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I constantly say the wrong thing.
May 29, 2012
6:44 pm
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Wimbs
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Hello there,

I'm brand new on this site and been struggling with a certain aspect of my personality that I'm not proud of. I can't relax when I'm around people and constantly worry about if I say anything wrong to the wrong person at the wrong time. I always 'clutter' or 'stumble' when I speak and I leave people confused because I don't know what to say. It also doesn't help when there is an awkward moment of silence when my mouth decides to say something that might be offensive to people without even realizing it.

 

Take yesterday for example. Every year my youth group goes to a nearby theme park to celebrate the end of the year. Since I live out of town from my church, I am not close to anybody in my youth group. When I do get to hang out with them (which isn't much) I always end up being the silent one who just listens to everyone sharing past stories with each other. It's like being the only one who doesn't get a joke that everyone else finds hilarious. It's such a lonely, awkward feeling and I can't handle it anymore. Not to mention that this youth group likes to playfully jab at each other. They can say anything to each other that can be considered 'rude' without being rude. I can say the exact same thing and only receive dirty looks. So yesterday, I went with them to the theme park and our youth leader was getting ready to set the van up. He had a weird hairstyle and I said, "That hair has got to change. That style is not working for him." The group laughed, but immediately I felt wrong. Then I looked at them and received weird looks. I been with this youth group for over three years and still can't figure them out.

 

I don't. get. what I'm doing wrong.

 

The other issue is I don't think about what I say. I don't even know what I'm saying until I hear myself say it. So I end up saying something really rude or un-focused without even realizing it. Or worse. Realizing it right after I say it and make it even more awkward when I try to apologize and 'clutter' up my words. Most of the social conversations I take part in end up in awkward silence.

 

What should I do? Everyone that I try talking to about it just tell me not talk at all. But every time I try, people stare at me like they're expecting me to talk. Then when I don't they loose interest in me. I don't want to be a rude person, but I don't want to be boring either. I heard that being boring is better than being rude, but either way you are alone.

 

I'm tired of being alone, but I'm terrified when I'm around people.

 

I could write more, but I don't want to be complain-y or self centered so I'll just leave off with this question.

How do you learn what to say and when to say it?

Thank you for you're time,

~Wimbs

May 30, 2012
3:27 am
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ShiningLight
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Wimbs,

 

There are 2 types of person: tactful and tactless. And I guess you just belong to tactless group BUT I don't see that as a very negative trait. Maybe you are just very outspoken as you are saying what you exactly think not considering if it can be offensive or not. This is my advice for you: Practice to be mindful enough on what you are saying towards another person. Words once spoken cannot be taken back so always think and analyze before you speak out. Remember that we are all created unique and we all have different personalities. Some may just ignore what you say but some may also get hurt of what you will say so be careful. Think positively and try to see the good in others.

May 30, 2012
3:55 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I think I know what you are like & its not your fault at all.  You are probably a very honest person right?  In groups of people you must be careful not to say what you think directly about one person because people misunderstand that your intentions were not rude.  Do you ever watch the Big Bang Theory?  There is a character on it and his name is Sheldon Cooper.  He is very smart academically, much smarter than the average person, but he lacks social skills and often does not know how to behave or react in simple social interactions.  The producer no doubt created his character to be that naive so that he would be hysterically funny & he is.  He also says the wrong things at times or simply needs some help with the human interaction thingy.  I dont think you should stop being honest, but find a way to do so in a language that will not hurt others, and remember that many thoughts you can think in your mind without saying them out loud.  The part about the bad haircut was not necessary.  Another person's haircut is really not your business to comment on.  The golden rule I have is if its not something complimentary, don't say it unless it is something that if not said will harm you or another person.  Or if you are directly asked for an opinion.  Remember choose your words with care & consideration of all those who are going to hear them.

 

One Day

May 30, 2012
7:51 am
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Wimbs
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To ShiningLight and onedaythiswillpass:

 

I never been described as tactless before, but maybe you're right. Sometimes after I say something, even I don't agree with it.

Oh yes, I am really honest. Sometimes I find myself saying something that everyone else is thinking, which can receive a laugh, but most of the time it's a hit and miss situation. I've only seen the Big Bang Theory a few times but I know who you're talking about. I actually like the character Sheldon for his intelligence. He's socially awkward, but at least he's not superficial. I been telling myself the same thing when I'm awkward. I realized the hair comment was really rude though the minute I said it, and I don't even know why I said it. It's like my mouth is disconnected from my brain and decides to say something before my mind says "No. Don't say that."

 

I'll try to stay positive about people, and maybe silence is golden for my situation... I have tried that before. I just don't like the loneliness it brings. Maybe I haven't tried long enough? I don't know, but I'll try again. 🙂 Thank you for the advice. I'll post my progress on here.

 

But I have one more question. Sometimes my anxiety is misguided.  If I'm with a friend or a family member I always apologize if I think I'm being rude and they become confused because apparently I wasn't rude at all. Or a friend witnesses me talking to someone, I resist the urge to ask that friend if they thought I was okay during my conversation. It's another big problem for me that's kinda related to this situation from my original post. What should I do when I get anxious like that? It does happen a lot.

 

Thanks again for the advice,

~Wimbs

May 30, 2012
8:59 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Wimbs!  You are very sweet and unknowingly very funny!  When you have a conversation with family or friends don't ask them if you were o.k. with your words.  Just try to follow the advice you got previously.  If you are scared that your mouth will blurt out things that you actually do not mean to say, preface your conversation with:  Please don't take offence but sometimes my mouth does not process the correct thoughts in my brain in sync with what I actually say.  Or ask to be forgiven if you speak slowly as you need extra time to really think before you speak.

 

One Day

May 31, 2012
12:19 am
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ShiningLight
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Wimbs,

 

Oneday has a very good point. Just be yourself and everything will be fine. Just don't forget the previous advices given to you regarding your very outspoken trait. You will overcome that soon. Good luck!

May 31, 2012
12:46 pm
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Wimbs
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Well, alright-y. 🙂 I'll do my best then. Thanks again for the advice you guys.

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