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I didn't get out of bed all day yestersdy...No tears left to cry.
February 7, 2006
4:00 pm
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butterflybaby
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Feelinglost,

Well I think all of what you said there was good. I think it is great that you got your own place and that you made friends and I don't think he can take credit for any of that. Those people are friends with you because they like you not because you know him and you are right about the house maybe he put the idea in your head but your the one that actually followed through and got it. This stich reminds me of my ex-hubby..he always turned everything around on me but then if anything postive was going on he wanted credit for it. Well thats just not how it all played out and I got sick of it.

I would also say that the steriods are probably making him moody. I don't know much about them but have seen a couple of specials on TV about them and I think they cuz mood swings even after they have stopped because I think it is still in there system for some time.

Well I am kinda freaking out over here on my end becaues my what is supposed to be ex bf just called and i totally talked to him. its like i dont know how to say no. right now things are ok and great between us but in the end i know he hasnt worked on himself at all and given enough time things will go back how they were..but now all i can think about is how i get to see him tonight. sometimes i really feel like a mental case?

Also i think sometimes rambling is good it helps to get all of those thoughts out of your head because lord knows i ramble all the time.

Hugs back at ya,
Butterfly

February 7, 2006
4:05 pm
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cookys
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tc66-
wow, you just made me realize something. when you said"he turns things around so that he doesn't look like the bad guy" now i understand, read pathological liar for a husband if you have time

February 7, 2006
4:37 pm
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I wish I was In love
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I am sorry for you- I will pray to the lord for your strenght and peace
everyday it will get better you will see. remenber that sometimes the arguments are not for the same reasons you really argued -some may be excuses people find to really get into it to end the relationships -if thats the case any way, well you will see that some things are really meant to be even if they really hurt.
May the Lord Bless you and give you peace now and everyday.

February 7, 2006
4:45 pm
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pathfinder
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Feeling lost,

I have been following your posts since last month and I was struck by the similarities in personality between your bf and my Ex. Mine was also using steroids and had extreme double standards. He could have female friends and they called all the time yet I could NOT have any male friends unless they were extremely unattractive and didn't pose "a threat".

You sound like such a smart girl. Your lucky to have your own place at 25 (I'm 34 and yet to have my piece of the American dream--hopefully this year) Your bf may very well be insecure because YOU could probably replace him in a heartbeat---as smart and independent as you are!

My advise is please oh please do not settle for less then you deserve. You deserve to receive the same kindness and consideration that you give to him. I would hate for you to end up really hurt by this man.

Blaming you for everything that goes wrong is a big RED FLAG. Many others have asked you if you are willing to put up with his double standards and temper. Mine did the same--he would storm out in the heat of the moment or threaten to kick me out (which he did at last)

I understand that you love him and it sounds like you are willing to give 100% to make things work. I say go for it. Eventually time will give you the answers that you seek. Do your best and be your best for yourself and if he still makes you unhappy then you will know what you have to do.

I hope you are able to work things out in your favor.

Only you live in your shoes and know what is best for you. But please oh please don't allow yourself to be bullied, intimidated, conrolled or threatened---these are all forms of emotional abuse--and abuse usually worsens with time.

February 7, 2006
5:13 pm
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gettingthere
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feelinglost thinking of you wish i could give you a hug and take your pain away ,,,,,,,,,always here for you GT

February 7, 2006
9:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Pathfinder,
Thanks for the advice. His mood swings and everything seem to be up and down. I hadn't talked to him all day and he sends me a text message asking how much it cost to get my car fixed. Then he called to remind me he had his house settlement on 2/14 and MAYBE we could do something. He acted some what normal. He asked if I was going out w/ a friend from his gym on Thursday. I told him I didn't know I had a review class for my accounting course. He said I don't care if you go out!!! I just think you can be obnoxious when you drink! Sp it went from I was cheating on him, to I was a liar, I should go out and now its okay if I go out he just doesn't want me to get "drunk".

I have been thinking about everyones advice tonight. Looking at my CODA books & women who love too much. I am thinking that every fight is going to be my fault until he works through his issues. I cried a river yesterday, I really thought we were done. It was a day of grief for me. I don't know if I want to put myself through that again the next time he gets a wild hair up his butt!

I am trying to process and thank you for the kind words. I really love this sight because we can all identify with each other in some way. SO Thank You for your advice and thank you for caring.

Maybe I need to realize I can't fix him. One day at a time...

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:00 pm
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Mj, Thank you for the support. I am trying to work through everything. Not be the co-dependent me doing whatever I can to save the relationship but it is so hard.

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:02 pm
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Lilly,

I took your advice and got a nice hot shower. Sat down and tried to relax. I was watching days of our lives, petting my cat Pud, and eating some cheese and rice. Sometimes it is just the simple things...

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:05 pm
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TC,

I was thinking about some of the things you said about red flags. I used to pick fights and blame my ex for cheating when I was the one that was guilty.Thanks for the support and giving me something to think about.

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:08 pm
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Butterfly,

Thanks for identifying with my situation and giving me such thoughtful feedback. I have been thinking about what you sadi about the book women who love to much. I had started reading it and I picked up again tonight. Sometimes I feel like she is talking about me in the book...

I know what you mean about feeling like you are going crazy. You sound very put together and intelligent. Why is it so easy to see red flags for other but we can't always see them in our own lives?

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:11 pm
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Regret,

Thank I appreciate it. I don't understand the world of double standards what is good for one partner should be good for the other!

I am sure that you saw my other post. First he was mad bc he said I was a cheater and I would never change. Then he said that he didn't want to be with a liar. Then he said my going out was a problem and the it was me having some drinks when I am out!

He's making my head hurt...

Hopefully we will talk tomorrow.

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:13 pm
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Taj,

Thanks. Its funny I always think crying is bad but I do feel better today and I am starting to see things more clearly today.

But then I second guess myself, do i only feel better because he is being somewhat normal?

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:15 pm
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I wish I was in love,

Thank you for your kind words an prayers. They are sincerely appreciated. Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:16 pm
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gettingthere,

I have missed talking to you! Thanks for the support it means a lot. I just need to process somethings. Maybe sometime apart from him will do me good.

Hugs, Lost

February 7, 2006
10:40 pm
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SassyAlex
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This guy is a master manipulator. And I should know, because I've been involved with some of the best. It's easier for us to see because we are outside of it, but damn, I know what it's like to be smart yet allow these diabolical beings to make us question our own motivations about EVERYTHING.

First, this guy is mad at you for everything he does but worse. He was MARRIED when you two met, but he wants to throw in your face that you were involved and that you will cheat again. HELLO??!???? What a hypocrite, this azz wasn't single either, he was married!! Also, you said in the beginning he has a lot of women friends...so why should you have to hide or get in trouble for yours??

I would take a SERIOUS look at why he's saying you will cheat, but you are not. He may very well be projecting, accusing you of what he is guilty of. Maybe HE'S repeating the cheating (hey that rhymes ;)). Also, he told you he hadn't talked to this girl for months yet you found a recent call. So, on top of everything else, he is LYING.

I know it's hard to see clearly, but your gut must be telling you...this guy is no good from top to bottom. He doesn't want to try therapy? Another BAD sign. He is scrambling your brain because he knows how to, and he knows it will keep you guessing and with him. He wants to have his lies and girls, but you can have nothing.

Then you mention towards the end he is using steroids. OK, now isn't that the last straw? Of course it's making him moody, and it is doing a lot more than that!

This is NOT the man you want to settle down and have children with! Good luck to you.

February 8, 2006
8:30 am
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Anonymous
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Sassy,

Thank you. Itt's funny how clear things can become when someone points out what is right in front of your face.

Thanks for the support, FeelingLost

February 8, 2006
8:37 am
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Update this morning: Last night my boyfriend and I talk a few times. I didn't call him to say good night like I normally do. So he sends me a text message telling me the are redoing and old car on TLC. I guess his way of talking to me.

I normally talk to my boyfriend in the morning. So instead I listened to co-dependent no more on my way to work to keep me occupied. Some of the things I heard this morning made me feel sick and aware. I am trying to control my boyfriend by submitting to his every whim and he is actually controlling me. I made a decision that if he wants space he can have it.

Letting go seems like the scariest thing but I guess it is the only way.

Something else struck me like a lighting bolt... The rescuer, persecutor, victim triangle. That is me a lot of the times.

But something else also struck me, that is my boyfriend too! Maybe we are both co-dependent? Classic example of playing the triangle. he helps everyone do everything, then he gets mad because everyone asks him for help, Then he asks why people are so helpless and says he doesn't have time to do his stuff!

thoughts?

Hug & Thanks Again, Feelinglost

February 8, 2006
8:51 am
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Feelinglost,
I have a garuantee for you if you don't contact him. Listen closely...HE IS GOING TO COME BACK TO YOU. The only question is what will you do when he calls you.

February 8, 2006
9:44 am
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gettingthere
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feelinglost i agree with hopeful he will contact you,,,dont no whether you feel like calling him or not but if you do feel like you want to come here instead let him come to you and then you can say how it is tell him yove had enough of being shoved to one side thinking of you love GT

February 8, 2006
10:14 am
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What do you think I should do about some other stuff? We had plans for Valentines day. Should I make my own? Should I see what happens?

Also my other concern is we have a trip planned to Atlantic City. When we first had this fight he told me to take the money he gave me for Christmas and pay for the trip. The trip cost about 400 but is non-refundable because I got a special rate.

Last night I asked what he wanted to do because his friends didn't feel like driving to AC anyway. Long story short before this fight I had planned a surprise B-day Trip for me, him, and two of his friends. I talked it over with all of his friends and everyone was ok with going to AC so I booked the trip. A few days later my BF calls and ask me if I could change the reservation bc his friend would have to drive eight hours to meet us.

So naturally I felt upset after I had confirmed plans with everyone and spent the money for the trip.
Now I guess we are back to going. If I could get my money back I would tell him to forget it... But the trip is bought and paid for.

Suggestions?

February 8, 2006
10:26 am
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butterflybaby
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Feelinglost,

Sorry I did reply back to you last night, but I did something crazy myself. I saw my ex again. But you are right about us not seeing the red flags or I think sometimes I see the red flags but I make so many excuses for the person that I justify whatever the red flag is. It is so funny because all I want to do is help that person but if they don't want it I can't do anything. I have to realize that.

I am struggling again today very much with the fact that I saw my ex again. Like things can be so great sometimes but in time they will always go back to the way they were. Why do I keep putting myself in this stich its a vicious circle. I just don't understand what I am thinking. All of my friends are trying so hard to be supportive and be there for me but I feel so empty without him.

February 8, 2006
10:30 am
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Regret
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feelinglost,

Hei, I see you are doing good today. That is really nice to see. Your bf has charactere traits that seem v. similar to my ex. He blows off, accuses me of things i would not dream of doing and then wakes up tommorrow and all is well. Hellloooooooo!!! The night does not delete the hurt!

Someone mentioned projection here. My advice is that you watch that v. well. My ex used to say he was sure i would leave him for another man. Believe me, he had absolutely no reason to suspect this. In the end, he left me for another.

I believe that in life, we accept only that which we would want. Did you want to go to AC? If the answer is yes, I suggest that you take some gfs with you if he doesn't want to go with just you. It is not your fault that his friends backed out on teh plan and if he cannot accept that, let it be his problem but since you spent 400 on teh trip, you go and enjoy it.

On Val's day, I would lie a bit low and see the cards he would play. Don't make things any easy for him. He is the one who ranted and raved. The one who called you a cheater- pot calling kettle black. Let him come back to you.

And lost, I am not telling you anything that I have not done myself so I am not just spewing out cheap talk.

Take care and all the best!

February 8, 2006
10:35 am
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butterflybaby
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Wow...I'm not sure what to tell you about your last post I didn't see that before I just reply'd. IT sounds like a situation I was in last year. I had paid for my bf and I to go on a cruise for X mas. Everythign was paid for and then we started fighting. I felt obligated to go because I had already spent the money. Well long story short we went..the trip was half good half bad but it didn't help me with moving on at all...and now we are more than a year later still in the same situation. If you are serious about wanting to move on with your life...I would suggest not going but I know its hard when you already spent the money..or go and take friends or yours...screw him and his friends.

Also I totally agree with what you said about the triangle thing last night. I can so see myself in that stich as well as my ex/ not ex bf.

February 8, 2006
11:19 am
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gettingthere
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lost sorry didnt realise you had been talking to your b/f again but now caught up i agree with what butterfly said go with some mates screw him,,,,,,,,show him you aint waiting on his moods and wants...GT

February 8, 2006
12:46 pm
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I am so confused.... There is tat part of me that wants to go back to my comfort zone but then i think if I do when does this kind of behavior stop?

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