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i cant let him go....
May 30, 2005
3:34 am
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rumba
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My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago.

We are only young, 21, and he wants to go out and have fun for a while without having a relationship. We were together for 3 and half years.

I miss him so much. I love him.
It has been so hard for me. I have been feeling so anxious, and not sleeping very well.

He wants to be 'friends' but I dont think it is going to be that easy for me.
Each time I see him, i want him so bad!
Is it possible to be friends with someone you have been through so much with?

He was so good to me. We never fought. I dont think I can let him go like this!

We have the same group of friends.
He also has a group of guy friends who he likes to go out with on weekends. I worry about him so much. These guys drink, waste all their money on crap, and I think my boy is too good for this.

On Friday he went out, and he got REALLY drunk. Maybe it was his way of dealing?
On Saturday I saw him at a friends birthday party. He has been acting so cold towards me, I think because he thinks it will make it easier.

I dont know what to do. Everyone keeps telling me different things.
One lady told me not to listen to anyone else because the only person who can help me get through this, is me.

I am the one getting left behind. I dont have many people who I can go out with.

This sucks!

May 30, 2005
4:51 am
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rumba
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after all that....

He just sent me a message to my mobile phone.

"Hi. I just thought I had better tell you this. I am not in love with you anymore. I thought that if you knew that, it might help you to get over me."

can someones feelings change just like that. He told me he loved me not that long ago.

I dont know why I am bothering anymore.

I replied saying that I hope he realises how much he is hurting me and that I dont think he knows what he wants. I said that I dont think the party life he wants will be that great. And that he is well on the way to losing his best friend....

May 30, 2005
5:09 am
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rumba

So sorry : (

You have just gone through one of the most painful experiences known to man...and right now, you are in the early processes of trying to make sense of it all. Of course you miss your guy, and this makes it so much harder to deal with.

He has obviously decided that your three year + relationship has run it's course, and wants to move on. The truth of this really stings, I know.

But at the moment you are in the shock and denial stage of the grieving which you will need to go through over this break-up.

People can love in different ways, and they can sometimes easily fall out of love too - which is really hard on the other person - because they don't understand why their partner has had a change of heart.

Read the 'no - contact' thread. You will find that it will be for the best if you do not send any more texts or e-mails to him regarding your hurt feelings right now...

I know how you must be feeling...but you will be able to make sense of this, in time forgive him, and move on yourself...

For now though, try not to send angry messages to him - he has already made up his mind..

I have to admit though, his blunt txt message says alot about his character and his lack of empathy towards your situation. In response to this - maintain a dinified silence, - he will have more respect for you, and ultimately you will have more respect for yorself.

So hold your head up high. Grieve, rage, vent and cry....ask family and friends to help you through, read books or articles on the internet about 'how to get over a breakup' (there are things you can do, to help with the healing process), and know that you will be a stronger person after this, and you will find love again...

~love charlie~

May 30, 2005
5:13 am
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That was supposed to read 'dignified silence' - and by that I meant - let him regret losing you, let him see what a wonderful person he let slip through his fingers...

: )

~love charlie~

May 30, 2005
8:40 am
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InPainZHT
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Although I am the one that walked out, after a week and a half of watching real turmoil on her end (she's destroying herself slowly with drama, drugs, irresponsible behavior and so forth), suddenly she takes this guy in and he's been there ever since... and what's odd is that while before I was content with my decision felt very little sting, NOW I feel a sting. Go read my thread about "feeling dirty".

No matter how you slice it up, break ups are hard for healthy as well as unhealthy people; with me I have found that it's the loss of the sense of control as well as the difficulty I seem to have accepting that people will not always act in thier or thier children's best interest, and will often make very self-destructive choices in thier lives. DETATCHMENT is a wonderful but very difficult practice to learn if you are not accustomed to it. I have been SLOWLY learning it over the course of many months.

InPain

May 30, 2005
9:04 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hey rumba, honey, I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. I may be over-generalizing here, but most guys are not mentally or emotionally ready to settle down into a committed relationship until their late 20s. They seem to prefer "running in packs" with their friends until then.

You've written:

"We have the same group of friends. He also has a group of guy friends who he likes to go out with on weekends. I worry about him so much. These guys drink, waste all their money on crap, and I think my boy is too good for this".

You also mentioned that you haven't had a disagreement in 3 1/2 years? I'm wondering if he was being honest with you during that time, or instead covered up his true feelings.

My daughter, who is almost 20, began a relationship with a guy who was the same age as her. He had a tendency to always have one of his friends along wherever they went, which drove her nuts. Being the strong-willed person that she is, she put her foot down and gave him an ultimatum. He chose his friends and "freedom". My daughter was heartbroken, but I mentioned to her that no contact seemed to help healing the best (thanks to all of you here). Amazingly, she listened and did not call, txt message, drive by or whine to any of their friends. Instead, she went out with her own friends, male and female, though she still didn't want to date anyone else. She lost weight and started tanning and looked great.

Within 3 weeks, her ex bf really started going "down the tubes". He started drinking more, smoked pot (which he never did with my daughter), started speeding, getting into fights and hanging out with "easy" girls who were ready and waiting for him. He looked like h*** and gained about 20 pounds. He found that the type of freedom he wanted led to another type of bondage.

You are not being left behind, you are the more stable one here. And you were good for him, but the deal is that he has to be free to make the choice to be with you. For now, he is choosing to be "free" and you cannot try to manipulate him into coming back, it would not be genuine love.

As charlie mentioned,

So hold your head up high. Grieve, rage, vent and cry....ask family and friends to help you through, read books or articles on the internet about 'how to get over a breakup' (there are things you can do, to help with the healing process), and know that you will be a stronger person after this, and you will find love again...

(((hugs)))

CM

May 31, 2005
3:51 am
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rumba
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thank you everyone for your kind advice.

I am going to print it all out and put it in a book for when I am feeling anxious.

I have decided not to make contact with him for a while.
It is going to be very hard. We live close by, and I work with his mum, so I will always be hearing what he is getting up to.

I miss him so much. I dont want him to be with anyone else.

I will read the No Contact Thread! Thanks

June 2, 2005
9:58 pm
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Brivon
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Rumba i was stringing my ex along because i did not want to close that door and tonight the crap hit the fan he comes over to the house i live in with my roomate who i have been dating and lying to and i had to finally tell him the truth but now i'm really thinking did i do the right thing i know he is nt good for me but i'm so hurt that i led him to believe that we could maybe work it out, not good not good at all.

Brivon

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