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I didn't get out of bed all day yestersdy...No tears left to cry.
February 7, 2006
9:16 am
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend broke up with me over a huge misunderstanding. I cant even stop crying long enough to write.

February 7, 2006
9:42 am
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mj
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((((((((feelinglost))))))))))))

I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain.

February 7, 2006
9:49 am
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I feel so sad. My boyfriend has a lot of girl friends. I have to admit I get jealous sometimes. He says he doesn't care if I have guy friends but lately he has been really jealous. So the other night my one guy friend sent me a text message. He freaked out and said I was cheating on him. He left the house and told me he never want to see me again. All I did was lay in bed & cry yesterday.

February 7, 2006
10:04 am
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mj
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I see how that must have hurt you.
But let's look at the reality here ok.
You didn't do anything wrong! He over-reacted because of his jealousy. I think he is sending a double standard message here. You can't have guy friends if he feels insecure?
Do me a favor and jump in a nice refreshing hot shower and cherish today! You are worthy of a Good Day after Yesterday.

February 7, 2006
10:10 am
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LostLilly
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Feeling lost - I'm with mj - you are worthy of healthy love, which is not something this guy is giving you. Your self worth does not need to be based on whether or not this guy (or any guy) wants you. Cherish today and know that you are cherished. Can you get out for a massage or a pedicure - something to nurture YOU?!

Lilly
(who needs to follow her own words of advice)

February 7, 2006
10:44 am
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Let me elaborate. The text message was from agood guy frined of mine who is cop where I work. We have been friends for a long time and he stops to see me every once in awhile when he is working.It is completley innocent. I didnt want to tell my boyfriend about it bc I didn't want him to overreact. So I am not innocent I lied but I wasn't lying to be decitful. I just want to stop crying.

February 7, 2006
10:49 am
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butterflybaby
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Hi there feelinglost.

Well I know totally how you feel but I guess the most important thing is you. If you truly want to stop crying and feel better...then you need to just start doing something. Even if you just continue to cry...get up wash the dishes..scrub the tub do anything...keep distracting yourself. Eventually you should be able to get your mind to settle down some. Not that this is a long term cure...but even if it can just get you to stop crying for an hour thats a step in the right direction. Plus you deserve someone in your life that isn't going to overreact to something so petty..you deserve someone that would talk to you if they had a concern not just leave. Hope that helps : )

February 7, 2006
11:40 am
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Now I talked to him and he says he isn't mad because he thinks I cheated! He said he is mad because I go out with my friends and drink. I might go out once or twice a week but I am 25 I have no kids. I keep my job and I still maintain a 3.8 GPA in college. He pushed me when we were fighting on Sunday. It was nothing but it obviously upset him. I stood in front of him because I didn't want him to storm out of the house. I feel like this is all my fault. He said I get pushy when I drink and he can't deal with it. He said that I need to quit going out if I want him to trust me.

February 7, 2006
11:52 am
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Red flag, red flag!!!!!

An ex boyfriend of mine used to pick fights with me when he wanted OUT! He didn't want to be with me any longer, but was too cowardly to say it, so he flipped things around to be MY FAULT. If he accused me of talking to other men, it was only because HE was talking to other women. He accused me of things that were either not true or things that I had no control over... all of which were designed to create an "escape hatch" for him. He blames you so that he does not feel like a bad guy. He turns the tables to eliminate his guilt and make his disgusting behavior justified.

I'm not saying that is what your bf is doing. Just sharing my experience. Don't let him make you feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong! You know that!!

Good luck,

TC

February 7, 2006
11:52 am
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butterflybaby
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I don't mean to pry but, how long have you two been together? Has he ever pushed you before? Your stich sounds sorta like what mine used to be. I am in the same category as you...I'm 25 no kids..got a great job...and about the same gpa in school too. When I was with my ex he didn't like that I would go out even though I never did anything wrong when I did go out. He just had trust issues and the thing is that was his issue not mine. He was trying to control me and finally amoung many other problems that is one of the reasons I left him.

