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I can't take this anymore...is it worth it?
April 10, 2009
1:43 pm
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sooverthis
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Hi,
I'm new to this board, and am hoping I can get some insight, and maybe some commiseration.

I've been with my boyfriend (the alcoholic) for about 4 years. He was using when started dating, and after my convincing went to rehab about 1 year and a half after we first got together. He's pretty much been sober (with a few slips) for the past 2.5 years, and has just recently become very involved with AA.

You would think things would start getting better, but really, I am so unhappy. I am a classic co-dependent, and our biggest issue is trust. I can't trust him AT ALL. When he was using he emotionally cheated on me (which is far worse), and has lied to me so many times about using, girls, etc, that the trust is so totally obliterated. I don't even understand where/how I'm supposed to start blindly trusting him?!?!

Just because he's in AA doesn't mean all is right in the world. He's still secretive...and he's hanging out until 11:30 pm with people from AA now. Girls?

I feel insane. I never wanted to be this girl. I know I should go to Al-Anon, but I am SO angry...HE is the one with the problem!

I am almost ready to say goodbye to him, but I know my problems aren't going to just magically go away when he does.

I am so broken right now...I'm so tired of trying, I'm tired of talking about it. I don't want to have the 48451135th state of the union with him.

The shitty thing is--I know why I'm like this, I know what I should do, but I am just so angry and sad, and hurt and confused.

AH! I know you guys have been here...any words of wisdom?

April 10, 2009
2:14 pm
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CAMER
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i was with an alcoholic in the past, he went thru ups and down, drinking every 3 months, then went to AA for a while, went bakc to the drinking...we went thru a rollercoaster relationship, ups and down for over 3 years, i ended up cheating on him (bad on my part) I think i was just looking for love thinking my bf loved his booze more than me, and had sexual contact, i cheated, he found out...things went awful from there. The relationhip did end.

I think you have to decide if this is what you want?? i don't think it is, but you are not ready to end it...why?? do you feel lonlieness and emptiness within???

keep talking & posting & know you are not alone!

(((camer)))

April 10, 2009
2:37 pm
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sooverthis
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Thank you for the reply CAMER.

It's hard, because while I don't want to be in this situation anymore, I am in love with this person, and we've put so much time and effort into this relationship already, it seems like such a waste to just give up.

For me, it would be easier to break up--I am fine by myself (of course after the inital heartbreak). When I am single, it feels like my problems are all gone...it's great. But...

The problems I have, the co-dependency, will only come back in the next relationship...ya know? To be happy, I have to be single? That doesn't make sense.

I need to work on myself...badly. I would say that my boyfriend and I should separate while we both work on ourselves, but that might do more harm than good if other people get in the way.

It's an endless cycle!

April 10, 2009
2:46 pm
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CAMER
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well, i have heard that people in AA who are trying to sober up and in relationships...it sometimes doesn't work.....with that, I have heard alot in the past with my last bf that he should be "single" and main focus is on getting sober...and go for the one year sobriety, which i hear is damn hard, but can be done with some....my bf never made it for a year, not even close, maybe 3 months.

Yes, its true, you need to work on you and he needs to work on him.

Can you maybe cut back the time you see eachother, say to only 2x a week...and try to build back the trust and other issues you want back into the relationship?

April 10, 2009
3:02 pm
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sooverthis
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Well, this is hard, because we live together. We kind of have to see each other.

I wish that we would have taken some time when he came out of rehab...so that I know he can live on his own, and be a responsible, functioning human being on his own. But I feel like it's too late for that! Now we've pretty much built a home together.

It's basically like we're married, without the ring or the committment.

April 10, 2009
3:13 pm
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CAMER
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AHHHHHHHHHHH, now i see.

I guess the question you want to ask yourself is...do you see this relationship working, if hes going to AA and you working your program...without either one of you getting into eachothers way of recovery/getting healthier.

And, can you honestly trust this guy?? you mentioned about him staying out late, and possible AA gals he could be hanging out with.

Basically, is this all worth it for you??

April 10, 2009
3:23 pm
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razor
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Hi sooverthis,

I know what you mean about why should you be the one to go to alanon when he is the sick one? I felt the very same way when I first started going. I was extrememly angry and I thought I should be home resting and watching tv. But I learned pretty quick that it was the best thing I could have done for myself and I no longer look at it as a chore to attend meetings. I no longer live with the alcoholic but I won't give up my meetings.

Hi Camer, you are such a caring person,you are usually the first to respond to newcomers. Give yourself a pat on the back.

April 10, 2009
3:27 pm
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CAMER
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((thanks Razor))!! it means alot....

And yes Sooverthis, I myself, started
attending Coda meetings, and AA meeting when my alcoholic bf was doing his drinking...I needed the meetings for me and they helped sooo much.

With your "name" also (sooverthis) you really have to decide if this is what you want, or are you really over this??? Denial plays alot into the codependency thing, just be true to yourself and your feelings and your wants and needs. And keep posting!

April 10, 2009
4:28 pm
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atalose
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sooverthis,

Not to sound harsh but you entered into a relationship with a known alcoholic (very codie behavior) then he does get sober and you are then left with the person he really is, not the active alcoholic you first met and fell in love with. That’s like starting a whole new relationship. And you start that new relationship with lack of trust (more codie behavior).

It seems the whole focus has been on his drinking, him getting sober in order for to have the happy life you seek. As if him becoming sober solves all the problems, that’s not reality.

4 years is not a lot of investment to gage the rest of your life on. What I have found is if you can’t love the person you are with for exactly who they are today then you have no business being in that relationship.

I think you know what you want, to move on but are in fear and that fear is keeping you stuck, stuck to someone you don’t and probably never will trust.

I’d get myself into ala-non and work my codependency issues in order to break the cycle that continues to bring me un-happiness.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 10, 2009
5:02 pm
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sooverthis
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Thank you so much CAMER and Razor! It helps SO much to know that other people have been in my situation.

I do feel that I am in some sort of denial. I don't know what it's for though...because I know I'm co-dependent, I know I need to go to al-anon...

Maybe I am in denial about the relationship? I don't know. All I know is that these same issues will show up with the next guy I date, too.

I am just realizing I think why I've been cheated on by every guy I've ever dated. I'm sure my crazy co-dependent ways showed up...I don't know.

I sound crazy, but really, is it that hard to find a guy who loves you for you, and doesn't want any other girls? It is impossible to find a guy that will look at you and only you when you're out on a date? Is it possible to find a guy who doesn't get a boner every time a pretty girl make conversation?!

UGH!

April 10, 2009
5:04 pm
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sooverthis
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atalose--thank you for being brutally honest, I like that.

And I think you're right.

I do love him for who he is, I just don't know if I can ever trust that person, and a relationship without trust is no relationship at all.

April 10, 2009
8:20 pm
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penny lane
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Sooverthis...

I have been in your shoes...lived with the man..worked with the man..loved the man...for 4 years..entering this relationship I never was exposed to an alcholic..so ..I just thought he liked to party...with a group of friends ...influencial friends..who partied like him.. when it began to dawn on me that he had a major problem...he told me to go to Ala non..well I did...and all I saw were spouses and mates complaining about the behavior and troubles they had. I came home..and told him to quit or I was leaving...I told him his alcholism is his problem..not mine..and unless he stops drinking and gets help..I am out of here. Of course he didnt..so I left ...and told him not to have any communication with me unless he stopped drinking and then add an additional 6 months on to that....

He did stop drinking...I went to AA meetings with him..suppported him...but never returned to the relationship...we are friends today..he is like my brother..but I learned that even though they stop drinking..the work begins..because emotionally and phsycologically..they are immature and stunted..and it takes work and time to catch up...

My advice..dont waste anymore of your time..move on...and dont look back...

April 10, 2009
9:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Everyone just thinks it's so easy, but it's not! Admit it...if you were all faced with the same situation again, you wouldn't feel so easy going then, would ya? Nope! It's easy to feel alright and okay when ya don't any longer have the same shit clogging up your lives, that other people here are talking about! But then...when someone else comes along to fuck up that easy going smooth feeling for ya, then you're right back where ya started!

So, don't go trying to fool yourselves!

April 10, 2009
9:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Look, I'm not in the best mood, right now, so excuse my need to vent some anger and frustration out there! (AbovRight now, I just feel like telling everyone to go to fuck! I'm just ripe and hell in the mood to lash out at people, right now! I just wanted to vent it somewhere, and since I'm here on this site right now I'm sick of keeping it pent up!

I'm just rather uncertain about some scattered things, and am sorta blaming myself for things, today/tonight!

So, either disregard the above vent from me, or do whatever you choose to do with it!

April 10, 2009
9:41 pm
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_anonymous
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sooverthis- My X husband is an alcoholic. The biggest favor I did for him and myself was to get him out of my life and leave his recovery up to him. On that note I went on with my life.

As far as sober is concerned either they are or they are not. Its not a grey area.

As far as you observation of AA is concerned it sounds about right to me. That is all I ever here. People going to those meetings and hooking up. Just cause someone isnt drinking and goes to AA doesnt mean they all of a sudden have morals and values that they never had before.

With alcoholics its all about them the same thing with alcoholics in recovery. That part about them doesnt change. Some replace the drinking buddies with the AA buddies. They still have an addictive personality. They still live in denial and are into hiding behind anyone and anything. But anything is better then them picking up another drink.

It is codependent to think that just because someone quits drinking, gets a job, goes to school that it will somehow make the codependents life better. WRONG! The only thing that will make a codependents life better is if they let go of a realtionship, and work on themself. No matter what anyone does for themselves it will NEVER benefit you. You cant become happy by proxy.

April 11, 2009
12:31 am
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veggiemom
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Go to Al-anon. It is typical to have that "HE'S the one with the problem..why should I go?" feeling....but go and keep going and eventually you will see why you belong there.

April 11, 2009
2:18 pm
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sooverthis
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Thank you everyone for all of your advice, I truly appreciate it.

I am definitely gonna start going to Al-Anon.

My boyfriend and I are still deciding what to do about the relationship. I think it's an all or nothing thing. We either need to support each other and work on ourselves and our relationship, or break up.

I think our relationship is worth savings, but I am also listening to advice on here...and people who have been in the same situation are saying that it might be better to just move on...I don't know!

I am going to a meeting tomorrow, and I will go from there.

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