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I can't break the cycle
April 18, 2001
4:06 pm
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Ladeska
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I hear you, DeeTee....feels like that sometimes, doesn't it? Been there, done that. After I've been a few years beyond it though - I realized I wasn't half as crazy as I thought I was. I just didn't know how to validate myself about alot of things.

The codependent thing sucks, doesn't it? Well, I don't know too much else to say until you talk more, so I'll just wait on you here... Glad you had a nice Easter with your children!! (smile) Write when you can.

Hey, Kim! Sometimes is does feel like we are the "only" ones on earth, doesn't it? That does get better though, as I've seen it get better with you - when you start unplugging from people that beat you up all the time and slowly learn how to "love you" and how not to pick people that are like - what you grew up with and around - to be your "friends" - thus having access to your most vulnerable places. You've grown alot. I always say - for some people to approve of me is an insult! (snicker) it's true though. Something to think about the next time you get an attitude from someone. But, the rule of thumb here is - when you really feel comfortable with "you" - you'll get very picky about who is in your inner circle and who doesn't belong there - just doesn't and it will be "okay" to be alone at times. Might not feel wonderful - but can be peaceful and something that can just "be'> You're doing good though. We all have our bad days.....and our hormones do their thing as well! (smiles)

April 20, 2001
5:47 pm
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....well, I guess you've have flown off into the wild blue yonder somewhere..... if you get the email thing straightened out - drop me a line.

April 25, 2001
6:26 pm
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agustine
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can i just say as someone who feels secure in her relationship of over 33yrs. you are looking for perfection and it dosn,t exsist, you have to build on what ever clay is in your hands, don,t work to hard or you will forget what it is you really need.

April 25, 2001
11:46 pm
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deetee
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Ladeska I'm back.

been tryintg to post having alot of trouble getting to this site and then getting my postings to transfer.

I wrote a big explaination as to what i've been doing and it didn't post.

basically i've been out there being co-dependant and i'm back trying not to relapse some more.

i'm tired now it's late i've been on this computer for 2-hours trying to figure out how to post.

i'll try to give you the details tomorrow.

i'm too tired and angry to write anymoire tonight.

April 26, 2001
11:24 am
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Ladeska
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HEY YOU! Glad to see you, was wondering what was up. But, I understand. Life happens. Don't you hate it when you sit and spin with this computer stuff????? Irritating!!!!! I don't do that well, I really don't. Try and explain to me what's happening when you try and post and it doesn't work? You need to get a computer wizard over to your place that can - figure all this out. sounds like it's your system that is giving you trouble. Just posting here - shouldn't be a problem. Are you writing and then getting bumped off by your server? Is that what's going on? If so, then what is better to do is - go into your word processing software - like Microsoft Word or WordPerfect or whatever you have and write it all out there - copy it and then paste it over to here and send real quick.

At any rate, we'll figure it out, one way or another and then there's always the email option as well. Don't feel bad about the codependent thing. We are do it, to one extent or another. It takes time to realize things and to work on them, slowly over time. The biggest hurdle to get over is to just allow yourself the room and the grace it takes to make mistakes, to back up and rethink or to keep trying. We want it all to be fixed NOW because we don't have patience with ourselves and obviously from what you've told me - your parents didn't have patience with you either.....therefore, you parent yourself - in much the same way. You beat yourself up - like they did. Time to drop the ballbat....you're human. At least you're in here scrapping and talking and trying to understand things.

April 26, 2001
9:43 pm
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deetee
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Hi Ladeska & friends:

Ladeska I attempted to email you late last night did it work?

It took me 35minutes to get into this thread. One of two things happens. 1) I get in and write my text and when I go to post it doesn't. 2) I get to the threads and when I go to a particular one my computer shuts down and I have to start all over again.
I typed my heart out last noght and it took me about 2-hours when I went to send it (my posting) dissappeared.

I wil have to try your word proccessing idea once I get someone over here to show me what word proccessing software is {i'm not kidding} I told you I'm completely out of touch.

Well very briefly for now and in great detail whewn I'm not sooo tired my last couple weeks go like this:

Girl #1: I've been stuggling with for a year. We just don't work and we are addicted to each other probable more sexually than anything else their is no trust or foundation at all to what we have, anyway I tell Girl #1 don't call me for a while because I'm trying to break this addiction and escape the anxiety I face being in this dysfunctional relationship it's bad enough I have to work with you and go through all that emotional crap at work however (we) find that doesn't work because after about 2 days she'll call and convince me everything will be better if we try one more time, when I don't buy into it she tells me how she'll meet all my needs this time and gets talking about sex which hooks me in EVERY TIME and she knows it.
Well I agree to go on a date HOWEVER meanwhile I'm getting another relationship started with Girl#2 because I'm sure Girl #1 is just manipulating me and I'm sure I can't ever leave her UNTIL/ UNLESS I have another woman to go to.So I think I can be o.k. with the guilt of gilrl #1 & Girl #@ at the same time as long as I am not sexual with Girl #2.

Wrong I was Guilty as hell obssessed about it all week and as I figured Girl #1 didn't come through with any of the new Promises she made even the sexual ones.

Well I think I can actually leave Girl #1 this time but only cause I got Girl #2 to talk to every night.

Oh by the way I think I'M not gonna be Co-dependant with Gril #2 after all I learned WRONG!

I've been as co-dependant wining and dining spending big dollars to impress just as I always do. Well obviously I'm VERY ashame3d of myself.

I'm an ADDICT. I feel so incapable and afraid to change my behaviour.

gonna post before I lose this more tommorrow.

April 27, 2001
2:03 pm
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Ladeska
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DeeTee...got your email and I will just talk to you there. But, I did read this and when you email me back will give you my thoughts. Addiction is hard to break....I understand. But, you have to get in touch with some reasons why - you need to do this and make other tracks over the other ones. We'll talk about that in email. Don't even worry about the word processing stuff. If we can talk via email, don't bother with it.

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