February 7, 2006
12:13 pm
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My ex and I have been together for about 2 years. When we met he was still married and I was in a relationship. We both knew our relationships were over but in hind sight I should have not cheated on my BF. Long story short we both got out of our relationships and continued dating. After the incident on Sunday night he started saying he knew I didn't change and I would repeat old patterns. He said people don't change just adapt. I was very upset because I have went to a lot of therapy and read a lot of books. I have changed because I needed to. I was always very honest with him about my past and now he is using it against me. He said I cheated on my BF and I was just going to do it to him. I asked him why him & I were any different and he said because he knew his marriage was over. I think he has some self esteem issues and it hurts our relationship and things get blamed on me.

February 7, 2006
12:24 pm
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taj64
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I think crying is very good at a time like this. Cry all you want to. It is very good to do this as part of the healing process. People can change. So he is wrong. I am not sure this guy can change though. Blaming you is his problem, not yours. Don't let him immature comments get you down. When you fight, fight fair and that means not bringing up past issues such as the cheat issue. That is not fair fighting. Stick to the issue at hand. I think in time you will realize that this man is not for you and you won't think twice about it, you will look back and say it was for the better. Maybe it is good to cry and get this out of your system. He doesn't sound mature enough for a committed relationship and all this it takes.

February 7, 2006
12:40 pm
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mj
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So do you have to get permission to have good friends? Because you haven't told him about your friend doesn't seems deceitful unless you both agreed to divulge all friendships. Is that the case?

February 7, 2006
12:48 pm
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butterflybaby
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Overall it sounds like your ex has plenty of issues of his own but rather than dealing with them he blames things on you. It is his way of not dealing and putting it all on you which isn't right. You deserve more than this...from what you said earlier it sounds like you are a very strong caring and got herself together type of gal...which is good..and in the end it will be his loss. I would say cry now if that is what you feel you need to do and eventually you will get to the point that you don't want to cry anymore. I know I used to ball all the time when my bf and I used to have problems but now I just don't feel the need to cry at all..which at first seemed weird to me but I am realizeing that I am moving past that stage. It will take a lot of hard work on your part to get through this but in the end I know that I want to find someone that works great with me and that doesn't cause drama like this...so I push forward...even though I make alot of backward steps along the way. Overall I hope that I am moving forward and I wish the same for you.

February 7, 2006
12:48 pm
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Regret
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feeling lost,

I hope you feel much better today. I am sorry that you are going through this. Breakup in any form is hard but this is time for you to think through the relationship too.

First, he said you could have guy friends so what is it with his anger? This is my ex there. One minute, he is open minded and doesn't mind that i hv male friends as he has female friends but then the next minute, he is throwing tantrums because someone was hugging me in broad day light or i was sitting in a group which included men. It is bullshit- and i agree that it has tons to do with self esteem issues. The ball is in your court- can you deal with this for the rest of your life?

Secondly, if he had problems with your drinking, he should have addressed it rather than linking it to the text message. Is he a good communicator? Does he tell you when he has issues with you or does he always keep them buried until something else comes up?

The third thing is the ultimatum he gave you. I don't think that partners should have the right tyo give ultimatums to each other. Well, ok, they can in some cases but this did not sound to me like it was something you had been discussing for a long time with no change from you.

I see red flgs. I would take my time and think through just what it is that ***I*** want. Let him be out there and just take things slowly. You will know who he is once you get in control of things.

I am not here much but will check on you tommorrow.

All the best.

February 7, 2006
1:07 pm
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Classic example of a double standard. He had a girl calling him. I asked why she was calling and he said she liked him but she is a loser. She continued to call and I got very upset bc of the things he said those things about her and he continued to take her calls. He said that he would stop talking to her. I knew he was lying because I saw a call from her when he said she hadn't called in months. I was naturally upset and he told me I was overacting and he would be friends with whom ever he wanted. So I brought that up to him on Sunday and he said he didn't want to tell me about the call and upset me. I said you knew it was innocent but lying to me about it made it worse. I said that is what I did by not showing you the text message and I appologize but it is a huge misunderstanding.

