Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
i can't... i can't...
February 3, 2000
2:39 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know that I've probably mentioned this before, as it is a reoccuring problem in my life, but it's popped up again and I need some outside opinions. HELP!!!!

I was abused from the age of 11 till i was 17. Now I'm almost 19. My brother physically abused me and my father molested me. My mom knew there were problems going on, but she didn't realize how serious. Anyway, I ran away at 17. Lived away from home for a year, and now am near home again and going to college.
I have had a lot of contact with my family since I've been back. My brother lives 30 minutes away and my mom calls all the time. I never talk to my dad.
The arrangement seems to have been going okay, for the most part. There have been times when things have gotten very messy, though, and I have gotten very hurt. Nobody in my family admits there was ever anything wrong except that I caused a great deal of chaos when I ran away. Basically, they blame me... and often they bring it up and it is evident in how they treat me.
I have tried talking to them, but it hasn't worked. At one point, they were willing to see a counselor but not unless I talked to the counselor first... which for some reason has been a very hard thing for me to do so I haven't been able to do it yet. (why??)
Now a few of my friends have been suggesting to me that I need to cut off contact with my family because they are hurting me so bad. They say I need to make my family choose to accept what happened and live up to it and stop blaming me, or they can't have me in their lives.

I know that what my friends makes sense, and I kinda agree that I shouldn't put up with so much crap, but I just don't know if "excommunicating" them is the right thing to do. I love them and even the thought of removing them from my life tears me apart. But then again I am torn apart anyway.
I wish I knew what to do...

Does anyone have any suggestions?

February 3, 2000
3:27 pm
Avatar
site coordinator
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mnms,

Your story, soooo sadly, and tremendously frustrating as it is, is a common story.

Will your family realize their mistakes, and move toward making ammends? Most of the time, the answer is a clear NO.

Should you bear blame? Certainly not. You have the right to own only your own stuff, and to allow others to own their 'own' stuff.

Should you ex-communicate? Much of the time, there is a compromise somewhere in here. Everyone finds their own compromise. Some people do ex-communicate, as painful and as much of a loss it can be, sometimes it's for the better. Others, stay close to abusers much of their life, swallowing the pain, fighting the voice to speak up. It's really a choice to be deeply considered.

In life, we hope we can find peace, we search, we focus, we believeā€¦can it be?

I have found, that with lots of deep breaths, and allowing some things to remain 'left undone' for others, but as best we can for ourselves, yes, there can be peace.

- SC

February 3, 2000
6:31 pm
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms,

Your story seems to trigger a lot of questions. I am so sorry for you.

Did you leave home because of continued abuse or were there other issues as well?

February 4, 2000
12:09 am
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The first time I left home, it was to end the abuse.

February 4, 2000
1:04 am
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms

It sounds like you feel like you are in a catch 22 with no way out. It's no surprise you feel so torn apart.

You mentioned your parents insisted you see a councilor before they would see someone. That sounds to me like they wanted you to see someone for their sake. With such a long history of abuse, is there some reason you can't see yourself through to talking to someone professionally for yourself?

Do you feel any distinction between what you would like for the sake of your family and what you need for yourself?

February 4, 2000
4:06 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gst,

What is a catch 22?

Before when I mentioned that my parents wanted me to see a counselor, I must've worded things wrong. They wanted me to see THEIR counselor so that I can give that counselor my side of the story. This would've probably been a one time only thing. They said that if I didn't go, then they wouldn't go.
I see my own counselor on a regular basis.

February 4, 2000
5:19 pm
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms,

I'm not sure I know where that term came from and actually don't think it's in the dictionary. Perhaps from a movie - I think it was called Catch-22, not sure though.

I use it to describe situations where you encounter a problem with every way you turn, seemingly no way to access comfort.

What does your councilor say about your giving their councilor your story in your own words?

Do I sense that you feel they are only looking for "ammunition" to gang up on you as the problem, denying that they are the initiators of the problem?

February 4, 2000
5:34 pm
Avatar
ejob
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello MNMS
maby if you wan't to have a relationship with your family you should see their counselor and he'll
have more insight to make things more tolerable for you to spend time with
them
by Ejob

February 4, 2000
8:41 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know why I have such a problem with talking to their counselor. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that their counselor will not believe my side of the story and that I will just get hurt. I don't know. I'm just sick of being hurt, that's all.

February 6, 2000
11:16 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI mnms,
Have you thought about discussing the abuse openly with your family? Is that something you could or would want to do but are afraid or do you not want to discuss it with them?
It seems that you are having to endure all this stuff because they are making you feel as though you did them wrong by leaving home when really you had no choice because they were abusing you and they were wrong. Do you not have conflict because you are cast as the bad guy when really you are the "victim"?
I am not telling you that you should confront them i just wonder what you feel about it
Peace
Hazza

February 6, 2000
12:01 pm
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms,

I feel so badly that you are so troubled by all of this and that it is complicating your world so much.

When I left home it was at 16. The relationship with my family was horrific and I wanted more for myself.

I took off with a girlfriend whose parents were moving to Florida. She was able to secure an apartment but we had to sleep in the car for a few weeks before it got settled. We had little, I worked selling shoes to make money and also taught music (I wanted to be a concert pianist) I put myself through a special excellerated school program to finish high school early and get into a college. So I got into college early and graduated.

