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I Can't work him out
March 19, 2006
7:50 am
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wallace
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Hi everyone. Please can anyone help me on this one. I've been dating a guy for 18 months now. I have never felt we were a couple though. I had a think about it, and it is because he doesn't tell his friends about me, I have never met or been out with them, whenever I try to hold his hand, he pulls it away and pretends to scratch his head or something. Whe I try to get intimate with him, sometimes he responds, other times he folds his arms and crosses his legs and pretends to watch TV. So I asked him about it. He said he wasn't aware he was doing all this. He said he was being himself. He has recently come out of a long relationship, she left him. So I asked him if this relationship just wasn't right for him just now or was he still affected by his previous relationship. He said that neither of these were the case. I asked him how he felt about me. He said he liked having me in his life. I was hoping he would tell me he loved me, but he didn't. I know I love him, but this is proving painful and frustrating and I don't know what to do about it. Any ideas or advice?

March 19, 2006
9:03 am
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LotusTampa
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Hi wallace.

What does your gut tell you?

I can tell you what I think based on what you've told me: He enjoys your company but it doesn't doesn't sound like he wants a "real" relationship with you.

Sorry, ouch, I'm sure you didn't like reading that.

Believe me, I wasted 9 months of my life with a guy who never wanted a relationship with me...not the same kind I wanted, anyway.

If you really want to see where this guy stands (although I think you already know), pull back a bit, don't make any advances toward him, treat him as a friend (as he treats you) and see what happens.

I know it's REALLY hard, especially when we care about someone so much. Or, if you find that this is a dead-end situation, I suggest moving on.

I hope that helped...

Lotus

March 19, 2006
11:57 am
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needwings
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Just as Lotus said trust your gut feelings, do you feel that he is emotionally detached?

Do not waste time caring for someone who does not return the feelings. Existing in a relationship is not healthy. Please take a long hard look at what you have and ask yourself why you would settle for nothing?

Make a firm decision about the relationsip and follow through. My advice would be to run not walk, this is based on personal experience. I wish you luck, but please make a list of what you value in a relationship, then mark off what you have with him.. this might help you make the final decision.

Needwings

March 19, 2006
2:04 pm
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wallace
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Thankyou LotusTampa & needwings for your responses. I want him to show me more affection. I didn't say before, but he said that for me not to know how he's feeling is good, because it keeps me guessing. Then I thought that maybe this is deliberate to try to keep me interested. My gut feel is that I am special to him & he cares for me, but that he cares more for himself. I also think he is emotionally wounded. I need advice on how to help him to heal. I want to set up home with this guy some time in the future. He's the one.

March 19, 2006
2:28 pm
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Anonymous
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Wallace, I've been married 14 yrs and got very little affection (let's not even discuss sex). Some guys have problems even the CIA won't find out. I thought all the sweet cards he gave me were a showing of affection and that I were very special to him but then the cards were shop made.

Give him some time and I think he'll end up moving on. I think its best tobe prepared. You are suffering one way or anther.

(((IMHO)))

March 19, 2006
5:08 pm
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chickyfighter
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Wallace, after reading your post, I can sense the confusion and the need to know what is going on w/in him.

First of all ALWAYS the answers are w/in you, the problem is we often have a hard time acting on these b/c it's painful to let go somtimes.

You also state that he was recently in a relationship where his ex left him...ouch, but it sounds like you may be the one he used as rebound.

Third, all the signs are there he doesn't introduce you to his friends (I am not sure that you stated how long you 2 have been together now).

He won't hold your hand, come one how low can we go, it sounds like this whole thing is way off bal;ance and no healthy outcome can come unless there is balance.

...He won't even acknowledge your concerns!!

Honey, cut your looses and move on, you have to believe you deserve better!

March 19, 2006
5:30 pm
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Wallace,

Aw, that is painful. But to put it simply, you deserve reciprocation of all that you are giving. And it doesn't seem like he is the one to give it to you. The beginnings of a relationship (not always) but often are the most passionate, with frequent public displays of affection. You are right to be concerned about him being so distant.

You can't demand that someone feel a thing that they don't feel, and affection should not be something that you have to demand from him anyway. I know you probably find so many things in him that you feel attached to, and admire and that this is why his is in your life in the first place. This is hard, but sometimes men in our lives make better friends than lovers- unfortunately, it's hard to reverse the development of such a relationship without pain.

hugs,
ella

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