I look at this man and want to be his wife and have kids with him! I asked him today if he had told his friends what happened and he said yes. I asked if any of them would think I would cheat on him and he mumbled no. So its very obvious that I am devoted to him. I am so frustrated and upset.

February 7, 2006
1:15 pm
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butterflybaby
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Have you ever suggested to him about going to therapy? I mean you guys could go together or he could go by himself. It sounds like he really needs to work on his issues and that you guys need to work on how you communicate with each other. I think it would be a good idea to consider everything regret wrote from earlier...do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? if you can honestly answer yes then you should find a way of working through this..but that would mean he would have to work on this also.

February 7, 2006
1:48 pm
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Butterflybaby,

He is so against going to counseling. I have went plenty of times on my own. He doesn't believe in going to any kind of doctor. I guess I could always ask again. He is so up and down. The one minute he is happy and the next he is complaining about his job and life. He is 35 an extremely successful for his age. But he doesn't see that he thinks he is fat and hates his job. He is very attractive but he was very heavy when he was younger and I think that has a good deal to do with his insecurities. I keep thinking it is just me. A mutual friend of our said that she thinks he worries about me because I am younger then him, I have my life together, and I have a good personality.Why do I think I can fix everything? There are so many good times but he has these moments where he makes me feel like our relationship would work if I didn't go out. I go out to spend time with my friends, not to pick up men, and I only go out when he has plans. I don't know what the real issue is here. I am in love with him, but when these things happen I wonder.

The other thing is I do tend to get a little tipsy when I am out. But I never drive and I think when I am drinking I get the courage to tell him things I don't when I am not drinking, I can't hid my emotions. He says I change when I drink. Does it sound like I have a drinking problem, this is making me question myself.

February 7, 2006
2:08 pm
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butterflybaby
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Feelinglost,

The only person that could decide if you have a drinking problem is yourself. I have been around alcoholics for my entire life and but I couldn't tell you if you had a problem. I guess you need to think do you have to drink or is it just something you do because you want to socially...not because you have to. Also I have to say when I go out I get tipsy too but like yourself I always make sure I don't have to drive and that is a good thing. I also agree with you that you probably do tell him some things when you are tipsy that you wouldn't normally tell him..one way to deal with this is to be more open with him on a regular basis so that when you do get tipsy you don't feel the need to tell him things..cuz he may decide he wants to actually talk to you about certain things and if that happens you don't want to be tipsy.

It sounds like alot of this has to do with his insecurities and he is putting that then on you. You shouldn't be carrying all of your own burdens plus his. Ok so he was overweight as a child and had issues growing up but like we all have and if you had a stich growing up that bothered you it would be you that needed to work through it...you couldn't have anyone else do it for you.

Personally when you said he is totally against counseling that makes me nervous...only because counseling can never hurt it can only help. But if someone doesn't want the help they will reject the idea entirely. And it sounds like he doens't want to admit there is anything wrong with him he just wants to blame you for everything...that way he doesn't have to face his own demons.

Your question about why do you feel you can fix everything is the same question I ask myself all the time. One term that I have picked up from one of my self help books is that we are "women who love to much" we are willing to sacrafice everything for them and think of ourselves last. If you are interested in checking out this book I found it to be great...like I felt as if the author was talking directly to me sometimes. Not everything will relate directly to you but you can realate to some of the stiches. It is called Women who love to much by Robin Norwood.

I hope some of what I said helps.

Let me know!! I'm hear for you...cuz I know just what your going through.

February 7, 2006
2:33 pm
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Butterflybaby,

Thank you so much for listening. Everyone's support does help. I don think about driniking all day long. The only time I have a few drinks is when I am out socializing.

I just get my courage when I have a few drinks. I am always worry about fighting with him if I tell him how I feel. I know that is bad! when we first startrd dating I was emotionally shut down so I don't think I noticed his communication problems. I have rally grown and worked on myself and I think I notice his problems more then I did before.

About counseling, He said he knows he has issues and he will deal with them his own way.

