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I Could Walk Easily Just Walk Away- But I Continue To Destroy Myself. Why?
September 8, 2005
4:29 pm
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Dorian
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I found this website a few weeks ago when I was searching the Net for info on codependency. I’ve been coming back on a daily basis to read the posts. It feels good to know that I’m not alone and I can relate to so many of you out there. Here’s my story. I would appreciate any feedback that you can give me.

I’m a single, college educated, woman with a decent job, buying my own home, and not too hard on the eyes, I’m told. The guy I’ve been dating for the last 3 years is “self employed” (works when he needs/wants to), has a tiny 1 room apartment, no credit, nothing of any value, is an alcoholic, smokes to much (cigs and pot), has poor hygiene habits and although he does not physically abuse me, has verbally abused me on occasion when he drinks too much.

He has become my drinking buddy. I’m drinking now almost every night after work. It’s starting to affect my job and definitely my self esteem. But I’m hooked. Not physically to the alcohol, because I can take days off, but I love to go hang out at his little dumpy apartment and drink. There’s always people stopping by and it’s just a fun place to be.

But for some time now, I’ve been feeling guilty because I’m letting other areas slip in my life. Besides not caring much about my job anymore, I’m not exercising or eating right or pursuing other interests. I’ve tried to just stay home and not go there, but I feel like I’m “missing out”. Or I’m afraid some girl will stop by and “something will happen”. Single “friends” that are woman stop by all the time. No, I guess I don’t trust him. And yes, I’m insecure.

So, I’m at war with myself. I go there because I enjoy hanging out and getting all buzzed up with him, and I don’t want to not be there when other women stop by, but I hate myself every morning. I need to get out of this self-destroying relationship but I can’t seem to move. I’ve tried breaking up with him before and can’t stay away for more than a few days. I feel so alone and isolated when we break up. How can I get this man out of my system and move on with my life toward a healthier relationship with myself and hopefully with someone else in the future?

September 8, 2005
4:45 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi Dorian,

Welcome to the site. Good to have you. First thing: Listen to your gut, your intuition, SEE the red flags. Everything in your post says that you are very near to slipping over the edge into oblivion.

Get yourself to a CODA meeting or an Al-anon meeting if you can. Are you seeing a counselor? Get any type of support that you can to help you get some internal clarity on your situation.

It is natural to find comfort in anything that is familiar. Sometimes familiar is not a healthy environment for us, though. If you continue this pattern, your life has the potential to detiorate--ask yourself if it is worth it? Is it worth losing your job? Your good standing?

You seem like a level-headed person. I am sure that you love and care for this person--but it is the behavior that concerns me. I am no expert that is for sure--but I am very familiar with the destruction of unhealthy relationships. Letting go is a lot like withdrawal. It is very difficult, if that is what you choose to do, you will need tons of support.

I hope this makes sense, please know that you are in a good place here, this is a wonderful resource.

Hugs to you--2b

September 8, 2005
5:06 pm
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Anonymous
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I wonder if you put alot of stress on yourself during the day to be "perfect" and hanging with him in his dump and just relaxing is your way out - your way to relax - to not have to live with responsibility and pressure/stress.

Maybe this is how it started - a cool place to unwind with some cool people - but then when the other women started coming over - insecurity and trust issues reared their ugly heads.

the bottom line is - you figured out the problem, you see the problem - now time to find the solution.

therapy or a 12 step meeting is a great start - CODA, Al-anon - even AA - cuz altho you don't drink ALL the time - you do use alcohol for a fix - to unwind - we all have our "crutch".

I think jealousy of the other women is what you go back for - to make sure he isn't with anyone else - but you don't seem to mention him doing things WITH YOU - on your terms, your side of the tracks...take a hard look at what he brings to the relationship, then decide if he is really worth keeping around or even worth being jealous for.

good luck to you - you took a good first step.

September 8, 2005
5:24 pm
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tiffeytiff
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I to was in a similar situation but without the alcohol. I loved my man more than I loved myself. Well 10 months later we arn't together and he ended up going to prison (because drugs and alcohol). Not because of me though. I'm now $2000 in debt and almost ruined my college education for nothing. If you can please get out a.s.a.p. DO IT! You will get trapped in and feel that you can't leave. Go to support groups and always have faith in yourself. You can leave if you truly want to.
tiffany

September 8, 2005
5:42 pm
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Dorian
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Thank you sooo much to the 3 of you that replied to me. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this (no, I'm not in any counseling.... I know I probably should look into it).

It feels good to be able to talk to someone about this and hear such constructive feedback.

I know that I need to get out of this relationship. I just feel so alone and isolated when I finally make the move. I've done it several times, but keep going back. Why am I so scared to be alone? I hate that feeling. I should be a strong confident woman. Instead I'm a weak afraid insecure little girl.

Dorian

September 8, 2005
5:51 pm
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Anonymous
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how about this suggestion -

first of all, don't end it - not yet.

get to a support group - they are everywhere - or find a private therapist - this will help you build your strength and esteem and help you realize this is the right thing and have the strength to make it happen.

also

find some hobbies - crafts, sports, health club, whatever - find some things to do on your own time - to make friends, have something to do other than sit around being lazy and drinking - will help take your mind off of him, will help build your sense of "self" and worth, and will give you some fun activities you can grow yourself with.

