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I can't say hello
September 18, 2001
7:51 pm
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silence
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September 24, 2010
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Hola. I've been away from the board for a while. School just started up in full swing again. And I am still a stupid jerk.

I guess I should start off by refreshing on some background info. I'm 25, but I haven't dated anybody since I was 18. Back then I had a lot of girlfriends from group therapy. Unfortunately, you can only go on so many dates with messed up girls before you eventually get tired of playing the whole dating game. So, when I turned 18 I shut myself off from the world and tried to concentrate on getting my life back together. I swore that I wouldn't date again until I knew the my life was stable and that I was ready for it.

Up comes my 21st birthday. I was no closer to finding myself, but I was getting really lonely and horny. So I decided that I might try dating again. Problem was that I was so successful in shutting myself off from society that I just can't talk to girls I don't know. I also gained about 50 extra pounds which made me a whole lot less attractive to the opposite sex. So now I'm 25 and still lonely and looking for someone in my life.

As I stated in the beginning, I just started school. As usual I've mentally checked a few girls in my classes that I think could be potential girlfriends. I can't talk to them though. The word, "hello" just won't come to me. All I do is sit by myself and watch them from a distance. None of this is really new for me though. I've been doing this since I started college 6 years ago (don't ask.)

My real dilemma is a girl in my tue/thurs class. I think she has a class beforehand and is always sitting outside for about 2 hours because she doesn't have anything in-between classes. I always show up for class about an hour early... it's a strange habit of mine. So, for the first 2 weeks of class I would just watch her outside of class and wonder about her. She's fairly attractive, not too out-going... a little like me I guess, though not as much of a loner.

She also sits in front of me, but off to the side in the lecture hall. So all during class I end up watching her instead of the teacher. Sometimes during class. or out in the hallway beforehand, she will occasionally give me a glance. There might be some interest there, but I have no idea.

Last week I decided that I had to just screw it all and just say "hello." Nothing was going to stop me... I had to do it no matter what. That was tuesday. Right before I left for school, the WTC got divebombed. Crap. I went to school. She was there sitting alone. I should have gone up to her, I should have said hello. I didn't do a damn thing. My mind was miles away.

I cursed myself that night for not saying anything to her. Thursday came and I was absolutely determined to break the ice. I practiced saying "hello" all the way from the parking garage to the building my class was in. I opened the door, turned the corridor, and there she was sitting on a couch. chatting it up with another girl. It's hard enough for me to apporach one girl, but to do it in front of one of her friends... impossible. I'm just too shy.

I moped around all weekend, I fantasize about her constantly. I'm becoming obsessed with just trying to make conversation. It's been a while since I've thought this much about one girl.

Finally today came. Again I practiced "hello" all the way to the building. I pricked myself with a pencil as an oath to myself that I would talk to her today no matter what. I get inside, and she's chatting with the same girl again. I chicken out. I sit by myself for an hour and listen to them talk about theor old friends from high school.

In class something else happened. She sat next to me during the lecture. I wanted to say something to her afterwards, but she shot out of the room like a bullet as soon as class was over. I'm so damn frustrated with myself over this. I hate being this shy, but I don't know how to beat it either.

September 19, 2001
10:45 am
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pill
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September 30, 2010
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Take a deep breath and smile at her. Slow it down... give yourself a break. Good luck!

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