Now today he is back to talking to me a little bit. he started out being nasty. Now he offered to give me a ride to drop my car offon Saturday but he deosn't know if he wants to do anything this weekend...He said he will see, he isn't sure yey and he is going to play everything by ear.

Does it sound like he is playing games with me?

February 7, 2006
2:47 pm
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Do you think he is trying to manipulate me into not making any plans?

February 7, 2006
2:48 pm
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butterflybaby
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Well it sounds like you are ok on the drinking front so I think he just says that to try to get to you.

Wow well to me that sounds totally like he is playing games. It sounds like if something better comes along he is going to go and do that but if he is free then he will hang with you. I don't mean for that to come off in a bad way that is just the first thing that jumped into my head when I read that.

And for him to say he will deal with his own problems his own way...to me it just sounds like he is ignoring them. He doesn't want to deal. But unfortunatly that is his decision. You have to decide for yourself now that you have worked on yourself...do you really want to continue to put up with this for the rest of your life? do you want to be with someone that won't deal with there feelings? You sound like you have changed from when you two first entered into the relationship..it sounds like you have grown and worked on yourself where as he is still in the same place he was. One thing that kinda helped me is that I went back and read all of the past millions of emails my boyfriend and I sent back and forth between each other. I realized that we were still fighting about the exact same problems from over a year and half ago. And what was now the problem is that I had worked on myself and grown and he hadn't and he didn't want to. And although currently we are kinda back together I'm sure it won't last past the next couple of days and I will be crushed again. I keep debating myself with can I deal with this for the rest of my life?

Personally what I want in my life is someone that I can go to and talk to about anything and not have to worry about them getting mad at me or taking things the wrong way...that is what I want more than anything and I know in order to do that I have to let go of my past and move forward even though thats like telling me I'm not aloud to breath anymore. You have to decide how much is enough or if you can take more then what can be done to make the stich more ok with you. Like one thing I try to tell myself is that you can truly only ever count on yourself so is this was your best friend would you be cool if this was her stich...what would you tell her???

February 7, 2006
2:58 pm
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You are right about a lot of that stuff. Maybe it is too soon after his divorce and I don't want to see the writing on the wall. I feel like if I don't go out then he is happy, but he doesn't want me to center my life around him. So I made friends and we go out and now he doesn't like that.

I told him if he doesn't want me to go out if it will end all of this fighting I will stop. He wrote back and said you do what you need to do, I am not telling you what to do. He has the ability to turn everything around on me!

February 7, 2006
3:08 pm
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butterflybaby
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If you stop going out to be with him does that make you happy?

And you are right that he is turning it around on you. And I don't think if you were to stop going out that it would fix everything. It sounds like something else would become the new issue and i think it is very important for you to maintain some type of independence. If he really wanted to be with you he would work on the problems instead of just turning everything around on you and blaming you.

Do you think this is something you want to live with and deal with the rest of your life? You mentioned earlier that you want to have kids with him....but do you want to deal with this when you have a family? Or do you want someone that is willing to be there and work with you?

February 7, 2006
3:37 pm
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Butterflybaby,
Good questions... No I like to go out but maybe I shouldn't drink as much when I do. I guess I feel like if I stop going out we will build more trust and then he wont care if I go out.

He said he left his ex-wife because she had no goals or motivation. We lived together for a little while. He said after he sold his house he didn't want to move in together right away. He wanted to make sure I wasn't with him for him to take care of me.

That seemed understandable... So I bought a house settled in November and I haven't asked for a thing!

I do like living alone and it was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. He likes to tell me that he was the one who convinced me to buy my house. I had debated between renting and buying because of the settlement cost involved. He came with me to my house to look at household things that need to be corrected. But, ultimately I asked the questions, I saved the money, and I got the financing.

Then it was he didn't want to be the center of my world, so I made friends, he said that the only friends I have are because of him.
These are people who are mutual friends and then he puts them down when I go out with them.

He recently started taking steroids and I told him I thought it was making him very moody. He said he stopped taking them on Saturday.

Sorry I am just rambling....

Hugs, Lost

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