I tell you all of this because I did it without the aid of counciling - I was too little in the common sense department, and despite all of the heroistic attemptes to "save my life" it only wound up getting me in the end becasue empotioally, I simply couldn't handle it.

So it failed. Now,if I'd had the common sense I would first look to counciling and especially meds to calm me down and help find what I needed with a clear head before trying to unravel the rest.

What has your councilor said about this? Your luck you are one step ahaed of me.

February 6, 2000
4:10 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've already "confronted" them, and doing it again seems useless. I feel as if I am the problem. In November, I openly discussed the abuse with all of them for the first time and they continued to deny it. My dad would admit to saying things like, "maybe I did accidentally touch you", but believe me... there is little way in which the way he touched me was accidental. And then later in the dicussion he got really mad and said that he had never done anything, so it was obvious he was lying... at least to me. Nothing really came out of the confrontation other than I got a lot out that I needed to say. We discussed the idea of counselig then--I was already seeing my own counselor, but they weren't--and they agreed to see a counselor only if I spoke to him first. I just do not feel comfortable about doing that, and it has been 4 months since my parents and I made that agreement so it seems useless now anyway... I kinda feel like anything I do won't change anything that happens.

February 6, 2000
4:19 pm
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Must feel really terrible and alone.

Is this the thing that angers you the most or were there other traumatic events that you can recall?

February 6, 2000
10:43 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you are meaning, other traumatic events having to do with my immediate family, there have been tons. I've had other stuff happen to me to outside of the family, but nothing that significant.

February 7, 2000
5:12 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI mnms.
I think it is great that you have conronted your family, at least you have told them stuff you wanted to say, how they react to it is out of your control, it must have been a shock for your family to bring it out in the open, and it is human nature that they are going to try to protect themselves and keep to the status quo.

You must decide in yourself if you are ready to forgive them, if you want nothing more to do with them or if you want to keep on trying to get them to "see". From my experience, we can only control urselves and our own reactions to things. The power is with you now, you decide how you want to feel about this. If you say to yourself I can only get on with my future if they understand this or that, then your are giving them the power to decide how you go about your life. You need to make your decisions based on how you feel so that however they react it makes no difference, that way you are free of their control. You decide, shall i try to have relationship with them or not, based on how you feel, not based on how they react, take care of that bit later.
If you decide to continue with them, then you must be prepared that they may never admit to the abuse, whatever you do or say and if you spend all you life making the fact of them admitting it the vital thing then you will spend a long time under their control, you have dont what you can, in time they may be more able to discuss it,
Why not talk to them about family concelling again? but i think that is only worth doing if you genuinely want to heal the hurt, if you just want it all "out in the open " and on record, then that is not the best motive for councelling in my opinion. Your life is yours, if you can handle the fact that they may never admit to the abuse then they can not hurt you anymore, you will have moved on, you will have stood up to them and say "Hey, i know what happened back then and so do you, but okay you want to be in denial, fair enough, we all know the truth, but now I have a future to work on,"
You cant change the past, only your attitude towards it, but you can change your future, don't let them be in control of how you live that future, whatever they admit to or not, you know the truth, now is the time to heal and live your life for you. If they are preventing you healing, then keep away, if getting close to them again would make you happy then try to get to know them again, but don't tell yourself that the only way you can heal is if they acknowledge your abuse, that way they have all the power again.
Whatever you decide my thoughts are with you, you have dont a great thing standing up to your abusor, now you see how weak these people usually are, try to take confort in the fact that you have learned by their example how to be a better person in your life.
Peace
Hazza

February 7, 2000
4:15 pm
Avatar
lazydazy
Guest
Guests

maybe this might be of little help but I"m taking it from my own experience...I've had a problem much similiar with abuse but it's not of the same kind. I had a very hard time taking the first step and talking to a counselor. My father was a drug addict but I could never say that until now. My family never talked about their feelings and confronted issues because they were hiding something. My father was on drugs. I always relied on myself, to find friends or go elsewhere for support because my family was not there for me emotionally. And when I had a problem, I was told to suck it up, stop crying and shamed for my feelings. My family was very negative and everything I did, didn't seem good enough. There was a lack of affection. My mom lived in her little own world where everything was all right, and everything my father did, no matter how wrong, was okay and beyond her control. This taught me not to ask for help, that it was shameful. Anyways, talking to a counselor was the best thing that I could do. It makes you realize that there were and are reasons for your actions. That there is so much that is not your fault! I know it's hard to talk at first but your counselor will understand and be there for when you are ready to talk. Start slow. But I believe it is the best thing you could do.

February 7, 2000
4:28 pm
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms,

You said you had tons of other events which occured within your family but which seems to anger you more, the other events or the physical abuse and molestation?

February 7, 2000
10:07 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gst,

why? does it matter?

February 7, 2000
10:08 pm
Avatar
mnms
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I did a good thing today. Spent a long time talking to my therapist... Called my mom tonight and told her that I didn't want her to come up for my birthday. Wow, that was hard. I survived. Can't say I feel good about it, but I did do something for myself and that feels good...

February 8, 2000
12:02 am
Avatar
gst
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi mnms,

It just help me understand better, that's all. Congrats on feeling good. Can't have enough of that you know. You are being very brave.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
42 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109389

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

dflzDazy, rjycnfynbysxDazy, gapVar, vbnifDazy, dbnirfDazy, nfkbyfDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer