when out of ear shot - what does she want the nosy what not!

My sister remained firm with her intended break out - during this time my mother became quite a different person - invited some squatters across the road in for tea - people she would have shunned in the normal sense.

My sister never actually got the job and things slowly fell back to normal - they became two old ladies together - do I have guilt - bet your life I dooooo!

I was young - in love with a full life - children - a wonderful wife and the sap of youth coursing in my veins.

My reaction to my mother may have been due to the fact that she had never been tactile towards me as a child - the only cuddle she gave me is when she held me tight to comb my curly hair - I used to nestle in her bosom - whilst she dragged the comb through my hair - then suddenly she pushed me away saying good that's all over!

She loved my brother despite the shit he was to her - yes a great void existed between my mother and me - when she was dying I spent a few nights with my sister sitting about the home with them - my mother was admitted into hospital - the call came to get all the family around the bed . I went towards my mother in the bed to cuddle her - but she looked right through me towards her grandson - I melted away and arrived back home in tears. She died the next day.

Not sure what I am trying to get over to you other than to say - you are young - in love - with your life before you - your feelings are as programmed - the old die - the young struggle to live- the latter these days I am beginning to think - is the harder.

My sister gave up most of her life to my mother - in the first place out of need and circumstance - she ultimately paid a terrible price!

I loved my sister more than I can express - I was young and did not act as I should - getting old now and have more sense - ease up on yourself bring your husband and sister close to your self considered duties - its tough but life goes suddenly out of the window and you are only left with regrets - Wooda Shoulda. Most adults have these thoughts.

Your Mother managed the six weeks on her own - Yes she finished up in hospital but she was never alone - none of us are - something greater than ourselves is always in there fighting all our fears- your mother also has this helper.

Anam

October 2, 2003
2:27 am
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Sun4me
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Thanks so much for your story of you and your mother. I can't help but feel selfish and resentful. I think b/c of my parents verbally abusive relationship it took me until I was 38 years old to finally meet an honest, kind, respectful man who truly loves me. I have only just begun to discover my true self. We just bought a small townhouse next to the ocean...thank god for the beach. that helps me cope. I just started writing a novel. I loved typing away at my story whenever I had a spare moment. It is on hold right now. And my beloved dogs have scabs b/c they haven't gone on their daily walks for a few weeks now.

I think I need to make my line a little darker and bolder and stand my ground. If I imagine a nice honest person to come check on my mother a few hours a day, then it will happen. That is how I met my husband. I focused and meditated and imagined...and he finally came. Now I need to wish all those good things for my mother..and of course...start inquiring about where to find such people in my mom's town. For right now I am clinging on to the supposed easy way - "the I'll just do it myself b/c I don't trust anyone else" but I know in the long run this angle will not work. I must face the long hard road and search for the right people to help me and my mom.

thanks again,
Patricia

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