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I do not want my mother accessing my children
March 28, 2001
7:42 pm
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seeker1
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I had a childhood with a mother that was filled with anger, hatred and was the epitomy of narcisscism. She was also funny and showed a little affection at times, but generally she blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life, including her marriage.
She was the subject of abuse at my fathers hands and I witnessed it, later to find myself in my own abusive relationships.
I have grown out of that victimhood and am now leading a happy healthy life with my husband and children.
The few times that my mother has made an effort to contact me, I have reluctantly let her come to my home to stay for a week, because I am generally a compassionate person and feel sorry for her.
This past week was one of those weeks, she is in her sixties but she still has the ability to rage, abuse and threaten, and she chose this visit to do it.
I feel completely disgusted, and my children witnessed her whole tirade. She then ended up sobbing uncontrollably and blaming ME for her emotional state.
I used to feel responsible for her unhappiness as a child, teen and young woman, but I eventually learned that people who mistreated me, hurt me and then ended up crying were manipulating me into blaming me for their self hatred, anger and inability to control their emotions.
I feel the strings of this still pulling at me, but when I think about the things she said, threatened and then what set her off, which was basically nothing, I realise how messed up she really is and the sadness I feel should be for myself. For years of a loveless childhood and years of emotional pain and fear.
I have spoken to my husband and I dont want her legacy to be passed down onto my children. They barely know her and what they have seen in the past and recently have left them scarred. I almost feel like contacting my lawyer and getting a restraining order against my mother, so that she does not have anything to do with her. What do you suggest?
Seeker.

March 28, 2001
7:45 pm
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seeker1
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I also wanted to mention that she pretended she was having a heart attack and a nervous breakdown during this episode, as well as telling me that I was a disgusting daughter, I didnt deserve my husband, life etc
I have always suspected that she really does have a mental instability and my husband has never witnessed such bizarre behavior in his life, he thinks we should have her committed.

March 28, 2001
8:53 pm
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janes
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does she live close enough that you would NEED a restraining order?

Same town? Same street?

If not...or if she doesn't seek to make contact very often...just say "no" when she calls to ask for another visit.

If you have access to reasonable counseling...go for it....I grew up in the same type of situation and you may not think you need it...but it might make you feel better all around.

Good luck

March 29, 2001
1:28 am
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seeker1
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janes, thankyou for taking the interest and time to respond. Can you tell me a little about your situation

March 29, 2001
2:45 pm
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Ladeska
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Yep, you're going to have to slam dunk her! No buts about it. Do whatever it takes, but I'd cut her out of my life so fast it would make her wig spin. I've done that with my own mother and was the best thing I ever did. The games and manipulations were endless and one day I just said.....No More. And it does rub off on the children. You betcha it does. So, have no guilt about it all - just slam that door and be done with her. She deserves it and you guys deserve Peace. Enough already! And if you have to get a restraining order for this bully - then get it. Do whatever it takes and if she persists - yeah buddy - I'd commit her or die trying. She's sick and you don't need to allow that sickness to come into your life anymore than it already has. She'll be pissed that you have boundaries, that's for sure. Bummer. I have no sympathy whatsoever for people who are vicious like this. None. And you don't need to have any sympathy either. She's made her own bed, let her lay in it. She'd take you down with her if she could, so you stay on the shoreline with your husband and your children. And resist with all your might - any guilt because you say.....No More. Do not give her on inch. She storms your boundaries - you then make them 6 feet higher and 4 feet thicker and do it immediately. She's a strong-willed brat.

March 29, 2001
10:52 pm
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janes
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I LIVE with mine ...but the stroke helped (hers not mine) I know that sounds callous but mother or no the thing is people are people and some of them...esp the blood relatives of any of us can be down right crazed.

Part of my solution was learning that I don't have to believe her...or anyone else for that matter. Learning about codependency...starting to live my life in little ways. Belieiving more and more each year in me. I still have great problems but they are mine...no one else's (and you can't have them either!!!)

But I am old now.

When I was young it was do this do that don't do this don't do that No phys abuse at home or being called names...just insidious control freak mom. Screaming demanding fights and Dad never stopped her. And he could have. and should have. We children each rebeled in our own ways but went on to all become prfessionl women who are great.

With my own kids growing up in the same house.....I just reminded them that she is nutz. and made sure they were never alone with her....my hubby and I made sure one of us was around so she couldn't nag them or be unreasonable.

I finally learned...not to care. Or at least not to let it matter so much. Life is short. Crazy people die. and so do good ones.

I have no answers. Why? Why not?

I don't like severing ALL ties.... but you may need too. Esp if she refuses to follow the house rules YOU sset for YOUR house.

March 30, 2001
3:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Seeker - please go check out this website - http://drirene.com/1_nar.htm

March 30, 2001
10:07 pm
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seeker1
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Janes and Ladeska, I can not tell you how much your advice has helped me.
I have suffered with her repeated attempts to ruin my life, make my life hers, including hitting on my boyfriends, trying to turn my children against me. I just cant tell you how much you have both done for me, especially Ladeska.
Janes, I am sorry that you had so much bs for so long, you sound like you really deserved so much more, please dont let any one treat you that way ever again.
My mother is jealous of my accomplishments and will try to do whatever it takes to bring me down. when I am down, I swear she is happy.
I cant imagine how a mother can be this way towards their child.

March 30, 2001
10:29 pm
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seeker1
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Ladeska, you are incredibly intelligent! Your link to Drirenes site in regards to the Narcissist, pertains to my situation perfectly. My mother indeed fits on every line.
It is incredible to read about her from the perspective of a Doctor who has obviously studied narcissism in great detail and describe her manipulations, ploys, tactics and underlying psychology to such an incredibly perceptive degree. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my chest..phew.

The narcissist acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to demolish in others their carefully crafted worldview. They become dependent upon the next twist and turn of the narcissist, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile. Because he is assumed to be the only one intimately acquainted with his self -he becomes the source of certitude and veracity. In other words: the narcissist makes sure that HE is the only reliable existence in the lives of others - by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He guarantees his stable presence in their lives - by destabilizing their own.

DISPROPORTIONAL REACTIONS

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the narcissist's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be). This ever-shifting code of conduct coupled with the inordinately harsh and arbitrarily applied "penal code" are both of the narcissist's design and unbeknownst to the "offenders". Neediness and dependence on the source of all justice meted - on the narcissist - are thus guaranteed.

DEHUMANIZATION AND OBJECTIFICATION (ABUSE)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social treaty. This is the "alien" aspect of narcissists - they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature. This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the Narcissist's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

ABUSE OF INFORMATION

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the narcissist is on the prowl. He collects information with the intention of applying it to extract narcissistic supply. The more he knows about his potential source of supply - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The narcissist does not hesitate to abuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armoury.

IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS

The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he will be sorely needed. The narcissist, his knowledge, his skills or his traits become the only ones applicable, or the most useful to resolving them. The narcissist contrives his own indispensability. It is a form of control by proxy.

CONTROL BY PROXY

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as well as social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment). Society, or a social group become the instruments of the narcissist.

AMBIENT ABUSE

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control.

Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting". In the long term, such an environment erodes one's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered the mentally disordered component of the dyad and the narcissist - the suffering soul

March 30, 2001
11:14 pm
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Ladeska
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Seeker...you're so very welcome...(smile) Knowledge is "power". Not to use as weapons, but as "tools" to instigate your own freedom, your own health. To cut the ties that bind you that they can't cut because they don't know how and are so very twisted up in their own stuff. You deserve to be.....free. That's what life is about - shaking free of the cocoon and going about your own journey - unencumbered. I'm not so intelligent...just resourceful. (smile) Is good to see a lightbulb come on in that brain of yours. Now go stun the world with it. You might want to go pick up a copy of "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck, too. Incredible book. Read it slow...in fact, not sure one can read it - fast!Now - here's a guy - who's "intelligent...

April 3, 2001
11:16 pm
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janes
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I found Dr Irene before I ever came here.....

So much touching stuff. BIG TIME.

I feel Doc is pretty right on too.

Another bright woman.

(aren't we all so great)

Not to ignore the men...anyone heard from Tez lately?

I have been intriqued by Scott Peck..Is he really worth it?

Take care gang?

April 4, 2001
11:18 am
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Ladeska
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Hey Janes.....Do you mean is Peck worth reading? Yes, I think he is. He's exceptionally bright. Puts keys in doors that unlock a great deal.

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