THEN get rid of him.

chances are - things will die their own death on their own - but right now you are feeding his ego - you go to him, you give him all the attention - he is loving it. I am willing to bet you buy him things, bring food, or what have you - stop that and watch how he behaves!

since the biggest fear is being alone - get involved in support groups, or volunteer organizations, go back to school for more training, take local craft classes, art classes, go to the gym - get out and meet people - it will help you fill the loneliness.

September 8, 2005
8:32 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Dorian,

Letting go of someone with whom we got attached/addicted to is very difficult. I've been thru this, that's why I understand and sympathize with you.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to develop your spirituality.

Here are some excellent books I can suggest to you:

- The lady, her lover and her Lord, by: T D Jakes. Excellent book written for women and how special and precious they are and the dynamism of their life.

- Codependent no more, by: Melody Beattie which I am reading right now which shows me why we get addicted to unhealthy people and how to let go. I really like this book and knew about it from this lovely site.

- Attend any coda meetings, 12 step program in your area. Just log on http://www.coda.org and find meeting that is closest to your area. They also have online meetings.

Keep posting and reading here. Wishing you all the best!

~Love, RAS~

September 8, 2005
8:48 pm
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HOLLY BERRY
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I'm new too! I just found the site today. I also am having a relationship (outside of marraige) with a guy whom I have loved on & off for over 25 years. He is 43, I am 51. The sex is incredible, but I still do not feel fulfilled when I leave him. He lives in a cruddy place, is an ex-crack addict, fully recovered after loosing his beautiful wife, daughter, career, and financial status. He still satisfies my need for something, though I am not sure what.... I am also educated, had a very good childhood, but have been fighting (family history) depression all my life, from age 8. We drink because it makes us feel better temporarily - I am one of the ones who do it.....HB

September 8, 2005
8:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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Getting involved in something that brings you spiritual gratification is the key. I don't mean church (although it could be if you were so inclined). Something that fires you up, and makes you passionate and happy inside. Taking classes as suggested above is a great idea. Music and art can nourish the soul. If you're afraid to break away and make a life, try making a life and then break away.

September 9, 2005
10:01 am
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2bstrong
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Hi Dorian--just checking in--how are you today?

Lot's of good thoughts within the posts above.

Rasputin gave you some great reading resources. I attended a couple of CODA meetings in my town, but I did not feel good when I left. A friend suggested that I try an Al-anon meeting, and I must say, I found a good one. Going to those meetings is such a help to me. It works a 12 step program, and the focus is on me--not the ex or anyone else. It makes me focus on what I need to be healthy in relationships.

hugs--2b

September 9, 2005
1:10 pm
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Dorian
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I appreciate all of the great feedback that everyone is giving me. I've read quite a few self-help books (since this has been going on for over 3 years), so I know what I "should" be doing, but actually doing it is another thing. I've actually read Codependent No More about 3 times.

When I've tried to "break free" in the past, It'll last for a week or maybe even two. And all the time, I'm feeling so proud of myself, feeling stronger, healthier, doing things I should, etc. and then just out of the blue, WHAM!!! I'll have a week moment, I'll get scaired, my inner voice will tell me I can't be alone, etc. and I'll call him up sobbing, telling him how much I miss him and we get back together. It's crazy! I wish I could turn it off!!

September 9, 2005
1:14 pm
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Anonymous
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can you get to a CODA meeting? so you can call your sponsor when you feel weak instead? or a therapist?

in the end, when we feel weak, we only want someone to hold our hands and be there for us - perhaps you need to find someone new to hold your hand with you - to hold tight until the feeling passes.

just a thought.

September 9, 2005
1:28 pm
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notsoperki
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Dorian,
in your younger years i.e high school did you ever do things you weren't supposed to (drink, smoke, drugs, steal) that the other kids did?! Those things were what the "COOL" kids did. I was always to scared to do those sort of things so in my last relationship I acted on them. I drank to much I picked up smoking cigs. What's funny is I am college educated I own my own place..but for some reason I found myself to be "cool" doing all that when i know deep down it wasn't. I was able to stop on a dime from smoking and drinking. What i realized was doing all that and hanging with that guy made me feel like part of the gang that I never was in high school. Don't get stuck in that trap.

But now i realize the only time those things are cool is in high school because you look at people like that now and realize how dumb they look getting drunk or high all the time and wasting their money.

September 9, 2005
1:29 pm
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kathygy
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If you can't stay away from a highly destructuve relationship on your own you need to get some help. You can build a support network through 12-step meetings but it sounds like you need more. I highly suggest you find a good therapist to help get out of this destructive situation.

If being with a man is causing you to drink too much that's reason enough to end the relationship. Take care of yourself and get some help asp. Keep us informed of your progress.

love,
kathy

September 9, 2005
1:33 pm
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LovesPurple2760
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2b - Thank you for saying that about the CODA meetings. I tried going and too didn't like the fact it made me think/focus more on the ex and our relationship. Others may not have had that problem but I did. I might go back and try the Alanon route. I know I'm codependent overall and believe it stems from being raised in an alcoholic home so the Alanon may actually be the better place.

Again, thanks!

September 9, 2005
1:42 pm
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kathygy
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If you were raised in an alcoholic home I think the best meetings for you are adult children of alcoholics. I attended these meetings for a very, very long time and found them extremely healing and helpful.

Good luck,

love,
kathy

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