Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I did it....(but wish I didn't)...help!
September 9, 2005
6:39 pm
Avatar
lilmissfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I broke up with my boyfriend night before last and I'm having so much difficulty dealing with my decision. I'm still so much in love with him, but I couldn't take the lies and deception regarding his drug use any longer.

About a month ago after finding out from his obsessed drug dealer that he was using again, I gave him an ultimatum. Stop all contact with her and get into a recovery program. He agreed and I was elated. We started going to NA meetings together and I thought I succeeded in "saving" him, but I was wrong.

There had been a few unexplained periods of time where what he told me just didn't seem to add up, but I shoved my feelings aside and decided to trust what he said. But this past Tuesday night when I went to his house, I am almost confident that he was higher than a kite (drug of choice is crystal meth). I tried to shove that aside because I wasn't sure. But the next morning after doing some snooping, I found the evidence. Blue baggies...little broken light bulbs....I couldn't deny it any longer. Though I was out of town, I broke up with him by emailing him a letter later that night.

I set a boundary. He crossed it. I did the right thing by not tolerating his drug use and lies again. But I feel so terrible. I just want to contact him, and we have communicated over email, but he's telling me that I crossed his boundaries. I tell him that I didn't want to do this and that I love him, but I'm getting a pretty cold response from him.

I know that this is best. I should be thankful that he's not begging me to give him one more chance, but it really hurts that he's not even trying. I just recently recognized my codependent tendancies and trying to recover myself while in a relationship with an addict is virtually impossible.

I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of encouragement. I hurt so much right now...the pain is almost unbearable.

September 9, 2005
6:45 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((heres some encouragement)))) you did the right thing....you did not enable him...you set your boundaries and he disrespected them......keep holding on, and keep posting & know that you are not alone.

September 9, 2005
7:12 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lilmiss - there is nothing more sickening than dealing with a loved one who is drugging and lying to you. It's the most uncontrollable situation ever, it leaves you helpless - the key word being uncontrollable. I KNOW that you had a glimmer of hope, which multipies this current situation by a million percent. But the reality is that he will stop when he's good and ready - and he's obviously not ready. That doesn't mean that you failed - it doesn't mean that he didn't try - it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you - He failed himself, because he loves the drug more. You did the right thing by warning him what would happen if he didn't quit - and you stuck to your word. You are right in your decision. It takes a strong person to stick to their word, and you did. You're watching out for you and doing what is best for you and your life. Let him worry about his own. No one should have to live in the shadows of someone who is drugging - you know what it's like first hand and you KNOW that you CAN'T live that way. Whether you do drugs or not, when your partner chooses that life for himself, he chooses that life for you too and every disgusting thing that goes with it. Don't settle for that life, just to have that occassional glimps of what you think your bf is capable of being. He's not that person while he is drugging - accept that. You're loving his potential, not who he really is right now. Keep that in mind and don't worry - we'll help you. Take care.

September 9, 2005
7:18 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You did the right thing. Had you not enforced your boundaries he'd had walked all over you and never taken you seriously.

I'm in year 13 being married to a good guy that falls off the wagon every so often. I just found out today that my son is using again.

Living w/ addicts is no picnic. It is hard. The lies, deceit, mistrust.. it's a hard row to hoe. It's like such a rollercoaster ride and you are screaming "let me off" but it just does not stop.

Honey, you did the right thing. Maybe this will give him the incentive to get the help he needs. We'll pray so.

September 9, 2005
7:19 pm
Avatar
22haha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

littlemiss- it sounds like you did exactly what you had to do. You set a boundary, he crossed it and you stood your ground. Thats what you are supposed to do. If he wants help, he is the only one that can decide to get help for himself. You leaving may be the only thing that makes him realize that this is the time he actually needs to do it. Staying with him will only allow him to continue using. Don't contact him as tough as it is and let him realize you are standing up for what you believe in, and yourself.

September 9, 2005
8:05 pm
Avatar
allabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sometimes in life we need to move on. You did the right thing. In 2055 you will be glad that you did this in 2005. That is if you can remember him. Our minds put things behind us to protect us. Your decision is based on your assertiveness not your enabling. You go girl.

September 9, 2005
8:24 pm
Avatar
lilmissfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and reinforcement. I know in my heart I did what's right. I'm just getting used to behaving differently. In the past it would have taken me years to get to this point. This time it only took 4 months (thanks to discovering I was codependent and trying to do something about it).

I read the book "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward today. There was a line in there that really hit me. It said "the more you act in your own best interests, the worse you feel". This is exactly where I am right now. I've finally put myself first in this relationship and it feels terrible. All I want is to feel better and he's the only one who can make me feel better. But I know it would be a temporary fix, just like him and his drug use. Unless I deal with the root issue, the pain will only come back.

I know all of this stuff in my head...I practically own a library of self-help books. But my heart is broken. I want him to call, but I know he won't. And if I try to contact him again, I'll just look like some obsessed lunatic (which is exactly how I feel). I pray for the strength and the courage to push past the pain and worry more about my own well-being for a change.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
36
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38546
Posts: 714227
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer